Everyone: “Just stop it, all of you.”
Senior politicians from all parties have demanded that politicians from other parties stop playing politics in the run up to the General Election.
At Prime Ministers question time today, Theresa May told the House that calling the election was essential as “too many Westminster MP’s had deliberately made political points about the details of Brexit”.
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At some races, Alonso has resorted to hailing a cab
With Fernando Alonso complaining last weekend that he’s never raced with less power, McLaren are to swap their Honda engines for pedal power, coupled to a Shimano 16-speed gearset.
“We’re keeping the energy recovery battery set-up though,” said McLaren test driver Jenson Button “as that’s always given more power than Honda’s engine ever did.”
The semi-retired former world champion explained that his high-profile winter triathlon training was in fact a ruse, Continue reading
Do you take Tesco Clubcard points?
Harold’s fattest man says losing his wages to an algorithm is pretty much the same as living the dream of casinos, fast cars, and Vodka Martinis; whatever they are.
Billy Mckean, star of the harrowing documentary ‘Help, my liver’s the size of a dog’, says that his ‘undercover job’ as a Tesco Express security guard gives him insight into the superficially different worlds of a criminal mastermind breaking the bank at Casino de Monte Carlo and Darren, from Continue reading
Kelvin MacKenzie, what’s not to like?
The thing you trod in but can’t scrape off your boots however hard you try in human form, Kelvin MacKenzie, has applied the Sun’s equal op’s policy and compared Everton’s Ross Barclay, who has Nigerian heritage, to a gorilla at a zoo.
MacKenzie had been worried that there might yet be some in the city of Liverpool who he hadn’t offended by printing a series of lies about the Hillsborough disaster.
“You know, idiots or those who are both blind and deaf. Maybe someone with severe dementia or in a persistent vegetative Continue reading
There’s a big demand for these chops so you can have one at half-price
Well-known free market critic, the Daily Mail, has called on the government to cap the cost of BBQs in warm weather.
Inspired by the story of Jon Platt, who rejects the laws of supply and demand when they increase his holiday costs, the Mail is expanding its campaign for discount-price holidays during peak periods, to include other seasonal goods and services.
“Retailers ‘somehow’ manage to sell a Weber Genesis E330 BBQ for £700 in January” whined Sarah Vine, who used to be a journalist, “but barely three months later, the sun comes out and they’re all ‘It’s £1,599 take it or leave it’. It must be Jeremy Corbyn’s Continue reading
Neil Hamilton is just as honest as he looks
Former Tory, liar and bankrupt, Neil Hamilton, has accused Mark Reckless of being untrustworthy, in the latest round of Abandon SinkingShip-gate.
The disgraced former MP, who left the Tories and is now UKIP leader in Wales, proving that the biggest turds float to the top, has criticised Reckless for leaving UKIP and aligning himself with the Tories.
Reckless had “betrayed the trust” of UKIP supporters said Hamilton, without a trace of irony, or even a knowing wink Continue reading
[Hold it in, you can do it … no use … too strong … aagh] “HITLER”
Offered the chance to talk about Brexit, Arsene Wenger’s future at Arsenal, and the Cadburygate scandal, the loveable newt-botherer elected to keep on digging his way downwards, out of the hole in which he’d found himself. Continue reading
Only *something* of the night?
Former Tory leader, Lord Howard has made the world just a little darker (again), by referencing the Falklands war when discussing Gibraltar, but he’s certain the Spanish won’t be offended at all.
“No, it’s fine, trust me. It won’t mean anything to Spain, as they’ve no links to Argentina.” said Howard “Apart from a shared heritage and culture. Oh, and the language, Spanish is it?”
“Most Spaniards won’t have even heard of the Falklands,” Continue reading
Policies no longer written in indelible ink.
The government’s latest policy U turn, on testing kids who struggle to fasten their shirt buttons, has come as a shock to teachers, who thought it was all going swimmingly.
“Sats are great” affirmed Harold teaching assistant, Carly Jeffery “they don’t cause stress for schools, staff, children or parents, so I’m wary of dropping them without evidence. But clearly the DfE knows what it’s doing.” Continue reading
“Bigger arseholes? How would that have worked then?”
Nigel Farage, has set the UK a tough puzzle; “How could UKIP possibly have been bigger arseholes over the past few years?”
In the wake of Farage’s claim that UKIP could have been more anti-immigrant, but for the spoilsport Douglas Carswell, the Nation has expelled a massive “WTF?” “I’m a dab hand at crosswords and killer sudoku and once got two questions right on Brain of Britain,” said Continue reading
Carswell leaving leaves UKIP a few nuts short of a fruitcake
Clacton’s worryingly weird MP, Douglas Carswell, a highly principled man who changes party more often than most people do their socks, has abandoned a sinking ship and left UKIP. Which is what Clacton deserves, you’re probably thinking.
