Bill Clinton has angrily denied phoning Melania Trump, instantly causing people to speculate he must have Skyped or Snapchatted her.
“I did not have phone relations with that woman” said Clinton. “I’ve never heard of ‘speed dial’, I don’t even know what a phone is, much less how she appeared on my ‘frequent contacts’ list.”
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A few days after their ‘funneling money to their mates’ careers ended, David Cameron and George Osborne have resumed their ‘inheritor of money’ careers.
The pair were said to be exhausted after 6 years of coming up with ever more outlandish reasons why the poor had to bear the brunt of austerity, and pleased to now have the more relaxing job of rolling around in a pile of daddy’s money.
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Filed under Politics
Is the real reason Labour rebels are trying to get rid of Jeremy Corbyn because they are really really really scared he will win the general election?
Are Blairites (or is that Blairongs?) worried that a Corbyn victory could lead to the end of banker and defence contractor junkets, and consign them to years in the wilderness where a Murdoch party invitation and an oil war are both pipe dreams?
A future SO terrible they’d have to pay for their own drinks?
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With number of children now the key factor in choosing the Tory leader, unemployed father of 129 Dave Grobbelaar has applied to join the race.
Grobbelaar, who lives in Harold’s Shippam’s Estate, said he didn’t want to knock people who had less than 100 children, but he felt constantly fathering children gave him an unmmatched stake in the future of the country.
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A local vegan is absolutely adamant she never even thinks about eating succulent bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin, and she is sick of having to point this out multiple times a day.
Julie Kettle, a shopkeeper from Harold, says people are constantly saying ‘oh, you’re a vegan’ and it gets a bit boring having to reply ‘yes I am, and I don’t even think about succulent bacon-wrapped pork tenderloin flavoured with smoked paprika and mustard’.
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Mass shootings could soon to be thing of the past as the latest massacre sees the US population dwindle to 27.
Mass shooting are technically defined as four or more people, which means the popular pastime could be off-limits inside a week.
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Britain faces another divisive referendum over the exact method of dispatching monger of wars Tony Blair.
Harold shop owner Julie Kettle says she regrets not being informed enough about the EU referendum, so she’s really done her homework this time.
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‘The WMD was THIS big’
“Just a glance at the Chilcot report shows just how unsuited Corbyn is to lead the country into a Middle Eastern war” said foreign dictator consultant Blair.
“The report rightly praised me for taking the most flimsy intelligence in a dossier and misrepresenting it so well that people were convinced Saddam could make a nuclear bomb from sand. Can you imagine Corbyn doing that if he’d been PM? He’s so naive he’d have just told the British public there was no immediate threat which would make it very hard to have a decent war.”
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Definitely better than Gove or Farage
Given the options of May, Davis, Corbyn, Farage, or Baldrick, respondents overwhelmingly chose Baldrick as ‘at least he has a f*cking plan, which is more than you can say for the rest of the slimy lizards’.
Details of Baldrick’s plan are sketchy, but it is believed to be ‘a plan so cunning, you could pin Michael Gove on it, and call it a weasel’.
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Filed under EU referendum, Politics
‘An orderly queue please, no pushing’
Britain First member Gavin Mitchell is still patiently waiting for the job and girlfriend that must surely come now the UK is an immigrant-free paradise after leaving the EU.
“To be honest, I’m a bit baffled why I’m still unemployed now we’ve given the heave-ho to those foreigners who’ve stolen our jobs. But I guess it takes a bit of time to sack those foreign doctors, and I’ll get the call up to replace them as soon as the paperwork is completed” said Mr Mitchell.
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Filed under EU referendum
‘Should be plenty’
“I’ve always wanted to visit Britain but having to save 4,945 years salary to afford the airfare and hotel put me off” said Henry Mallari. “But now I can pay for the holiday with loose change I found behind the couch.”
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Filed under EU referendum
Having sexy time with a pig is now the second most embarrassing thing to happen to David Cameron, with leaving his child in the pub relegated to 3rd place.
“I’ve set the bar high, but this is really, really embarrassing” said Cameron. “And it will only get worse, do I really have to congratulate Boris and Nigel?”
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Filed under EU referendum
An instruction to ‘write a few lines or a novel, but not War and Peace’ has backfired on a local council after an employee spent her entire working year completing her performance appraisal for the year ending 31 December 2018.
Previously criticised for not providing enough evidence in her 2017 appraisal, Harold Council Health and Safety Officer Joan Willis said she wasn’t going to make that mistake again so she ‘literally ticked all the boxes, and then some’ to produce a PA that left no doubt whatsoever that she met all the criteria for a 1% pay rise.
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Filed under Around Harold, Employment
A seagull who fell into a vat of curry launched a bid to be President of all the Seagulls by saying he will ban all migratory birds from the UK.
The newly bright orange gull nicknamed ‘Donald’ immediately blamed his plight on foreign birds who come to the UK stealing prime seaside food scraps from under the noses of local birds, forcing them to scavenge in less desirable locations such as curry houses.
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Maria Sharapova let out an orgasmic scream of delight on learning her 2 year ban only applied to tennis, and not grunting or screaming.
“EeeeeewwWWWWWHHHHHH” said Sharapova on hearing the news. “WeeeeehaaaaaaawwWWWWWW, uummmppfff.”
One of the top screamers in the world for a number of years, Sharapova expected to be silenced for taking volume enhancing drugs, but incomprehensibly authorities only banned her from hitting furry green balls.
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In the wake of the tragic death of a 17 year old gorilla, Cincinnati Zoo plan to introduce portable cages to house children and their bored parents as they wander aimlessly round the zoo.
Zoo director Thayne Maynard said it appeared to be unrealistic to expect parents to look after their own children, so mobile cages were the obvious answer.
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Another cardigan saved from being put down
Corbyn, a long time cardigan fancier, said he was immediately taken by the striking black and white checked pattern on one his regular visits to the Islington branch of the Cardigan’s Protection League.
“The pattern reminded me of a chessboard, and the stirring bishop and pawn battles I had with the other boys at Grammar School. Chess was such a great game, but completely unsuited to meeting girls, which is why I packed it in and starting marching against the bomb instead” reminisced Corbyn.
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Filed under Lifestyle
David Cameron says he hadn’t want to unduly alarm voters, so previously he’d just warned that Brexit would lead to a complete economic collapse and World War III, but the cruel reality is that a ‘leave vote’ means the public could lose the best and most loved Prime Minister and Chancellor they’d ever had.
“I know the affection in which George and I are held by the British people, and it doesn’t bear thinking about how upset people will be if we lose our jobs” explained Cameron. “There’ll be wailing in the streets, teeth will be gnashed.”
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Camerump pool their intellectual resources to no avail
Cameron, who thinks the way to fix a financial system plundered by the elites is to take more money off disabled people, said Trump needed to be sent a message that it was wrong to brag about picking on certain groups and to divide society.
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Mr Green counted his chickens a bit too soon
Speaking from his hospital bed, Mr Green said he was still over the blue moon about Leicester City winning the league, and being hit by lightning and losing £100,000 was just ‘one of those things’, albeit one of those things that occurred twice in a 30 minute spell.
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