Help me, my career is going down the wazzoo
The serial-liar and self-publicist, Boris Johnson, has called on Theresa May to save his vaunting ambition to become Prime Minister by acceding to his ridiculous demands.
“Whiff-waff, whiff-whaff, ping-pong, fuzzy-wuzzy” said Johnson, addressing the House of Commons in a resignation speech this afternoon.
Whilst praising the PM’s resilience, he said that her Chequers plan would see his ambitions for high office in “miserable limbo. Which is apparently some dance done by blacks”. He explained, adding “I haven’t actually googled it.”
Johnson quit ten days ago, saying that he could not support a plan which didn’t involve him ending up as Prime Minister
The BBC said Mr Johnson’s friends were insisting he was not trying to emulate Sir Geoffrey Howe, whose caustic resignation speech in 1990 is widely seen as having paved the way for Margaret Thatcher’s downfall weeks later.
“No, Boris wants to be become Prime Minister Role by acclamation, ideally after being driven by chariot up The Mall throwing grapes to the assembled throng” said Brexiteer lunatic and Iain Duncan Smith stooge, Steve Baker MP.
“Do you want anyone beaten up?” said Johnson.
“No-one remembers who finished fourth”
England fans up and down the country are waking up this morning salivating at the prospect of Saturday’s playoff against Belgium to decide which team bags the highly-prized World Cup third place.
“No-one remembers who finished fourth,” explained manager Gareth Southgate. “That’s what I’ve told the lads, as if any extra motivation were needed.”
England’s failure in the 1990 third-place playoff remains a painful memory for the nation, and Saturday’s big game is a long-awaited chance to finally put the demons of missing out on the coveted bronze medal to rest.
“It’s like fourth, but one better,” clarified Southgate. “Which would STILL be our best result since 1966. So that makes it exciting and not a pathetic waste of time, right? Here come the Belgians, right?”
“Oh fuck,” he added. “I can’t do it anymore. Can’t we just fucking come home?”
Filed under News, World Cup
Tom Daley: been helping Dele Alli in training
The referee for tonight’s World Cup semi-final has warned all players that any diving will be punished by a yellow card.
“I know you’ve all been inspired by the amazing diving to rescue the Wild Boars football team,” said Cuneyt Cakir ahead of England v Croatia, “but don’t try to replicate it on the pitch tonight. Unless you’re the goal-keeper.”
“If you get sent off, it’ll be a problem of your own Croatian,” he warned. Continue reading
Hmm… Frying pan or Fire? They both seem so attractive
Theresa May’s Cabinet remains divided over which plan it will put forward to be rejected by the EU’s negotiating team, five minutes after they receive it.
David Davis, who still needs help with his shoe laces, is in favour of the Frying Pan option, arguing this will allow the country more time to arrange a smooth transition to the Fire, sometime after Brexit Day, 29th March 2019.
In contrast, Liam Fox, whose only business experience is negotiating cheap hotel deals for his best friend, is said to favour going straight into the Fire. “Then we can sell the Frying Pan on eBay to finance the NHS. I’ve never mentioned it before but I used to be a doctor Continue reading
Blah blah blah, Brexit. Blah blah blah Brexit. Blah blah blah …
Windbag and Question Time regular, the alcohol-pusher Tim Martin, plans to keep talking at his usual rate over the weekend, providing enough CO2 to power a thousand Wetherspoon pubs and most of the UK’s abattoirs.
Martin took a break from telling everyone how wonderful Brexit is going to be for him, his minimum-wage staff*, and the alcohol treatment sector, to explain how Continue reading
“Hmm… it’s worth a try, Spock.”
“China has been ripping us off with their steel and, if we’re not careful, they’ll have all the moon-cheese too,” said Trump. “That is why I have asked NASA to set up Space Patrol, to guard the intergalactic highways, to stop illegal aliens crossing Earth’s atmosphere and to protect against the theft of all the Kryptonite.”
Having recently travelled to N Korea to give the ‘jolly fat rocket-man’ an earful, Trump has developed a new taste for boldly going where no President has been before.
“I want NASA to fly me to Mars,” he said. “I’ve seen pictures of it and it definitely looks a bit red. You don’t need a degree in astrophysics to know what that means. And why are the Martians green? Are they naive climate-control freaks? It’s obvious to me they’re a threat and sooner or later they will invade. That’s why I need to get up there and do a deal with them.” Continue reading
Colin, escaping into soup’s sweet release
A crayfish who sacrificed its own limb to survive an encounter in a pub with a vociferous Brexit fan has become an online hero.
