Category Archives: News

AfD leader quits in protest against AfD

Frauke Petry. She’s off to invade Poland

The leader of German right-wing AfD has quit the party after finding it’s a loose coalition of hate-spewing racists.

“My suspicions were first aroused when Nigel Farage turned up at one of our rallies” said Frauke Petry “but I was too busy Continue reading

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After Rio Ferdinand, clamour grows for Michael Gove to take up boxing

Come on, we’d all pay to see that

As yet another celebrity turns to pugilism after retirement, a movement is growing for Michael Gove to take up the noble art.

“Thousands would pay to watch Michael Gove punched around a boxing ring.” said George Tredinnick a homeopath from Harold “In fact, there’s thousands who’d pay to do the punching. I know I would. And I’m a pacifist.”

With the online game ‘Slap Michael Gove’ being a runaway success, Continue reading

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Jeremy Hunt “still not dead”

He’d just gone in for a service, oil change and replacement NHS badge

Despite not appearing on the news for 24 hours, Jeremy Hunt is still not dead.

“I haven’t heard anything about him for over a day now,” said Harold’s Ærndís Vigfusson, a nurse at Dunstable Royal Infirmary yesterday “so of course my hopes have begun to rise.”

Those hopes were cruelly dashed however, after it emerged that Hunt had simply been into Conservative Central Office for a service, an oil change, and a replacement NHS badge; Continue reading

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May: compared to £1.5bn DUP bribe, £140m for a general election “a bargain”

20,000 homes or another period in office? Tough call

Responding to critics who claim the election costs could have funded 4000 teachers, Theresa May says £140m was “chicken feed”, compared to £1.5bn handed to people less welcome on your doorstep than Jehovah’s Witnesses, Continue reading

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Sex robots now so realistic they won’t sleep with the men who buy them

“Roxxxy said ‘fuck off loser’ the moment she saw me”

The technology of sex robots has improved so much they now won’t sleep with the sad losers that buy them.

Inventor Doug Hines said he knew he’d developed a life-like sex robot when Roxxxy took one look at him and said “fuck off you sad, bald, loser, I wouldn’t sleep with you if you were the last man on earth”.
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Twitchy Tories offer police and prison officers bribe before it all kicks off

Give it a few months and this is what’ll be like every time you nip down the shops

As the government steers Brexit with all the skill of a cow attempting to land a Lockheed Martin F-35 Lighting II on the deck of a storm-tossed aircraft carrier at midnight it has decided to give police and prison officers more money. Continue reading

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Call for tougher border controls on Tony Blair coming back into the UK

Happier times, when he was out of the country

Tony Blair’s call for tougher rules on EU migration has been met by calls for tougher rules on him coming in and out of the UK, especially the coming in bit.

Mr Blair has written an article in the Sunday Times, after downloading a PhD thesis on the EU and copying out all the parts which back his own view, only in a different font. Sadly this has been reported across all media, together with pictures of The Great Leader, spoiling breakfast for millions around the country.

An online petition, calling for Blair’s passport to be revoked the next time he strays beyond territorial waters, had gained 900,000 signatures by 9am this morning.

“Brexit wil be the biggest shit-fest for the UK since world war two, only this time the US won’t be bailing us out.” said Carly Jeffery, a teaching assistant at St Mary’s in Harold. “Imagine the Captain of the Titanic backing it up after the crash, then taking a second run at the iceberg. Like that but worse.”

“I voted remain, because I don’t believe in assisted suicide. Even so, every time I see Blair’s sanctimonious mug popping up on my TV, I’m tempted to join Ukip just to spite him.”

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Shock as Rees-Mogg set to replace Farage as Westminster Panto Villain.

hook

In a surprise upset after more than 20 years as chief Westminster pantomime villain, Nigel Farage has been usurped this year by relative newcomer Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Rees-Mogg, who was created in 2010 by splicing the Tussauds waxworks of John Redwood and Postman Pat has been auditioning frantically for the role over the last few weeks with classic lines such as “Rape? Get over it, it’s behind you” and “Abortion is always wrong. Ooooh yes it is”. Continue reading

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Jacob Rees-Mogg “still right about everything”: this week, abortion.

Jacob Rees-Mogg likes to have a firm grip on the pulse of the nation

“Women bear a moral responsibility for being women” says Jacob Rees-Mogg “and for all that goes with it. Having a vagina, uterus, womb, being attractive to rapists. That sort of thing.”

Mr Rees-Mogg opposes abortion as “morally indefensible”, even after a woman has been raped. “When a man gets raped he doesn’t run off to his doctor, Continue reading

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Yellow Pages to go entirely online: police mourn loss of vital confession tool

So many guilty looking types, so little time

Police across the UK are speaking of their sadness at the news that the Righteous Copper’s Friend aka the Yellow Pages will now be entirely online.

