Atos will now spend its time smoking fags in front of a big telly.
Atos, a wheezing, fat company that scrounges cash from the government, has declared itself unfit for work.
The decision came after the firm failed to find its arse with both hands, and sweated to the point of passing out when asked to walk past a big pile of money.
“Atos has never really been capable of doing a great job”, admitted its employer Ian Duncan Smith. “But to be fair, that’s never really stopped me.”
Ian Duncan Smith insists Universal Credit wouldn’t pour money into a black hole.
The government’s much-maligned Universal Credit reforms have again faced stinging criticism, this time from the gaseous creatures of Earth’s closest neighbouring star system.
Keen to avoid another u-turn, Ian Duncan Smith wants to keep the name ‘universal’ while making sure as few people as possible are eligible to claim.
In a compromise thrashed out with the Lib Dems, the benefit will be opened up to all known galaxies, but only to sentient beings that have lived in the UK for more than two years and that can speak English, Latin and Plutonian.
The hounds have been trained to follow the scent of stress and marginalisation.
In a surprise move the government today formally legalised the hunting of Job Seeker’s Allowance claimants with dogs.
“It’s a practical measure in this time of austerity,” David Cameron told the press. “Yes, hunting foxes with dogs was made illegal in 2004 but let’s be honest that didn’t exactly put an end to the practice, now did it? So the hunts are there, the claimants are there, all we’re doing is putting the two together in a mutually beneficial arrangement that will cost the decent hard-working tax payer very little.” Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
The wax-Miliband on the high street appears to be about to speak but would anyone remember what it said?
Concerned villagers in Harold have erected wax and cardboard images of Ed Miliband to try and create a sense that the UK does have an active Opposition.
‘It’s all IDS this, Osborne that, and Cameron everywhere you look,’ complained Julie Kettle as she tried to clean the cardboard-Miliband outside The Squirrel Licker’s Arms. ‘Where’s the Leader of the Opposition? It’s scary. I feel like we’re living in a one party-state and it’s a crap party without any crisps or jelly. So we’re putting Milibands around the village to make it seem like he’s actually doing something and engaging with real people.’ Continue reading