Category Archives: News

Grayling will ‘take back control’ of East Coast Rail two years after referendum

Characteristically sincere smile

Chris Grayling says 24th June is a symbolic date to take over East Coast Rail and celebrate the anniversary of the EU referendum.

“During the referendum, we promised to start taking back control on 24th June and this is me delivering on that pledge” said Grayling adding, with characteristic sincerity, “I think you’ll agree we didn’t say which year. Or what we’d be taking control of.”

Mr Grayling has drawn on his experience as Justice Minister, where he developed the principles of selling off utilities for private profit. “The naysayers said it wouldn’t work but I’m not stupid.” he chuckled “The contracts allowed the government to bail out any contracts that ran into trouble. So it actually worked very well.”

“My work for … err with G4S and the tagging schemes taught me what I needed to know about bailing out railway companies and I can guarantee as soon as this railway thing is back into profit I’ll get those contracts out to tender again. That’s one in the eye for the EU, eh?”

Leave a Comment

Filed under EU referendum, News, Transport

Iain Duncan Smith: 270 breast-screening early deaths ‘chicken feed’

IDS laughs off a mere 270 early deaths as ‘chicken feed’

Former Tory party leader and well-known sociopath Iain Duncan Smith has laughed off as ‘chicken feed’ the two hundred and seventy NHS breast-screening patients whose lives may have been shortened by the incompetence of Jeremy Hunt.

“Two hundred and seventy? Over years, are you taking the piss?” chuckled IDS “When I was Head Honcho at DWP we’d hoover up that many before coffee and custard creams each morning, or I’d have my civil servants’ bollocks Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Health, News, NHS

Amber Rudd’s resigns to spend more time on her apologising

Happier times. Rudd actually holding on to her brief

Amber Rudd has resigned to focus on apologising for her performance as Home Secretary.

“Being Home Secretary and apologising for being useless at it are both full time roles.” said Rudd last night “I chose the apologising one, although to be honest I’m not very good at that, either. Sorry.”

Rudd hopes Continue reading

Comments Off on Amber Rudd’s resigns to spend more time on her apologising

Filed under News, Politics

Amber Rudd explains her cock-ups ‘I’ve no idea what I’m doing’

Not a clue “Hope that helps.”

Mobile catastrophe Amber Rudd says the reason her ministry is such a mess is that she hasn’t got a clue how it works. “Hope that helps.” she told the House of Commons this morning.

Ms Rudd was addressing the House in order to correct an impression she may have inadvertently given a select committee yesterday i.e. that she’s on top of her ministerial brief.

“After watching TV coverage of my evidence to the committee last night, I had a bit of a panic Continue reading

Comments Off on Amber Rudd explains her cock-ups ‘I’ve no idea what I’m doing’

Filed under News, Politics

Millionaire egotist crashes NHS, then lectures social media on morality

It’s    all    someone    else’s    fault

A multi-millionaire with no moral compass or sense of irony has given social media companies a damn good talking to about their social responsibilities.

Destroyer-of-worlds, Health and Social Care Secretary Jeremy Hunt, chose not to fund children’s mental health services properly, freeing him up to look elsewhere to explain the mismatch between Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under News, NHS, Social media

PM sorry if her Blacks Go Home policy was ‘somehow misunderstood’

‘Get out, get out, get out! How about a trade deal?

Theresa May has apologised to the heads of Caribbean countries because, for some weird reason, Home Office officials have implemented the policies of the last Home Secretary.

Mrs May was speaking at a meeting she’d been unable to squeeze into her schedule before an unfavourable Daily Mail editorial. “Let me be completely clear about this” began the PM, prompting officials to shuffle their feet and Amber Rudd to start up a dry-ice machine Continue reading

2 Comments

Filed under International News, News

After years of missed NHS standards, Jeremy Hunt is referred to parliamentary standards commissioner for not filling in a form

I’m a liar. I know it, you know it, you know that I know it. Fuck only knows how I get away with it, it’s a mystery.

Serial bungler Jeremy Hunt is finally being called to account by parliament. For his form-filling skills though, oddly enough.

Not for crashing the NHS into a wall, then backing up a hundred yards and having another go, then backing up a hundred yards and – well you probably get the picture.

“Compared to the ongoing NHS car-crash, even his marmalade work was brilliant. And that was a fucking disaster.” said a philosophical Harold woman, unlucky enough to have fallen seriously ill in March, who is still in the waiting room at Dunstable Royal Infirmary.

