Of course that was a long time ago and to imply that this reflects the current practice and outlook of the Daily Mail would be as mad as holding a son to account for his father’s views.
Tag Archives: Daily Mail
Daily Mail denies Miliband attack motivated by anti-semitism
Editor of Daily Mail’s father buggered the Queen’s swans
Why is too complicated a question. We just want to know how.
It is a story that should disturb everyone who loves this country for the Evening Harold can exclusively reveal that Peter Dacre the journalist whose son Paul now edits the Daily Mail buggered Her Majesty’s swans on several occasions and then blamed what we would today call asylum seekers for the Queen’s feathery subject’s distress.
Peter Dacre was extremely fond of nipping along to a quiet stretch of the Thames near Runnymede where he could get down to some serious man et swan action without fear of being interrupted. There are locals living there now who can still recall hearing cries of ‘How’s that for a Magna Carta?” echoing out from the reeds and remember being terribly afraid of what effect this would have on the value of their houses. Continue reading
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Injunction prevents Daily Mail publishing saucy beach shots of Eric Pickles
Being a responsible news organ we can’t publish ‘The Photos’ but this should give you the general idea.
The nation breathed a collective sigh of relief when a court injunction was awarded yesterday preventing the Daily Mail’s from publishing a collection of photos of Communities Secretary, Eric Pickles, enjoying a relaxing beach holiday with his wife, Irene, ahead of this week’s Conservative Party Conference.
Alongside the banned photographs, the Mail had intended to publish a story commenting upon his ‘unbelievable body’ and ‘skimpy beach shorts’. Continue reading
Gove solves primary school places crisis: poor kids to attend houses of work instead
Predator: do not let this man near your children
Education Secretary, Michael Gove, has announced that he has solved the current primary school places crisis by arranging for the children of parents who receive any form of state benefit and/or whose income places them in the lowest third of wage-earners in the country to be educated in houses of work instead of schools.
“This new system is of benefit to all,” Gove declared. “Your typical hard-working family – maybe he’s a Cabinet minister and she writes drivel that would shame a baboon for the Daily Mail – will no longer have their beloved children exposed to the kids of people who have failed in life. It is unfair to both sides for everyone to educated together. Rich children shouldn’t be expected to share and poor ones shouldn’t be encouraged to have aspirations.” Continue reading
Scientists develop cure for Daily Mail
The only two word combination that signals a higher concentration of mediocrity is Quote Unquote
Harold scientists Rachel Guest and John Goody have today announced that after many years of trials and research they have developed a cure for the Daily Mail.
“The Daily Mail has blighted lives for over a century” said John Goody. “We’re very proud to have beaten this scourge once and for all. Hopefully soon the sidebar of shame, the hideous use of the phrase ‘all-grown up’ to justify sexually objectifying children and a crazed love for declaring that anything, absolutely anything at all, can give you cancer will be just a bad memory.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News
Decline in Daily Mail sales blamed on reduction of adult magazines in stores
Managers at the Daily Mail have become concerned about fall in sales of their newspaper. The decline has been blamed on both the reduction in pornographic magazines in newsagents and the ones that are left being wrapped in plastic.
“Sales have dropped by 62% since people have lost the ability to hide their copy of the Daily Mail in a porn mag” said Paul Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail. “It seems that although many things are not as taboo as they used to be, being seen in public with a copy of the Mail will never be socially acceptable.”
Continue reading
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Daily Mail to back gay marriage after realising it will improve house prices
Who wouldn’t want to live next door to Biggins? He’s lovely.
The Daily Mail notorious for its homophobic editorials and columnists is set to reverse its stance on gay marriage after realising that it will improve house prices in the UK.
“It’s a well known industry fact,” said Harold estate agent, Gill Gates. “Gay people actively improve neighbourhoods and drive up house prices as more and more people realise that instead of living next-door to Terry and Stacey, their six kids and a rottweiller they can be next to two married guys with an adorable kitten.” Continue reading
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Filed under Around Harold, News
Residents on benefits plead to be taken into police custody to keep village safe
Worried residents of Harold who are currently on any form of benefit from job seekers allowance to war widows pension pleaded with the police to take them into custody to ensure the safety of those around them.
Carly Jeffery who works as a teaching assistant at St Mary’s and receives housing benefit and child benefit for her two children Ben (7) and Alice (4) is terrified that being in reciept of government money means that she will harm her family.
“With the Daily Mail claiming that Mick Philpott and his two accomplices wouldn’t have killed if being on benefits hadn’t made them do it, I’m worried for the safety of my children. I love the kids to bits but I now see that they have been born into a culture of dependency and are doomed to be as feckless as I am. It’s only right that I’m locked up and they are raised by the state which will of course ease the burden on hard working tax payers and give the children a better chance in life, won’t it?”
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