Strong and stable or don’t you think she looks tired?
Facing the prospect of Brexit kicking the UK so hard it’ll be wearing its arse for a hat as Conservatives from councillors to MPs are seemingly engaged in a ‘who can blather like the most offensive bubbly-jock’ contest while Michael Gove and Boris Johnson are like just out there, you know, loose, a frantic Theresa May has opted to turn the Tories off and on again in the hope that’ll fix all their and her problems. Continue reading
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“I knew Jack Kennedy. Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy.”
Theresa May has recalled the heady days of Mrs Thatcher bashing Johnnie Foreigner whilst helpfully improving her dire poll ratings, by deploying a taskforce to deal with the aftermath of the Grenfell Tower fire.
Just like Margaret Thatcher before her, Mrs May has sent in a taskforce to sort out problems resulting from a series of piss-poor risk assessments, in the hope that the public will revise their opinion of her. Doesn’t seem likely Continue reading
Only an idiot or someone living 50 years in the past …
“I’ve always been quite clear about this, it isn’t my money.” said Mrs May “So for me then, it’s not as tough as, say, choosing between more red shoes or a weekend in the country. Although Philip buys my shoes and the public pays for my Chequers weekends but you get the idea.”
The Prime Minister said that with just ten DUP MPs, dividing up the £100,000,000 would be relatively easy as, despite appearances suggesting otherwise, none of them has more than the standard number of fingers Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2017
Alone, even in a family of nations
The baby-sitter on the doorstep who’d make you seriously re-think going out at all, has clumped all over Brexit talks in her size 10s, like a fart at an investiture.
Hard on the heels of David Davis’ Day 1 U-turn, the PM has waded into Brexit talks with an offer to EU nationals post-Brexit, to show her colleagues the real meaning of a car-crash.
Donald Tusk described Mrs May’s plan as being “below expectations”, which is Polish for f-cking useless. Angela Merkel, on the other hand was clear that there’d been “no breakthrough”, which is German Continue reading
“The bloody woman still has my crown”
The Queen will not wear ceremonial robes in Parliament today, partly because she’s going on to Ascott later but mainly because Mrs May hasn’t returned them.
The PM apparently borrowed them to rehearse her own “promise to work with humility and resolve” speech in front of her bathroom mirror and refuses to hand them back.
“Her Majesty has always appreciated haute couture,” said a Downing Street spokeman “sorry, did I say Her Majesty? I meant the Prime Minister.” Continue reading
You need new writers, Prime Minister. We’re available.
People all over the UK are waking up this morning with just one question on their lips: what issue will the Prime Minister refuse to acknowledge is directly connected to her and her party’s policies today?
“It’s quite exciting,” villager and keen politics fan Maya Begum told us. “What will Theresa May simply keep saying the same meaningless phrases about again and again? So much is wrong right now it could be anything.” Continue reading
Theresa May has chucked Larry the Cat in a bin saying it was his incessant meowing that persuaded her to call an early election.
“Every day at 8am and 6pm Larry would come up to me and meow and meow. He was obviously obsessed with the idea I should call an early election” said May.
“I gave him the brush-off saying ‘Larry I can’t do it – I’ve promised the British public 7 times I won’t call an early election’ but Larry just wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer” explained the PM.
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Her Majesty and Mrs May in happier times
Theresa May’s benefits have been suspended, after she cancelled an appointment with the Queen at Westminster.
“Her Majesty doesn’t take such decisions lightly” said a palace spokesman “but the discipline of attending for work is important, especially for someone who’s left their job for no good reason.”
The PM walked out of her last job eight weeks ago “With no guaranteed job to go to, this was extremely reckless and she can’t expect to just carry on being paid as if nothing Continue reading
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Filed under DWP, Election 2017, News, Politics
Don’t you think she looks tired?
Concerned well-wishers are gathering outside the gates of Downing Street this morning as the Prime Minister continues to sound off like a senile Furby. Continue reading
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It can’t just be them. Was it you?
Mrs May has punished those to blame for the election debacle, by sacking the people she chose as her advisers.
“Nick and Fiona looked nice but behaved like thugs, which was a perfect fit for me, but they got it all wrong. What I need to know is, who advised me to hire them? Continue reading
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It’s starting to look a lot like Christmas
Oppressed fauns and talking beasts who’ve suffered greatly under the White Witch are this morning delighted by Father Christmas breaking her hold on their country and returning once more. Continue reading
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The UK economy is what I say it is, right? Do you want some?
