Tag Archives: Evening Harold

1922 Committee receives 66 million letters of no confidence in Theresa May

Crowd queuing politely to deliver their letters of no confidence

Sir Graham Brady, the chair of the Conservative party’s influential “1922 Committee”, has confirmed that he has received over 66 million letters of no confidence in the Prime Minister – well above the 48 needed to trigger a leadership vote.

“The letters had been trickling in from unhappy backbenchers and the entire cabinet,” confirmed Sir Graham, “But it’s really taken off in the last day or so.”

“It’s almost as if every single man, woman and child in the country thinks that Theresa May is a total fucking disaster.”

“In fact, it looked like there was only one person in the UK who didn’t write, until just now, when I’ve noticed we have a further disgusted letter, from a T. May, of Downing Street, W1.”

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Coca-Cola Christmas insulin truck to tour diabetes hotspots

Type 2 diabetes sufferers around the UK are waiting eagerly for the traditional Coca-Cola festive truck, which tours the country each Christmas season handing out free cola and insulin pens to the needy.

Type 1 diabetes has a strong family link, cannot be prevented and has nothing to do with lifestyle. The type 2 variant, however, is more prevalent in overweight people with high blood pressure, insufficient physical activity and a poor, sugary diet.

“Those are our people!” explained Coca-Cola UK chief executive Ron Cavity. “And it fills me with Christmas joy that this year we’ll be going round the country giving out sugary drinks and treatment to stabilise skyrocketing blood glucose levels.”

“Not many people know this, but the original Saint Nicholas weighed over 24 stone, had blood pressure up the wazoo and liked nothing better than a refreshing glass of carbonated water with high-fructose corn syrup, caffeine and phosphoric acid. Not forgetting caramel colour (E150d) of course! Ho Ho Ho!”

Cola fans of all ages are expected to line the streets in expectation, from the youngest only-slightly-overweight schoolboy to the oldest blindest double amputee.

Critics complaining that the whole exercise is a shameless marketing stunt were left mollified after it was pointed out that a good amount of what the average family would spend on cola over the year would be recouped in cancelled payments to the tooth fairy.

“You can’t put rot under your pillow!” explained one expert.

 

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‘Bleeding’ vegan burger will come with suspiciously authentic scabs

A new plant-based burger that realistically “bleeds” will come fitted with remarkably tasty mock scabs, it was revealed today.

The “Beyond Burger”, which is to make its hotly-anticipated UK retail debut in Tesco on Monday, is entirely meat-free, but will ooze with authentic-looking “blood” made from beetroot juice.

The faux-beef is believed to be very realistic, but true meat lovers had expressed concern that while the feeling of warm red juice blood dripping down your chin might be fine and dandy, the real bloody experience would be incomplete without some good old fashioned scabbing to pick off and enjoy between courses.

From their high-security 100% vegan laboratory and abattoir, the inventors of the burger were reluctant to delve into the more gristly aspects of their entirely plant-derived product.

“These burgers are a miracle of modern vegan engineering,” insisted Chief Executive Matt Butcher, in a press conference with his business partner S. W. Eenytodd.

“Of course, we can’t go into exactly how the vegetable protein is reconfigured into the convincingly plausible meaty lumps, but customers should rest assured that the occasional presence of a finger nail or apparently human anus is just part of our patent plant refining system.”

“Any of our vegan customers who have any doubts about the process are more than welcome to bring their concerns to our warehouse floor, where they will be swiftly processed.”

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Light rain plays havoc with my bone spur, insists Trump

For God’s sake keep the rain off it, boys!

President Trump has revealed that he was unable to appear at the commemoration in France for US soldiers killed during World War I because the forecast light drizzle would have caused serious complications with his bone spurs.

The bone spur, which tragically prevented the President from serving in Vietnam, is a serious medical condition affecting an unfortunate minority of Americans who can afford to pay for it.

In this case, highly-paid doctors believe that the possibility of scattered rain coming into proximity with the spur would have almost certainly caused instant death, and therefore the President was quite right not to attend, and it’s certainly NOTHING to do with the embarrassing thing which happens to his wig when it gets wet.

France’s president, Emmanuel Macron, and Germany’s chancellor, Angela Merkel, clasped hands at a solemn ceremony at Compiègne as they marked the centenary of the armistice signing.

It was the first time since the war that leaders from the two countries had met at the site where the ceasefire agreement with Germany was signed.

Mr Trump is believed to have commemorated the event by sitting alone in his hotel room eating pizza.

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Trump recalls ‘Aretha Franklin’s beautiful singing at my inauguration’

‘Nina, Tina, who knows?’

Donald Trump has spoken movingly about Aretha Franklin’s singing at his 2017 inauguration. “Aretha called me right after the election and insisted on singing.”

