“I’ll find out who’s responsible. Someone must be in charge.”
Jeremy Hunt has misunderstood the Junior Doctors yet again, calling on them to provide a full 7-day strike later this month.
“NHS patients deserve to have their operations cancelled, whatever day they’re booked for.” said the hapless minister, who assured the public that he’s on track to achieve that by the end of 2016.
“I’ve never been one to shy away from responsibility” said the failed marmalade salesman Continue reading
Va te faire foutre, souris de merde!
Shouty gnome on a mission to make everything at least twelve per cent more dreadful, Nicolas Sarkozy, has made a speech calling for Disneyland Paris to be moved to the other side of the Channel. Continue reading
Hasn’t she let herself go since becoming PM?
Following allegations over her behaviour in not allowing MPs a vote on Brexit, Theresa May has confirmed that she is exactly like a Tudor monarch in that she’s had six wives, and, as well an incurable sexually transmitted disease, also possesses a demented penchant for composing crap yet catchy songs upon a lute, and executing former BFFs. Continue reading
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Open a new hospital each week, are you mad? No, what I said was we could close one each week
With hospitals having been told to take a ticket and wait their turn to be closed, Iain Duncan Smith says people misheard him during the referendum campaign.
“I was shocked that people thought I promised to spend shed-loads of cash on the NHS, and open a new hospital each week, we clearly said close. I’m not one to blame others, but I think you’ll find that was the work of Project Fear. Or immigrants. Continue reading
At least it distracts us all from the fact we’ve broken the planet
Harold is divided this evening as a small group of villagers have declared that they’re not massively absorbed by the ongoing row in France over women wearing burkinis.
“Of course it’s horrible that some women have been hassled and humiliated by the police,” said local mechanic Sean Pavey. “But I just don’t feel the need to tweet and post about it constantly. Doesn’t mean I’m not bothered just means I’m not that bothered. And I think that that should be okay.” Continue reading
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O, thou scabrous reptile, thou cream-faced loon, thou pussy toad
2016 tightens its grip on the title of Most Batshit Year There’s Been with the news that mendacious bigot, Nigel Farage, appeared at a rally with mendacious bigot, Donald Trump. Leaving many to wonder what they could possibly have in common. Continue reading
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See, two whole days in the sun last week – still no cancer
A Harold man who thinks the moon-landings were faked and melanoma is what picnic mugs are made from, hopes to get his annual Vitamin D intake today, if weather forecasts are correct .
Conspiracy theorist and pot-head, 23 year-old Adam Cassidy, says that skin cancer is an invention of cancer charities. Continue reading
Your child may be a Doctor in 25 years. Start talking to her in English
A small child has successfully developed language skills even though adults insist on talking to her in some form of Teletubbish.
In only a few weeks, nine-month old Ellie Reynolds from Harold has upped her game, from blowing bubbles simultaneously via nostrils and mouth, to forming coherent sentences with nouns, verbs, and those ‘ad…’ things you didn’t pay attention to at school. Continue reading
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Looks tense but did you know GCSEs in 2017 were only ten minutes long?
GCSEs are officially less challenging than pulling a greasy stick out of a dead dog’s arse according to everyone who’s forgotten what taking exams is like. Continue reading
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Gunnery Sergeant Hartman would reject this war face
There was sadness across the nation this morning as everyone realised that the much hyped ‘war’ between Boris Johnson and Liam Fox isn’t proper and that neither of them are going to get so much as paper cut . Continue reading
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Go on, big fella, fuck him up
The greatest story of the Rio Olympics is unfolding outside of any contest as everyone waits for Sir Steve Redgrave, legendary Olympian, to end patronising cock-rat in cheap slacks, John Inverdale. Continue reading
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Still sucking it in until Match of the Day this evening
With the end of a 5 month fast in sight, Match of the Day presenter Gary Lineker is keen to start eating properly again.
After presenting a segment of tonight’s MotD in his pants, Lineker will finally relax his abdominal muscles for the first time since Easter and has taken the sensible precaution of lining them with two layers of Tena for Men.