Mrs May has confirmed that the UK’s economy is huge but only when she’s lying about a happy-ever-after Tory Brexit which, to be fair, is most of the time.
“We’re big players with a proud history of international trade. True, that was mostly when we had massive technological advantages, backed up with military superiority, neither of which Continue reading
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Filed under Deficit, Economy, Election 2017, News
Does anyone know who this dreadful Home Secretary was?
Theresa May says although the current Home Secretary Amber Rudd is doing a fine job, David Cameron’s choice was “dreadful, a disaster who missed every major target for over seven years”.
Mrs May vowed to reverse the un-named woman’s worst decisions, starting with the huge cuts in Police funding.
“Clearly, she wasn’t up to it. The instant she moved on, Amber, an altogether more capable woman, got the job.”
It’s not only security failures says May, who accused the last two governments of “being asleep at the wheel” Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2017, News, Police, Politics
“They’re difficult decisions for you, not for me.” says May
The PM says ensuring she’s not personally hurt by her own decisions is what makes them so difficult to make.
“For example, emergency service cuts might affect me, if applied across the board, as if everyone’s of equal value. I had to make it clear that my protection is their top priority.”
“Also, with my husband being in the money-juggling business, it was crucial to allow weasels to hide their cash overseas, so I didn’t suffer.” said the PM. “It wasn’t easy but tough decisions never are. With the help of Paul Dacre’s relentless focus on benefit claimants though, Continue reading
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Filed under Election 2017, News
We choose him, her, other him, all of them, none of them, whatever, just please make it stop
Jaded voters are this morning facing another long and weary day of being campaigned at by politicians who are as in touch with how rest of us live as the Queen is with the latest beefs on the grime scene. While technically this build up to the nation going to the polls has lasted no longer than any other, many are reporting that it feels as if it’s been going on for at least twelve years. Continue reading
Filed under Election 2017
Nardole, the Doctor and Bill: we’ve more faith in these three than we do in Rudd, May and Johnson
With the threat level at Gadsbudlikins! and the NHS on its knees plus Debatable being on all the damn time, Theresa May has ceased to be strong or stable and asked the Doctor to make everything shiny again.
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EU negotiators when the news first broke. Medics were called soon after
EU Brexit negotiators are making a good recovery in hospital, after Mrs May’s U-turn on social care funding left their team helpless with laughter and struggling to remain upright.
Speaking from his hospital bed, the EU’s top Brexit negotiator, Michael Barnier wiped tears from his cheeks and said the team should be home by the weekend, “provided that Theresa stays out of the news”.
Unfortunately, even as Barnier was speaking, a colleague from a bed further down the ward called out “Strong and stable” in an irritating voice, reducing them both to quivering jellies Continue reading
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Filed under Brexit, Election 2017, News
The answer’s immigration, now what’s the question?
The best way to banish memories of the 1980s “nasty party” is to create an even nastier party, said Theresa May today, smiling for the cameras. “Immigrants, you’re first up!”
“Social inequality is a great injustice, which we’re going to resolve by making fairer tax laws, asking for a little more from the rich, and employing enough HMRC staff to … hah, fooled you!” laughed Mrs May “No, but seriously, Continue reading
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Aneurin, or as I knew him, Nyree Dawn Porter
Woman you wouldn’t trust to tell you the correct time, even if she was standing in front of Big Ben, Theresa May, says she’ll build on the proud tradition of Conservative Aneurin Bevan, who launched the NHS in the face of Labour opposition.
“We have many other lies” she insisted “but I think you’ll agree, these are pretty good”.
“Aneurin, or as I always knew him, Nyree Dawn Porter, loved nothing better than riding to hounds.” Mrs May continued.
“But Nyree set that aside when he joined the post-war Conservative government. Continue reading
Come on then, Juncker, if you think you’re hard enough
Theresa May says firing off threats and insults is the bedrock of successful negotiations and so she’ll be a “bloody difficult woman” towards Jean-Claude Juncker during Brexit talks.
Reviving a line used during her leadership campaign, when she didn’t need opponents to like her afterwards, she added “Come on then Juncker, if you think you’re hard enough!”
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