The President says it was Franklin’s dream to sing at an inauguration and she was upset that Barack Obama hadn’t asked her. “Anyway, she wouldn’t take no for an answer, something I know a lot about” said Trump “although usually from the other side Continue reading

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Village kids urged to store up their own piss as Farage goes ‘back on the road’

Kids are being urged to take back control of their bladders

Harold’s children have been asked to stockpile bottles of wee, in readiness for Nigel Farage’s nationwide tour promoting the wonderful benefits of a damned hard Brexit.

“It ticks several boxes,” said Harold headteacher Alison Lee “recycling single-use plastic bottles, building community by working together for a noble goal and of course, expressing our appreciation for being royally fucked-over by an angry commodity-trading Continue reading

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David Cameron: hut dwelling former PM thinks he’s really a shepherd

Yes, this is how shepherds dress #FACT

Ruddy-faced abyss too drunk on its own sense of entitlement to gaze into thee, David Cameron, now believes he’s a shepherd having spent £50,000 on two shepherd’s huts in which to sit and write his memoirs, the least desired book in Britain since Katie Hopkins’ guide to aquatic fun, esoteric Islam and refugees Surfy, Sufi, Swarmy.  Continue reading

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Villagers slammed for holding Corbyn painting party

The growing trend for Jeremy Corbyn being hired out so children can paint on him during birthday parties has come to Harold. Local parents Cassian and India Hagan-Beckett have come under heavy criticism for holding a Corbyn Daubin’ Crew themed bash for their seven year old son, Quail.  Continue reading

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Ben Stokes found ‘not guilty’. Now the nation gets to have its say

You looking at me, mate?

With the not guilty verdict now in on the Ben Stokes’ trial, the nation has breathed a sigh of relief and got down to what it does best i.e. making decisions on the basis of very little information.

“Now I’m no lawyer” began a man who isn’t a lawyer, in the same tone of voice racists use when starting a sentence with the words ‘Now I’m no racist’ “but Continue reading

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Spider season: householders urged to keep them for post-Brexit trading

Doesn’t look happy, does it? Bet it’s a Remainer

It’s the time of year when eight-legged terror beasts sidle into British homes every bit as needy and unsettling as Kevin Spacey at a youth theatre picnic. However the government are urging people to welcome and nurture the original and least pretentious web-based artists ‘just in case’ as they might come in handy post-Brexit.
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Solar mission ‘just a trial run’ for exploring Piers Morgan’s enormous smug face

Good Morning Britain

NASA has confirmed that its current Solar mission is a trial run for a planned trip to Piers Morgan’s face. The probe is named the Kardashian in honour of the lady who called him a gaseous windbag in 1958.

“First, we need to test the probe’s shield in the sun’s atmosphere to find out whether it will withstand the extremely high levels of smugness radiating off his enormous face,” said Ms Kardashian. “It won’t, of course, so it’ll burn up on his face and make his head explode, I hope.”

“The original idea,” said NASA, “was to make yesterday’s launch a manned flight, using Piers Morgan as the man. But the risk assessment came out bad. No one knows the effect of smashing a massive ball of molten fury into the sun.” Continue reading

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Passengers undermining us by wanting trains: complain rail bosses

Don’t even look at it. There’s nothing for you here.

In a sight that could provoke tears in a concrete statue of a stiff upper lip some of the most vulnerable people in Britain, rail company bosses, bravely spoke out about the trials they face.

“All we’re trying to do is make a huge profit while investing as much in maintenance and infrastructure as Boris Johnson would in a machine that could induce a state of contrition,” said Manfred Rudhart, CEO of Arriva.

“But our mission is undermined by passengers making ludicrous demands like a season ticket costing thousands of pounds resulting in access to a train they could get on every so often and use to go on a journey.” Continue reading

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Charmless woman on charm-offensive

“Emmanuel. Philip is a big fan, he has all of your films.”

A charmless woman, with few friends and even fewer allies, has gone to the country which invented charm to try and charm its President.

Theresa May, a non-stick politician, whose understanding of charm is limited only by not having any, has been to France today to chat up President Macron.

Mrs May, who promised no election just before calling an election; said there’s no magic money tree just before shaking a magic money tree and giving the fruit to the DUP, and claims to be a Christian whilst giving all the money to the rich is, unsurprisingly, confident she will succeed.

As a committed EU member, France has delegated its brexit negotiations to the EU negotiator, Michel Barnier. So Mrs May thought the best thing to do was to try and bypass Barnier and subvert the whole process by having informal chats with heads of government.

“The PM believes in the divide and rule principle” said Downing Street today “It’s worked so well in the cabinet that she’s keen to try it out on a larger stage. No, me neither.”