“I’ve bought a raffle ticket for a trolley berth and hope to get a corridor spot by the summer. Fingers crossed!”

“It’s good to know that Mr Hunt’s form-filling is coming under scrutiny though. It’s important that politicians know they can’t get away with being incompetent liars.”

1 Comment

Filed under News, NHS, Politics

Pardew says he ‘would consider’ underperforming with another new club

What are your chances of managerial success, Alan?

Perennial managerial failure and Babel Fish in human form, Alan Pardew, believes his work with West Bromwich Albion is complete, so he’s prepared to think about sending another team plummeting into the Championship next season.

“I’ve done all that I can to ensure the Baggies go down so, with nothing left to do here it’s time I moved on to find another club looking to get into the Championship.”

“Admittedly most of those clubs will be in League One at the moment but I’ve always approached things from another perspective. My dream is to take a Premier League club all the way to League Two but very few clubs have the vision to see that through”

“I’m looking for a team, battered by their current useless manager and thus with low expectations.” said Pardew “So it’s either West Ham or, if they still remember me from the last time I was there, it’ll have to be Everton.”

“Have I been there yet?”

Comments Off on Pardew says he ‘would consider’ underperforming with another new club

Filed under News, Sport

UK citizens urged to cut off noses to take control of their face

Suppositories in human form

Jacob Rees-Mogg and Nigel Farage have urged everybody in the UK to cut off their noses to take control of their face.

Rees-Mogg explains that noses are a wasteful European body part as it duplicates the role of breathing in and out which is already done perfectly well by the British mouth.

“Why bother having noses just because those Europeans do? To smell you say? That makes no sense” said Rees-Mogg.
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Brexit, News

Tables turn as HMRC accused of tax dodge

cash

A typical wad of cash.

HMRC’s accounts have come under scrutiny by EU tax officials, who allege jiggery-pokey and unpaid duties.

Clothing imports from China have been grossly undervalued in HMRC’s books, claims the EU, demanding £2.4bn in extra tax.

HMRC say they have a problem accessing the data just now, as unfortunately their dog ate the USB memory stick and the back-up drive has been mislaid in a snowdrift.  They’re trying to get copies of their bank statements but the internet is a bit unreliable round their way and mail doesn’t always get through in bad weather.

Harold builder Herbert Fork, who’s been done for tax a few times, says he offers his sympathies to HMRC.

“I know what you go through when you get turned over by the VAT man,” he empathised.

“I just hope they don’t nearly have a heart attack during the investigation and that it can get sorted within a couple of years and not drag on and on until they’ve almost lost the will to live. You’ve got to feel for them.”

Comments Off on Tables turn as HMRC accused of tax dodge

Filed under Around Harold, Business, Economy, News

PM: Conservative land-banking policy is ‘completely different’ from Labour land-banking policy

“I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.” [did I say that out loud?]

Theresa May has confirmed that her government’s innovative plan to force property developers to develop property is nothing like Labour’s discredited socialist plan to force property developers to develop property.

“Nothing has changed, nothing has changed.” insisted the PM, before being re-booted by her adviser.

“Labour’s ridiculous out-of-touch plans, which we cut and pasted into our strategy document yesterday, bore no resemblance to our shiny new Continue reading

Comments Off on PM: Conservative land-banking policy is ‘completely different’ from Labour land-banking policy

Filed under Housing, News

UK astonished that the Daily Mail has been lying about Jeremy Corbyn

Next week we’re going with him personally sinking the Belgrano

Paul Dacre, who edits the Daily Mail and pretends to be a journalist, is trying to make up for all the lies he didn’t tell about Jeremy Corbyn in the 2017 election campaign.

“I’ve had to learn to forgive myself.” said a tearful Dacre “So many chances to commission a hatchet job so mendacious it would see a trainee hack kicked off any decent course.”

“If I’d thought he was going to popular with voters I’d have taken one or two more LSD tabs for inspiration Continue reading

Comments Off on UK astonished that the Daily Mail has been lying about Jeremy Corbyn

Filed under Media, News

Theresa May on tuition fees ‘We must find who’s to blame’

Hoping for divine inspiration on who to blame [use the mirror, Theresa]

The Prime Minister has called for whoever is to blame for eye-watering University tuition fees to be brought to book, named and shamed.

