Come on then, Juncker, if you think you’re hard enough
Theresa May says firing off threats and insults is the bedrock of successful negotiations and so she’ll be a “bloody difficult woman” towards Jean-Claude Juncker during Brexit talks.
Reviving a line used during her leadership campaign, when she didn’t need opponents to like her afterwards, she added “Come on then Juncker, if you think you’re hard enough!”
EU citizens in the UK, British citizens living abroad, and now Gibraltar.
The list of things that are ‘not on the table’ and ‘will not be used as bargaining chips’ grows ever longer. But sources close to the government have revealed that we might end up bargaining with actual chips!
UK negotiators could bring parcels of our piping hot, newspaper-wrapped national dish and offer chips, a battered sausage, or even a bite of fishcake in exchange for “the best possible deal for the United Kingdom”.
Access to free market…fancy a chip, Angela?
Access to health services for Brits…batter scraps, Monsieur?
However, UK negotiators could snatch away the bargaining chips at the last minute and eat them all by themselves, warn sources, and the EU team would just have to lump it.
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“Execute Order 66…er…I mean Article 50.”
At 12:30 this afternoon Theresa May will stand in the House of Commons and read a statement formally beginning the start of Brexit and her tireless work on behalf of rich and elderly Conservative voters. Continue reading
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PM in discussions with Ruth Davidson
Theresa May says the UK status quo, where people in London dictate to people in Scotland, has absolutely no echoes in the EU status quo, where people in Brussels dictate to people in the UK.
“It’s completely different” said a clearly impatient Mrs May “because the English have been doing it for centuries, whilst the EU has only been Continue reading
Still struggling to grasp the situation
Frothing Westminster brexiteers have called for the monarch to take decisive action, after the Lords exercised their parliamentary rights and voted for EU nationals to stay in the UK post-Brexit.
Rising onto his elbows from his sick-bed, against medical advice, swivel-eyed MP John Redwood spluttered “will of the people … clear mandate … take back control … must get the Queen to Continue reading
Point to your right, Iain
The feeling you get when you bite tinfoil made flesh, Iain Duncan Smith, has claimed that yesterday’s Supreme Court decision on Brexit was “marginal” he then said: “Eight to three is a tiny lead. Almost as small as the amount of shits that I give for the fatal consequences of what I did at the DWP.”
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It’s immature but we want to caption this: ha ha ha aha ha ha. So we are
Despite claiming to love it more than racist posters and buses bedecked with lies, Brexiters are now saying that they want a sovereign parliament about as much as they want to live close to a mosque. Continue reading
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Domini Raab outside the Supreme Court. Oh, too late
Fingernails down a blackboard in human form, people’s democratic champion Dominic Raab shocked viewers this morning, by vanishing up his own a*se during a live TV interview.
Raab, who comes second only to Michael Gove as the Tory MP you’d most like to punch, was on BBC TV News this morning, wittering on about Brexit; his only interest, apart from The Life and Times of Dominic Raab.
Standing on the street outside the Supreme Court (only Pinewood’s James Bond set can now accommodate his massive head), Continue reading
Carney struggles to make himself clear to morons
Mark Carney has warned the UK to curb it’s credit card use, because any Brexit windfall will go to the Treasury, not direct to morons.
Borderline simpleton and pub bore, Alec Fairchild, dismissed Carney’s fears, however. “I’d rather take Boris Johnson’s word over that of a Canadian immigrant.”
“And don’t get me started again about the ‘£350 million for the NHS’ on the side of a bus.” he insisted “Us leavers aren’t stupid. We all knew that wasn’t true and Boris has admitted it. But, if the £350 million isn’t going to the NHS … it must be going somewhere else.” Continue reading
Most of them have doodles of Gove on a gallows on the cover
Another secret document has been photograhed being carried along Downing Street. “To be honest, this one’s got us stumped.” said a senior official “Short of putting papers in our pockets, we’re powerless.”
Now though, Harold inventor Dr Rachel Guest has come up with a novel solution which she hopes will be considered by Ministers.
