Tag Archives: philip hammond

by | November 23, 2017 · 7:00 am

UK unsure if budget means it’s merely been given a pleasing low down tingle or a right royal seeing to

Whatever it is, Mrs May seems to like it

Philip Hammond’s budget played nug-a-nug with the UK yesterday but those unfamiliar with the detail of economic theory are struggling to know if this means everyone has been given a nice low down tingle, or a right royal seeing to, so thorough it’s left them feeling they’ve reached out and touched the face of God.

Professor of Economics Julia Hogsburn of Dunstable University explained that sexual innuendo and metaphor, though popular in tabloid journalism, were actually unhelpful when assessing economic stability. “No, what we’re looking at here is more akin to being Ramsay Boltoned” said Hogsburn “I hope Continue reading →

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by | November 19, 2017 · 2:22 pm

Driverless cars ‘logical next step’ for rudderless government says Chancellor

It hasn’t lost all humanity and will still throw your parcels over the fence

With funding for expanding driverless car use in the budget, Philip Hammond says the Tories have already piloted the idea, using entirely rudderless government.

“It uses very much the same principles.” said the Chancellor, dancing around and waving a torch so as to be seen “You swap a human driver, who is susceptible to being distracted by thoughts, feelings, and suchlike, for an emotionless robot making choices on Continue reading →

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by | October 26, 2017 · 1:35 am

Put Wales on eBay: new plan to avoid post-Brexit financial meltdown leaked

Be worth buying just to get that splendid flag

Beautiful day you have to spend indoors made flesh, Philip Hammond, faces embarrassment over a leaked dossier which reveals that his only plan for keeping the United Kingdom afloat post-Brexit is to start selling bits off.  Continue reading →

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by | October 17, 2017 · 3:58 pm

Great news for OAPs’ says Hammond, as inflation soars

Move, Phil, move! Is he there?

‘Philip Hammond says that thanks to sound Tory economics, Britain’s Tory voting OAPs are to get a whopping 3% increase in state pensions in 2018.

“Make no mistake, this is great news for the UK.” said the Chancellor speaking from in front of a bright background, so as to be seen.

Nicknamed ‘Dustsheet Phil’ due to his fondness for keeping offshore investments covered up, Continue reading →

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by | March 15, 2017 · 2:10 pm

Chancellor responds to Daily Mail’s instructions

Is he awake?

Living embodiment of a heavy mogadon overdose in human form, Philip Hammond, has dropped plans to increase NI rates for the self-employed.

“I’ve listened to the negative comments of the Daily Mail and its readers and acted accordingly.” said Chancellor Hammond, adding, “I’m not a fool!”.

“I now realise Continue reading →

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by | March 8, 2017 · 1:10 am

Budget: nation waits to discover just how hard it’s about to be shafted

Bend over, Britain. It’s poker time

Tail coat and a couple of ideas that never knew the glory of an animal, Philip Hammond, will today announce how the government is going to spend the country’s money. Giving rise to speculation that the most likely answer is ‘badly’. Continue reading →

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by | March 6, 2017 · 3:00 pm

Literary critics hail Chancellor’s petrol tank analogy

Saving it all for a rainy day.

Language experts have welcomed Philip Hammond’s use of simplified English to explain esoteric financial matters to the general public.

“I struggle to avoid glazing over when economists refer to complex fiscal concepts like ‘contingency fund’,” said literary critic Peter Pentop, “but the idea of putting petrol in the tank before embarking on a car journey suddenly makes everything clear. I guess he’s putting up fuel duty from midnight.”
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by | November 23, 2016 · 11:54 am

Autumn Statement build-up “ruined” by reporter standing outside No.10 Downing Street

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Dilnot, ruining everything for the nation. It’s number 11, you idiot!

The TV news build-up to the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement was ruined for many today, when a BBC reporter stood outside Number 10 Downing St. in error.

Alec Fairchild, a man who usually gets his political insight from the Mail and Sky News, tuned into BBC today, by mistake, and was completely thrown by finding himself staring at Theresa May’s front door.

“Typical bloody lefty BBC, all that public money and they still can’t get it right,” fumed Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold. “this is exactly why I don’t pay the licence fee.” Continue reading →

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by | October 11, 2016 · 1:58 am

Pound continues to fall: Greggs bags now legal tender

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We give it six months before it’s this or a loaf of bread costing £200 billion

As the value of the pound drops faster than the all new Shadow Cabinet’s approval ratings the UK has adopted bags and wrappers from Greggs as an alternate currency.