“Our tuition fees are amongst the highest in the world and someone must be responsible.” said a woman who voted through every single one of  the austerity measure of the idiot Continue reading

Comments Off on Theresa May on tuition fees ‘We must find who’s to blame’

Filed under Education, News

Trump slams mentally ill for not condemning ‘mentally ill’ gunman

“Psychopaths, we need to hear from you too.” says the President

Using his well-known medical superpowers, Donald Trump has diagnosed the perpetrator of the Parkland shooting as being white and thus mentally ill.

From there, the President swiftly moved on to criticise other mentally ill people for not appearing in front of a battery of hundreds of cameras, on nationwide TV, to condemn the slaughter “committed by one of their Continue reading

Comments Off on Trump slams mentally ill for not condemning ‘mentally ill’ gunman

Filed under News

Village chubber ‘shocked’ to find that cakes and crisps might be unhealthy

We all love a cake but maybe no more than two or three a day

A villager is shocked by finding that a diet of cake, crisps, and chicken nuggets, washed down with full-sugar cola, has been linked to an increased risk of cancer.

“I feel a bit let down, to be frank.” said William McKean, Harold’s fattest man and star of the documentary Help! My Liver is the size of a Dog. “I was happy to risk heart attack, stroke, diabetes, amputation, and breathlessness, but other than that I was pretty sure Continue reading

Comments Off on Village chubber ‘shocked’ to find that cakes and crisps might be unhealthy

Filed under Around Harold, breaking news, Health, News

Man, who only ever gives to Lotto, ‘won’t give to Oxfam now.’

Sorting it out themselves could have been like a team-building day

A man who rarely puts his hand is his pocket, even if it’s his round, has vowed that after their prostitute scandal, he’ll not give to Oxfam.

“I never have done, funnily enough, which I feel justified about now, but I might have done.” said Alec Fairchild “So perhaps they should think through what this scandal has cost them.”

“I’ll stick to Lotto.” said Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold. “You know where your money’s going with Lotto. Not just Directors’ bonuses. Lots of good causes which government won’t pay for because people like me don’t want to pay taxes to fund no end of things such as cancer research Continue reading

Comments Off on Man, who only ever gives to Lotto, ‘won’t give to Oxfam now.’

Filed under charity, News

Men: ‘It’s been a hundred years now, can you stop banging on about equality’

THREE women on Breakfast TV at the same time? This way madness lies

Men who seldom vote other than on X Factor have said ‘what everyone else is thinking’ which is that we’ve all had enough of women moaning about equality. Apparently.

Broadcast media, newspapers, and the Daily Mail have marked the centenary of some women getting the vote by using mostly women presenters and journalists, highlighting the lack of equality on the other 36,500 days since, give or take Continue reading

Comments Off on Men: ‘It’s been a hundred years now, can you stop banging on about equality’

Filed under News, Politics

Car crashes distance themselves from Theresa May’s government

‘Look out, May’s about!” Anyone else hearing a screech of brakes and tyres?

A spokesman for Britain’s car crashes has objected to them being linked to Mrs May’s government, claiming that the comparisons are unfairly bringing car crashes into disrepute.

“It’s just lazy journalism.” said Jeff Trundle “Why not use plane crash, war zone, or a zombie apocalypse? All much more apt but no. Car crash is all we ever read about, just after Theresa May gets out of bed each morning and starts working her way through that day’s list of cock ups.”

“What is often overlooked, Continue reading

2 Comments

Filed under Media, News, Politics

IDS: ‘leaked Brexit reports don’t include value of unicorn sh*t’

I was right, tens of thousands died

Fierce self-flagellator Iain Duncan Smith says findings in a leaked government report are flawed, as they don’t factor in revenues from unicorn shit, which will form the basis of a vibrant post-brexit economy.

Duncan Smith was responding to leaked government reports which suggest the UK economy will be wrecked by Brexit “All government forecasts are inaccurate” chuckled the former Tory leader “I read lots which said thousands would die as a result of my reforms at DWP but I knew they were wrong. And I was proved right, tens of thousands died. Admittedly, it might have been more but Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Brexit, News

Jacob Rees-Mogg: ‘Kyle Edmund would have won if he’d been more upbeat’

‘Everyone needs someone to look up to – for me it’s me’

Jacob Rees-Mogg thinks if David Davis’ team was more upbeat they’d be more successful, in the same way that Kyle Edmund would have beaten Marin Čilić in straight sets if he’d just been a bit more positive. “That’s how things work”, he said.

Embodiment of all that’s wrong with inherited wealth, MP Rees-Mogg did nothing else but shuffle cash around, before landing a plum Tory seat but now likes to spend his time counting his private income and telling everyone else what they should think, Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Brexit, EU referendum, News, Politics