Tag Archives: theresa may

“Bollocks to it, you sort it out” PM asks the Doctor to fix everything

Nardole, the Doctor and Bill: we’ve more faith in these three than we do in Rudd, May and Johnson

With the threat level at Gadsbudlikins! and the NHS on its knees plus Debatable being on all the damn time, Theresa May has ceased to be strong or stable and asked the Doctor to make everything shiny again.
Continue reading

Comments Off on “Bollocks to it, you sort it out” PM asks the Doctor to fix everything

Filed under News

EU Brexit team suffering from hysterical laughter after May’s U-turn

EU negotiators when the news first broke. Medics were called soon after

EU Brexit negotiators are making a good recovery in hospital, after Mrs May’s U-turn on social care funding left their team helpless with laughter and struggling to remain upright.

Speaking from his hospital bed, the EU’s top Brexit negotiator, Michael Barnier wiped tears from his cheeks and said the team should be home by the weekend, “provided that Theresa stays out of the news”.

Unfortunately, even as Barnier was speaking, a colleague from a bed further down the ward called out “Strong and stable” in an irritating voice, reducing them both to quivering jellies Continue reading

Comments Off on EU Brexit team suffering from hysterical laughter after May’s U-turn

Filed under Brexit, Election 2017, News

May’s plan for a fairer (skinned) Britain

The answer’s immigration, now what’s the question?

The best way to banish memories of the 1980s “nasty party” is to create an even nastier party, said Theresa May today, smiling for the cameras. “Immigrants, you’re first up!”

“Social inequality is a great injustice, which we’re going to resolve by making fairer tax laws, asking for a little more from the rich, and employing enough HMRC staff to … hah, fooled you!” laughed Mrs May “No, but seriously, Continue reading

Comments Off on May’s plan for a fairer (skinned) Britain

Filed under Election 2017, News

Theresa May promises the biggest expansion of lies on workers’ rights by any Tory party

Aneurin, or as I knew him, Nyree Dawn Porter

Woman you wouldn’t trust to tell you the correct time, even if she was standing in front of Big Ben, Theresa May, says she’ll build on the proud tradition of Conservative Aneurin Bevan, who launched the NHS in the face of Labour opposition.

“We have many other lies” she insisted “but I think you’ll agree, these are pretty good”.

“Aneurin, or as I always knew him, Nyree Dawn Porter, loved nothing better than riding to hounds.” Mrs May continued.

“But Nyree set that aside when he joined the post-war Conservative government. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under News, NHS, Politics

Threatening the other side “a good negotiating strategy” says May

Come on then, Juncker, if you think you’re hard enough

Theresa May says firing off threats and insults is the bedrock of successful negotiations and so she’ll be a “bloody difficult woman” towards Jean-Claude Juncker during Brexit talks.

Reviving a line used during her leadership campaign, when she didn’t need opponents to like her afterwards, she added “Come on then Juncker, if you think you’re hard enough!”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Threatening the other side “a good negotiating strategy” says May

Filed under Brexit, News, Politics

Politicians call on politicians to stop playing politics over politics

Everyone: “Just stop it, all of you.”

Senior politicians from all parties have demanded that politicians from other parties stop playing politics in the run up to the General Election.

At Prime Ministers question time today, Theresa May told the House that calling the election was essential as “too many Westminster MP’s had deliberately made political points about the details of Brexit”.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Politicians call on politicians to stop playing politics over politics

Filed under Politics

“I’ll represent wealthy old Tories in Brexit negotiations” vows PM

“Execute Order 66…er…I mean Article 50.”

At 12:30 this afternoon Theresa May will stand in the House of Commons and read a statement formally beginning the start of Brexit and her tireless work on behalf of rich and elderly Conservative voters. Continue reading

Comments Off on “I’ll represent wealthy old Tories in Brexit negotiations” vows PM

Filed under Brexit

Theresa May drafts her Dear Jean (Claude Juncker) letter

The Evening Harold has gained access to the first draft of the Prime Minister’s Article 50-triggering ‘Dear Jean’ letter, reproduced here as a world exclusive.

