Category Archives: News

Explorer begs wife’s forgiveness for being rescued by the Daily Mail

Grrrrr ……

Explorer Benedict Allen has said sorry to his wife for the indignity of being rescued in Papua New Guinea by the Daily Mail.

Appalling hate-mongers at the Daily Mail had hired a helicopter to cash-in on the disappearance of Benedict Allen, hoping that it’s appalling editor Paul Dacre might yet sneak into the New Year’s Honours list.

On learning that he was being rescued by the Daily Mail, Mr Allen (57), exclaimed: ‘I can’t believe it. Hell’s bells, the f-cking Mail? F-ck off!’ Continue reading

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Brexit deadline: David Davis ‘actively considering’ working second day a week

I’ve conceded hobnobs but expect tariff-free trade at least

With Brexit talks at a critical stage, David Davis is even thinking about putting in an extra shift each week until next month.

“I’m willing to do the job I’m paid to do, on anything up to two days a week, but only for the short term.”

“I won’t say exactly how long for, as I don’t want to reveal my hand.” said a toga-wearing Davis, speaking from a chaise longue in his London office, whilst being fed peeled grapes Continue reading

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Facebook ridiculed after banning innocent ‘robin’ Christmas cards

Cock Robin

There were red faces at internet giant Facebook today after it emerged that an artist’s perfectly innocent Christmas card picture had been banned because of its “sexual” and “adult” nature.

The artist, Harold village resident Charlie Jacks, said she “could not stop laughing” when she discovered the reason the social media company would not approve the product last month.

The bird, with its distinctive red breast and bulging testicles, was one of three completely innocent designs painted by Jacks of animals in the snow for the set. The others were a tawny owl and a female badger with an enormous pair of tits you could rest your pint on.

But Facebook blocked what it perceived as an “adult item” after the artist attempted to upload the image to her Haroldcraft page.

A spokesperson for Facebook admitted that the algorithms used to identify adult content were not infallible, and that false positives would occasionally slip through the net.

“We had a similar thing last year, when pictures of Michael Gove were being rejected,” he explained.

“But that was because he really is a cunt.”

 

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Turkeys seek transitional period to avoid hard Christmas

“We’re prepared to admit we made a mistake”

Turkeys have had second thoughts about voting for Christmas and now seek a lengthy transitional period to fatten up in peace.

“To be honest, I’m not sure we thought through the implications of voting for Christmas” said turkey spokesman Kevin Sainsbury.

“Too many turkeys just blindly believed the Christmaser’s promise of an extra 250 million pounds without stopping to consider we’d have to give an arm and a leg in return, and probably a breast too.”
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As Cabinet haemorrhages continue, Larry the Downing Street cat put on standby

Larry is expected to jump at the chance

With yet another hapless minister being shown the door, Larry the Downing Street cat is standing by, in the expectation that he’ll get a Cabinet post later this week.

The PM hopes that Larry will help dispose of some of the larger rats before they abandon the sinking ship. “He’s not actually very good at it” admitted press secretary James Slack “but then again David Davis and Jeremy Hunt haven’t set the bar very high.”

“Larry’s a safe pair of paws though,” insists Slack “used to shitting in public, then half-heartedly trying to cover it up, so he should fit in well with Boris Continue reading

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British weather finally admits it just likes messing with us

That’ll learn you for blaming me for stiff joints & bad tv reception. Twats.”

After several months in which temperatures have fluctuated wildly between unseasonably warm and freezing, with added storms, gale force winds, fog, and torrential rain, the British weather has confirmed what many of us thought: it’s mucking about “for shits and giggles”.

“Over the years, I’ve come to realise that I’m being blamed for loads of stuff that’s not really my fault” said the weather. “Traffic jams, power cuts, crop failures, rises in the cost of house insurance. It started to piss me off. You need to take some responsibility for your own poor infrastructure and Continue reading

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Tory whip writes to home-schooling parents about their Brexit lesson plans

Chris managed to beat off rivals to secure a post with the family firm.

Tory MP, whip and all-round know-it-all Chris Heaton-Harris, has written to all home-schooling parents, asking them to send him copies of their lesson plans, with particular reference to Brexit.

“There’s no hurry,” says Heaton-Harris “but shall we say next Monday at the latest? As half-term actually ends on Friday afternoon.”

The popular government whip likes people to justify their position in society and has written to all the nation’s educators, partly because time hangs heavy on his hands as an MP but mostly because Continue reading

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Road resurfacing chippings to be sponsored by windscreen replacement industry

Ouch A nice little earner.

From 2018, all tar and stone chipping resurfacing will be paid for by the UK’s windscreen replacement businesses.

“We’re just formalising the setup that’s worked for years where, instead of government paying an extra £300 per day for a road roller, motorists happily sacrifice their cars’ bodywork and windscreens.”  said Transport Secretary Chris Grayling, one of the few MPs who can make Iain Duncan Smith seem Continue reading

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Government reveals £10bn “Help to buy Election” scheme

Signs of the times. Come on, get moving!

After finally tracking down the magic money tree in the back garden of 10 Downing Street, the government believes what the housing market really needs is not, as idiots might think, more homes but an injection of cash into the market to help home owners, like your gran, feel happier as prices rise.

“But it’s not just elderly Daily Mail readers who’ll benefit from a £10bn boost in house price inflation,” said Theresa May “No, some Continue reading

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David Davis asks “Is it time to reveal my hand yet?”

“‘Reveal my hand’, I don’t even know what that means. Help me.”