“I won’t switch parties, or cross the floor, “said Carswell, who will just stay on as MP for Clacton, without bothering the voters again. “It’s not big money as an MP but more than I’d get elsewhere realistically, so it was a no-brainer.”
“I’ll sit as an independent now,” he explained, before adding “not with all UKIP’s other MPs. Oh no, they haven’t got any …” Continue reading
They say he’ll have your eyes out in a flash. As will the eagle
The naming of an old fossil in honour of David Attenboroug was abandoned today, after it yawned, scratched, and was revealed as Keith Richards, contemplating a difficult guitar riff.
This is just the latest in a series of setbacks for the naming things after Sir David Attenborough industry.
Last year the ‘Dinosaur Attenborosaurus Conybeare’ was found to be Ronnie Wood, taking an unusually long afternoon nap.
A wildflower named Attenborough Hawkweed, Continue reading
Sean Spicer & Nick Griffin, never seen in the same room
Sean Spicer’s less intelligent dodgy uncle look-alike, Nick Griffin, plans to inflict himself on the unsuspecting Hungarians later this year.
Griffin spoke in glowing terms of the growing ”nationalist emigre community” in Hungary, where he’ll move to later this year. He will continue to be politically active though, campaigning for less immigration and stronger national borders.
Laws of quantum physics were suspended yesterday, as Oxford English Dictionaries failed to fit this proposition into Einsteins general theory of relativity. Continue reading
“Oh and skiing, I love skiing too”
Prince William says he doesn’t have to do any work at all if he doesn’t feel like it.
“I’m second in line to the throne, do you see?” He explained to a meeting of Fleet Street editors today. “That’s how it is with a monarchy, I was sure you’d all know.”
“Didn’t any of you study British Constitution at school? I was going to take it at A level but learned all I needed to know at GCSE. It was brilliant, my favourite subject.”
“The thing is” the Prince went on Continue reading
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Oh oh. More words on a bloody bus
Are you the beneficiary of dodgy general election accounting practice?
Maybe you’re now an MP, who wouldn’t be if you’d stuck to the rules.
If so, then your £76,000 MP salary might be just what your party needs to meet an unexpected bill.
Still smarting from Wednesday’s budget reversing, the Tories have to stump up for an Electoral Commission fine of £70,000, after fiddling the figures in the last General Election and are asking for donations from anyone who might have benefitted from their underhand behaviour and “unreasonable uncooperative conduct”.
Please send cash, cheques, postal orders, or negotiable bonds to: Sir Mick Davis, Treasurer, Conservative Party, PO Box 123, George Town, Cayman Islands
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Somewhere ahead a bearded man is waving a red flag
Labour seems to have lost contact with its leader, in a dense fog.
A kindly-looking bearded man, thought to be Labour’s leader, was last seen waving a red flag aloft, before disappearing.
According to an Evening Harold senior lip-reader, the man had mouthed a soundless “This way everybody, follow me…” then strode off towards who knows where, whilst the party itself Continue reading
Is he awake?
Living embodiment of a heavy mogadon overdose in human form, Philip Hammond, has dropped plans to increase NI rates for the self-employed.
“I’ve listened to the negative comments of the Daily Mail and its readers and acted accordingly.” said Chancellor Hammond, adding, “I’m not a fool!”.
“I now realise Continue reading
“Another prick and a wall”
Brexiters believe the UK voting to leave the EU is nothing like Scotland voting to leave the UK.
“You simply can’t compare people wanting to regain sovereignty with other people wanting to regain their sovereignty. Any fool can see they’re not the same thing at all.” said Jacob Rees-Mogg Continue reading
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PM in discussions with Ruth Davidson
Theresa May says the UK status quo, where people in London dictate to people in Scotland, has absolutely no echoes in the EU status quo, where people in Brussels dictate to people in the UK.
“It’s completely different” said a clearly impatient Mrs May “because the English have been doing it for centuries, whilst the EU has only been Continue reading
Still struggling to grasp the situation
Frothing Westminster brexiteers have called for the monarch to take decisive action, after the Lords exercised their parliamentary rights and voted for EU nationals to stay in the UK post-Brexit.
Rising onto his elbows from his sick-bed, against medical advice, swivel-eyed MP John Redwood spluttered “will of the people … clear mandate … take back control … must get the Queen to Continue reading
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