Category Archives: News

Labour Party to be humanely destroyed

Old, grey and lacking vision . Not quite Grand National form

Buckingham Palace has confirmed that the Labour Party will be humanely destroyed on 9th March, the day after John McDonnell makes a toe-clenchingly embarrassing response to the Budget.

“Her Majesty has found it painful to watch her loyal opposition wheezing along, broken winded, lame, and without its guide dog” said a Palace spokesman, who agreed that the decision to put it out of its misery should probably have been taken earlier.

“Labour’s looked on its last legs, on and off for ten years, so I suppose everyone assumed it would recover,” he explained, with a wry smile, “which does seems rather foolish now, when you say it out loud.”

Hopes that a home might have been found at The Horses Trust in Buckinghamshire were dashed when the Trust advised they were unable to accept donkeys.

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Evening Harold banned from White House press briefing for allegedly reporting ‘fake news’

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Chain of thought.

As the White House bans news organisations from their press briefing, The Evening Harold Speaks.

The latest twist in President Donald Gump’s hate campaign against the media has seen The Evening Harold banned from an informal press briefing held by the president’s pet chihuaha, Sean Spicer.

We take this slight very seriously. The Evening Harold’s reputation as a trusted outlet for breaking the news stories other organisations are too afraid to cover is world renowned.

Who else brought you news of McDonalds’ plans to replace ketchup with orangutan blood? Of the demand by badgers for a cull of humans to stop the spread of ebola? Of the hoard of apostrophes left by Grammar Nazis under a Polish mountain? Or of course the tragic life of snooker great John Virgo, still sadly living under that bridge?

As Kim Jong-un once said “To gag the freedom of the press is to allow dictators free reign to stamp all over democracy and personal liberties”. Although admittedly he was giggling and rubbing his chubby little hands at the time.

We must protest. We must stand up for our liberties. We must demand our right to speak. We must grumble most ardently about the state of things these days. What is the world coming to? It so wasn’t like this in our day, was it? Tch!

Unless we want to see civilisation descend into utter chaos once again, as it did under the brutal and sadistic regimes of Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin and Blair; we must fight for our right to be heard.

The Evening Harold will always be here to stand up for truth and decency. To expose corruption; to irk the tyrant; to chafe at the reigns of bondage; to vex the despot; to peeve the oppressor and to stick one right up President Twunt and his bully boy buddies.

Next time he tries a stunt like this, we’ll just make up something really nasty about him instead.

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Paul Nuttall denies being UKIP leader

Oh, yes I am leader of that UKIP. I thought you meant the other UKIP

Paul Nuttall has no idea how claims that he was leader of UKIP, ‘The Friendly Face of Racism’, appeared on his website. “Wasn’t me.” he said “Prove it.”

Nuttall blamed a ‘press officer’ for other, more believable claims; that he’d scored the winning goal in the 1966 World Cup final, held a PhD from John Lennon University and been awarded the Nobel Prize in Theoretical Physics, for work on limits to people fitting into a finite place. Continue reading

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BBC’s Panorama shows Prison Chaos following death of Grouty

Grouty discusses aspects of the ‘Prison Works’ philosophy

Tonight’s Panorama is set to shock as undercover footage of drug use and lack of control is rampant just 8 weeks after the death of “Mr Big” Grouty.

Standards took a dip in the late 1980’s when hardline warder Mr MacKay was moved to take control of the offshore category A Fraggle Rock following the escape of Sean Connery. However order was soon regained as power swung to Grouty, controlling affairs with old school bribery and unspeakable violence. Continue reading

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Office worker hides hatred of her ‘awful’ colleagues with generous leaving gifts

“If he sneezes in my Merlot, he’s a dead man.”

A Harold woman has admitted to spending a ridiculous amount of time and money on her colleague’s retirement, even though she can’t stand him.

Marian Smith, a secretary at Harold Bus Company, said that she has always found account manager Mick Walker to be “unrelentingly irritating”, thanks to his tuneless whistling, theatrically loud sneezes, and bad impressions.

“He’s always done that policeman from Allo Allo” said Marian, “which grates a bit after the 50th ‘good moaning’. But since Trump was elected he’s been saying “I’m gonna build a wall….” and “its gonna be yuge” Continue reading

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“Someone must be responsible for this NHS chaos” says Jeremy Hunt

“Come on, who’s to blame?”

Moral vacuum in an expensive suit marred by a condescending, inappropriate NHS lapel badge, Jeremy Hunt, will launch an enquiry into the crisis afflicting hospitals up and down the country.

Speaking exclusively to the BBC, Mr Hunt first winked then, as the cameras started filming, he sobbed “I can’t help thinking that someone must be responsible for this utter shambles.”

