Tag Archives: Evening Harold

PM sorry if her Blacks Go Home policy was ‘somehow misunderstood’

‘Get out, get out, get out! How about a trade deal?

Theresa May has apologised to the heads of Caribbean countries because, for some weird reason, Home Office officials have implemented the policies of the last Home Secretary.

Mrs May was speaking at a meeting she’d been unable to squeeze into her schedule before an unfavourable Daily Mail editorial. “Let me be completely clear about this” began the PM, prompting officials to shuffle their feet and Amber Rudd to start up a dry-ice machine Continue reading

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After years of missed NHS standards, Jeremy Hunt is referred to parliamentary standards commissioner for not filling in a form

I’m a liar. I know it, you know it, you know that I know it. Fuck only knows how I get away with it, it’s a mystery.

Serial bungler Jeremy Hunt is finally being called to account by parliament. For his form-filling skills though, oddly enough.

Not for crashing the NHS into a wall, then backing up a hundred yards and having another go, then backing up a hundred yards and – well you probably get the picture.

“Compared to the ongoing NHS car-crash, even his marmalade work was brilliant. And that was a fucking disaster.” said a philosophical Harold woman, unlucky enough to have fallen seriously ill in March, who is still in the waiting room at Dunstable Royal Infirmary.

“I’ve bought a raffle ticket for a trolley berth and hope to get a corridor spot by the summer. Fingers crossed!”

“It’s good to know that Mr Hunt’s form-filling is coming under scrutiny though. It’s important that politicians know they can’t get away with being incompetent liars.”

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Police cuts aren’t linked to rising crime so Amber Rudd gives up her own security officers

“The less I know, the better I like it. Don’t bother me with facts.”

“I was sitting at my desk with my fingers in my ears and my eyes shut as usual, when I had an epiphany” said the Home Secretary today. “Like when I decided to have rich parents, it was a no-brainer. With no link between police numbers and crime it didn’t make sense for me to have armed officers ‘protecting me’ 24/7, so I asked Cressida Dick to move them to other duties. The Downing Street coppers are going next week and traffic police by the end of June.”

Rudd has a no-nonsense approach to work, born out of her down-with-the-kids schooling at Cheltenham Ladies’ College. Although she went on to read History at University, Rudd believes learning from the experience of others is futile. “No, I much prefer to learn from my own foolish Continue reading

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Pardew says he ‘would consider’ underperforming with another new club

What are your chances of managerial success, Alan?

Perennial managerial failure and Babel Fish in human form, Alan Pardew, believes his work with West Bromwich Albion is complete, so he’s prepared to think about sending another team plummeting into the Championship next season.

“I’ve done all that I can to ensure the Baggies go down so, with nothing left to do here it’s time I moved on to find another club looking to get into the Championship.”

“Admittedly most of those clubs will be in League One at the moment but I’ve always approached things from another perspective. My dream is to take a Premier League club all the way to League Two but very few clubs have the vision to see that through”

“I’m looking for a team, battered by their current useless manager and thus with low expectations.” said Pardew “So it’s either West Ham or, if they still remember me from the last time I was there, it’ll have to be Everton.”

“Have I been there yet?”

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Airwick launches Airwick Skunk, to give ‘calming ambience’ for pet owners

“I at first replied, when a loving flame dies, smoke gets in your eyes”

Following successful trials of its various pet-calming vapours, Airwick has launched ‘Airwick Skunk’, which provides a broadly similar, soporific effect for the pets’ owners.

“You’re my best mate, man.” insisted Harold stoner Adam Cassidy yesterday, before adding “No, really. Are these your chips, can we order a pizza?”

The calming effect of Lavender, Jasmine, Cinnamon and Rosemary are already well-established in the Mumsnet, Yoga and Pilates communities but a good toke on some serious weed has often been overlooked in recent years, not least Continue reading

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Owen Smith sacked for having idea that makes Labour electable

Owen Smith: if he was serious about Brexit he’d have something written on the side of a bus

Jeremy Corbyn last night sacked Owen Smith from the Shadow Cabinet for suggesting an idea that could win Labour votes.

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Information Commissioner to launch surprise raid at Cambridge Analytica ‘by the weekend’, to forestall any evidence tampering

We believe in transparency. See this box?

The UK’s Information Commissioner is to apply for a warrant “pretty darned soon”, so her team can search Cambridge Analytica’s offices before staff there even suspect they’re coming.

“Secrecy here is the key,” said Commissioner Elizabeth Denham, speaking live on BBC, Sky and ITV throughout the day “so I’m trusting you to keep this under wraps Continue reading

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PM: Conservative land-banking policy is ‘completely different’ from Labour land-banking policy

“I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.” [did I say that out loud?]

Theresa May has confirmed that her government’s innovative plan to force property developers to develop property is nothing like Labour’s discredited socialist plan to force property developers to develop property.

“Nothing has changed, nothing has changed.” insisted the PM, before being re-booted by her adviser.

“Labour’s ridiculous out-of-touch plans, which we cut and pasted into our strategy document yesterday, bore no resemblance to our shiny new Continue reading

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Filed under Housing, News

Cancer running scared as Stephen Fry is in process of kicking its arse

Sloopy twist.

Cancer today announced that it is running scared yet again as Stephen Fry has got it on the ropes and is now in recovery following surgery for prostate cancer. Continue reading

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UK astonished that the Daily Mail has been lying about Jeremy Corbyn

Next week we’re going with him personally sinking the Belgrano

Paul Dacre, who edits the Daily Mail and pretends to be a journalist, is trying to make up for all the lies he didn’t tell about Jeremy Corbyn in the 2017 election campaign.