Dear Jean,
There is no easy way to say this, but it’s time we split up and went our separate ways.
It’s not you, it’s 52% of me.

I need some time on my own without the worries of ongoing strained relationships with close union countries.

I’d like to remain friends if we can, even better if we could be “friends with benefits” maybe get together regularly in the next few years in order to fuck each other over?

Remember, there are plenty more fish in the sea (as long as you have the correct territorial and correctly ratified multi border EU council fisheries agreement, and you must throw back half of the ones you catch anyway).

Yours as ever in splendid isolation,

  • Theresa

Comments Off on Theresa May drafts her Dear Jean (Claude Juncker) letter

Filed under EU referendum, Europe, News, Politics

56% to vote Womble at next election: shock poll reveals

They’ll be the best looking Cabinet since Lord Salisbury’s stone cold foxes of 1895

Theresa May’s vision of it always being Tories but never Christmas has been dealt a stunning blow as a new poll revealed that fifty-six percent of voters are planning on voting Womble in 2020. Many of those polled cited the Wombles’ ability to clean up Wimbledon Common and make good use of the things that they find without messing it up, going massively over-budget, selling most of it to overseas shell companies or employing George Osborne as especially appealing. Continue reading

Comments Off on 56% to vote Womble at next election: shock poll reveals

Filed under Politics

Theresa May: UK’s “precious union” is nothing like “awful” European Union

PM in discussions with Ruth Davidson

Theresa May says the UK status quo, where people in London dictate to people in Scotland, has absolutely no echoes in the EU status quo, where people in Brussels dictate to people in the UK.

“It’s completely different” said a clearly impatient Mrs May “because the English have been doing it for centuries, whilst the EU has only been Continue reading

Comments Off on Theresa May: UK’s “precious union” is nothing like “awful” European Union

Filed under Brexit, Politics

Disaster looms as Trump under impression Theresa May is Russian call girl

Come and keep your comrade warm

Diplomats were left crossing their fingers today after it emerged that Donald Trump is under the impression that Theresa May is actually a high-class Russian call girl on a visit to cement relations with Moscow.

“We think it’s the coat,” explained the British ambassador in Washington. “We said ‘no Cossack’, but she just does her own thing. It’s not going to be pretty.”

He admitted that May’s opening US speech may have been ill-advised, after she departed slightly from the usual diplomatic protocol and spoke of “Bending over and taking one for my country”.

Trump was in exultant mood today. “Boy, she’s hot!” he tweeted. “Told me she already fucked 64 million people in her own country, my kind of girl!”

“Theresa May? Theresa WILL more like!”

1 Comment

Filed under Politics, Sex

Unelected PM to meet popular vote losing President to hand him UK

The rest of the sign reads “Is a myth”

Having taken back control from the EU, the UK will today give it all to the United States when Theresa May meets Donald Trump to complete Britain’s decades long march up the United States’ bottom. Continue reading

2 Comments

Filed under Politics

GPs promise to match MP’s surgery hours – 12 hours a day, 7 days a week

Jeremy-Hunt9

Don’t blame me, I’m not in charge of Jack shit

The BMA has unexpectedly agreed to GP surgeries opening 84 hours a week – just as soon as MPs do the same.

“We were against it, when the PM first raised the idea.” said a BMA spokeswoman “But then we thought, sod it, if the MPs can open theirs 12 hours a day, 7 days a week, we’d go for it too. We were straight on the phone to Jeremy Hunt to let him know.”

“I say Jeremy Hunt; we heard he’d gone home for the weekend, so we left a message for him at the DoH. I say message; they were shut, so we left a voicemail. We haven’t heard back but Continue reading

Comments Off on GPs promise to match MP’s surgery hours – 12 hours a day, 7 days a week

Filed under Health, Politics

Theresa May’s 1am speech “well received” by waiters and cleaning staff

may5

“I’m in Room 264. What’s your policy on withdrawal?”

