Tag Archives: nigel farage

New UKIP leader vows to stay on until Christmas, “with a little bit of luck”

Phew, Bolton remembers to use his left arm when saluting the troops

Henry Bolton has seen off the challenge of better-known racists to become UKIP leader.

He says he’ll hang on until 2018 if at all possible and if his luck’s in, dashing hopes there’d be enough leaders within 12 months to form a five-a-side charity football team.

What do we know about Henry Bolton? Born in Kenya [are you sure? check this before publishing Ed.], Bolton moved to Britain to study but quickly realised other immigrants might want to compete Continue reading

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Farage: “We’d have been bigger arseholes without Carswell.” A puzzled Nation scratches its head

“Bigger arseholes? How would that have worked then?”

Nigel Farage, has set the UK a tough puzzle; “How could UKIP possibly have been bigger arseholes over the past few years?”

In the wake of Farage’s claim that UKIP could have been more anti-immigrant, but for the spoilsport Douglas Carswell, the Nation has expelled a massive “WTF?” “I’m a dab hand at crosswords and killer sudoku and once got two questions right on Brain of Britain,” said Continue reading

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Welcome break from complexities of Islamic terrorism provided by Nigel Farage being balls out awful

ukip-leader-nigel-farage

“Nationalism is an infantile thing. It is the measles of mankind” – Einstein

The something nasty in the nation’s woodshed, Nigel Farage, has united people across the political spectrum by being deeply unpleasant.

“The world seems more violent and confusing than ever,” said parish councillor, Nina O’Neill. “Thanks then to Nigel Farage for being entirely vile and bringing us all together with a rallying cry of ‘hark at this arsehole, can you believe what he’s just said?’” Continue reading

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UKIP members shocked to find Paul Nuttall is a scouser

nuttall

“this chap sounds like a footballer”

Thousands of horrified UKIP members only found out today, as they listened to Paul Nuttall gave his acceptance speech, that they’d voted for a scouser.

“My god, I thought he’d be another Nigel.” said Alec Fairchild, a UKIP member and pub bore from Harold. “Well-off, private school, a commodity broker in the city. But this chap sounded like a football player; or someone in a Channel 5 documentary about benefit cheats.”

“We’d already had a filly, for a couple of weeks,” explained Fairchild, warming to his task, Continue reading

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Narcissistic racist to apologise to US on “behalf of Britain” for its mockery of narcissistic racist

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Anyone else having trouble with the fact none of this is photoshop?

Cathedral roof gargoyle come to boorish life, Nigel Farage, has announced that he is going to the US to “meet all sorts of people and I shall say to them…please forgive some of the things that were said about your President during the election campaign because I’m just that important. Did you see those buses and that poster? That was me. I am shit-hot, ladies.” Continue reading

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After moaning about misspent EU cash, UKIP to repay misspent EU cash

farage

Farage tries to find out which clown had been in charge

“Just because I’ve gone on and on and on about the lack of EU audits,” says Nigel Farage “people I’ve accused of financial incompetence, or worse, have checked up on us and found we’re incompetent, or worse. It’s as if they don’t like me for some strange reason.”

Mr Farage said that he was angry to learn that UKIP had misspent EU funds on campaigning for Brexit.

Calling on the party to identify what sort of clown had been in charge during the campaign, he Continue reading

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Brexit Britain: watching Countryfile to be compulsory

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Him and Matt Baker run a fight club #FACT

Despite most Brits being obese city dwellers who wouldn’t know a badger if they found one in their kitchen whipping up a batch of parkin, Amber Rudd has announced that every citizen of Brexit Britain is now required to watch Countryfile. Continue reading

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Tyson Fury enters UKIP leadership race

tyson-fury2

FURY SAYS HE CAN COPE WITH ATTACKS FROM THE LEFT OR THE RIGHT

Celebrity racist and well-known misogynist, Tyson Fury, has signed up for the UKIP leadership race, claiming he has the firepower to despatch Mike ‘Right’ Hookem in the early rounds.

“Mike was impressive against barrister Steven Woolfe. What a ridiculous name by the way, with a name like Woolfe I thought he’d be a bit tasty but he went down like his name was Poodle.” Continue reading

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Farage technically still UKIP leader: online petition “to make the bastard stay on” tops one million

farage_braying

massive braying bellend

With Nigel Farage still in charge of UKIP, the party which made everyday racism acceptable again, a campaign forcing the massive braying bellend  to stay on has already gained huge support.

“We’d enough people signed up to trigger a parliamentary debate in the first hour.” said campaign organiser Alison Lee “If we reach ten million they’ll have to pass new laws, ensuring Farage not only stays as UKIP leader but also spends four hours in the stocks on College Green on weekends and alternate Wednesdays until further notice.” Continue reading

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“Have you tried writing lies on buses?” Farage campaigns for Trump

donald-trump-grow-up

O, thou scabrous reptile, thou cream-faced loon, thou pussy toad

2016 tightens its grip on the title of Most Batshit  Year There’s Been with the news that mendacious bigot, Nigel Farage, appeared at a rally with mendacious bigot, Donald Trump. Leaving many to wonder what they could possibly have in common.  Continue reading

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“UKIP asks ‘should we all be racists now?'”

Leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party (UKIP) Nigel Farage poses during a media launch for an EU referendum poster in London, Britain June 16, 2016. REUTERS/Stefan Wermuth

Every picture of this poster has bl**dy Farage standing in front of it

UKIP has hailed the return of ‘traditional British values’ hate crimes.

In the sharp rise in hate crimes since the referendum, it sees an indicator that the country is already grinding inexorably back towards the 1950s.

“Obviously we’re a long way” said an unknown UKIP spokesman who was definitely not Nigel Farage “a long way away from seeing ‘No dogs or gypsies’ signs on pub doors again.”