“I’ve had to learn to forgive myself.” said a tearful Dacre “So many chances to commission a hatchet job so mendacious it would see a trainee hack kicked off any decent course.”

“If I’d thought he was going to popular with voters I’d have taken one or two more LSD tabs for inspiration Continue reading

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Theresa May on tuition fees ‘We must find who’s to blame’

Hoping for divine inspiration on who to blame [use the mirror, Theresa]

The Prime Minister has called for whoever is to blame for eye-watering University tuition fees to be brought to book, named and shamed.

“Our tuition fees are amongst the highest in the world and someone must be responsible.” said a woman who voted through every single one of  the austerity measure of the idiot Continue reading

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UK shocked to learn that KFC contains any actual chicken

No warning that it might contain chicken

As deep-fried breadcrumb retailers KFC closed a number of shops, having run out of chicken, the UK public asked “Hold on, are you saying there’s chicken in KFC?”

Local vegetarian Pippa Delaney says she was shocked to find the popular fast-food snack might contain meat, as she has at times eaten KFC at Motorway service stops, whilst her electric car Continue reading

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Trump slams mentally ill for not condemning ‘mentally ill’ gunman

“Psychopaths, we need to hear from you too.” says the President

Using his well-known medical superpowers, Donald Trump has diagnosed the perpetrator of the Parkland shooting as being white and thus mentally ill.

From there, the President swiftly moved on to criticise other mentally ill people for not appearing in front of a battery of hundreds of cameras, on nationwide TV, to condemn the slaughter “committed by one of their Continue reading

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Village chubber ‘shocked’ to find that cakes and crisps might be unhealthy

We all love a cake but maybe no more than two or three a day

A villager is shocked by finding that a diet of cake, crisps, and chicken nuggets, washed down with full-sugar cola, has been linked to an increased risk of cancer.

“I feel a bit let down, to be frank.” said William McKean, Harold’s fattest man and star of the documentary Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog. “I was happy to risk heart attack, stroke, diabetes, amputation, and breathlessness, but other than that I was pretty sure Continue reading

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Oxfam thinking about including ‘Don’t shag the victims’ in staff handbook

Just a few pounds a week will buy a man or woman

Oxfam Directors are meeting to decide whether to ban staff from looting abandoned houses and buying sex from earthquake victims they’re supposed to be helping.

“It’s a tough one, that’s for sure,” said an Oxfam spokeswoman “as we like our staff on the ground to use their initiative. But on balance, we probably should draw a line somewhere, even if only to give us a clear brand identity, distinct from local gangs, militia and the Continue reading

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Man, who only ever gives to Lotto, ‘won’t give to Oxfam now.’

Sorting it out themselves could have been like a team-building day

A man who rarely puts his hand is his pocket, even if it’s his round, has vowed that after their prostitute scandal, he’ll not give to Oxfam.

“I never have done, funnily enough, which I feel justified about now, but I might have done.” said Alec Fairchild “So perhaps they should think through what this scandal has cost them.”

“I’ll stick to Lotto.” said Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold. “You know where your money’s going with Lotto. Not just Directors’ bonuses. Lots of good causes which government won’t pay for because people like me don’t want to pay taxes to fund no end of things such as cancer research Continue reading

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Brexit: Willo the Wisp to replace Will O’the People to cheer everyone up

As the UK political climate continues to be as relentlessly grim as that episode of Sesame Street which begins with Bert finally snapping and ends with him turning the gun on himself it has been announced that the very real Willo the Wisp will replace the entirely mythical will of the people in all future Brexit discourse. Continue reading

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Jeremy Hunt still not sacked: country suspects he has ‘photos’ of Theresa May

‘What’s my name? No, don’t tell me, I think I’ve got this one.’

As the hapless Health Secretary remains in post after yet another disastrous set of NHS stats, even Daily Mail readers are starting to suspect that he has some incriminating photos of Theresa May tucked away somewhere safe. Somewhere he’s never, ever been seen.

“Our best bet is that they’re hidden in a storeroom with a ‘How to make the NHS work better’ sign on the door.” Said Harold GP Dr Clive Evans “In a filing cabinet marked ‘Staff’, stowed inside training notes from a seminar on ‘Motivational Management: how to build a motivated staff Continue reading

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Men: ‘It’s been a hundred years now, can you stop banging on about equality’

THREE women on Breakfast TV at the same time? This way madness lies

Men who seldom vote other than on X Factor have said ‘what everyone else is thinking’ which is that we’ve all had enough of women moaning about equality. Apparently.

Broadcast media, newspapers, and the Daily Mail have marked the centenary of some women getting the vote by using mostly women presenters and journalists, highlighting the lack of equality on the other 36,500 days since, give or take Continue reading

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Jacob Rees-Mogg gate ‘man in white shirt’ hit woman to prevent violence

Worried violence might break out too late for him to get involved

The ‘man in the white shirt’ who hit a woman protester at a Jacob Rees-Mogg speech says he stepped in to protect the MP due to a lack of security.

The man said his reaction was prompted by a lack of security and that he feared for an attack on Mr Rees-Mogg in the wake of Jo Cox’s murder.

”Jo Cox was uppermost in my mind, so an uppercut to a woman seemed like the right response. Sadly I only managed a rather clumsy Continue reading

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