For her first PM speech at the EU summit, Theresa May was given a prestigious slot, between the traditional ceremonies of “Clearing the coffee cups” and “Laying the breakfast tables”.

After thanking her hosts for the honour of “the last speech”, with time limits enforced by Nicholas Parsons, Continue reading

Comments Off on Theresa May’s 1am speech “well received” by waiters and cleaning staff

Filed under Europe, News

Theresa May launches her new image: “I have a dream today!”

may3purple

The Prime Minister decides against “blacking up”, until voters get used to her new image

I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for rich right wing old people in the history of our nation.

Five score and six days ago, the only voters we now give a rat’s arse about, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, declared that there was no such thing as Europe.

This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of working class people who will now be even easier to manipulate. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their perceived captivity to Brussels and released them to a world where they only have themselves, and certainly not us, to blame.

I have a dream that one day  Continue reading

Comments Off on Theresa May launches her new image: “I have a dream today!”

Filed under Civil rights, News, Politics

PM gives go ahead to £18bn Hinkley Point Cash generator

hinkleypoint

‘Left a bit, right a bit … yeah, good enough’

Theresa May has finally approved a controversial scheme at Hinkley Point, to process un-spent income into fat profits for France and China.

 

“State involvement in massive infrastructure projects is never a good idea.” asserted the PM today “Unless it’s a foreign State of course, in which case everything’s fine – ‘fill yer boots’ Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under environment, News, Technology

Everything to be in black and white as Tories drag country back to the forties

8232dee3b27d163f6c3ebd31a3afd293

We’re going to need a lot more hats

Theresa May has announced that the UK will be entirely monochrome from now on to match the government’s policies of there not being an NHS and kids getting written off at eleven if they can’t get into grammar school.

Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Politics

Most parents support Grammar schools, “as long as our children get in”

may

“Trust me, I went to a grammar school. Why would I lie to you?”

Parents across the country have welcomed the re-introduction of selective secondary education announced by Theresa May, providing their own kids make the grade and avoid the pit of doom that otherwise awaits.

“I’m all in favour of social mobility, as my kids will be on the up escalator.” said Dan Brooks, Harold office manager and borderline simpleton. “Is there a down escalator? Continue reading

Comments Off on Most parents support Grammar schools, “as long as our children get in”

Filed under Education, News, Politics

Theresa May acting like Tudor monarch as six wives and terminal syphilis disclosed

Hans Holbein

Hasn’t she let herself go since becoming PM?

Following allegations over her behaviour in not allowing MPs a vote on Brexit, Theresa May has confirmed that she is exactly like a Tudor monarch in that she’s had six wives, and, as well an incurable sexually transmitted disease, also possesses a demented penchant for composing crap yet catchy songs upon a lute, and executing former BFFs. Continue reading

Comments Off on Theresa May acting like Tudor monarch as six wives and terminal syphilis disclosed

Filed under Politics

Theresa May promises to listen to Nicola Sturgeon before ignoring her

Britain's new Prime Minister Theresa May (L) is greet by Scotland's First Minister Nicola Sturgeon (R) as she arrives for talks at Bute House, in Edinburgh, on July 15, 2016. Theresa May visited Scotland for talks with the First Minister less than 48 hours after taking office as British prime minister. / AFP PHOTO / Lesley MartinLESLEY MARTIN/AFP/Getty Images

Sturgeon checks if May is a Freemason

Theresa May says she is “willing to listen to options” on Scotland’s relationship with the EU as long as Nicola Sturgeon understands she won’t actually be doing anything about it or changing her mind.

Indeed, so as to avoid any misunderstanding, the PM insisted that Sturgeon tick a box agreeing to May’s terms and conditions, before she’d let discussions begin.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Theresa May promises to listen to Nicola Sturgeon before ignoring her

Filed under News, Politics