Tag Archives: cocaine

Nuclear control ‘far safer with coke-snorters than Donald Trump’

UK nuclear command prepare for the night shift.

A weekend IMHO poll has revealed that most people feel relaxed about our nuclear warheads being under the control of wide-awake clear-thinking coke-snorting top-flight gamers, and that this is way preferable to President Trump having his finger on the big button.

“These guys in the submarine are best in class when it comes to video war games,” said Harold teenager Kevin Ronsson. “They’ve got hand-eye coordination like you wouldn’t believe and they’re so sharp-brained they can beat you at chess with one hand while fending off incoming with the other. Whereas Trump is more like a thick dickhead, still stuck on level 1 in Hungry Horace.”
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Filed under Around Harold, bombs, Defence, Drugs, Lifestyle, Politics, War

Cocaine recategorised as Class ABC1


‘No’ to junkies, ‘yes’ to aspirational cocaine consumers.

Politicians have called for cocaine to be recategorised as Class ABC1, which would restrict its use to those with a demographic very similar to politicians.

While the use of recreational drugs by poor people has long been frowned upon, MPs and senior police believe ‘now is the time’ to reassess their impact on architects, dentists and TV chefs.

“We want the public to know that casual drug use will not be tolerated”, said Police Commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe. “But smart-casual drug use is fine.”
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Filed under Food, Law and Order, Lifestyle

Guest sermon: Methadonist Minister Paul Flowers preaches forgiveness


Is it better to forgive, or to forget?

Hello! It’s lovely of you to let me write a sermon for your long-standing and respected institution, let’s hope I don’t end up ruining it completely! I don’t have a lot of experience of not completely destroying everything I touch, but practice makes one even more perfect.

What I want to talk to you about today is something very dear to my heart: forgiveness. Forgiveness is a cornerstone of my faith, and not forgiving someone is nearly the same as doing the thing you haven’t forgiven me for yourself.

For instance, say a fine, upstanding member of the banking community were to accidentally take lots of drugs. Should you forgive them? My faith instinctively tells me ‘yes.’ Because not saying ‘that’s fine Paul, no real harm done, let’s forget it and move on’ means that you have effectively bought Crystal Meth off a rent boy yourself.
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Filed under Economy, From the Vicarage, Vicars

Shame of ex drug dealer filmed ‘being chairman of bank’


Flowers, top lip seen moments after snorting enormous line

Paul ‘Ernesto’ Flowers, the former cocaine baron leader of the Medellin cartel, has apologised after a newspaper reported he had become the chairman of a high street bank.

A video on the Mail on Sunday website shows Flowers, who is also a member of Al-Qaeda, openly fronting a presentation to Co-op shareholders on probable Q4 earnings and a future strategy to reduce the fixed cost base.

He was filmed by notorious East End gangster ‘Razors’ McCoy, an acquaintance who also happened to have a minor shareholding in the bank. McCoy told the paper he exposed the banker because he was “disgusted by his hypocrisy”.
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Filed under Business, Crime, Vicars