Jeremy Corbyn has hit the music scene with what critics say will be this year’s Christmas Number One.
A fabulous video now out of the kindly pensioner singing Happy Birthday Dear Katie has taken the UK by storm.
Harold media analyst Dr Lizzie Phillips says ‘out-of-tune’ is the new black. “He’s very popular. I’d definitely put a fiver on him winning X-factor.”
The video was tastefully shot in Cockermouth, showing Jeremy and Katie hugging in the cold air, surrounded by festive sand-bags.
preaching about the love of money on Sundays and Monday to Friday
David Cameron has defended former Trade Minister Lord Green, who’s behaviour as a boss at ‘The world’s local money laundry’ has been criticised simply because HSBC as a whole were a bunch of corporate chumps.
“Look, Stephen Green only came aboard after a full integrity-vetting from Andy [Coulson]. Then I gave him a fancy title, so he didn’t have to go through all that tiresome ‘being elected’ nonsense. And a job helping businesses to earn money we didn’t have because his previous company helped people to hide money from HMRC. Do I mean HMRC? Or is that HSBC? Oh well.”
The Prime Minister went on “Thieving bastards? No, not at all. And thieving is such a subjective term don’t you think?.”
Is it better to forgive, or to forget?
Hello! It’s lovely of you to let me write a sermon for your long-standing and respected institution, let’s hope I don’t end up ruining it completely! I don’t have a lot of experience of not completely destroying everything I touch, but practice makes one even more perfect.
What I want to talk to you about today is something very dear to my heart: forgiveness. Forgiveness is a cornerstone of my faith, and not forgiving someone is nearly the same as doing the thing you haven’t forgiven me for yourself.
For instance, say a fine, upstanding member of the banking community were to accidentally take lots of drugs. Should you forgive them? My faith instinctively tells me ‘yes.’ Because not saying ‘that’s fine Paul, no real harm done, let’s forget it and move on’ means that you have effectively bought Crystal Meth off a rent boy yourself.
Flowers, top lip seen moments after snorting enormous line
Paul ‘Ernesto’ Flowers, the former cocaine baron leader of the Medellin cartel, has apologised after a newspaper reported he had become the chairman of a high street bank.
A video on the Mail on Sunday website shows Flowers, who is also a member of Al-Qaeda, openly fronting a presentation to Co-op shareholders on probable Q4 earnings and a future strategy to reduce the fixed cost base.
He was filmed by notorious East End gangster ‘Razors’ McCoy, an acquaintance who also happened to have a minor shareholding in the bank. McCoy told the paper he exposed the banker because he was “disgusted by his hypocrisy”.
Hello, what are these, then?
The BBC has apologised after inadvertently revealing to viewers of The Voice that there is an above-waist difference between men and women.
More than 1000 rabid drooling people smelling of urine phoned the corporation after Saturday night’s live final on BBC One to complain that presenter Holly Willoughby’s low-cut dress clearly showed that women have ‘upper body curvy places which might very well have nipples attached’.
The dress in question, a black lace affair, apparently revealed some five square inches of chesty skin, which caused a bespectacled man in Altrincham to spontaneously ejaculate in anger.
Recent results have been disappointing
The Archbishop of Canterbury has warned Christians against ‘expecting too much’ from one person, by putting their heroes on pedestals or large wooden crosses.
Villagers led by Phil Evans were suspiciously fast to react. Within minutes the Church of St. Haroldine The Peachy was surrounded by a mob, demanding the statue of Jesus be replaced by an etching of a committee.
The egg is going to get it
The annual Harold Easter egg hunt is under threat today after an animal rights group claimed that the practice of hunting eggs with dogs is cruel, and threatened to sabotage the event.
A proud tradition believed to date back as far as 300BC, many locals look forward to the thrill of hunting with hounds each Easter Sunday, chasing chocolate eggs through the woodland South of the town. But if the campaigners have their way that could all be set to change.
Priest also obsessed with ‘massive kites’
Local Priest Tansy Forster has issued a statement through her lawyer, in which she vehemently denies washing the feet of a young offender against their wishes.
Forster admitted that she did have a ‘thing’ for dirty feet of petty criminals, but rejected claims that it was a ‘full-blown fetish’.
Forster has claimed before that it’s perfectly normal to wash a vandal’s feet, if you don’t want to catch anything while you’re kissing them.