Author Archives: dvo

by | October 25, 2016 · 12:45 pm

Labour’s Stone pays the price for standing behind Ed Miliband

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The Stone had to be clamped in place , after twice running away

Grey, dull and seemingly hewn from the solid, Labour’s massive election cock-up, Ed Miliband has cost his Party’s election Stone dearly.

In the wake of the Electoral Commission’s £20,000 fine, Labour’s Stone has spoken for the first time about its 2015 election humiliation.

“My role was to be in the background, a solid, yet effectively blank canvass, against which party policies might be clearly outlined by a human.” Continue reading →

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by | October 23, 2016 · 8:00 am

Prisons reform on hold to see if prison deaths can reduce recividism

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Liz Truss. We’ll leave you to think of your own caption

Liz Truss is waiting to see if a 27% increase in prisoner self-harm can be translated into actual deaths, before starting on reforms planned by her hapless, pasty-faced predescessor, Michael Gove.

“Signs are encouraging but one swallow of bleach doesn’t make a summer.” Continue reading →

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by | October 21, 2016 · 1:15 pm

Theresa May’s 1am speech “well received” by waiters and cleaning staff

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“I’m in Room 264. What’s your policy on withdrawal?”

For her first PM speech at the EU summit, Theresa May was given a prestigious slot, between the traditional ceremonies of “Clearing the coffee cups” and “Laying the breakfast tables”.

After thanking her hosts for the honour of “the last speech”, with time limits enforced by Nicholas Parsons, Continue reading →

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by | October 20, 2016 · 2:41 pm

Trump won’t commit to accept gravity

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Trump is on the lookout for floating voters

During the third televised presidential debate, the United States’ most popular orange wig-stand, Donald Trump, has refused to commit to accept gravity.

“I have a tremendous plan to make America float again.” said Trump last night. “Crooked Hillary’s ‘universal laws’ have held this country down for far too long. Believe me, it’s gonna be so great….”

When pressed by the moderator to confirm his acceptance of gravity, Trump declined Continue reading →

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by | October 18, 2016 · 7:00 am

UKIP refugee, Steven Woolfe upset to be refused entry to other parties

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Woolfe had to get out so quickly he had to leave his principles behind

Part-time scrapper, Steven Woolfe has been left stranded and lonely, after fleeing UKIP and not being rescued.

“I was afraid for my life after being attacked by Mike Hookem. I had to get out at such short notice I had to leave my principles behind.” said Woolfe yesterday “Astonishingly, other political parties simply rejected me.”

A tearful Woolfe appealed to Conservatives’ sense of compassion “It never occurred to me that I wouldn’t be welcomed.  Continue reading →

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by | October 6, 2016 · 7:28 pm

Tyson Fury enters UKIP leadership race

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FURY SAYS HE CAN COPE WITH ATTACKS FROM THE LEFT OR THE RIGHT

Celebrity racist and well-known misogynist, Tyson Fury, has signed up for the UKIP leadership race, claiming he has the firepower to despatch Mike ‘Right’ Hookem in the early rounds.

“Mike was impressive against barrister Steven Woolfe. What a ridiculous name by the way, with a name like Woolfe I thought he’d be a bit tasty but he went down like his name was Poodle.” Continue reading →

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by | October 5, 2016 · 12:26 pm

Farage technically still UKIP leader: online petition “to make the bastard stay on” tops one million

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massive braying bellend

With Nigel Farage still in charge of UKIP, the party which made everyday racism acceptable again, a campaign forcing the massive braying bellend  to stay on has already gained huge support.

“We’d enough people signed up to trigger a parliamentary debate in the first hour.” said campaign organiser Alison Lee “If we reach ten million they’ll have to pass new laws, ensuring Farage not only stays as UKIP leader but also spends four hours in the stocks on College Green on weekends and alternate Wednesdays until further notice.” Continue reading →

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by | October 4, 2016 · 12:16 pm

Ex-soldiers “will keep their guns” if recruited as prison officers

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Coming to a prison near you, as officer or inmate

Justice Minister Liz Truss says ex-soldiers working as prison officers will not only keep their guns but also be exempted from petty European Convention on Human Rights responsibilties, such as the right to life.

“Who better to instil the virtues of discipline?” asks Truss “Who better to show what you can achieve in life with courage, integrity, and an L85A2 assault rifle?” Continue reading →

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by | October 3, 2016 · 12:44 pm

Chancellor: Tory borrowing to invest is “completely different” from Labour borrowing to invest

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Our borrowing and spending is different from Labour’s because reasons

Philip Hammond says that his planned spending on infrastructure is wise and pragmatic, unlike Labour’s planned spending on infrastructure, which is another example of failed left-wing idealogy.

“We’ll build homes,” he said “where Labour planned to piss taxpayers’ money up the wall by building homes. We’ll improve transport links, where Labour planned to spunk away hard working families’ cash Continue reading →

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by | September 30, 2016 · 1:05 pm

Crisis as Head of inquiry into inquiry resignations resigns

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“First things first though” said Rudd “Is it inquiry or enquiry?”

The Home Secretary is to launch an inquiry, into why the head of the inquiry into why heads of inquiries resign, has resigned.

With inquiries into inquiries consuming an increasingly large proportion of the Home Office budget, a concerned Amber Rudd spoke  yesterday. “We need to put a brake on it soon and I hope this new inquiry should do the job for us”.