In a move that has been criticised as taking commercialism too far, organisers of the Olympics have unveiled the official Rio 2016 gang of muggers, who will ruthlessly prey on sports fans visiting the city, but will only take items produced by the Games’ leading sponsors.
The small army of Games Takers, recognisable by their official uniforms, will enhance the Rio 2016 brand by moving discretely through the back streets surrounding the main stadiums, viciously snatching any products which visitors may be carrying, should they be from Visa, Samsung, Omega, or slightly less plausibly, Bridgestone Tyres.
“I was walking along, slightly lost, unwittingly flaunting the whole gamut of products from Proctor & Gamble,” explained one victim. “Pringles, Bounty, Vicks, you name it. They took everything. It feels so authentic! Unfortunately I now have two broken legs, and Samsung don’t do plaster casts.”
*shakes fist* “Corbyyyyyyyn!”
In a blistering editorial the Guardian today claims that the only possible for reason for the swimming pools at the Rio Olympics to have turned green is because “Jeremy Corbyn’s made them all bollocks like demonstrating his unfitness to lead the Labour Party and offering further proof that he’s a massive, massive git-whistle.” Continue reading
He’s got the music in him
Veteran Christian apologist and creator of that faun that got everyone a bit moist in the film adaptation, C.S Lewis, has been confirmed as a contestent on this year’s Strictly Come Dancing.
“It’s a real coup for us,” said executive producer Louise Rainbow. “Lots of people know C.S Lewis as one of the greatest minds of the twentieth century who really got to the heart of who we are with books like The Problem of Pain and The Screwtape Letters. What they may be surprised to learn is that he can rumba like a bastard.” Continue reading
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Two hearts that beat as one…
There were protests in the international diving community today after conjoined twinsTom and Dan Goodfellow-Daley won Olympic gold yet again with a perfectly-synchronised dive in Rio.
The twins, who are joined at the shoulder, thigh and buttock, rose as one off the high board before executing a perfectly simultaneous double backflip and pike, hitting the water at the exact same second.
“It seems so unfair,” complained Eddie and Geoff Rutter, an entirely separate pair of synchronised divers from the English village of Harold. “We understand that they’ve overcome great obstacles in life to get where they are today, but we feel that the being synchronised bit just isn’t as hard for them.”
“I mean, we’ve practised the timing and everything for years. We’ve developed a near-telepathic sense of oneness. And we asked if we could use a huge piece of duct tape to stick ourselves together, but they said no. So where’s the justice?”
Unhappier times for the Camerons – in Cornwall
“Once you realise that – no mystery.” drawled a chillaxed David Cameron from a sunny beach.
“Good PR at the time – I did that before I became an MP as well, you know. Sun’s a bit fierce, would you mind shifting the umbrella to the left? No more Cornwall for me, thank God – I was lying about that too.” Continue reading
Graham Brady MP. Anyone else hear braying and the clatter of horses’ hooves?
People who recognise the advantages of an expensive education over a cheaper version are delighted that grammar schools are making a comeback.
“There are a few issues to resolve, such as how we keep the ‘wrong sort’ sort out, whilst still getting them to pay for it.” said Tory MP Graham Brady, a man who’s reached 49 years of age without once bothering to get a proper job. “We’ll probably rely on local house prices, which served us well for years.” Continue reading
biscuit crumbs on the floor every morning were a clue
A ten-year old Harold boy, described by Police as being ‘unusually focused and competitive’, had been living in his toy cupboard for three years, after going missing on a particularly wet Bank Holiday weekend.
Giles Baker was found shortly after his parents moved home. The new occupants, disturbed by the disappearance of Müller Corners and Dairylea cheese slices from the fridge, considered calling in a priest but eventually left a trail of Snack Size Mars bars and trapped “an earnest looking boy” in the conservatory. Continue reading
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“Maybe one of the kids knows how to work this thing. Anyone got a number for Owen Jones?”
Professor Yaffle after a hard night on the Buckfast, Jeremy Corbyn, is today going to turn the parliamentary Labour party off and on again it the hope that’ll make it function as an effective opposition once more. Continue reading
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