Footage shows Colin the crustacean wedged in at the bar next to a tweed-suited Nigel Farage wannabe, before detaching one of its own claws to make a bid for freedom.
At first the tasty shellfish can be seen trying to deflect his assailant with a combination of uncomfortable body language and grunting, but the right-winger‘s first use of the phrase “political correctness gone mad” was enough to convince it that the loss of a claw was a small price to pay.
As the sounds of “I’m not racist, but some of them…” rang behind it, the crayfish hobbled quickly into the pub kitchen, seeking the back door and a handy stream behind the building. It was only to find itself trapped again when Mr Brexit, apparently oblivious to its discomfort, followed it into the kitchen and began extolling the mercantile opportunities of the Commonwealth.
At this point the crayfish realised the only option left to it was to hop into the boiling pan of soup bubbling on the stove, thus ending its torment forever.
Mystified, the Brexit lover returned to the bar to widen his audience, only to be surprised by a stampede of customers also rushing for the kitchen to dive into the sweet release of death by boiling.
More aesthetically pleasing and aerodynamic than Harley originals
In the wake of Donald Trump’s new steel tariffs, retaliatory action is expected which could restrict the import of Harley-Davidson two-wheeled, agricultural behemoths.
However, JCB, the well-known maker of earth-moving equipment, is ready to fill the gap.
“Owners will first have to get used to the reduced noise and increased power of a stationary diesel engine, something like a small scavenge pump, before moving on to the real thing.” said JCB’s Sales Manager Jan Pickford, who outlined what ‘the real thing’ might involve.
“For the prototype, we sliced a JCB digger down the middle, front to back, Continue reading
Anyone got a tissue? I was thinking of sacking poor people and ooohh …”
Perennial arsehole, Chris Grayling says he won’t resign in the wake of the catastrophic meltdown of the rail system because “some big boys did it and ran away”.
“It’s not my fault” said the front-bench arsehole, whose management of the criminal justice system was so appalling that his replacement, Michael Gove seemed like a breath of enlightened fresh air. [Look, we can’t do everything for you; just google ‘Chris Grayling, Minister of Justice’ and see for yourselves. Best have a large gin to hand when you do so, unless it’s after 2pm when you can have a quadruple.]
Grayling’s survival in the cabinet led many to believe he has the negatives from Theresa May’s pornographic bio-pic “Give it to me Big Boy” which charted her otherwise inexplicable rise to the highest public office in the land.
“Trust me” said Grayling, who one claimed parliamentary expenses for a property only stumbling-distance from the House of Commons and a mere seventeen minutes by rail from his actual home. “I’m a Conservative.”
“Darling, the baby sitter’s here.” “Good God, tell him we’re not going out.”
Liam Fox has welcomed the imposition of swingeing tariffs on steel by the USA. “This is going very well and to plan” explained Fox, whose job is signing international trade deals but is actually only qualified to sign sick notes or prescriptions.
Fox insists on being addressed as ‘Doctor’, despite having no doctorate or current employment as a medic *.
To put that in perspective, imagine your gardener demanding to be addressed as ‘Officer’, because she worked for the Police twenty years ago.
Unsurprisingly Fox’s ego is one of the few wholly one-man-made structures visible from space. The utter, utter prick.
- His full title is, of course: “The disgraced former Defence Secretay, Liam Fox” [Thanks to Linda Roulston for correcting our oversight]
Or even from the tower of my stately home
Jacob Rees-Mogg remains hopeful that the UK Brexit sky-diving team will secure a no-parachute outcome. “What this country needs is to thud into the ground at 122mph. Like a sack of stone-ground organic flour dropped from the loft of a nicely restored, timber-framed, 17th Century Tithe Barn.” said Rees-Mogg.
“Or to use another analogy, say a 61 year-old woman wrapped in a duvet, accidentally falling from the roof of a five storey, Old Westminster mansion, recently bought by a man who definitely doesn’t want Continue reading
Characteristically sincere smile
Chris Grayling says 24th June is a symbolic date to take over East Coast Rail and celebrate the anniversary of the EU referendum.
“During the referendum, we promised to start taking back control on 24th June and this is me delivering on that pledge” said Grayling adding, with characteristic sincerity, “I think you’ll agree we didn’t say which year. Or what we’d be taking control of.”
