UK nuclear command prepare for the night shift.
A weekend IMHO poll has revealed that most people feel relaxed about our nuclear warheads being under the control of wide-awake clear-thinking coke-snorting top-flight gamers, and that this is way preferable to President Trump having his finger on the big button.
“These guys in the submarine are best in class when it comes to video war games,” said Harold teenager Kevin Ronsson. “They’ve got hand-eye coordination like you wouldn’t believe and they’re so sharp-brained they can beat you at chess with one hand while fending off incoming with the other. Whereas Trump is more like a thick dickhead, still stuck on level 1 in Hungry Horace.”
preaching about the love of money on Sundays and Monday to Friday
David Cameron has defended former Trade Minister Lord Green, who’s behaviour as a boss at ‘The world’s local money laundry’ has been criticised simply because HSBC as a whole were a bunch of corporate chumps.
“Look, Stephen Green only came aboard after a full integrity-vetting from Andy [Coulson]. Then I gave him a fancy title, so he didn’t have to go through all that tiresome ‘being elected’ nonsense. And a job helping businesses to earn money we didn’t have because his previous company helped people to hide money from HMRC. Do I mean HMRC? Or is that HSBC? Oh well.”
The Prime Minister went on “Thieving bastards? No, not at all. And thieving is such a subjective term don’t you think?.”
NHS England has announced it is to reinvent itself as a bank in order to secure the levels of government funding it needs to provide adequate healthcare and properly paid staff by means of a multibillion pound bailout.
The news comes on the back of strikes by nursing staff who have had their pay frozen, and as NHS England report it could have a funding shortfall of £2bn.
“We have made savings of nearly £20bn” it said in a statement, “but are currently unable to afford some treatment for illnesses such as cancer, heart disease or MPs’ memory loss.
Filed under Economy, Health
George Osborne has tackled Labour’s ‘cost of living’ argument straight on today but refusing to limit bankers’ bonuses, allowing them to continue to live to a standard they have become accustomed.
“I am not as out of touch as Labour would have you believe,” Osborne told a press conference.
“I am well aware that rising energy prices are making it difficult for people to heat their homes, especially when those homes include an eight-bedroom country manor and a Central London apartment.
“With fuel prices rising, we don’t want ordinary, hard-working people giving up their jobs because they simply cannot afford to get to work, and aviation fuel is almost as expensive per litre than some of the finest champagnes.”
The chancellor has been criticised for not capping the bonuses. Critics claim a million pound salary should be enough without another million pound on top.
But Osborne insists any cost of living crisis could be solved by letting bankers be rewarded for gambling.
“The larger the bonus given to my friends, the more I have to defend it,” Osborne continued, “and that should create enough hot air to heat the whole country.”
The former boss of the Co-op Bank, Paul Flowers has been arrested by police in connection with a ‘drug supply investigation’.
Despite being questioned by police, his lawyers have said they are pretty confident no charges will be brought against their client as generally ‘bankers don’t go to prison’.
“People say bankers learnt nothing after the global financial crash,” a member of his legal team said. “But they did actually learn one very important lesson. Bankers don’t go to jail, especially the incompetent ones.
Cold heartless banker
Pensioner Doris Kettle has taken steps to apologise for the mismanagement of her account, by returning a porcelain pig to the local branch of her NatWest.
Along with a third of a wobbly wall chart, Kettle hopes the gesture will be seen as a token of her remorse, as well as a full and final settlement, which she’ll hear no more about.
Filed under News, Politics