Tag Archives: theresa may

For sale: Water cannon. Genuine reason for sale

boris johnson

For a few horrible moments, Boris thought the £328,883 was coming out of his own pocket

For sale, any reasonable offer considered.

Audi, BMW and Mercedes not quite cutting it at the golf club? Try out the Wasserwerfer 9000 and water the greens at the same time ‘Springwater durch technik’.

Due to circumstances beyond my control [!] offers are invited for three much-loved water cannon, unexpectedly surplus to requirements. Very low mileage. Finished in sparkling, completely unmarked Metropolitan Police livery.

Could be delivered in time for a Reggae-based August Bank Holiday street carnival.

Inherently dangerous so would suit minor dictator with political ambition, high-functioning sociopath or Alton Towers.

Interested? Then contact:

Boris Johnson
Mayor of London
City Hall
London SE1 2AA

(Note change of address from 2019: 10 Downing St, London SW1A 2AA)

 

 

 

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Theresa May: ‘Actually, we are planning to send three-year-olds to jail for not eating dinner’

jail

Start ’em young

Home Secretary Theresa May has called on UK police to end a social media campaign against scaring children with threats of prison, pointing out that this is actually a key part of the Conservatives’ new law enforcement policy.

Durham Constabulary has published a poster on its Facebook page urging parents not to tell their children that if they refuse to eat dinner the police will take them to prison. The police believe that this will only instill a climate of fear and mistrust of the law from an early age.

However, the Home Secretary has pointed out that the proposed 2016 Law Enforcement, Juveniles (Dinner) Act will specifically make not finishing vegetables a criminal offence for children as young as five. “Five” referring here to days, of course. Continue reading

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Filed under Police, Politics, Social media

Gove says Tories won’t get into bed with Farage, but will consider kinky threesome in Commons toilet

Farage enjoying a pre-coital cigarette

Farage enjoying a pre-coital cigarette

Senior Tory and Chief Whip Michael Gove ruled out getting into bed with UKIP’s Nigel Farage after the election, but said a three-way bondage romp with himself, Farage, and Theresa May in the Commons toilet was still on the table. Nick Clegg might also be allowed to watch.

“Our MPs are renowned for cavorting with call girls, each other’s spouses, bondage mistresses, barely legal school children, and sundry animals in all sorts of locations. Our image would be ruined if we merely got into a plain old bed with Mr Farage. The Conservative Party has very high double standards to maintain” said Mr Gove.
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Filed under Election 2015, Election 2015, Politics

British jihadis returning to UK to be sent straight to the Big Brother house

BB3House_682x400_506744a

Big Brother studio, Elstree: who needs Guantánamo Bay?

The government has announced plans to contain British jihadis who are returning from Syria by the dozen, running scared from the world’s most violent and regressive gap year scheme.

“We can’t revoke passports and we can’t leave them stateless,” said Theresa May. “But what we can do is ensure that they are placed in a secure environment away from the any publicity or internet access.”

“The Big Brother house is perfect,” she enthused. “It’s got great security and no one’s paid it the slightest attention since 2002.”

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Theresa May: Fresh crisis as Norma Jean Baker resigns from Home Office

Big

Norma Jean Baker in happier times

Hapless Theresa May had barely sat down after pretending to apologise to the Commons for last weeks balls-ups, when ‘some Lib-Dem woman’ resigned from her team yesterday afternoon.

“I’m grateful to Norma Jean for all her work for the Home Office over the last err… Continue reading

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Theresa May’s organising of a piss up in a brewery enters its fourth year.

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Theresa May’s attempts to organise a piss up in a brewery has entered its four year, but still looks some way off actually happening.

The piss up was supposed to celebrate her party’s election success in 2010. “I didn’t want anything too complicated, just a few drinks in a place where drink would be readily available,” the prime minister explained.

However the apparently simple task got off to a bad start when May appointed Gordon Brown to arrange the party.
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60 deaths from legal highs in 2013 “may not include alcohol & tobacco”

"Trust me, I'm the Home Secretary."

“Trust me. I’m the Home Secretary, I know what I’m doing.”

Deaths from mood-altering-yet-legal substances remain stubbornly stuck down in double figures, according to a new Home Office report.

Home Secretary Theresa May wrote the foreword but denies some of its apparent support for decriminalising drugs, or indeed having read her own department’s report.

“It was a Home Office report on drugs,” carped Mrs May “why would I bother to read it? Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Drugs, Law and Order, News

Clegg refutes May’s ‘thumping great weasel’ allegation

Theresa_May_and_Ni_2368714b

Our betters

Nick Clegg has accused Theresa May of making “false and outrageous” slurs over her conference speech claim that he is a thumping great weasel who wouldn’t know a genuine political conviction if one woke him up tomorrow with croissants and an especially tender kiss. Continue reading

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Theresa May’s crackdown on poisonous organisations won’t include Daily Mail

Home Secretary outlines her get-tough policy for most people “Then, if I think they look a bit iffy, I grab them by the balls…”

New anti-extremist measures announced yesterday, targeting people and groups who “stay just within the law but spread poisonous hatred”, were described as draconian by some who might fall foul of legislation: Peter Hitchens, Richard Littlejohn, Melanie Phillips and Paul Dacre.

Although a future Conservative government would ban most extremist groups, hurried negotiations yesterday afternoon with Daily Mail owner Lord Rothermere mean the self-styled ‘newspaper’ will be exempt, due to its “unique contribution” to the cultural life of the country.

