“I’d like to say sorry for being found out. Can I bill you for that?”
Former cricketer and legendary arsehole, Geoffrey Boycott is still ‘not out’ at the BBC, despite taking a risky shot at West Indian players.
Boycott’s smouldering resentment surfaced recently when at a Sky Sports event, forgetting some brown people were in the audience, he said he’d stand more chance of being knighted if he blacked his face.
A Buckingham Palace spokesman acknowledged “I suppose that might work – if it somehow stops him being an arsehole, Continue reading
The racist former leader of the racist UKIP party who built an electoral base campaigning on how everyone should be racist has spoken out about the racist violence in Charlottesville, asking how it’s possible that people could be so racist.
“Cannot believe we’re seeing Nazi salutes in 21st century America”, tweeted Farage yesterday. “How is it possible that people in today’s society, threatened as they are by Muslim PEDO DEATH CULTS, could get so racist? #idespair”.
Critics have been quick to point out that he has dedicated his entire political career to encouraging popular racism for his own selfish political ends, and that Farage condemning racism is about as plausible as a penis condemning urine.
“Nonsense,” insisted Farage at a press conference today, his authority only slightly diminished by his choice of vintage SS uniform and fake Hitler moustache.
“No-one has done more than me to condemn racism. Some of my best friends are Black, Asian and Muslim. Well, Bob is. And he’s a bit smelly, to be honest. Anyway, Heil me.”
Heartstrings apparently tangled around Alabammy
Anne Marie Morris, Conservative MP for Newton Abbot, has defended her actions after being caught dressing in a gollywog costume and singing a selection of Black and White Minstrels songs at an event while talking about Brexit.
Morris was appearing on a panel to talk about Brexit alongside Tory colleagues Bill Cash and John Redwood, who were dressed as the Indian one from It Ain’t Half Hot Mum, and Tonto, respectively.
Members of the public were shocked when five minutes into the discussion Morris whipped out a banjo and began singing ‘Mammy’. “I was shocked it took her that long,” explained one guest.
A Conservative source said that Theresa May was unaware of the remarks because she had been with the Australian Prime Minister laughing at Aboriginal people. A spokesperson for the PM insisted that Morris would not be expelled from the party, explaining that “racist Tory MPs all look the same to me”.
Shortly after realising she was in trouble, Morris made an effusive apology.
“It was completely unintentional, and I apologize unreservedly for any offence caused,” she explained, adding “Where am dat water melon?”
Filed under News, Politics
Sean Spicer & Nick Griffin, never seen in the same room
Sean Spicer’s less intelligent dodgy uncle look-alike, Nick Griffin, plans to inflict himself on the unsuspecting Hungarians later this year.
Griffin spoke in glowing terms of the growing ”nationalist emigre community” in Hungary, where he’ll move to later this year. He will continue to be politically active though, campaigning for less immigration and stronger national borders.
Laws of quantum physics were suspended yesterday, as Oxford English Dictionaries failed to fit this proposition into Einsteins general theory of relativity. Continue reading
Every picture of this poster has bl**dy Farage standing in front of it
UKIP has hailed the return of ‘traditional British values’ hate crimes.
In the sharp rise in hate crimes since the referendum, it sees an indicator that the country is already grinding inexorably back towards the 1950s.
“Obviously we’re a long way” said an unknown UKIP spokesman who was definitely not Nigel Farage “a long way away from seeing ‘No dogs or gypsies’ signs on pub doors again.”
“But Rome wasn’t built in a day. Continue reading
Job done, surely?
A sense of widespread confusion is growing across social media today as racism stubbornly persists in being a thing. Despite more than 400,000 Facebook users liking and sharing a picture of twelve year old Devonte Hart hugging Sgt. Bret Barnum during the riots in Ferguson, Missouri people the world over are continuing to be absolute dicks to each other based on skin tone and birth place. Continue reading
Handy guide for Police stop & search decisions
The Police Federation has rowed back on its welcome for the stop & search Code of Conduct, which at first they’d mistakenly taken to be a ‘colour code’.
