Hello you animal lovers!
I’d like to talk about how dangerous it can be to get wood. Up the rec I saw a client enthusiastically waving his oversized woody about and was dismayed. I advise that we should all play with rubber when relaxing with our pets and choose our play tools carefully. Continue reading
Tag Archives: dogs
Hello you animal lovers!
Pundits have noted that Jeremy Corbyn failed to rule out a punitive dog tax during his keynote conference speech.
A dog tax, which would unfairly hit owners of dogs, is likely to be very unpopular amongst the dog owning community.
Throughout his time as prime minister, David Cameron has never once raised the prospect of punishing those with canine assets, although it wasn’t specifically ruled out in the Tory manifesto.
Your dog is deeply offended by that ridiculous voice you do for it, and would kill you if only it was bigger.
That’s the finding of a leading scientist in the field of anthropomorphology, who made the discovery using a spaniel with brain wires.
“When your dog is looking at you, while you hold a tennis ball for a bit too long, it isn’t saying ‘throw the ball, throw the ball, throw the ball'”, said Professor Janet Fernandez.
“What it’s actually thinking is ‘you stupid bald monkey, this is lasting seven times longer for me. And if you don’t project The Orb of Joy NOW I will happily bite you’.”
Fairly popular local animal charity, Harold Dog Rescue, is appealing for urgent financial help, following a break-in over last weekend.
“When I woke up on Monday morning, I was horrified to find that all forty dogs had been nicked” said centre manager Alison Lee, who was only appointed last month. “The very worst thing is that our well-meaning elderly and retired volunteers now have nothing to do. So as an emergency measure, we decided to buy in some new stock.”
Harold’s Women’s Institute has formally apologised for a misunderstanding which lead to great disappointment for members and potential members alike.
“My apologies to all who came expecting the advertised lecture on dogging at our August meeting.” explained WI Chair Jane Moorhead “It seems that a simple spellchecking and proof reading error had replaced the original ‘dog-walking’”.
“Full marks to our guest speaker Daphne Rogers though, whose inspiring talk on her work with the RNIBin Dunstable did much to dispel the evident frustration of some more vocal members and their, uninvited, husbands.
“Just a few procedural points here for some WI members, who really should know better. Booing is never acceptable, nor is throwing things, particularly at the speaker. Finally, we’re exempt from the Equality Act so husbands or male partners may only attend specific events. No names, no pack drill, Alice.”
Given the level of interest though, Moorhead wants to hear from anyone able to give a talk on dogging. “We’ve slot in October, which may be a better bet than August. The clocks will have gone back by then but the pub car park lighting will probably still be out”.
“Is that a good thing or a bad thing? No idea, but I’m looking forward to finding out.”
Some have called the idea ‘barking mad’, others think she’s bitten off more than she can chew, but local teen Melanie Delaney hopes that her latest business idea won’t be dogged with problems.
Harold resident Melanie (19) who was once almost mistaken for Paris Hilton is a self-taught yoga instructor with high hopes of success. After watching her pet Chihuahua, Mr Pips, contort himself into a series of amazing postures while attempting to lick his own bottom, Melanie was inspired to create yoga classes just for man (and woman’s) best friends.
The Chinese internet craze for posting photos of dogs dressed in lingerie has reached Harold courtesy of Dave Zhou, owner of the 38th Parallel, the village’s North Korean Restaurant.
Dave explained how he had set up his ‘Bitches in Fishnets’ website which enables allows pet owners to anonymously post photographs of their pooches dressed in what he describes as “very sexy leg wear”,