Author Archives: charlieshat

“Bag for Life” expectancies in UK takes sharp fall

I often buy £10 bags, so I’m not expecting much for 10P

After Tesco announced yesterday that they will only sell Bags for Life at checkouts, new figures released show a sharp drop in life expectancies in the UK for a bag for life.

Whilst other nations on the continent enjoy much longer bag for life times, poor diet choices and obesity are being blamed for the drop in UK levels.

“The data shows us that in the north of England, a bag for life has a longer expectancy then the south” says retail analyst Rob Brooks.

The Mail Online stated this morning that this is due to benefit cheats and immigrants Continue reading

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Filed under Shopping

Trump signs order reversing Obama’s cellphone contract

Normally charges for autographs, invoice to follow

Donald Trump today held a “historic press conference” as he signed an executive order reversing Barrack Obama’s Verizon cellphone contract set up in October 2016.

Addressing the US media Trump said that Obama’s contract was hugely expensive and accused the former president of using his cellphone to listen to telephone communications of many US leading figures, until it was pointed out by CNN that this was how telephones usually work. Continue reading

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Filed under News

Theresa May drafts her Dear Jean (Claude Juncker) letter

The Evening Harold has gained access to the first draft of the Prime Minister’s Article 50-triggering ‘Dear Jean’ letter, reproduced here as a world exclusive.

Dear Jean,
There is no easy way to say this, but it’s time we split up and went our separate ways.
It’s not you, it’s 52% of me.

I need some time on my own without the worries of ongoing strained relationships with close union countries.

I’d like to remain friends if we can, even better if we could be “friends with benefits” maybe get together regularly in the next few years in order to fuck each other over?

Remember, there are plenty more fish in the sea (as long as you have the correct territorial and correctly ratified multi border EU council fisheries agreement, and you must throw back half of the ones you catch anyway).

Yours as ever in splendid isolation,

  • Theresa

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Filed under EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics

BBC’s Panorama shows Prison Chaos following death of Grouty

Grouty discusses aspects of the ‘Prison Works’ philosophy

Tonight’s Panorama is set to shock as undercover footage of drug use and lack of control is rampant just 8 weeks after the death of “Mr Big” Grouty.

Standards took a dip in the late 1980’s when hardline warder Mr MacKay was moved to take control of the offshore category A Fraggle Rock following the escape of Sean Connery. However order was soon regained as power swung to Grouty, controlling affairs with old school bribery and unspeakable violence. Continue reading

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Filed under breaking news, Crime, News, Politics

NHS team up with Disney World for tips on queue management

NHS trusts in the UK have teamed up with U.S. based Disneyworld consultants to help manage increasing pressures on hospital queue targets.
Heading up the Disney team is Roy Peterson Jr, whose overarching strategy is clear: ”Who on earth would want to reduce queues? That’s where your quaint little doctors and nurses game has gone wrong – it’s all about optimising the size of the queue and then keeping people distracted whilst they are waiting – easy”. He went on “And FREE at the point of service? that stinks, we’ll be introducing a new smart wristband in the Autumn, one easy fee for up to 3 extra treatments per month”. Continue reading

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Filed under NHS

Rachel Riley takes career break due to Irritable Vowel Syndrome

Raechael in happier times

Raechael in happier times

Channel 4’s resident Countdown numbers genius and letters beauty has today announced a break from TV due to crippling Irritable Vowel Syndrome.

The syndrome is suffered silently by thousands and has taken its toll on the popular maths expert with doctors blaming the exposure suffered on the afternoon show.
Continue reading

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Filed under 29/9 attrocities, Entertainment

Farage demands element Eu be removed from periodic table

EuThe Brexit vote means element Eu must be removed from the periodic table in Britain, according to Nigel Farage.

“The people have spoken and the 63rd element Eu must go. There is already substantial pressure building up, with new elements such as 115, 116 and 117 entering the periodic table without any attempt whatsoever to stop them at the border.”

“The problem is there could be no end to these additions, leading to overcrowding and instability. We need to ensure the periodic table is primarily reserved for British elements, such as H and O, and whatever beer is made of” said Farage.
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Filed under EU referendum, science

Ofcom investgate proliferation of “reclaim your term time holiday fine” cold calls to parents

jon_platt

£120 – that’s the deposit on this year’s holiday, cheers!

After the landmark high court ruling that there was no case to answer for a parent who refused to pay his £120 term time holiday fine, flagging PPI claims companies have shifted their greed from the financially ignorant to self-righteous middle class parents.

Parents who took kids out of school and hid behind the thinly veiled argument that it was better for “Jocasta and Tarquin to experience a different culture and language”, whist taking them to Disneyland or skiing for 2 weeks, can now relax and simply admit the truth : they wanted to save a few quid on a holiday. Continue reading

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Filed under Education, Families, Holidays, News

David Sullivan insists JFK would be OK if his motorcade had turned up a few hours before

jjfk

The late John F Kennedy

After castigating Manchester United players for not turning up at least 4 hours before kick-off for the final game at Upton Park, and clearly bringing on themselves an attack on the team bus from the angelic cockneys, West Ham and Ex Sunday Sport owner David Sullivan, accompanied by his 18 year old press advisor Krystle, has today been elaborating on his theory of cause and effect.

“It’s common sense, if you turn up early then you avoid any problems. Continue reading

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Filed under News, Sport

Nicky Morgan tells union conference “You’ll be wasting your own time”

Nicky-morgan

“Come on then, if you think you’re hard enough” The new Supply Minister loses control of Year 5

Teachers struggled to sit quietly and behave yesterday as Education Secretary Nicky Morgan addressed the conference of the NASUWT.

Starting off with “Hey, I want you guys to call me Nicky, OK?” Mrs Morgan soon realised that the teachers, attending conference and simultaneously marking books, needed a firmer hand.

“You have a choice – if you spend the next four years doing battle with us it will be your own time you’re wasting…” she announced Continue reading

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Filed under Education, News, Politics

“Crystal meth hidden in bras, now Aussie police find crack in pants”

Policemen ‘just happened’ to be rummaging around in women’s underwear

Following the reporting of Meth found hidden in a shipment of bras, Australian police have announced the discovery of crack apparent in the pants of a middle aged male border guard.

“The crack was initially highlighted by our sniffer dogs, which we had to forcibly drag away from it. Continue reading

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Filed under Drugs, News, Police

Banksy to relaunch a Dismaland the size of Wales, in Wales

wales2_small

It’s not always this good…

Inspired by the closing of the Port Talbot steel plant and the 81 consecutive days of rain in Pembrokeshire, Bristol spray can dauber Banksy has announced the relaunch of Dismaland, this time on a national scale.

“You have had to pay the entry fee at the Severn Bridge for the prototype that has been running for a few decades now anyway, so people are ready for the step up” said the celebrated vandal.

Continue reading

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Filed under Art, News

Picture evidence shows Di Canio only 25% fascist

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(20% if you include the thumbs)

If you like it, we’d love you to share it.

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