Tag Archives: Evening Harold

Ivanka: “Gender no barrier to my life as billionaire’s heir”

A moment of self doubt? No, just thinking about shoes

Ivanka Trump says her father is essentially a feminist, a keen supporter of women’s rights.

“I grew up in a house where there were no barriers to what I could accomplish as a billionaire’s daughter.”

Speaking without apparent irony on women’s entrepreneurship, Ms Trump said she stayed a whole year at her first job after school, before being lucky enough to land a post with the Trump Organization.

“You’ve got to make your own luck in business, because nobody’s going to hand you success on a plate.” Continue reading

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Tony Blair may face prosecution over threat to return to front line politics

He could be deployed at a press conference within 45 minutes

Tony Blair has been interviewed under caution on suspicion of causing harassment, alarm or distress to Radio 4 listeners who, over the weekend, heard him suggest he might return to front line politics.

“The Public OrderAct covers a wide range of anti-social behaviour.” said the Met’s new Commissioner, Cressida Dick. “True, the Act doesn’t actually specify what those behaviours are, however, I can’t think of anything more alarming than the threat of Blair gurning his way into our lives on radio and TV again, with his mock humility and  those weird Continue reading

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Labour maverick doesn’t play by the rules but gets the job done: Dirty Jerry

But you’ve gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya punk?

Labour’s new look Jeremy Corbyn is a steely-eyed man; he’s seen his share of trouble but takes no shit. From anyone.

In a departure from his previous gentle style, Corbyn challenged a shadow cabinet rebel today, in forthright terms. “I know what you’re thinking. ‘Did he fire six colleagues or only five?’ Well to tell you the truth in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself. But you’ve gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky? Continue reading

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Politicians call on politicians to stop playing politics over politics

Everyone: “Just stop it, all of you.”

Senior politicians from all parties have demanded that politicians from other parties stop playing politics in the run up to the General Election.

At Prime Ministers question time today, Theresa May told the House that calling the election was essential as “too many Westminster MP’s had deliberately made political points about the details of Brexit”.

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McLaren F1 to fit pedals before next Grand Prix

At some races, Alonso has resorted to hailing a cab

With Fernando Alonso complaining last weekend that he’s never raced with less power, McLaren are to swap their Honda engines for pedal power, coupled to a Shimano 16-speed gearset.

“We’re keeping the energy recovery battery set-up though,” said McLaren test driver Jenson Button “as that’s always given more power than Honda’s engine ever did.”

The semi-retired former world champion explained that his high-profile winter triathlon training was in fact a ruse, Continue reading

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Sitting on a sofa in his underpants, online gambler thinks he’s James Bond

Do you take Tesco Clubcard points?

Harold’s fattest man says losing his wages to an algorithm is pretty much the same as living the dream of casinos, fast cars, and Vodka Martinis; whatever they are.

Billy Mckean, star of the harrowing documentary ‘Help, my liver’s the size of a dog’, says that his ‘undercover job’ as a Tesco Express security guard gives him insight into the superficially different worlds of a criminal mastermind breaking the bank at Casino de Monte Carlo and Darren, from Continue reading

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Trump insists on riding hippogriff across London during state visit

You think he’d more of a Dementor person really

Donald Trump has released a list of demands to be met when he arrives in the UK in October with the chief among them being that he gets to ride a hippogriff and land with it on the roof of Buckingham Palace. Continue reading

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Sun’s equal op’s policy sees Kelvin MacKenzie offend every Everton fan

Kelvin MacKenzie, what’s not to like?

The thing you trod in but can’t scrape off your boots however hard you try in human form, Kelvin MacKenzie, has applied the Sun’s equal op’s policy and compared Everton’s Ross Barclay, who has Nigerian heritage, to a gorilla at a zoo.

MacKenzie had been worried that there might yet be some in the city of Liverpool who he hadn’t offended by printing a series of lies about the Hillsborough disaster.

“You know, idiots or those who are both  blind and deaf. Maybe someone with severe dementia or in a persistent vegetative Continue reading

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An ode in celebration of Southern rail boss Charles Horton being awarded a near 100% pay rise

This Southern train appears to be in motion, must be a fake photograph

This is the Southern rail crossing the border,
Bringing Charles the cheque and the postal order,

Money for him, nothing for the poor
commuters who stand pressed ‘gainst the toilet door…

Shareholder thanks, letters from banks,
Isn’t Charles a talented boy?
Stacks of cash and invitations
To accept a knighthood or with the PM libations,
Shred the breach of safety situations, Continue reading

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Daily Mail demands cut-price summer BBQs, as well as holidays

There’s a big demand for these chops so you can have one at half-price

Well-known free market critic, the Daily Mail, has called on the government to cap the cost of BBQs in warm weather.

Inspired by the story of Jon Platt, who rejects the laws of supply and demand when they increase his holiday costs, the Mail is expanding its campaign for discount-price holidays during peak periods, to include other seasonal goods and services.

“Retailers ‘somehow’ manage to sell a Weber Genesis E330 BBQ for £700 in January” whined Sarah Vine, who used to be a journalist, “but barely three months later, the sun comes out and they’re all ‘It’s £1,599 take it or leave it’. It must be Jeremy Corbyn’s Continue reading

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Neil Hamilton swears hypocritic oath

Neil Hamilton is just as honest as he looks

Former Tory, liar and bankrupt, Neil Hamilton, has accused Mark Reckless of being untrustworthy, in the latest round of Abandon SinkingShip-gate.

