Tag Archives: Evening Harold

by | June 1, 2017 · 5:40 am

No mercy for voters as election campaign enters 4380th day

We choose him, her, other him, all of them, none of them, whatever, just please make it stop

Jaded voters are this morning facing another long and weary day of being campaigned at by politicians who are as in touch with how rest of us live as the Queen is with the latest beefs on the grime scene. While technically this build up to the nation going to the polls has lasted no longer than any other, many are reporting that it feels as if it’s been going on for at least twelve years. Continue reading →

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by | May 26, 2017 · 3:20 pm

Katy Hopkins: Shit gets flushed

Shit flushed away

Katy Hopkins, the giant festering turd on the UK’s online news stand, has given Britain the shot in the arm it needs by getting sacked for being herself.

By any measure, this week has been a shitty one for Britain. Innocents slaughtered at a music concert, just for being in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong man.

Grown up politicians, who really should know better, paused from making up stuff about themselves and others, but for only a couple of days.

Roger Moore, Continue reading →

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by | May 24, 2017 · 4:55 am

“Bollocks to it, you sort it out” PM asks the Doctor to fix everything

Nardole, the Doctor and Bill: we’ve more faith in these three than we do in Rudd, May and Johnson

With the threat level at Gadsbudlikins! and the NHS on its knees plus Debatable being on all the damn time, Theresa May has ceased to be strong or stable and asked the Doctor to make everything shiny again.
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by | May 23, 2017 · 3:03 pm

EU Brexit team suffering from hysterical laughter after May’s U-turn

EU negotiators when the news first broke. Medics were called soon after

EU Brexit negotiators are making a good recovery in hospital, after Mrs May’s U-turn on social care funding left their team helpless with laughter and struggling to remain upright.

Speaking from his hospital bed, the EU’s top Brexit negotiator, Michael Barnier wiped tears from his cheeks and said the team should be home by the weekend, “provided that Theresa stays out of the news”.

Unfortunately, even as Barnier was speaking, a colleague from a bed further down the ward called out “Strong and stable” in an irritating voice, reducing them both to quivering jellies Continue reading →

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by | May 21, 2017 · 4:00 am

Guardian’s campaigning for the Tories “going brilliantly” says editor

Katharine Viner the editor of the Guardian, a former left of centre newspaper turned heavily moderated online identity politics forum, says that she’s proud of all the campaigning it’s doing for the Tories. Continue reading →

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by | May 20, 2017 · 5:11 am

Posh parents letting their kids run wild in restaurants now UK’s leading cause of stress

Do they come with a mute button yet? Has science sorted that out?

A new study from the University of Dunstable has confirmed that nothing has a more stressful impact than trying to eat while little Allegras and Milos are allowed to go tonto as their parents knock back the wine and congratulate themselves on how free-spirited their highly gifted progeny are. Continue reading →

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by | May 19, 2017 · 2:36 pm

NHS budget data report only being delayed “because it’s awful news” says Hunt

Hunt; just before the psychiatrists and Approved Social Worker arrive

Jeremy Hunt says up to date NHS finance reports would have been published before the election, but for the fact that they show how useless he is.

“Compared to how I’m doing, my  marmalade exporting  was a fantastic success. So you can well imagine why I’m keeping this dreadful key performance report under wraps!” he added.

The government usually publishes such data promptly but it fears the sensitive nature of this information might influence the outcome of the election.

“It’s a bit like seeing the recent service history of a car you’re thinking of buying” explained the Health Secretary, as if speaking to a five-year old; think Diane Abbott but without the charm. Continue reading →

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by | · 4:13 am

Trump closes US borders to witches to stop them hunting him

Point to someone who’s about to get impeached, Donnie

Donald Trump, the least credible politician since Caligulia’s horse, Incitatus*, claimed during a series of tweets that he is the victim of “the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!” and as such is closing the borders to witches from all countries. Continue reading →

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by | May 18, 2017 · 9:38 am

May’s plan for a fairer (skinned) Britain

The answer’s immigration, now what’s the question?

The best way to banish memories of the 1980s “nasty party” is to create an even nastier party, said Theresa May today, smiling for the cameras. “Immigrants, you’re first up!”

“Social inequality is a great injustice, which we’re going to resolve by making fairer tax laws, asking for a little more from the rich, and employing enough HMRC staff to … hah, fooled you!” laughed Mrs May “No, but seriously, Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

School hopes new minister won’t have time to reorganise before summer break

Michael Gove? They wouldn’t, would they?

Harold head teacher, Alison Lee hopes the general election date will mean the next minister running out of time to ruin her summer holidays by buggering about with education, “but we’ll probably mysteriously lose our phone and broadband connections at the end of June. Just in case”.

Lee thinks that about the same time, St Mary’s Primary School’s post might accidentally be mislaid behind a giant hornet nest in the loft at the Post Office Continue reading →

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by | May 17, 2017 · 6:22 am

Election latest: MPs wish they were important enough for Russia to hack

We’re with Bad Vlad on this one. Who honestly wants to know more about these people?

With less than a month to go before polling day, UK politicians are more desperate for attention from Russia than Guy Richie is for someone to pay to watch King Arthur. Continue reading →

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by | May 15, 2017 · 10:45 am

Theresa May promises the biggest expansion of lies on workers’ rights by any Tory party

Aneurin, or as I knew him, Nyree Dawn Porter

Woman you wouldn’t trust to tell you the correct time, even if she was standing in front of Big Ben, Theresa May, says she’ll build on the proud tradition of Conservative Aneurin Bevan, who launched the NHS in the face of Labour opposition.