Holding a sliced onion just off-camera, MrHunt wiped tears from his cheeks and sniffled “You know, an individual, an actual person, probably a Junior Doctor or whoever was the last Labour Health Secretary, Continue reading

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Salvation Army band splits due to musical differences.

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Mildred Fishbourne with the ’68 Salvation Army posse.

Veterans of the Harold Salvation Army band are frantically searching for new members after the entire percussion section quit in an acrimonious dispute over the future direction of the group.

Lead triangle player Mildred Fishbourne, the last original member from the classic 1968 ‘Godstock’ line up, has long harboured a desire to take the band in a more ‘Hippety Hoppity’ direction.

“One can’t stand still forever” said Mrs Fishbourne over a hot buttered crumpet. “The Saints Go Marching In has been a great success for the band over the years, but we haven’t had a major hit like that since The Floral Dance in the mid 70’s”.

“If we’re going to keep the fan base happy we need to modernise. That’s why we’ve decided to split away and form a new 30 piece woodwind and brass ensemble based around the Gangsta Rap genre”.

Meanwhile bassoonist Edward Cotterell, spokesman for the more conservative traditionalists within the band has been speaking out about the dispute.

“Of course we all want to remain relevant in an increasingly cynical world” he opined, “but when we were forced to play 50 cent’s ‘Wanksta’ at last week’s village bring and buy sale, that really was the biscuit”.

Divisions within the band seem irreparable. With the departure of such an important section of the traditional band, Salvation Army leaders have been desperately trying to find replacements to fill the band’s remaining tour commitments.

Unfotunately it looks as though tonight’s concert at The Lavendar and Pea old folks’ home in Dunstable will have to be cancelled after the entire brass section were gunned down in a drive by shooting, carried out by the Presbyterian Choral Massiv.

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MND sufferer’s distress as he finds new Yorkshire accent is Geoffrey Boycott’s

“That’s brilliant is that.” Boycott listens to one of his own jokes

A man otherwise coping stoically with motor neurone disease has been plunged into despair, and finally driven to ask “Why me?” by the news he’ll be voiced by the legendary ar*ehole and cricket bore, Geoffrey Boycott.

Graham Cross from Yorkshire thought he’d get a nice synthesised Yorkshire voice, when the effects of MND rob him of the power of speech, but says he may now rely on a slate and chalk instead.

I’d hoped for Alan Bennett’s gentle, melodic burble. But it seems the NHS want me to have the grating tones of an arrogant, whining Continue reading

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M5 repairs will last forever, “or… could we do some work on it?” asks Grayling

Crying out for the rigours of the tax haven

Highways England say roadworks on the M5 near Worcester could last another decade or more, as they’ve only had one man working there since October 2015.

“Mostly he picks up crisp packets and condoms discarded by commuters stuck in traffic.” said a ministry spokeswoman “On a slack day, he polishes the ‘Thank you for driving carefully signs’.”

Building on his experience of buggering up the Justice system, Chris Grayling hopes to repeat the trick in Transport, by splitting the M5 into separate parts, Continue reading

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Man’s colleagues ‘not remotely interested’ in his new Golf GT

We get confused between GT, GTi, and GiT

Colleagues of Alec Fairchild no longer even look up when, unprompted, he raises vital issues such as his VW Golf’s 0-60 times.

“Did I tell you it’s the GT model?” he asks most days, whilst his co-workers stare fixedly at their computers.

Fairchild, a pub bore from Harold, likes to share the burden of his condition with people at work, who don’t have the option of suddenly remembering an urgent appointment Continue reading

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Jacob Rees-Mogg now an expert on everything, says Jacob Rees-Mogg

Jacob about to critique the pointing on this Cotswold stone wall

Condescending prick, Jacob Rees-Mogg, probably spoiled yesterday, for you as well as for us, by oiling his way round TV and Radio studios, instead of actually doing the job we pay him for.

As an MP, Rees-Mogg has no set hours or duties so, instead of working on some constituency business, he feels entitled to swan around news and current affairs studios from dawn to dusk.

Early risers heard him on Radio 4’s ‘Today’, whilst it was still dark, both outside your house and inside Rees- Mogg’s heart, and he was still Continue reading

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Travel agent sells Brexiter a package holiday to Xenophobia

A Dunstable travel agent asked to recommend a Greek island with lots of British food and beer and no foreigners cheekily suggested ‘Xenophobia’ only for her client to adamantly suggest he wanted to go there.

“It was a mess all of my own making” admitted Sarah from Thomson. “When he asked how far it is from Luton to Xenophobia, I shouldn’t have said ‘surprisingly close’.”
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Boris Johnson ‘is sure’ Europe is still fine with WW2 analogies

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I’m going as Winston Churchill next month

The UK’s embarrassing Foreign Secretary says EU countries are delighted to be pejoratively linked to the second World War.

