Category Archives: News

Amazingly, Geoff Boycott is still not out

“I’d like to say sorry for being found out. Can I bill you for that?”

Former cricketer and legendary arsehole, Geoffrey Boycott is still ‘not out’ at the BBC, despite taking a risky shot at West Indian players.

Boycott’s smouldering resentment surfaced recently when at a Sky Sports event, forgetting some brown people were in the audience, he said he’d stand more chance of being knighted if he blacked his face.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman acknowledged “I suppose that might work – if it somehow stops him being an arsehole, Continue reading

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Total eclipse of fiery orange ball not Donald Trump

President Trump, having an unusually calm day at the office

Millions were disappointed at the weekend, when it emerged that the huge, glowing orange ball going into shadow on Monday will be the Sun and not the 45th President of the USA.

“I’d heard that an angrily burning, self-fuelling, incandescent ball, best seen through six inch thick darkened glass, would be off-line tomorrow.” said AdamCassidy, a 23 year old conspiracy theorist from Harold.

“Naturally, I assumed President Trump was being turned off and on again or Continue reading

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Porsche 4X4 driver says yes, he is entitled to use up to 75% of the road

I’m very,very rich so in town I park on the pavement

A man living on a 12 feet wide lane says it’s fine to drive a Porsche Cayenne, which barely fits between the hedges, because he’s very, very rich.

“You see, if I weren’t very, very rich I couldn’t afford to own any Porsche, much less my top of the range Cayenne 4X4 Turbo. And as I live in the country, I generally need to use most of the road.”

He confirmed that due to the narrowness of the lanes near where he lives, it’s always the middle 75% of the road which he has to use Continue reading

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Tom Cruise breaks his leg whilst jumping off his wallet

“Gottle o’ geer, gottle o’ geer.”

Little Tom Cruise has been hurt, filming a jump between his wallet and his huge ego.

“It was always going to be tricky; the size of Tom’s ego varies according to the size of his wallet.” said producer Christopher McQuarrie, at a press briefing.

“In short, it was a massive stunt. Sorry? Yes, I agree. But what I actually said was ‘a massive stunt’.” Continue reading

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David Davis: “Young Mr Grace says Brexit is going ‘incredibly well'”

“Wibble.” David Davis, just after taking his pants off his head

The Minister for Exiting Our Right Minds said today that the Brexit process is great and a character from a 1970s sit-com, young Mr Grace, has told him he’s personally ‘done very well’.

Speaking on R4’s Today programme this morning, David Davis took his pants from his head, two HB pencils from his nose and explained that the lack of clarity, over the government’s plan, is intentional, calling it “constructive ambiguity”. No, really, that’s what he said. We didn’t Continue reading

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‘How on earth do people get so racist?’ despairs Nigel Farage

Heil me!

The racist former leader of the racist UKIP party who built an electoral base campaigning on how everyone should be racist has spoken out about the racist violence in Charlottesville, asking how it’s possible that people could be so racist.

“Cannot believe we’re seeing Nazi salutes in 21st century America”, tweeted Farage yesterday. “How is it possible that people in today’s society, threatened as they are by Muslim PEDO DEATH CULTS, could get so racist? #idespair”.

Critics have been quick to point out that he has dedicated his entire political career to encouraging popular racism for his own selfish political ends, and that Farage condemning racism is about as plausible as a penis condemning urine.

“Nonsense,” insisted Farage at a press conference today, his authority only slightly diminished by his choice of vintage SS uniform and fake Hitler moustache.

“No-one has done more than me to condemn racism. Some of my best friends are Black, Asian and Muslim. Well, Bob is. And he’s a bit smelly, to be honest. Anyway, Heil me.”

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BBC apologises for athletics interrupting expert analysis

Intensive training means they can keep going for hours. No, really.

BBC Sport has expressed its ‘sincere regret’ that footage of athletes running, jumping, and throwing things has interrupted the droning, tedious wittering of Gabby Logan and her expert panel of assorted retired athletes.