“We have many other lies” she insisted “but I think you’ll agree, these are pretty good”.

“Aneurin, or as I always knew him, Nyree Dawn Porter, loved nothing better than riding to hounds.” Mrs May continued.

“But Nyree set that aside when he joined the post-war Conservative government. Continue reading →

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by | May 12, 2017 · 6:00 am

Jeremy Hunt gets wrong end of the stick and welcomes record rise in NHS stats

What are you saying? These figures aren’t good news then?

Walking evidence that a man with a stash of secret photographs hidden in a safety deposit box can keep his job whatever he does, Jeremy Hunt, says record figures revealed in a new report prove his NHS reforms are on track.

“It’s taken me some time to pull things round but the figures don’t lie.” announced a smiling and relaxed Health Secretary.”No, I won’t stop. Get off, I’m the minister!” he shouted, shrugging off a group of officials who were trying to usher him away from the cameras.

“Right then. let’s get started” said Mr Hunt consulting a clipboard “Cancer targets? Up. Continue reading →

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by | May 10, 2017 · 12:39 am

Kelvin MacKenzie: The Truth – picked pockets and urinated on policeman when fired

One must have a heart of stone to read the sacking of fat Kelvin without laughing

Answer to the question: name a tabloid columnist many times more despicable than Katie Hopkins, Kelvin MacKenzie, went on an astonishing rampage in the moments after he was sacked from the Sun.

The Evening Harold has been exclusively tipped off by senior members of South Yorkshire police (who weren’t there) that the portly prevaricator ran amok fighting members of the emergency services and stealing from anyone he could get close to. Continue reading →

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by | May 8, 2017 · 7:00 am

Hunt says the ‘10,000 more NHS staff in psychiatric hospitals’ will be there as patients

He’s even got his own little badge

Jeremy Hunt has vowed to bear down on NHS staff strongly enough so that 10,000 of them are admitted to psychiatric care by 2020. “That’s 10,000 more, on top of those already there”.

“More doctors, more nurses, and more health workers, all in the care of a strong and stable government. You know, that sounded rather Churchillian, don’t you think?”

“We’ll be using cognitive behavioural therapy” explained Hunt “Partly because doctors we’ve paid to say so say it’s effective, partly because CBT is easier to say than psychotherapy, but mostly because it’s cheap.”

“Then, when the staff patients are feeling a bit more chipper Continue reading →

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by | May 7, 2017 · 11:01 am

Jeremy Hunt promises NHS “more of the same medicine” if Tories win

Compared to what I’ve planned, my previous cuts are tiny

The NHS will get bigger doses of the same medicine “but only if the public choose us again” said Jeremy Hunt, adding “What hasn’t killed you is obviously not yet strong enough.”

Speaking on the Andrew Marr Show this morning, Mr Hunt said that doctors, nurses, and support staff will only deliver first rate services if their hopes and dreams are further crushed, beneath the heel of an immensely wealthy man who doesn’t have to use them himself.

“It’s no use having a Health Secretary who depends on the NHS for his own healthcare” he said “Otherwise he might be swayed by issues of self-interest, such as being seen within 4 days when he turns up at A&E with a broken jaw, an axe in his head, or a rectally inserted junior doctors’ contract.”

“Might I interest you in some slightly out of date marmalade, Andrew?”

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by | May 6, 2017 · 1:26 am

Corbyn orders McDonnell to lay down electoral life in futile gesture

Don’t know why these two are on our minds

Jeremy Corbyn has told shadow chancellor John McDonnell to sacrifice himself for the good of Labour’s election campaign.

“The election’s not going very well, you know,” said Corbyn. “It’s a psychological thing rather like a game of football and in football ten men often play better than eleven so I’ve asked John to be that one man.”
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by | May 4, 2017 · 7:13 am

New ‘grasping prosthetic hand’ is actually based on Philip Green

Scientists made the prosthetic hand more lifelike than the original

Harold scientists have developed a prosthetic hand with extraordinary grasping powers, inspired by the limbs of well-known yacht enthusiast, Sir Philip Green.

Dr Rachel Guest explains: “Our new device bypasses usual hindrances like common decency, by incorporating the so-called Green technology chip into a myoelectric hand.”

“Once it detects stored wealth, say pensioners’ life savings, the prosthetic limb can grasp everything not actually nailed down, then hide it in a Monaco bank account held in trust by the other hand.”

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by | May 2, 2017 · 6:52 pm

Threatening the other side “a good negotiating strategy” says May

Come on then, Juncker, if you think you’re hard enough

Theresa May says firing off threats and insults is the bedrock of successful negotiations and so she’ll be a “bloody difficult woman” towards Jean-Claude Juncker during Brexit talks.

Reviving a line used during her leadership campaign, when she didn’t need opponents to like her afterwards, she added “Come on then Juncker, if you think you’re hard enough!”

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by | April 29, 2017 · 5:30 am

Police quiz Paul Nuttall over “holding feet to fire” threat

Anyone else hearing General Melchett? “Baaah”

The Met have questioned this month’s Ukip leader Paul Nuttall, after he issued threats to “hold the goverment’s feet to the fire”, during the official launch of Ukip’s election campaign.

“If enough people are stupid enough to vote for him” said Met Commissioner Cressida Dick “Mr Nuttall  threatened some form of physical violence. Taking hold of another person’s feet without consent  Continue reading →

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