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Corbyn reflects on Labour’s anti-semitism row: ‘I think I’ve handled it rather well.’

“Hmmm. Do you know? I think I’ve handled it rather well”

Jeremy Corbyn has used the Westminster summer break to assess how he’s handled allegations of Labour party antisemitism. “I asked Shami, who said ‘You’ve done very well, Jeremy’. She’s studied the subject so, good enough for me.”

“We’re not complacent, even though it took five years to deal with Ken Livingstone but only five hours to put the skids under Margaret Hodge. So we’re making progress. Did I say ‘making progress’? I meant Continue reading

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Legal permission no longer needed to end care of ‘minimally conscious’ Chris Grayling

Trying to remember his first point. No one home and even the lights aren’t on

The Supreme Court has ruled that hapless Transport Minister Chris Grayling, who has been in a persistent vegetative state for many years, no longer needs the legal framework of an election to have his financial support withdrawn.

Manchester’s Mayor, Andy Burnham has written to the PM after many requests to Chris Grayling, to actually do the job he’s paid for, went unanswered.

“There’s been little evidence of brain activity from when he was Minister of Justice” said Burnham “and nothing at all since he was moved to Transport. I’ve told Mrs May it would be a kindness to cut off his life-supporting salary.”

Nevertheless, he will make one further contact with Grayling. “The cancelled rail electrification scheme still has loads of kit lying around.” Burnham explained. “We’re going to wire up a 2500 kW Hyundai generator to his gonads and wind it up to full power”.

Burnham agreed that this would have no effect on Grayling’s performance. “We just want to see if we can make his ears light up. The idea is surprisingly popular”.

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Village offers Red Arrows ‘a new home and an indoor runway’

‘Break right, break right, then line up on the courgettes’

Harold’s allotment committee has offered a new home to the RAF Red Arrows team, which will be homeless once RAF Scampton is sold off.

The former WW2 airstrip has been under cultivation since 1946 but in 2014 was converted to an indoor facility, in the hope of winning lucrative air traffic when more conventional outdoor airports were Continue reading

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PM says it’s time to get on with it, after two years dithering by ‘one of the countries involved’

“Can’t you even give me a hint which country it is?”

The sloth in human form, Theresa May, has said it’s time everyone realised that ‘the clock’ is ticking’ on Brexit negotiations and it’s now time to ‘get on with it’.

The PM is due to meet leaders of Austria, Estonia and the Czech Republic this week and will urge them to pull their fingers out. “Some leaders ‘get it’ and have been very helpful” said Mrs May “but I’m told, by those who know, that one country doesn’t even know what it wants, much less Continue reading

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Boris’ popularity in opinion polls is the ‘final proof’ of UK’s stupidity

Holding his head to stop it exploding

With a YouGov poll showing Boris Johnson as favourite to lead the Tories, people who can count to 20 without using their fingers and toes have concluded the UK couldn’t pass the 11+.

“I love Boris” said a shopper in Dunstable “he tells it how it is. OK, not ‘how it is’, maybe how it should be. If the moon was made of cheese and you could ride there on a unicorn. Which is definitely what Boris would do if he was PM. Maybe he could be the next monarch, he’d make a great King. As a chubby adulterer, Continue reading

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‘It’s not too late to save my career’ says Boris Johnson

Help me, my career is going down the wazzoo

The serial-liar and self-publicist, Boris Johnson, has called on Theresa May to save his vaunting ambition to become Prime Minister by acceding to his ridiculous demands.

“Whiff-waff, whiff-whaff, ping-pong, fuzzy-wuzzy” said Johnson, addressing the House of Commons in a resignation speech this afternoon.

Whilst praising the PM’s resilience, he said that her Chequers plan would see his ambitions for high office in “miserable limbo. Which is apparently some dance done by blacks”. He said, adding “I haven’t actually googled it.”

Johnson quit ten days ago, saying that he could not support a plan which didn’t involve him ending up as Prime Minister

The BBC said Mr Johnson’s friends were insisting he was not trying to emulate Geoffrey Howe, whose caustic resignation speech in 1990 is widely seen as having paved the way for Margaret Thatcher’s downfall weeks later.

“No, Boris wants to be become Prime Minister by acclamation, ideally being driven by chariot up The Mall, throwing grapes to the assembled throng” said Brexiteer lunatic and Iain Duncan Smith stooge, Steve Baker MP.

“Do you want anyone beaten up?” said Johnson.

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Sex pests move to distance themselves from Tory minister

Griffiths likes whipping his out in public for selfies

UK sex pests have moved to protect their reputation after it emerged that a member of their Westminster branch was secretly a junior government minister.

Andrew Griffiths spends 40 or 50 hours a week texting lewd suggestions to young women, but has been sensationally revealed as minister for Continue reading

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