Oops, wrong one. Well they all look the same, don’t they.
Comedy and Tragedy were blended together today in the Tory soup-maker to produce the finest ironic Brexit Smoothie yet.
Franco-Dutch firm Foux da fa fa et un homme qui s’appelle Lars have been awarded the contract to print the UK’s new non-EU passport, after Jacob Rees-Mogg said the existing Gateshead firm De La Rue ‘sounded a bit French’.
“The writing was on the wall,” he said. “Well, on a brass plate on the wall, anyway.”
Brexiteers’ heads have been exploding as they grapple between the desire to keep foreign hands off sovereign matters and the freedom to trade where we want. Continue reading
At least it distracts us all from the fact we’ve broken the planet
Harold is divided this evening as a small group of villagers have declared that they’re not massively absorbed by the ongoing row in France over women wearing burkinis.
“Of course it’s horrible that some women have been hassled and humiliated by the police,” said local mechanic Sean Pavey. “But I just don’t feel the need to tweet and post about it constantly. Doesn’t mean I’m not bothered just means I’m not that bothered. And I think that that should be okay.” Continue reading
Angry French protesters, yesterday
The French Academy, guardian of all things cultural in France, has provoked a huge wave of protests throughout the country after announcing that outrageous French stereotypes will be banned.
For hundreds of years, non-French people have struggled with the problem of when to ride on an old-fashioned bicycle festooned with onions, and when to smoke an insouciant cigarette in a pavement café discussing experimental cinema, and the Academy has decided that modernisation is unavoidable.
“For zee last few ‘undred years, we ‘ave been, ‘ow you say, reediculed by zee Eenglish for zee vary French way we do zee theengs,” explained a spokeshomme from the Academy.
“In fact, we don’t even realise we’re doing it. I was putting on a silly accent right there, just through force of habit. Buggeure.”
The sandcastle didn’t provide enough protection, so they decided to surrender
Francois Hollande has stepped down as President with immediate effect after France surrendered unconditionally to a cross-channel swimmer.
Andrew Smith, from Basingstoke, completed the swim to raise money for charity and was stunned to be confronted by the entire French military, waving white flags, when he arrived just outside Calais. Continue reading
France hasn’t bought Nigel so much as a drink.
Nigel Farage has unveiled his party’s economic policy, and within it, plans to make the French pay our taxes.
In a move which would shift the financial burden from working class, middle class and upper class Brits, UKIP will instead tax someone else entirely.
“I’m sure we’ve all heard of the French”, said Farage. “And what the people on the streets are telling me, is that a lot of the French aren’t currently paying any tax at all in the UK.”
“They’re just idling away in their own country, and refusing to fill in British tax returns. That’s typical of them, and so many others in Federal Europe.”
The European Court of Human Rights has upheld France’s ban on women wearing a veil or other full far covering for religious reasons, but say you can still cover your face for rioting reasons.
“Although they may wish to cover up for their religious beliefs and for their personal views on modesty, it is a more important human right that the far-right in France can see the Muslim they are hating,” the judge at the court said.
“However if these women still insist on covering up, then they need to join the likes of the EDL, Golden Dawn, and France’s National Front and exercise their right to don a full face balaclava to avoid being identified when setting fire to a mosque.”
Knob-jockey (now official)
A change in French law means it has now become legal to insult the French president, giant bell-end Francois Hollande.
Parliament agreed on Thursday to amend legislation dating back to 1881 in favour of freedom of speech. Previously, anyone tempted to offend the huge ringpiece of a President risked a fine, but now it is completely legal to refer to the head of state as “cockpiece”, “arsegargle” or “turdroller”.