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“Why won’t you panic?” Government raises threat level to Eeeep!

red-panda-sleeping

The average UK fear level

Frustrated by the UK population’s inability to be scared stupid, the Home Secretary has announced that the government has raised the UK threat level to Eeeep! Meaning that a terrorist attack is deffo totes likely, p’raps, ish, maybe. Continue reading

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Crime commissioner: 10% turn out ‘a vote of confidence’ says Theresa May

If you're going to lie, make it this big

‘If you’re going to tell a lie, make it this big.’

Theresa May has welcomed the news that 10% of the electorate voted in the West Midlands Police & Crime Commissioner by-election.

“Brilliant news. This shows how happy people are with the system I made up. Otherwise they wouldn’t have stayed indoors watching Eastenders, but turned out to vote.”

Mrs May explained exactly why crime figures have been falling steadily for many years both at home and right across western Europe.

“Since 1995, crime in England and Wales has fallen by nearly 60%, which I am linking directly to my having introduced PCCs in 2012. Continue reading

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Damascus Idol: UK to choose Syrian refugees via new Simon Cowell show

British+television+producer+Simon+Cowell+arrives+at+the+at+the+2010+International+Emmy+Awards+in+New+York

A man who’s had so much surgery and botox he’s turning into his own haunted waxwork dummy.

Theresa May announced yesterday that Britain is to take up to five hundred Syrian refugees but insisted that the government will retain the right to choose who it lets in. The Home Secretary acknowledged that whittling down the estimated 2.5 million refugees to just the five hundred deemed worthy of exposure to Chicken Cottage, Richard Littlejohn and The One Show will be tough and confirmed that the actual selection process will be undertaken by Simon Cowell and broadcast every Saturday and Sunday in ITV for the next six months. Continue reading

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UK police to provide water cannon “get clean while-u-riot” service

Riot-U-Wash

Over here! Stubborn stain under the arm!

Chief constables are to press home secretary Theresa May to authorise the use of a powerful new water cannon  after London mayor Boris Johnson raised serious concerns about the smell of poor people rioting.

The Association of Chief Police Officers (Acpo) says that “the likelihood of increased protests as austerity measures increase into the summer is certain to cause a ‘perfect storm’ of hotter days and unwashed protesters, leading to the atmosphere in central London becoming unbearable”.

The new cannon, a Ziegler Wasserwerfer 9000, can get through its 9,000 litres of water in just five minutes on ‘quick wash’, with the water kept at a constant 5C to “safeguard the health of protesters and protect delicate woollens.” Continue reading

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Floods latest: MPs accused of ‘sandbagging’

picklebags

Eric Pickles does his bit for flood defences.

The Environment Agency is poised to commence a new Government venture today in an effort to protect Britain’s coastlines from further flooding caused by the current storms battering the South West.

It has been feared that budget cuts will have severe impact on the department’s ability to respond to emergencies. However Environment Secretary Owen Patterson has responded to these claims with the announcement that Civil Servants will be used to replace traditional Sea Defences. “Inanimate, deadweight and wet, Civil Servants make the ideal replacement for the sandbags we can no longer afford.” he told the commons yesterday. Continue reading

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UK public disappointed in attempts to return unwanted politicians

I'll take a refund but I don't want to exchange her for another one

I’ll take a refund but I don’t want to exchange her for another one

Enterprising members of the public have been left disappointed after attempting to return unwanted MPs along with unwanted Christmas presents this morning.

Many people hit on the idea of returning their local MP along with the new jumper that is several sizes too small, but stores are refusing to refund or even exchange politicians as they claim it is “not their place to do so”. Continue reading

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Outrage as European Court halts 407th burning of Catholic terrorist

Guy Fawkes
The UK’s ability to effectively deal with terrorists was dealt another blow after the European Court of Justice ruled that it was unconstitutional and basically bad form to burn Guy Fawkes for the 407th year in a row.

The European Court noted that it was satisfied that Guy Fawkes was correctly found guilty of being Catholic, and hence a little burning was required, but said 407 times was excessive and amounted to torture or, at the very least, a breach of European clean air guidelines relating to open fires.

In a move that has inflamed public opinion, the Court has not only halted Guy Fawkes impending immolation, but has also said he must be released on bail.
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Cameron’s hope for the future: I want your children to work for mine

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A valuable skills-orientated workplace for a modern Britain and definitely not a dark satanic mill. Honest.

While on a tour of a factory David Cameron spoke of his hopes for the future by declaring that he wants the vast majority of the nation’s children to grow up and work for the children of he and his friends.

“As a country what we ought to be saying is: ‘Let’s get our education system right so we are producing young people out of our schools and colleges who are fully capable of doing these low-paid, soul-sapping jobs for less money a week than I spend on micro-transactions when I’m playing Angry Birds,” the Prime Minister said.

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Theresa May backs down over Jordan’s assurances

Human rights would be abused if he was sent to Jordan's

Human rights would be abused if he was sent to Jordan’s

Theresa May has had to perform another government u-turn over the planned deportation of Abu Qatada. Following the announcement that there were fresh assurances over his treatment by Jordan, she has since had to admit that Katie Price was not in the best position to judge such things.

“I tried to get some reassurances from the country but turned up to the meeting a day late so I asked Ms Price. She said that his safety would be guaranteed with her, as long as he was willing to make a television show about it.”
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