“But Rome wasn’t built in a day. Continue reading

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Farage demands element Eu be removed from periodic table

EuThe Brexit vote means element Eu must be removed from the periodic table in Britain, according to Nigel Farage.

“The people have spoken and the 63rd element Eu must go. There is already substantial pressure building up, with new elements such as 115, 116 and 117 entering the periodic table without any attempt whatsoever to stop them at the border.”

“The problem is there could be no end to these additions, leading to overcrowding and instability. We need to ensure the periodic table is primarily reserved for British elements, such as H and O, and whatever beer is made of” said Farage.
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Farage still here

Farage_lets_go

OK, you first.

The country has reacted with bitter disappointment this morning to discover on waking that Nigel Farage is for some reason still in existence.

“Leaving Europe will bugger up our country for generations,” explained Evening Harold business editor Piers Waghorn, “But if there was one faint silver lining to this massive turd cloud it was that Farage should logically cease to be.”

“What’s he thinking? Why does he still exist? By now he should be a bad memory, not a living breathing arsepipe.”

The millions who voted to Leave the EU have also all expressed disappointment, explaining that the only reason they did it was to get rid of Farage once and for all.

“We realise the country will sink into recession and England is now the most despised nation on Earth,” admitted a spokesperson for the 52%.

“But it seemed worth it on the assumption that UKIP would disappear. We feel cheated.”

However, speaking to journalists, Farage insisted that his work was far from complete.

“On one level, I’ve ruined the country, it’s true. But there’s so much more to do. Have you got a swimming pool? Well do you go to one? Good, I’m going to piss in it. Then I’ll let down your tyres. Then I’m off to Tesco’s to touch all the fruit.”

“With my cock.”

“An arsehole’s work is never done!”

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‘You voted for this shit, you deal with it’ Cameron tells Britain

See *that* exit? I'm going through it asap

See *that* exit? I’m going through it asap

David Cameron has told Britain that somebody else can deal with all of the shit that will come from leaving the EU, because he is not having it.

“Every economic forecaster said what would happen in the event of a vote to Leave, but you chose to believe Nigel Farage instead.” said Cameron, already packing his Margaret Thatcher memorabilia into a cardboard box.

“Falling stocks, a nosedive for the pound, early warnings of job losses from business, but that’s ok apparently, because you were made vague promises about immigration and the NHS. Well you can deal with it your fucking selves.”

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Shock as Boris Johnson calls for an amnesty for long-term Ukip supporters

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It’s a nice idea but how can people like this integrate into normal society?

Disastrous attempt to breed a golden retriever that could hold down a very simple job, Boris Johnson, was heckled at a Leave rally earlier today when he proposed an amnesty for long-term Ukip supporters. Continue reading

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Wombles to lose Wimbledon Common access under Brexit

The Wombles

Bloody foreigners, coming over here taking our litter and tidying our commons….

Nigel Farage is insisting that under Brexit the UK’s favourite mostly immigrant litter-picking team will lose access to their Wimbledon Common home.

“This is a furry swarm of unskilled economic migrants who’ve arrived uninvited in this country and have made no effort to integrate with British society,” Farage said. “They’ve come from as far away as China and the Amazon basin to take advantage of our benefits system and our way of life. Especially the part where decent Brits enjoy covering their country in rubbish which is our right and one we fought WWII to uphold.” Continue reading

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Farage on Brexit “we’ll lose the bad stuff & keep all the good bits, we’re not mad.”

pub_landlord_farage

Trust me, I was a commodities trader

UKIP’s leader has clarified that, after a Leave vote, all the good things about the EU will carry on because it’s only the bad things that will disappear.

“May I give you an analogy?” roared Farage, adding, without a pause “It’s like a divorce. The jilted one won’t shred the contents of their partner’s wardrobe and scatter the smoking remnants in the front garden. Or leave his classic vinyl collection in the microwave.” Continue reading

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New theme park ‘En-Ger-Land’ may open in 2020

farage_braying

“En-Ger-Land, En-Ger-Land, En-Ger-Land… oh and Scotland too”

En-Ger-Land, a fantasy theme park which could encompass the entire country by 2020, may undermine prospects for a UK version of ‘Disneyland’ due to open in Kent the following year.

A company spokesperson, Mr Farage, explained how, if the shareholders give the go-ahead on 23rd June, he will start work the next day. “We’ll be rolling out traditional village pubs across the country; with jolly landlords reminiscing about a better time when no one was black or gay Continue reading

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Pro-EU UKIPpers “gagged” in run-up to referendum, say sources

farage_braying

Is there something worrying lurking beneath something worrying?

“UKIP claims their members are one in purpose” says Newsnight’s Emily Maitlis “but it beggars belief that they all think the same on a matter as important as the EU referendum”.

A BBC Newsnight investigation, to be screened on Wednesday, reveals a likely conspiracy amongst leading members of UKIP. While other parties allow their parliamentary party free rein to support the “In” and “Out” campaigns according to their conscience, Maitlis notes that “UKIPs MP remains suspiciously unanimous in his support for leaving the EU”. Continue reading

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Car-crash Farage to play clumsy Inspector Clouseau

fareau

Papers please!

As details of an assassination attempt on Nigel Farage become clear, the hapless UKIP leader is being touted as the new Inspector Clouseau.

During an interview on Good Morning Britain to explain his belief that he is under constant attack, Farage leapt behind the sofa, thrashed about screaming for a few minutes, then emerged, claiming he’d had to fight off a Bulgarian assassin.

“Phew, that was a close one,” he exclaimed to a bewildered Susanna Reid, who’d just asked if he might be exaggerating the seriousness of his car crash. Continue reading

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