“Desperate times, desperate measures.” says Dr Guest, who’s worked on the problem for two years. “Theresa May says it’s foolish to reveal her strategy to EU negotiators, but that approach could be undermined if any of them have a camera and know how to get to Downing Street.” Continue reading
He’s the hero we deserve
Wiping tears of mirth from her eyes Harold’s Labour Councilor Nina O’Neil said that this had “cheered her up a treat” and that “it’s good to step away from politics and Trump and Brexit and laugh at something absurd. Is Tony Blair the new parrot sketch?”
“The idea that a war-mongering, dodgy business owning, where do you even start with the wife, possessor of a fortune built on the blood of Iraqi children, psycho-Christian could in any way represent the left is just hilarious,” she said. “Can he be on BBC1 on Christmas Day instead of Mrs Brown?”
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Claims he’s a doctor but he’s still an illegal alien. No more, let’s take back control
The Ministry of Truth-approved version of dull people thinking they’re cutting loose classic, the Time Warp, is almost impossible to dance to, would-be revellers have complained.
As culture continues to undergo evaluation and correction to make it suitable for Brexit Britain the Time Warp has failed to be improved. “It’s rubbish,” said disappointed terpsichorean, Jane Hough. “It’s just a jump to the right and then a step to the right, with your right arm in the air, women, keep your knees in tight, there’s no pelvic thrust…How do you dance to that?”
“The whole thing becomes a mess of disgruntled people milling around not knowing what they’re doing and having no fun,” she said. “What that’s got to do with Brexit I can’t imagine.”
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Wear them or die. We give it five years before that’s a real law
The Daily Mail, an evil early post-war village fête where all the cakes taste like hate and the top prize in the raffle is a trip to throw stones at the Windrush as she docks in word form, is today demanding the death penalty for the three judges who ruled that MPs should vote on Brexit after they were photographed not wearing poppies. Continue reading
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Him and Matt Baker run a fight club #FACT
Despite most Brits being obese city dwellers who wouldn’t know a badger if they found one in their kitchen whipping up a batch of parkin, Amber Rudd has announced that every citizen of Brexit Britain is now required to watch Countryfile. Continue reading
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Vinnie Jones says Britain would be complete pussies to choose anything other than hard Brexit.
“It’s about self-respect” said Jones. “Soft Brexit sounds like something the French would do to appease the Germans.”
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Brexit lifts us up where we belong
Minister for Brexit, David Davis, is to promise the UK what it needs in a speech at the Tory conference.
“Will it hurt?” he will say. “Not for me. For you, that’s a different matter. Hurt is such a subjective expression, don’t you think?” Continue reading
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But the bus, oh the bus was beautiful. Surely something that pretty cannot lie?
As Theresa May says no way to Brexit promises on immigration and the NHS while leaders at the G20 summit queue up to tell her they’d rather trade with some ducks and a pie than Britain, even Daily Mail readers are realising that Brexit is bobbins. Continue reading
Va te faire foutre, souris de merde!
Shouty gnome on a mission to make everything at least twelve per cent more dreadful, Nicolas Sarkozy, has made a speech calling for Disneyland Paris to be moved to the other side of the Channel. Continue reading
Gavin Mitchell says he doesn’t regret his Brexit vote even though a river of shit is running from his bathroom to the living room.
“Actually I’m proud of this river of shit” said the Britain First member. “It’s a symbol of how patriots like me stood up to those Eastern Europeans who were taking the piss, and, as it happens, taking the shit.”
Mitchell said living in a rapidly growing torrent of excrement was a small price to pay for taking back control of Britain’s drains and sewers.
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Every picture of this poster has bl**dy Farage standing in front of it
UKIP has hailed the return of ‘traditional British values’ hate crimes.
In the sharp rise in hate crimes since the referendum, it sees an indicator that the country is already grinding inexorably back towards the 1950s.
“Obviously we’re a long way” said an unknown UKIP spokesman who was definitely not Nigel Farage “a long way away from seeing ‘No dogs or gypsies’ signs on pub doors again.”
“But Rome wasn’t built in a day. Continue reading
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