Tag Archives: dogs

Not Rolf’s Animal Hospital: The dangers of getting wood

7814203Hello you animal lovers!
I’d like to talk about how dangerous it can be to get wood. Up the rec I saw a client enthusiastically waving his oversized woody about and was dismayed. I advise that we should all play with rubber when relaxing with our pets and choose our play tools carefully.  Continue reading

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Filed under Vet

Corbyn fails to rule out Dog Tax

corbyn

Corbyn holds up an invisible dachshund.

Pundits have noted that Jeremy Corbyn failed to rule out a punitive dog tax during his keynote conference speech.

A dog tax, which would unfairly hit owners of dogs, is likely to be very unpopular amongst the dog owning community.

Throughout his time as prime minister, David Cameron has never once raised the prospect of punishing those with canine assets, although it wasn’t specifically ruled out in the Tory manifesto.
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Filed under Economy, Politics

Your dog is annoyed by that stupid voice you do for it, finds science

dog

“I do NOT sound like that, you bipedal twat.”

Your dog is deeply offended by that ridiculous voice you do for it, and would kill you if only it was bigger.

That’s the finding of a leading scientist in the field of anthropomorphology, who made the discovery using a spaniel with brain wires.

“When your dog is looking at you, while you hold a tennis ball for a bit too long, it isn’t saying ‘throw the ball, throw the ball, throw the ball'”, said Professor Janet Fernandez.

“What it’s actually thinking is ‘you stupid bald monkey, this is lasting seven times longer for me. And if you don’t project The Orb of Joy NOW I will happily bite you’.”
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Filed under Culture, Pets

Harold Dog Rescue needs more dogs. Can you help?

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Luckily, Rose Lee had 40 surplus dogs available

Fairly popular local animal charity, Harold Dog Rescue, is appealing for urgent financial help, following a break-in over last weekend.

“When I woke up on Monday morning, I was horrified to find that all forty dogs had been nicked” said centre manager Alison Lee, who was only appointed last month. “The very worst thing is that our well-meaning elderly and retired volunteers now have nothing to do. So as an emergency measure, we decided to buy in some new stock.”

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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, Law and Order, News, Pets

It’s a Dogging mix-up at the WI

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Harold’s Women’s Institute has formally apologised for a misunderstanding which lead to great disappointment for members and potential members alike.

“On behalf of the committee, my sincere apologies to all those who came expecting the advertised lecture on ‘dogging’ at our August meeting.” explained WI Chair Jane Moorhead “It seems that a simple spellchecking and proof reading error had replaced the original ‘dog-walking’”.

“Full marks must go to our special guest speaker Daphne Rogers though, whose inspiring talk on her work with the RNIB in Dunstable did much to dispel the evident frustration of some more vocal members and their (uninvited) husbands. Just a procedural point here for some of you existing members, who really should know better. We are exempt from the Equality Act 2010 and husbands – or male ‘partners’ – may only attend specific Invitation Events. No names no pack drill, but probably best if it doesn’t happen again.”

With great foresight, Harold’s ever resourceful Rev. Tansy Forster had installed a motion-sensitive high definition webcam in the Squirrel Lickers Arms car park to record the promised ‘outdoor practical session’.

Although upset by the turn of events, Rev Tansy is marketing not only DVDs of Daphne’s trainee guide dog ‘Jasper’ walking slowly round the pub car park and piddling on the alloys of landlord Eddie’s truck, but also over 200 blank DVDs which have turned out to be unexpectedly surplus to requirements.

Given the level of interest generated, Mrs Moorhead is now keen to hear from anyone willing and able to give a talk on ‘Dogging’. “We do have a free slot in October, which in any event might be a better bet than August. The clocks will have gone back by then and Eddie hasn’t had the car park lighting repaired yet.”

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Filed under Around Harold, News, Uncategorized

Teenage Temptress to Teach Dogs Yoga

 

Upward-Facing Dog

Upward-Facing Dog

Some have called the idea ‘barking mad’, others think she’s bitten off more than she can chew, but local teen Melanie Delaney hopes that her latest business idea won’t be dogged with problems.

Harold resident Melanie (19) who was once almost mistaken for Paris Hilton is a self-taught yoga instructor with high hopes of success.  After watching her pet Chihuahua, Mr Pips, contort himself into a series of amazing postures while attempting to lick his own bottom, Melanie was inspired to create yoga classes just for man (and woman’s) best friends.

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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle, Sport

Canine lingerie website is the dogs bollocks

Woof, woof!

Woof, woof!

The Chinese internet craze for posting photos of dogs dressed in lingerie has reached Harold courtesy of Dave Zhou, owner of the 38th Parallel, the village’s North Korean Restaurant.

Dave explained how he had set up his ‘Bitches in Fishnets’ website which enables allows pet owners to anonymously post photographs of their pooches dressed in what he describes as “very sexy leg wear”,

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Filed under Lifestyle, News