“We are very sorry.” said Head of BBC Sport, Gary something-or-other “After a busy day at work there’s nothing better than flopping on the sofa and watching overpaid former sportsters spouting fatuous nonsense; like that kids’ party game where each child has to repeat absolutely everything the previous child said – Continue reading

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“New UK grass snake” probably just Michael Gove on countryside holiday

“there’s still a brief window of opportunity”

Scientists were disappointed today to find that a snake in the grass, discovered in the UK, is most likely Michael Gove,  not a previously uncategorised reptile, despite some obvious similarities.

This means the total number of UK species remains at four; not including Boris Johnson.

Harold scientist Dr Rachel Guest says it’s an easy mistake for colleagues to make “Both slither along the ground in an oily manner, both cause involuntary shudders of disgust; Continue reading

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Daily Mail on Mo Farah: yeah, but he didn’t sing the National Anthem

Paul Dacre – “That medal should have been mine too and I’d have sung the National Anthem.”

With Mo Fara’s track career nearing its end, the Daily Mail has shrugged aside pretence and slagged-off the runner for not singing the National Anthem after winning world championship gold. Again.

“He’s as bad as f*&king Jeremy Corbyn!” screamed Editor Paul Dacre across the newsroom last night, before being sedated with a tranquiliser dart by the Mail’s anaesthetist. Again.

Some little known facts about the UK’s greatest athlete, as helpfully revealed in the Daily Mail.

It’s not widely known that Mo is short for Mohamed, which is a Muslim name.

He was born in Somalia, which is abroad, in Africa.

He has six world championship and four Olympic golds which might have been won by home-grown athletes.

“He was also given a knighthood, which should have gone to a newspaper editor. Sebastian bloody Coe got a peerage.” sobbed Mr Dacre in the recovery room.

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Puzzled Jeremy Hunt: asks suicide risk case Judge, “‘what are shame and embarrassment?”

“Shame? Nope, I’ve got no idea.”

Jeremy Hunt is baffled by a Judge’s criticism of NHS services, which included the unknown words ‘shame’ and ’embarrassment’.

“This is another example of an out of touch judiciary” said a clearly exasperated Health Secretary “using obscure words, which no one understands. I’ve asked all my colleagues and they don’t know their meaning either. Maybe he made them up, like me and NHS Continue reading

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Sarlacc pit to replace prisons as Tories deny reckless underfunding

Still less bleak looking than HMP Dartmoor

The government has come under fire for for cutting almost all funding to the prison system and opting to chuck prisoners into a sarlacc pit instead. Continue reading

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DUP insist PM reroutes walking holiday to include march through Drumcree

As she marches she can sing that old classic “The Pink Frock My Father Wore”

World’s most angry and bigoted neighbourhood watch group run amok, the DUP, have stopped rolling around in all their magic money tree cash long enough to order the Prime Minister to radically change her holiday plans. Continue reading

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B&Q: garden sprinklers “will be back in stock by October”

Sprinklers definitely in stock by Christmas

The sprinkler aisle of the echoing barn you mooch around peering at tools, to avoid doing any actual DIY, will be fully stocked by October half-term.

“By Guy Fawkes night at the latest.” confirmed B&Q’s marketing director, Anna Jones today. “Probably. Definitely before you throw the hose into the shed for the winter.”

Jones says a fickle public is itself to blame for various shortages “Wellington boots? Hardly get looked at in July but by December, just after we’ve sent them back, it’s all ‘My allotment looks like the Somme, Continue reading

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Jeremy Hunt clarification: “making Mental Health work more attractive to staff won’t involve me resigning.”

Come on back. Your old desk still has your tear stains on it

Sacrificial anode in human form, Jeremy Hunt says he won’t resign, even though surveys show it’s the best way to make NHS work more attractive to potential recruits.

“It’s largely due to me we’ve got so many vacancies in mental health, so why would I leave?” asked the hapless Health Secretary, who genuinely has no self awareness; ironically making him an ideal subject for teaching trainee psychologists about sociopathy, if only Continue reading

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Government to ruin country to prank PM when she returns from holiday

A pleasant change from all those holiday photos of Dave pointing at fish

Bored of slowly making life worse for everyone but themselves the government has decided to lighten the mood and ruin the country completely over the next few days in order to surprise Theresa May when she returns from Italy.
Continue reading

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Brexiters advised to hold referendum if unhappy with Brexit talks outcome

Look, the answer is as plain as this £350m gold brick I’m holding

Brexiters wanting a skydiver-without-parachute EU exit have been reminded that a referendum might be the answer.