 

“Otherwise the Chancellor might well order an inquiry into the costs of the bloody things.” Continue reading →

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by | September 27, 2016 · 7:00 am

Chancellor rubbishes Labour’s ‘living wage for everyone’ plan

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Philip Hammond. It’s okay, we know you’ll have forgotten his name by the end of this sentence.

“It’s nonsense,” said badly reanimated cadaver of the male teacher who scared you the most, Philip Hammond. “At a time of austerity, asking that workers should earn enough to live on is economic suicide. And wages to buy food? Can’t they all eat cake?” the baffled multi-millionaire asked. Continue reading →

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by | September 20, 2016 · 7:00 am

Hard-Brexiteers haven’t finished buggering up the UK yet

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A whiff of Alan B’stard, do you think?

Deeply unattractive people, of the kind that you’d cross a busy main road to avoid, now think that Voting Leave wasn’t daft enough, and are dead-set on making the process even more bloody awful than it has to be.

Dominic Raab, who wanted another referendum if his Vote Leave side had lost, is now as keen as mustard to make the situation as shitty as possible, as soon as possible, Continue reading →

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by | September 19, 2016 · 7:00 am

PC filmed in car attack “just trying to sell raffle tickets for Police Benevolent Fund”

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“WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY A RAFFLE TICKET, SIR?”

A seemingly wanton act of criminal damage may have been an over-exuberant attempt to raise funds for PCs down on their luck.

“Some Officers have to retire early after, say, accidentally attacking a member of the public or their property.” said Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe.

Continue reading →

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by | September 15, 2016 · 1:52 pm

PM gives go ahead to £18bn Hinkley Point Cash generator

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‘Left a bit, right a bit … yeah, good enough’

Theresa May has finally approved a controversial scheme at Hinkley Point, to process un-spent income into fat profits for France and China.

 

“State involvement in massive infrastructure projects is never a good idea.” asserted the PM today “Unless it’s a foreign State of course, in which case everything’s fine – ‘fill yer boots’ Continue reading →

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by | September 12, 2016 · 7:00 am

Liam Pot calls Kettles black

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“It’s bad news sir, all your gutters need changing”

An awful Pot, with no discernible personal or professional boundaries, has criticised Britain’s Kettles for preferring to play “golf on a Friday afternoon”, rather than buggering up the UK’s economic future.

The Pot had been hiding under a stone for some years, after people found out that he was a shabby, chancer of a Pot. Being shameless however, the Pot assumed that like him, people had forgotten all about his expenses-hoovering, breaches of parliamentary rules, and vewy special welationship with Wewity Wabbit. Continue reading →

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by | September 11, 2016 · 5:39 pm

Mistrial called in Titchener case after jury members found to be Archers fans

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In happier times, before a ratings boost became necessary

The Judge in the Helen Titchener trial has suspended proceedings after finding that some of the jury had been following the events leading up to the trial by listening to their lives on “Radio 4” and could not be expected to give an unbiased verdict based solely on the evidence presented in court.

Continue reading →

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by | September 9, 2016 · 9:30 pm

Most parents support Grammar schools, “as long as our children get in”

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“Trust me, I went to a grammar school. Why would I lie to you?”

Parents across the country have welcomed the re-introduction of selective secondary education announced by Theresa May, providing their own kids make the grade and avoid the pit of doom that otherwise awaits.

“I’m all in favour of social mobility, as my kids will be on the up escalator.” said Dan Brooks, Harold office manager and borderline simpleton. “Is there a down escalator? Continue reading →

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by | September 3, 2016 · 2:27 pm

Nick Clegg’s new book: shit hits fan(atics)

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Hold on, what was the name of that guy in the cabinet who could have stopped them?

Nick Clegg’s says his forthcoming book will lift the lid on former Tory partners. “The public will be shocked to learn that they were inveterate liars and cheats. Plus IDS was also thick. By the way, I’ve got a new book out.”

Blue Peter badge holder, former ‘deputy prime minister’ and coalition gimp, Clegg reveals that Theresa May made up immigration figures, whilst George Osborne didn’t have a clue Continue reading →

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by | September 1, 2016 · 2:40 pm

Porn fans’ relief: on-line TV licence fees apply only to BBC

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That’s a relief

Seventeen year old porn-enthusiast, Simon Delaney says it’s a huge relief that new TV licencing laws will only affect BBC viewers.

Sitting on his sofa, cashmere sweater round his shoulders and lightweight cotton trousers round his ankles, Delaney says he doesn’t watch much television but will now pull out of watching any BBC channels.

“I’m upset the new rules apply straight away, though. I’d planned to watch Versailles in the long winter evenings and slow down some of the action scenes. Continue reading →

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by | · 9:27 am

Hunt demands a full 7-day strike from Junior Doctors

“I’ll find out who’s responsible. Someone must be in charge.”

Jeremy Hunt has misunderstood the Junior Doctors yet again, calling on them to provide a full 7-day strike later this month.

“NHS patients deserve to have their operations cancelled, whatever day they’re booked for.” said the hapless minister, who assured the public that he’s on track to achieve that by the end of 2016.

“I’ve never been one to shy away from responsibility” said the failed marmalade salesman Continue reading →

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