Having previously got away with comparing EU ambitions with those of Hitler, Boris Johnson has tried out another one by warning the French not to give the UK “punishment beatings” for Brexit “in the manner of some World War Two movie”.

“That’ll be fine.” said the entitled old Etonian, when questioned about the wisdom of such comments with EU goodwill at a premium.

“Johny foreigner love a bit of Boris Banter. Last week I walked into the EU Foreign Affairs meeting with my hands cupped over my eyes. Like this – see, goggles – humming the Dam Busters March. Continue reading

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Dr Evil complains he can’t hold world to ransom when people prefer him to Trump

“I can’t even extort one frickin’ million dollars”

Dr Evil announced his retirement saying it’s no longer possible to make a living by threatening to take control of the world when people prefer that to Donald Trump being in charge.

“It’s frickin’ ridiculous, I finally develop a foolproof plan to take over the world and I can’t even get a ransom of ten thousand dollars let alone one million” said Dr Evil. “People just smile at me and say ‘better the Dr Evil you know’, and ask if I’ll pose for a photo with them.”
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‘Hunt quits’ joy turns to despair. It’s Tristram, not Jeremy

Tristram2

He’s the academic Hunt, rather than the demonic Hunt

A nation’s joy vanished today, as it emerged that it was Labour’s Tristram Hunt who had quit Westminster, not his namesake, the scourge of the NHS, Jeremy.

Up and down the country, shoppers and shopkeepers alike were wreathed in smiles and total strangers greeted one another like long-lost friends, then the gloom descended like a blanket.

“Do you remember watching Felipe Massa’s dad when he thought his son had won the title in 2008, but then found it had gone to Lewis Hamilton?” asked one villager in Harold today. “It was like that, only Continue reading

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Police: Amber Rudd’s speech was a ‘hate incident’, not a ‘hate crime’, as it was made by Amber Rudd

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“I’M NO XENOPHOBE BUT …”

Police say Amber Rudd’s nasty 2016 conference speech is not being treated as a crime because, “Duh. Hello? Because she’s our boss, stupid”.

“No, we’ve recorded it as a hate incident instead” said a West Midlands Police spokesperson “which means no crime investigation, and no interview under caution for our guvnor. Anything else we can help you with? Must go now as I’ve got an appointment with the Home Office to discuss Police pay and conditions.” Continue reading

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NHS renames itself Bank of NHS and secures immediate government bail out

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Ker-ching!

Little wooden puppet in hell’s own version of Pinocchio, Jeremy Hunt, has today announced that the newly named Bank of NHS will be bailed out to the tune of £850 billion effective immediately. Continue reading

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Hunt caught out by winter coming just 12 months after the last one

The Prime Minister Considers His First Cabinet Reshuffle

The last winter was just 12 months ago, who knew there’d be another so soon?

Jeremy Hunt says the current NHS crisis is due to a freak meteorological event, known to scientists as ‘winter’.

The hapless health secretary, floundered around various TV studios yesterday, so that journalists and Piers Morgan could take turns to twat him with facts.

“I, err, don’t want to blind you with science” stammered Mr Hunt “but, ahem … ‘Winter is caused by the axis of the Earth in that hemisphere being oriented away from the Sun [3]’. Continue reading

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Plans to cut NHS bed-blocking by increasing death-rate ‘a bit behind schedule’ admits Hunt

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“Just a few cold snaps and they’ll be dropping like flies. Fingers crossed.”

Jeremy Hunt admits the mild winter has played havoc with his planned cash-flow patient-throughput.

“We can usually count on a couple of cold snaps by early January, and for the past few years, the Iain Duncan Smith effect,” said the failed marmalade salesman “which clears a lot of the deadwood out of the system. Plus, it frees up housing stock, most of it quite shabby. Which is good for Wickes, B&Q and DIY SOS.”

“Anyway, it’s what I like to call win-win. Like winning a general election, followed by Jeremy Corbyn winning the Labour leadership election. Which seems to be how I manage to get away with this. I still have to pinch myself from time to time, but it’s true. Amazing isn’t it?”

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DWP on MS woman’s lost benefits “if she could squeeze a thumb, why not a trigger & work as a killer?”

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The name’s Green, Damian Green: licenced to harass

Outraged DWP assessors found that Mel Wiseman, a woman with MS, had rejected work as an internationaal assassin, despite being able to grip someone’s thumb.

“She was assessed last year as a malingerer, who might have taken any number of jobs.” said Damian Green, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions.

“Scalextric test driver, banana ripeness officer or, with her specialist Continue reading

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