“This new approach is exactly where Brexit Britain should be according to my financial planning,” said abyss that stares back, Philip Hammond. “There’s no cause for concern and globally this country in no way looks like a howling mess pushed into crisis by suggestible bigots. Greggs wrappers are fine, just fine. Everything is fine.”

The new currency will inevitably put strain on the NHS as people gorge themselves even fatter on pasties to get Greggs bags however at a press conference later today Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage are expected to announce that the NHS will be getting an extra three hundred and fifty million bags a week so there’s nothing to worry about.

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by | October 3, 2016 · 12:44 pm

Chancellor: Tory borrowing to invest is “completely different” from Labour borrowing to invest

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Our borrowing and spending is different from Labour’s because reasons

Philip Hammond says that his planned spending on infrastructure is wise and pragmatic, unlike Labour’s planned spending on infrastructure, which is another example of failed left-wing idealogy.

“We’ll build homes,” he said “where Labour planned to piss taxpayers’ money up the wall by building homes. We’ll improve transport links, where Labour planned to spunk away hard working families’ cash Continue reading →

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by | September 27, 2016 · 7:00 am

Chancellor rubbishes Labour’s ‘living wage for everyone’ plan

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Philip Hammond. It’s okay, we know you’ll have forgotten his name by the end of this sentence.

“It’s nonsense,” said badly reanimated cadaver of the male teacher who scared you the most, Philip Hammond. “At a time of austerity, asking that workers should earn enough to live on is economic suicide. And wages to buy food? Can’t they all eat cake?” the baffled multi-millionaire asked. Continue reading →

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by | January 13, 2014 · 7:00 am

Army running out of mugs

Hammond makes do with a paper cup. Again

Hammond makes do with a paper cup. Again

Philip Hammond has admitted to confusion over the Ministry of Defence’s continual need to refresh its stock of brave idiots.

“What happens is this,” explained Hammond who, when in front of a drab background, has to jump around in order to be seen. “I make loads of soldiers redundant and then, for some reason, I have less soldiers than I need.”Sure, at Oxford I read philosophy and so sums aren’t my strong suit but even allowing for that, I’ll be honest with you, it’s a conundrum”.

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by | October 30, 2013 · 11:00 am

Cameron’s hope for the future: I want your children to work for mine

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A valuable skills-orientated workplace for a modern Britain and definitely not a dark satanic mill. Honest.

While on a tour of a factory David Cameron spoke of his hopes for the future by declaring that he wants the vast majority of the nation’s children to grow up and work for the children of he and his friends.

“As a country what we ought to be saying is: ‘Let’s get our education system right so we are producing young people out of our schools and colleges who are fully capable of doing these low-paid, soul-sapping jobs for less money a week than I spend on micro-transactions when I’m playing Angry Birds,” the Prime Minister said.

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by | August 29, 2013 · 11:00 am

Shortage of soldiers sees parliament discuss sending Scouts into Syria

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Parliament will be recalled today to discuss the logistics of sending troops into Syria. With most of our soldiers in Afghanistan, in hospital or in the dole queue, MPs will discus the viability of sending in Air Cadets and Scouts.

Defence Secretary Philip Hammond said: “to do nothing would be immoral, but like a really crap game of risk we have run out of soldiers to send in.”

“Sending in Air Cadets and Scouts is our only hope, especially as I found out last night ‘Dad’s Army’ was fictional and not a fly-on-the-wall documentary.”

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by | May 30, 2013 · 7:00 am

UK Government ready to release Lib Dem detainees

Clegg, Cable and Alexander await release

Clegg, Cable and Alexander await release

After Amnesty International described it as ‘unlawful detention’, the UK government has agreed to release its Lib Dem detainees. Believed to have been captured around the time of the 2010 election, the prisoners led by Nick Clegg have been ritually humiliated.

Defence Secretary Philip Hammond explained “these detainees were originally held for strategic purposes. Although some say it goes against the Geneva Convention, Clegg has proven himself to be a very useful human shield.”

Records show that the use of Lib Dem’s ended ‘many months ago’, yet David Cameron has decided to keep them locked up in coalition, a move the International Red Cross has called barbaric. However Mr Hammond defended his leader’s decision claiming he “could not guarantee the Lib Dem’s safety if they were handed back over to the public.”

The prison camp is believed to be located within the confines of 10 Downing Street, but those being held captive have only recently been able to get access to a lawyer to represent them. With many claiming this representation should have been offered at the tax payer’s expense long before now, the Defence Secretary told us that it had in fact been offered many times over a year ago.
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