The disgraced former MP, who left the Tories and is now UKIP leader in Wales, proving that the biggest turds float to the top, has criticised Reckless for leaving UKIP and aligning himself with the Tories.

Reckless had “betrayed the trust” of UKIP supporters said Hamilton, without a trace of irony, or even a knowing wink Continue reading

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New Pepsi ad to feature Ken Livingstone

“This reminds me of a story about Hitler”

Following widespread condemnation of its controversial new advert, Pepsi has bowed to pressure and replaced the ad with one featuring Ken Livingstone.

The cancelled ad featured Kendall Jenner at a protest, and offended many by suggesting that the problem of police brutality could be solved by attractive models waving cans of fizzy drink.

The video has been removed from YouTube and in a statement, the company said: “Pepsi was trying to project a global a message of unity, peace and understanding.”

“Clearly, we missed the mark, and that’s why we’re going to replace it with two minutes of Ken Livingstone talking about Hitler.”

“He’s going to imply that Germany’s Jews and Hitler were on the same side in the 30s, while sipping a refreshing ice-cold Pepsi Max.”

“You can’t get much more unity, peace and understanding than Ken Livingstone, and for payment all he wanted was a WWII German infantry helmet filled with newts.”

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Ken Livingstone still banging on about Hitler

[Hold it in, you can do it … no use … too strong … aagh] “HITLER”

Ken Livingstone used the last hours before learning if banging on about Hitler and the Jews would lead to his expulsion from Labour, to bang on about Hitler.

Offered the chance to talk about Brexit, Arsene Wenger’s future at Arsenal, and the Cadburygate scandal, the loveable newt-botherer elected to keep on digging his way downwards, out of the hole in which he’d found himself. Continue reading

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Spain is ‘quite OK’ with hints of military action over Gibraltar, says Howard

Only *something* of the night?

Former Tory leader, Lord Howard has made the world just a little darker (again), by referencing the Falklands war when discussing Gibraltar, but he’s certain the Spanish won’t be offended at all.

“No, it’s fine, trust me. It won’t mean anything to Spain, as they’ve no links to Argentina.” said Howard “Apart from a shared heritage and culture. Oh, and the language, Spanish is it?”

“Most Spaniards won’t have even heard of the Falklands,” Continue reading

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Filed under Defence, idiots, War

Primary teachers amazed that 7 year-olds’ Sats are “a waste of time”

Policies no longer written in indelible ink.

The government’s latest policy U turn, on testing kids who struggle to fasten their shirt buttons, has come as a shock to teachers, who thought it was all going swimmingly.

“Sats are great” affirmed Harold teaching assistant, Carly Jeffery “they don’t cause stress for schools, staff, children or parents, so I’m wary of dropping them without evidence. But clearly the DfE knows what it’s doing.” Continue reading

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Trump signs order reversing Obama’s cellphone contract

Normally charges for autographs, invoice to follow

Donald Trump today held a “historic press conference” as he signed an executive order reversing Barrack Obama’s Verizon cellphone contract set up in October 2016.

Addressing the US media Trump said that Obama’s contract was hugely expensive and accused the former president of using his cellphone to listen to telephone communications of many US leading figures, until it was pointed out by CNN that this was how telephones usually work. Continue reading

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“I’ll represent wealthy old Tories in Brexit negotiations” vows PM

“Execute Order 66…er…I mean Article 50.”

At 12:30 this afternoon Theresa May will stand in the House of Commons and read a statement formally beginning the start of Brexit and her tireless work on behalf of rich and elderly Conservative voters. Continue reading

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Farage: “We’d have been bigger arseholes without Carswell.” A puzzled Nation scratches its head

“Bigger arseholes? How would that have worked then?”

Nigel Farage, has set the UK a tough puzzle; “How could UKIP possibly have been bigger arseholes over the past few years?”

In the wake of Farage’s claim that UKIP could have been more anti-immigrant, but for the spoilsport Douglas Carswell, the Nation has expelled a massive “WTF?” “I’m a dab hand at crosswords and killer sudoku and once got two questions right on Brain of Britain,” said Continue reading

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Clacton’s outrage as Carswell leaves UKIP: “meh”

Carswell leaving leaves UKIP a few nuts short of a fruitcake

Clacton’s worryingly weird MP, Douglas Carswell, a highly principled man who changes party more often than most people do their socks, has abandoned a sinking ship and left UKIP. Which is what Clacton deserves, you’re probably thinking.

“I won’t switch parties, or cross the floor, “said Carswell, who will just stay on as MP for Clacton, without bothering the voters again. “It’s not big money as an MP but more than I’d get elsewhere realistically, so it was a no-brainer.”

“I’ll sit as an independent now,” he explained, before adding “not with all UKIP’s other MPs. Oh no, they haven’t got any …” Continue reading

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Trolls defy terrorists and carry on posting bullshit as normal

Internet trolls are congratulating themselves for keeping calm and carrying on as they spend today spreading hate and misinformation just as they do every day.

“The Prime Minister said to carry on as normal,” said local vile person, Tim Trotman. “So I am because I am not afraid of terrorists and I’m proving this by repeatedly calling everyone whose views are different from mine a libtard snowflake cuck. No need to thank me or call me brave, I’m just one honest Englishman fighting the good fight.” Continue reading

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