Tag Archives: Evening Harold

Daily Mail Editor sectioned after Government loses EU vote

Dossett box empty, Dacre on one of his ‘calmer’ days

The Daily Mail’s Editor, Paul Dacre has been detained under the Mental Health Act, after MPs voted to have the final say on Brexit.

“He lasted an hour once the news broke.” said Mail journalist and physical embodiment of the argument for public schools to be banned, Quentin Letts, a man who might bum your cat and then expect you to thank him.

“When Paul’s dribble turned to foam we contacted emergency social services. Which was ironic as we’d just finished making up an exposé all about social workers being Continue reading

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Call for ‘next Winston Churchill’ to be played by a woman

Couldn’t Glenn Close have played the part just as well? Or Bette Midler.

The UK premiere of The Darkest Hour, the latest biopic of Winston Churchill, brings with it fresh calls for a woman to play the part of the legendary British wartime leader.

“Gary Oldman is certainly a great actor” says Evening Harold film critic, Mariella Buss-Stop “but you can’t escape the fact that he’s still another middle-aged white man. And how they let him onto Air Force One Continue reading

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Viking booze raid: hornéd helmeted ones go hipster

A booze war was brewing in Harold last night, after Viking, Nils Østergård, submitted an application to Harold’s Licensing and Planning departments for ‘pop-up, artisanal, mead Shoppes’

Mr Østergård told The Evening Harold, “We’ve been brewing our own mead at our micro-brewery site for a number of years now, and had been content with only supplying our product for Viking social events.” Looking ruggedly, and wistfully, out over the River Gluggle, he continued, “But as the trend for arsey, over-priced bottles of ale with twigs in has grown, so has our Viking desire to take over the world. In this case, it’s the world of poncy alcoholic drinks. Our selection of meads are available in both bottles and animal horns, and we’d like to remind our customers to rape and pillage responsibly.” Continue reading

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England’s pub brawl XI hit by further unseemly ‘cricketing’ incident

Captured on camera, Duckett shamelessly ‘playing cricket’

England’s pub brawlers are facing another crisis, as yet another member of the squad has been suspended, pending an inquiry into an alleged incident of cricketing.

Earlier in the troubled tour, Jonny Bairstow was accused of ‘wicket-keeping’ when he should have been head-butting one of the Australian team. However, even before the team left the UK England’s talismanic all-rounder Ben Stokes, was captured by security cameras, playing French-cricket in Continue reading

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PM’s intervention secures last-minute deal, agreeing to all the EU’s demands

… time to get onto thrashing out terms of UK’s final surrender.

Following a frantic last 48 hours of shuttle-diplomacy, Theresa May has finally managed to concede to almost all of the EU negotiators’ demands.

“It wasn’t easy and at any moment there was a danger I might not give in.” explained an obviously tired Prime Minister “Of course I could have agreed these terms months ago but I’m no pushover, so I held out to the last minute before caving Continue reading

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“Yes, that’s all gone very well in Jerusalem” says Donald Trump

They’re probably just playing games for fun


Donald Trump says recognising Jerusalem as Israel’s capital has gone very well. “It’s all gone very well” he said today.

“Some folks said there’d be riots, all that sort of thing but nothing’s happening out there, I know that for sure, and everything’s gone very well.”

Right wing US Christian fundamentalists have welcomed the move from their almost-beyond-satirising Continue reading

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“No, I haven’t done my homework. I thought I’d just lie about it.” says Davis

his laptop crashed and the dog ate it anyway

David Davis told the EU select committee this morning that he’d ‘completely forgot’ to do his EU homework which was set for him 15 months ago.

Last week Mr Davis handed in a huge set of papers with lots of crossings out, explaining that it was the homework but that Boris Johnson had scribbled on it.

The week before that he said his laptop had crashed and the electricity cut off at home, so he couldn’t have done it “and the dog had eaten it Continue reading

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Stay in the USA: world imposes travel ban on the Elf on the Shelf

Can’t think of a funny caption. It’s freaking us out

There is relief across the globe this morning as the UN has confirmed that the Elf on the Shelf is now subject to a global travel ban on the grounds that it is horribly creepy shite.  Continue reading

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‘Nothing to see here, move along’ says PM as whole social mobility board quit

I know what you’re doing under your desk. Just stop it.

Theresa May says there’s no story behind the mass resignation of the only team within government that has even a pretence of caring.