Remainer Jason Beesley from Harold says he “feels the pain” of hard Brexiters and suggests an advisory, binary, Yes/No poll might clarify what the UK public wants.

“That’s a rubbish idea.” said Continue reading

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Man planning hard divorce hires chainsaw to split the assets

David Davis photographed when he found out he’ll still have to pay the debts

A Dunstable man going through a divorce has hired a chainsaw with which to split the family assets and he’ll start with the house itself.

“It’s got a wooden frame so it should be quite easy, as long as I don’t hit any nails” said David Davis “I assume that’s what she meant by ‘sparks are going to fly’, when I told her about it.”

Davis won’t consider a soft divorce, where everything is discussed beforehand. “I want to crash out of the marriage without any agreement, so I’ve insulted my wife and her lawyers as much as I can. My mate Boris told me that’s the best way to get what you want – which in my case is Continue reading

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OJ Simpson hopes to resume his career in murdering

“I can do a discount for two, if that helps.”

“I’m much too old for football” said OJ Simpson today “and with no more Naked Gun movies planned, I’m going back to something I’m really good at – killing folks.”

The terms of Simpson’s parole mean he has to find gainful employment, so the former sportsman and actor plans to resume taking other people’s lives.

“Obviously I can’t do more armed robberies, that’s why was in the slammer in the first place” said the actor twice nominated for the most wooden delivery  “but I’ve never been convicted of murder so that’s not off-limits.”

Simpson says the big adjustment for him now will be killing for money, rather than revenge, but others disagree with that assessment.

“I’ve seen his film work” said Harold’s own former Bond girl, Emilie Bourdain. “It may seem astonishing but he got paid for that shit and he’s certainly murdered a few scripts in his time.”

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Outrage as Bill Oddie revealed as BBC’s top earner

Owls of protest, but no egrets

There has been shock and anger from members of the public and other Goodies after the BBC revealed today that William “Bill” Oddie is its highest-paid performer, currently on £14 million per year despite not having had a BBC show since 2008.

Many people expected details of stars’ salaries to seem excessive, but few were prepared for the riches lavished on the lesser-spotted Oddie by a grateful BBC after a string of wildly successful bird-watching shows over the last 200 years.

BBC chairman  Sir David Clementi defended Oddie’s pay, insisting: “We love Bill. The public loves Bill, and quite frankly £14 million a year is nothing, if it stops him going off and making higher-budget bird-watching programmes for Amazon.”

Lifelong BBC fan Jeremy Clarkson admitted that Oddie was “value for money” after the raft of successes the performer has brought to the channel over the years.

“If I’m honest, Bill was the reason I left the old Beeb,” he admitted this morning. “I knew deep down I’d never be able to compete, he’s always going to be the top guy. Look at all the shows – The Goodies, Bananaman, all the bird-watching stuff, obviously, and that one where they were all nudists. Was that him, or Keith Chegwin?”

“I was always so jealous, he was always the one who got all the birds.”

Former Goodie Tim-Brooke Taylor refused to comment, saying only: “If he’s worth that, then I’m a teapot.”

“And I am a teapot.”

Posting on Twitter, a spokesperson for Bill Oddie played down the huge salary, insisting it was “chickenfeed”, before adding nervously: “No, really, that’s what he uses it for. I’ve tried to stop him.”

“It was worse when we thought he was funneling all the cash into a hedge fund. Turns out it was a hedge.”

 

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New Star Wars movie to feature first male Wookiee

We would.

Producers of the upcoming Star Wars film have shocked moviegoers with the news that, unlike in all the previous episodes, the next generation of the Wookiee character in The Last Jedi will be male.

Some have seen this as a brave move, given that the iconic “Chewie” character was, of course, a girl, with the typical female Wookiee’s menacing grunt, but many fans are disappointed that the producers have changed what was seen as a well-established tradition.

“I’m not sexist, but this is just inverse political correctness gone mad,” complained one fan. “Everyone knows Chewie was a girl. And good-looking. Er, for a Wookiee.”

“Well that’s my childhood ruined,” complained another fan. “Nowhere in the original movies does it say anywhere that Wookiees can be male. Some things you don’t mess with.”

“What next, a male R2-D2?”

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