Mr Grayling has drawn on his experience as Justice Minister, where he developed the principles of selling off utilities for private profit. “The naysayers said it wouldn’t work but I’m not stupid.” he chuckled “The contracts allowed the government to bail out any contracts that ran into trouble. So it actually worked very well.”
“My work for … err with G4S and the tagging schemes taught me what I needed to know about bailing out railway companies and I can guarantee as soon as this railway thing is back into profit I’ll get those contracts out to tender again. That’s one in the eye for the EU, eh?”
IDS laughs off a mere 270 early deaths as ‘chicken feed’
Former Tory party leader and well-known sociopath Iain Duncan Smith has laughed off as ‘chicken feed’ the two hundred and seventy NHS breast-screening patients whose lives may have been shortened by the incompetence of Jeremy Hunt.
“Two hundred and seventy? Over years, are you taking the piss?” chuckled IDS “When I was Head Honcho at DWP we’d hoover up that many before coffee and custard creams each morning, or I’d have my civil servants’ bollocks Continue reading
Filed under Health, News, NHS
Happier times. Rudd actually holding on to her brief
Amber Rudd has resigned to focus on apologising for her performance as Home Secretary.
“Being Home Secretary and apologising for being useless at it are both full time roles.” said Rudd last night “I chose the apologising one, although to be honest I’m not very good at that, either. Sorry.”
Rudd hopes Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
Not a clue “Hope that helps.”
Mobile catastrophe Amber Rudd says the reason her ministry is such a mess is that she hasn’t got a clue how it works. “Hope that helps.” she told the House of Commons this morning.
Ms Rudd was addressing the House in order to correct an impression she may have inadvertently given a select committee yesterday i.e. that she’s on top of her ministerial brief.
“After watching TV coverage of my evidence to the committee last night, I had a bit of a panic Continue reading
Filed under News, Politics
‘Get out, get out, get out! How about a trade deal?
Theresa May has apologised to the heads of Caribbean countries because, for some weird reason, Home Office officials have implemented the policies of the last Home Secretary.
Mrs May was speaking at a meeting she’d been unable to squeeze into her schedule before an unfavourable Daily Mail editorial. “Let me be completely clear about this” began the PM, prompting officials to shuffle their feet and Amber Rudd to start up a dry-ice machine Continue reading
I’m a liar. I know it, you know it, you know that I know it. Fuck only knows how I get away with it, it’s a mystery.
Serial bungler Jeremy Hunt is finally being called to account by parliament. For his form-filling skills though, oddly enough.
Not for crashing the NHS into a wall, then backing up a hundred yards and having another go, then backing up a hundred yards and – well you probably get the picture.
“Compared to the ongoing NHS car-crash, even his marmalade work was brilliant. And that was a fucking disaster.” said a philosophical Harold woman, unlucky enough to have fallen seriously ill in March, who is still in the waiting room at Dunstable Royal Infirmary.
“I’ve bought a raffle ticket for a trolley berth and hope to get a corridor spot by the summer. Fingers crossed!”
“It’s good to know that Mr Hunt’s form-filling is coming under scrutiny though. It’s important that politicians know they can’t get away with being incompetent liars.”
Filed under News, NHS, Politics
What are your chances of managerial success, Alan?
Perennial managerial failure and Babel Fish in human form, Alan Pardew, believes his work with West Bromwich Albion is complete, so he’s prepared to think about sending another team plummeting into the Championship next season.
“I’ve done all that I can to ensure the Baggies go down so, with nothing left to do here it’s time I moved on to find another club looking to get into the Championship.”
“Admittedly most of those clubs will be in League One at the moment but I’ve always approached things from another perspective. My dream is to take a Premier League club all the way to League Two but very few clubs have the vision to see that through”
“I’m looking for a team, battered by their current useless manager and thus with low expectations.” said Pardew “So it’s either West Ham or, if they still remember me from the last time I was there, it’ll have to be Everton.”
“Have I been there yet?”
Suppositories in human form
Jacob Rees-Mogg and Nigel Farage have urged everybody in the UK to cut off their noses to take control of their face.
Rees-Mogg explains that noses are a wasteful European body part as it duplicates the role of breathing in and out which is already done perfectly well by the British mouth.
“Why bother having noses just because those Europeans do? To smell you say? That makes no sense” said Rees-Mogg.