Theresa May promises the biggest expansion of lies on workers’ rights by any Tory party

Aneurin, or as I knew him, Nyree Dawn Porter

Woman you wouldn’t trust to tell you the correct time, even if she was standing in front of Big Ben, Theresa May, says she’ll build on the proud tradition of Conservative Aneurin Bevan, who launched the NHS in the face of Labour opposition.

“We have many other lies” she insisted “but I think you’ll agree, these are pretty good”.

“Aneurin, or as I always knew him, Nyree Dawn Porter, loved nothing better than riding to hounds.” Mrs May continued.

“But Nyree set that aside when he joined the post-war Conservative government. With the support of his old friend and mine, Winston Churchill, he campaigned for the creation of the welfare state and his greatest legacy, ‘Theresa May’s NHS’.”

Mrs May also promised a statutory right to unlimited unpaid leave to care for a relative, under a new “You’re Sacked” initiative. “I slipped that true bit in there, just to mess with your mind” she chuckled.