David Davis will ask around the Tory conference today and see if it’s the right time to reveal his hand.

“I’ve never actually played poker but ‘not revealing my hand’ sounds macho, a bit James Bond-ish, so when people started asking me about Brexit I kept trotting it out. I really ought to find out what it means.”

“The name’sh Davish, David Davish. How’s the accent?” said Continue reading

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New UKIP leader vows to stay on until Christmas, “with a little bit of luck”

Phew, Bolton remembers to use his left arm when saluting the troops

Henry Bolton has seen off the challenge of better-known racists to become UKIP leader.

He says he’ll hang on until 2018 if at all possible and if his luck’s in, dashing hopes there’d be enough leaders within 12 months to form a five-a-side charity football team.

What do we know about Henry Bolton? Born in Kenya [are you sure? check this before publishing Ed.], Bolton moved to Britain to study but quickly realised other immigrants might want to compete Continue reading

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Michael O’Leary explains regulations breach “We don’t give a shit.”

Always getting better, at being shits

Michael O’Leary says Ryanair’s lying to passengers should be seen in the light of the company not giving a shit about them.

“When you put our behaviour in context it all makes sense. I don’t see what all the fuss is about. I don’t give a shit, Ryanair doesn’t give a shit, it’s all entirely consistent. Why is that so hard to understand?”

Harold teaching assistant, Carly Jeffery is a Ryanair customer whose flight was cancelled at short notice. “The next flight they could book me on is in January but as I was going to my mother’s funeral Continue reading

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“Yes, this is exactly how I hoped things would work out” says May

“there are plenty of similar motivational initiatives in the pipeline”

The PM believes massive US tariff hikes are a welcome incentive for UK industry to work harder.

“I’ve already phoned President Trump to thank him for implementing the agreement we made during my visit.” said Mrs May “He’s assured me there are plenty of similar motivational initiatives in the pipeline**.

“So that’s all good. The President calls it the ‘Bend over and touch your toes, this might smart a bit’ approach, Continue reading

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AfD leader quits in protest against AfD

Frauke Petry. She’s off to invade Poland

The leader of German right-wing AfD has quit the party after finding it’s a loose coalition of hate-spewing racists.

“My suspicions were first aroused when Nigel Farage turned up at one of our rallies” said Frauke Petry “but I was too busy Continue reading

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After Rio Ferdinand, clamour grows for Michael Gove to take up boxing

Come on, we’d all pay to see that

As yet another celebrity turns to pugilism after retirement, a movement is growing for Michael Gove to take up the noble art.

“Thousands would pay to watch Michael Gove punched around a boxing ring.” said George Tredinnick a homeopath from Harold “In fact, there’s thousands who’d pay to do the punching. I know I would. And I’m a pacifist.”

With the online game ‘Slap Michael Gove’ being a runaway success, Continue reading

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Jeremy Hunt “still not dead”

He’d just gone in for a service, oil change and replacement NHS badge

Despite not appearing on the news for 24 hours, Jeremy Hunt is still not dead.

“I haven’t heard anything about him for over a day now,” said Harold’s Ærndís Vigfusson, a nurse at Dunstable Royal Infirmary yesterday “so of course my hopes have begun to rise.”

Those hopes were cruelly dashed however, after it emerged that Hunt had simply been into Conservative Central Office for a service, an oil change, and a replacement NHS badge; Continue reading

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May: compared to £1.5bn DUP bribe, £140m for a general election “a bargain”

20,000 homes or another period in office? Tough call

Responding to critics who claim the election costs could have funded 4000 teachers, Theresa May says £140m was “chicken feed”, compared to £1.5bn handed to people less welcome on your doorstep than Jehovah’s Witnesses, Continue reading

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Sex robots now so realistic they won’t sleep with the men who buy them

“Roxxxy said ‘fuck off loser’ the moment she saw me”

The technology of sex robots has improved so much they now won’t sleep with the sad losers that buy them.

Inventor Doug Hines said he knew he’d developed a life-like sex robot when Roxxxy took one look at him and said “fuck off you sad, bald, loser, I wouldn’t sleep with you if you were the last man on earth”.
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Twitchy Tories offer police and prison officers bribe before it all kicks off

Give it a few months and this is what’ll be like every time you nip down the shops

As the government steers Brexit with all the skill of a cow attempting to land a Lockheed Martin F-35 Lighting II on the deck of a storm-tossed aircraft carrier at midnight it has decided to give police and prison officers more money. Continue reading

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Call for tougher border controls on Tony Blair coming back into the UK

Happier times, when he was out of the country

Tony Blair’s call for tougher rules on EU migration has been met by calls for tougher rules on him coming in and out of the UK, especially the coming in bit.

Mr Blair has written an article in the Sunday Times, after downloading a PhD thesis on the EU and copying out all the parts which back his own view, only in a different font. Sadly this has been reported across all media, together with pictures of The Great Leader, spoiling breakfast for millions around the country.

An online petition, calling for Blair’s passport to be revoked the next time he strays beyond territorial waters, had gained 900,000 signatures by 9am this morning.

“Brexit wil be the biggest shit-fest for the UK since world war two, only this time the US won’t be bailing us out.” said Carly Jeffery, a teaching assistant at St Mary’s in Harold. “Imagine the Captain of the Titanic backing it up after the crash, then taking a second run at the iceberg. Like that but worse.”

“I voted remain, because I don’t believe in assisted suicide. Even so, every time I see Blair’s sanctimonious mug popping up on my TV, I’m tempted to join Ukip just to spite him.”

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