“To say we’re disappointed would be an understatement” said spokesperson John Bigot
“We’d even had a batch of Dulux-type colour charts made for new officers, to take the guesswork out of their racism until they’re up to speed.”
A suspicion that a citizen might not have generations of English born ancestors, dating back to 1066, will no longer be sufficient to justify Continue reading
Oops – what a give away!
Following yet another unpleasant incident, UKIP leader Nigel Farage insisted today that UKIP is “trying really really hard to not look racist”, and people should be applauding the huge efforts the party is making in this area.
“People act as if not being racist is easy”, he complained to a party meeting of nice white people this morning. “Well, it’s not. How many of us can get through a morning without slagging off black or Asian people? I know I can’t.”
“It’s so unfair,” he continued, a dribble of spittle hanging from the gathering foam at his lips. “Many of us in UKIP hardly show we’re racist ever, and then there’s one incident like this where it slips out, and suddenly we’re the bad guys.” Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Look what door he’s stood in front of. Is this what’s coming next?
Danny Cohen, the BBC’s Director of Television, has said that the corporation doesn’t think Jeremy Clarkson is racist but confirms that he is awful.
“I am convinced that Jeremy Clarkson is not racist,” Cohen wrote in a letter to the Guardian, “but merely a bully who mocks anyone who isn’t experiencing the world from his bubble of privilege.” Continue reading
Nigel can see what’s happening on the streets of Britain, but do YOU have the same amazing vision?
Why not try Nigel’s “You Know the Difference” challenge, and see if you can spot the hidden difference between the nice German man and the Romanian! Nigel knows why he thinks they’re different, but he can’t say – not on the radio, anyway!
Do YOU know the difference???
You know you wouldn’t want one of them living next door to you, but can you spot the crucial reason why they’re so different?
Study these two men carefully, making sure to keep your mind nicely closed. Check your answer below!
If you can spot the difference – CONGRATULATIONS! You’re a UKIP candidate!
Next week: Join us again to play Spot the Difference between Nigel’s BRAIN and an ONION!
Answer: Of course there’s no fucking difference, you racist twat!
Filed under Europe, Politics
SHOCKING: Society no longer considers some words acceptable.
Scheduler Tony Jacobs, responsible for the BBC’s light entertainment output, has been sacked for accidentally mentioning the ‘n-word’, N*** Edmonds.
The n-word is considered the most offensive phrase to TV audiences, particularly those old enough to remember Mr Blobby.
“Our Saturday night schedule might be rather second rate at the moment, but that’s no excuse to start bandying about the n-word”, said acting chairman Diane Coyle.
“It’s degrading to our culture, it’s degrading to anyone who still buys a television licence. But most of all, it’s degrading to those who had to work with the c***.”
Fresh from making a formal complaint about Roy Hodgson telling a joke about a monkey, Chair of the Society of Black Lawyers, Peter Herbert, has now set his sights on the nation’s zoos, who he claims also use the term. The decorated civil rights lawyer is insisting that any reference to monkeys is removed from signs and promotional materials or he will make a complaint to the police.
“To think that in 2013 people still believe that this is acceptable language is unbelievable. Some of these zoos have signs and even adverts that have clear racial overtones which, in the multicultural society we live, is frankly unacceptable.” said Mr Herbert,
“London Zoo, which is one of the biggest zoos in the country and employs many ethnic minorities, has an attraction called ‘Meet the monkeys’. This sort of casual racism is astonishing and my organisation will be lodging a police complaint if this is not renamed immediately.” Continue reading
Although a blatant racist, Griffin claims to see both sides of the argument
Nick Griffin, leader of the British National Party, has said the news that Rio Ferdinand has retired from playing for England a victory for racists everywhere.
Ferdinand’s announcement comes after John Terry was picked for the last European championship ahead of him despite being due in court for racially abusing his brother, Anton. Although the court cleared Terry of the charges, the FA found him guilty and banned him accordingly.
“Rio’s decision is the right one, and shows the growing support for fascism in the footballing community” Griffin told reporters.
“I think we need to thank John Terry, the England fans accused of racially abusing him at a recent game and Paolo Di Canio for raising the profile of right-wing nut jobs in the game.”