Category Archives: Troubled Families

“Studying chromosomes is in my DNA” claims 3rd-generation geneticist

DNA animation by brian0918™ via Wikimedia Commons

Twists and turns

Local amateur chromosome-enthusiast Brian Aubrey, whose father and grandfather both took a keen interest in genetics, has concluded that the driving force behind their common pastime must be in his DNA.

His hypothesis was published in this month’s edition of Naturist World.

“For editorial reasons, they changed the title to ‘DNA: The Bare Facts’ and preferred to illustrate the article with a photo of some rather healthy-looking women playing volley ball on a beach in Spain, which they said was more interesting than my diagram showing the distribution of chromosomes in a double helix.”

“The problem is finding an outlet for your research. It’s a highly competitive business and sometimes it’s necessary to resort to click-bait tactics to get your message out there.”

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Filed under Around Harold, DNA, Families, Father's Day, Lifestyle, science, Troubled Families

Mourinho sacks Chelsea

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I’m letting you go…

In a move which has seemed inevitable for some time, Chelsea Football Club were last night finally sacked by manager Jose Mourinho.

Chelsea have been struggling this season, but given their pedigree it still came as a shock to many to see them let go. However, in recent weeks, it seems that the dressing room had completely lost the goodwill of the manager, which could only lead to them moving on.

In what some are calling the coup of the century, it is believed that Manchester United are preparing an audacious bid for the unemployed Chelsea team, as they currently don’t have one.

Mourinho issued a brief statement, thanking Chelsea for their contribution since he returned as manager, “but results have not been good enough this season, and we believe it is in the interests of both parties to go our separate ways.”

“I wish to make clear that Chelsea leave me on good terms, and will always be welcome to visit me at my villa in the Algarve.”

It is understood that as part of the severance package, Mourinho will allow Chelsea to continue to pay him until the end of the season.

A few commentators have noticed that it is more usually the club which sacks the manager, rather than the other way round, suggesting that no matter how special Mourinho might be, he will have trouble winning games without any players.

Others pointed out that it will be highly enjoyable to see the former Chelsea boss standing on the touchline alone, angrily blaming referees as the other team scores goal after goal completed unopposed.

In other words, business as usual, was the general opinion.
* Thanks to Alan Usher for the Man Utd line!

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Filed under News, Sport, Troubled Families

Pig reveals all in kiss and tell exposé

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Ham Fisted

The pig at the centre of the David Cameron scandal has broken her silence in an exclusive kiss and squeal interview.

Under the alias ‘Margaret’ she said that she wanted to get things straight, “Something Mr Cameron had no trouble doing in his student days”.

 

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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, News, Politics, Sex, skeleton, Society, spam, Troubled Families

Poverty to be limited to the poor, pledges Osborne.

Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.

Mwahaha, Mwahahahahaha. Ahahaha.

George Osborne has pledged to eradicate all money problems for poor people after the next election by doing away with all money for poor people. Continue reading

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Filed under Badgers, breaking news, charity, Election 2015, Election 2015, Health, Housing, Lifestyle, Medicine, Politics, Society, Troubled Families, Uncategorized

Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter to get shared custody of Johnny Depp

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Double Christmas presents for Johnny!

Following the news of the separation of Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter, a family court ruled this morning that the pair will be granted shared custody of Johnny Depp.

According to court insiders, the custody hearing was a simple formality, with a standard shared care routine being established, where Depp will spend spend weekends with Burton drawing spirals moodily in the snow with a severed bone, and weekdays screaming maniacally in a padded room with Bonham Carter.
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DNA test brings surprising new theory of Richard III’s appearance

jameshewittrichardIII

Artist’s impression of how King Richard III might have looked

Analysis of DNA from Richard III has allowed researchers to establish with greater confidence than ever what the Plantagenet king actually looked like, it was revealed today.

Far from being the hunchbacked dark-haired figure of legend, it is now believed that the King in fact had “reddy-brown” hair, and walked with the upright gait typical of, say, a  household cavalry officer in the British Army.

“Richard III has traditionally been seen as this evil stooped man who would imprison Princes in the Tower of London,” explained one researcher, “But our testing indicates that he would be far more likely to have  attended the Royal Military Academy at Sandhurst, been commissioned into the Life Guards as a second lieutenant and eventually to have been promoted to captain. After serving as a tank commander in the Gulf he probably retired from the British Army and opened a golf driving range, that sort of thing.”

When asked if there were any implications for the current Royal Family’s claim to the throne or the order of succession, the researcher coughed slightly and muttered something that sounded like: “Well, they might have to skip one”.

 

 

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Filed under Royals, Troubled Families

Being beheaded ‘will not silence Prince Charles’

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The fruit plate

The prospect of his eventual coronation coming at a time of growing civil unrest and revolution will not stop him from intervening in national affairs, even if his head should end up being cut off and placed on a spike, Prince Charles has confirmed.

Rising public disaffection with authority and unprecedented support for republicanism are likely to combine in an explosively violent uprising in which Buckingham Palace will be stormed by the masses and those within slaughtered, the Prince has admitted, but he is adamant that he will continue to press for farmers’ rights wherever possible.

“He will be true to his beliefs and convictions,” said a palace source. “Particularly those relating to Duchies. He’s not actually aware of any actual Duchies other than that of Cornwall, but he’s going ‘balls-out’ for them anyway.”

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