“Rather than criticising imperceptible progress toward a fairer society,” said Mrs May “why not just replay YouTube clips of my first speech as PM, when I vowed to tackle social injustice and inequality. ‘Where there is hope may we bring … no, not that. Err Continue reading

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Trump to start World War III to distract everyone from links with Russia

We’ll be fine in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, we’ve played the arse out of Fallout 4

Hang on, we’re right. Aren’t we?

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Daft ‘head of NHS England’ moaning about cash again

Would you trust this man? Our money is on Jeremy Hunt

Some daft idiot, who says he’s ‘head of NHS England’ or something like that, has only gone and banged on again about a so-called funding crisis.

Not content with threatening longer waiting lists if Her Majesty’s Chancellor didn’t provide enough cash in the Budget, this clown Simon Stevens then has the brass neck to Continue reading

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Never mind the Brexit, here’s the Royal Family

Hooray, now no one has to do any thinking about anything for months.

The entire Cabinet dropped to their knees and wept tears of joy this morning as the National Distraction Machine aka the House of Windsor provided it with a perfect and enduring smokescreen. Continue reading

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Archbishop of York’s dog collar ‘only partly’ responsible for Mugabe going

Narsil, the Dog Collar that was broken

Archbishop John Sentamu has modestly played down the role of his dog collar in the downfall of Robert Mugabe.

Sentamu refused to wear a dog collar for almost a decade, in protest against the Zimbabwean President remaining in post.

“It was tough at times.” admitted Sentamu on the Andrew Marr show. “Times when I wondered if it was worth the pain and wanted to give up. Somehow my collar convinced me Continue reading

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UK unsure if budget means it’s merely been given a pleasing low down tingle or a right royal seeing to

Whatever it is, Mrs May seems to like it

Philip Hammond’s budget played nug-a-nug with the UK yesterday but those unfamiliar with the detail of economic theory are struggling to know if this means everyone has been given a nice low down tingle, or a right royal seeing to, so thorough it’s left them feeling they’ve reached out and touched the face of God.

Professor of Economics Julia Hogsburn of Dunstable University explained that sexual innuendo and metaphor, though popular in tabloid journalism, were actually unhelpful when assessing economic stability. “No, what we’re looking at here is more akin to being Ramsay Boltoned” said Hogsburn “I hope Continue reading

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Jacob Rees-Mogg says that as divorce is un-Catholic, so is any EU divorce bill

Jacob hanging on to a majority in his constituency

Speaking outside the 20th century (at the other end), Rees-Mogg, an expert on laws spiritual and temporal, explained that his God hates divorce, contraception, and menstrual cycles. And socialists – “not just the women socialists though.”

The MP says that although he is prepared to compromise his beliefs, as far as the divorce itself is concerned, actually paying for it is a step too far. “I would never do so, of course, but if I ever did leave my wife I Continue reading

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Driverless cars ‘logical next step’ for rudderless government says Chancellor

It hasn’t lost all humanity and will still throw your parcels over the fence

With funding for expanding driverless car use in the budget, Philip Hammond says the Tories have already piloted the idea, using entirely rudderless government.

“It uses very much the same principles.” said the Chancellor, dancing around and waving a torch so as to be seen “You swap a human driver, who is susceptible to being distracted by thoughts, feelings, and suchlike, for an emotionless robot making choices on Continue reading

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Explorer begs wife’s forgiveness for being rescued by the Daily Mail

Grrrrr ……

Explorer Benedict Allen has said sorry to his wife for the indignity of being rescued in Papua New Guinea by the Daily Mail.

Appalling hate-mongers at the Daily Mail had hired a helicopter to cash-in on the disappearance of Benedict Allen, hoping that it’s appalling editor Paul Dacre might yet sneak into the New Year’s Honours list.

On learning that he was being rescued by the Daily Mail, Mr Allen (57), exclaimed: ‘I can’t believe it. Hell’s bells, the f-cking Mail? F-ck off!’ Continue reading

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Brexit deadline: David Davis ‘actively considering’ working second day a week

I’ve conceded hobnobs but expect tariff-free trade at least

With Brexit talks at a critical stage, David Davis is even thinking about putting in an extra shift each week until next month.

“I’m willing to do the job I’m paid to do, on anything up to two days a week, but only for the short term.”

“I won’t say exactly how long for, as I don’t want to reveal my hand.” said a toga-wearing Davis, speaking from a chaise longue in his London office, whilst being fed peeled grapes Continue reading

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Study shows link between austerity and 120,000 deaths: that’s not enough, say Tories

Iain gets teary when he thinks about how many disabled and vulnerable people are still extant

Tory ministers past and present are sadder than Hodor’s death following the publication of a report that shows an association between austerity and 120,000 people upping stumps and retiring to the pavilion. Continue reading

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