Rabbits everywhere plan to mark the death of Watership Down author Richard Adams by having sex enthusiastically all day, it has been revealed.
Adams died on Christmas Eve aged 96. His famous rabbit novel, first published in 1972, became one of the bestselling children’s books of all time, selling tens of millions of copies.
As the sad news sunk in, burrows and warrens across the country fell silent today, apart from the faint sound of frenzied bunny intercourse.
“It’s a sad blow for all of us,” said Cowpat, a four-year-old buck from a warren near Honiton in Devon.
“I personally plan to commemorate his passing by shagging anything that moves until I fall asleep, after which I’ll nibble a carrot and start again.”
“It’s what he would have wanted. This one’s for you Richard! And this one. And this one.”
Buttock, a two-year-old white doe from Sussex, added: “My heart has joined the thousand, for my friend stopped running today.”
“Fancy a shag?”
“Psst, could you do that more quietly? No-one else knows you’re down there.”
The Sun on Sunday has revealed how two otherwise respectable prostitutes were involved in sleazy drug-fuelled sex romp with former Labour Minister Lord Sewel.
Speaking from underneath another client this morning, one of the women said she felt betrayed by Sewel’s silence about his day job.
“I assumed he was a drug dealer or a pimp” said ‘Janice’ “so I was disgusted to find that he was in the House of Lords. Would you excuse me, just got to finish…” Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics, Sex
Do you mind if I make a sandwich?
With a much-anticipated film about sexy times about to be released in cinemas, the Evening Harold presents a list of phrases to avoid in the bedroom
‘This would be better with swans’
‘Ooh, you make me want to perform a vile sex act’
‘do it, or I will muck you’
‘phew! This is tiring’
‘Now then, now then, guys and gals’
‘Your sister wasn’t this good’
‘I can’t tie knots, so is it OK if I just paralyse you?’
Mostly grey and a bit scruffy? Then four-ply is more likely than foreplay
Yet another problem for Harold WI it seems, following last year’s celebrated mix-up over ‘dog walking’ and ‘dogging’.
“We’d rather hoped those admin problems were behind us,” said WI Chairwoman Jane Fondant “although we did have a welcome surge in membership after ‘The Great 2013 Cock Up.”
Sadly there was fresh disappointment on Monday evening. Locals and visiting members from as far away as Leighton Buzzard gathered in a packed Village Hall, to hear Daphne Rogers’ illustrated lecture on Imaginative ideas for Foreplay.
“Daphne rummaged in her bag then, instead of lavender massage oil and chocolate sauce, hauled out two skeins of wool and a set of knitting needles.” says Fondant “It soon became only too clear she was determined to teach us all about four-ply knitting.”
After last year’s confusion Harold WI had been forced to remind villagers that husbands are allowed only at Invitation Events. “If there was any encouragement to take from Monday evening, it’s that no men turned up, so they’d clearly listened. Or more interested in dogging than foreplay ? No, that’s not very likely”.
You could give us from now until the end of time and we’d still never be able to fold towels into swans.
Friends and family of a Famous Footballer’s last wife have expressed their gratitude and appreciation for his understated first honeymoon orgasm with his latest spouse.
“Big respect to the lad” said Carol Biggs’ father Darren, the former father-in-law of the Footballer. “I mean obviously he’d set up the live video stream and that, from the bridal suite upstairs. To be honest, down in the hotel bar, where he’d laid on a nice finger buffet, all of us watching the screens were a wee bit anxious as the big moment arrived.” Continue reading
A survey by the Office of National Statistics has shown that although the British are notoriously bad in bed, we are the most productive. The survey has shown that there were more births in 2011-2012 than in any other year since 1972 -a vintage year in the baby-making industry that brought us Miranda Hart and Liam Gallagher.
The increase in the birth rate has seen the UK go to number one of EU countries. It is seen as proof that although the French and Italians may be revered for their caring, loving and sensual approach to love making, the traditional British 5-minute-fumble with a stranger is still the most reliable technique for reproduction.
David Cameron has been very quick to jump on this good news story. During a visit with the Mayor of London to a maternity ward, the prime minister told reporters, “This goes to show that despite cuts and austerity, British manufacturing is thriving. This is the most productive this country has been in over 40 years.”
Boris Johnson was also swift to praise the results of the report. When asked if he thought the UK could now retain its place at the top of the baby-making league he said he was “doing his best”.
Not everyone has been so positive though. Len McCluskey, leader of the Unite Union said one good year is not indicative of the industry as a whole. “The human reproduction industry is very similar to coal mining” he told us. “Any positive thoughts are quickly ruined when you lay back and think of Maggie.”
The ONS has used the report to try and rekindle the pride felt in Britain over the year covered. “This recent ‘baby-boom’ has occurred over a time that included the London Olympics” the report said, “which just goes to show, although we weren’t to good in the pool, little British swimmers were still the winners.”
The device can also warm a brown finger roll.
Harold teenager and would-be entrepreneur seventeen year old Simon Delaney is today facing a lengthy legal battle with the Chinese government over his new invention: a toasted sandwich maker that doubles as a sex toy.
“I read a thing about a bloke who had to call the fire brigade when he got his Rasputin stuck in his toaster and I thought, why would you shag a toaster? Then I after a while I thought, why wouldn’t you? So I designed the perfect machine,” said Delaney. “Only I made it a toasted sandwich maker so you can have a bacon and cheese toastie afterwards or maybe even during. Everything’s better with bacon.” Continue reading
It’s what he goes to school for
Distraught Harold teenager, Simon Delaney has spoken out on the very serious subject of male school pupils being sexually harassed by their female teachers.
“Nothing,” he said glumly. “I’d get more action from teachers if I was at Hogwarts and half the staff there are ****ing ghosts.” Continue reading