“It brings a tear to my eye,” said Harold’s entire police force PC Anita Flegg. “Since 1966 Ol’ Yeller has been a vital component in many a conviction. Beating the shit out of some nasty little scrote until they confess to everything from the Gunpowder Plot onwards won’t be the same when we’ve got to do it with a laptop.” Continue reading

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Liam Fox: “EU mustn’t blackmail UK” (he himself has never been blackmailed)

“Does my head look big in this studio? And it’s Doctor Fox to you, you BBC bastards.”

Liam Fox says choosing the word ‘blackmail’, to warn about the EU’s Brexit approach, wasn’t informed by personal experiences of being blackmailed over something from his past he’d prefer to keep private, locked away, in a closet.

In fact, Fox believes words should be carefully used. As a former GP, he insists on being called Doctor Fox and addresses colleagues in like manner; Journalist Gove, Serial Business Failure Rudd, and Congenital Liar Johnson. Continue reading

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David Davis explains slowness of Brexit talks: “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“It’s not fair.” Davis is upset that the EU is clearly negotiating in its own best interests,

“The thing is,” said David Davis, answering questions on the glacial progress of the Brexit talks “I haven’t a clue how the EU works. So it’s no surprise things are going slowly.”

“To be honest,” Davis went on “none of us know. Not Michael, not Boris, definitely not Theresa. When I ask the other side for help they Continue reading

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Ex- plumber Conor McGregor: £100M “not that much for a Saturday night job”

Conor McGregor explains his call-out fees

Conor McGregor says that, for a plumber, being paid £100 million for an evening’s work represents good value for money.

“There’s a callout fee, based on time and miles travelled. As I live in Dublin and the fight’s in Las Vegas, Continue reading

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Amazingly, Geoff Boycott is still not out

“I’d like to say sorry for being found out. Can I bill you for that?”

Former cricketer and legendary arsehole, Geoffrey Boycott is still ‘not out’ at the BBC, despite taking a risky shot at West Indian players.

Boycott’s smouldering resentment surfaced recently when at a Sky Sports event, forgetting some brown people were in the audience, he said he’d stand more chance of being knighted if he blacked his face.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman acknowledged “I suppose that might work – if it somehow stops him being an arsehole, Continue reading

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Total eclipse of fiery orange ball not Donald Trump

President Trump, having an unusually calm day at the office

Millions were disappointed at the weekend, when it emerged that the huge, glowing orange ball going into shadow on Monday will be the Sun and not the 45th President of the USA.

“I’d heard that an angrily burning, self-fuelling, incandescent ball, best seen through six inch thick darkened glass, would be off-line tomorrow.” said AdamCassidy, a 23 year old conspiracy theorist from Harold.

“Naturally, I assumed President Trump was being turned off and on again or Continue reading

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Porsche 4X4 driver says yes, he is entitled to use up to 75% of the road

I’m very,very rich so in town I park on the pavement

A man living on a 12 feet wide lane says it’s fine to drive a Porsche Cayenne, which barely fits between the hedges, because he’s very, very rich.

“You see, if I weren’t very, very rich I couldn’t afford to own any Porsche, much less my top of the range Cayenne 4X4 Turbo. And as I live in the country, I generally need to use most of the road.”

He confirmed that due to the narrowness of the lanes near where he lives, it’s always the middle 75% of the road which he has to use Continue reading

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Tom Cruise breaks his leg whilst jumping off his wallet

“Gottle o’ geer, gottle o’ geer.”

Little Tom Cruise has been hurt, filming a jump between his wallet and his huge ego.

“It was always going to be tricky; the size of Tom’s ego varies according to the size of his wallet.” said producer Christopher McQuarrie, at a press briefing.

“In short, it was a massive stunt. Sorry? Yes, I agree. But what I actually said was ‘a massive stunt’.” Continue reading

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David Davis: “Young Mr Grace says Brexit is going ‘incredibly well'”

“Wibble.” David Davis, just after taking his pants off his head

The Minister for Exiting Our Right Minds said today that the Brexit process is great and a character from a 1970s sit-com, young Mr Grace, has told him he’s personally ‘done very well’.

Speaking on R4’s Today programme this morning, David Davis took his pants from his head, two HB pencils from his nose and explained that the lack of clarity, over the government’s plan, is intentional, calling it “constructive ambiguity”. No, really, that’s what he said. We didn’t Continue reading

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‘How on earth do people get so racist?’ despairs Nigel Farage

Heil me!

The racist former leader of the racist UKIP party who built an electoral base campaigning on how everyone should be racist has spoken out about the racist violence in Charlottesville, asking how it’s possible that people could be so racist.

“Cannot believe we’re seeing Nazi salutes in 21st century America”, tweeted Farage yesterday. “How is it possible that people in today’s society, threatened as they are by Muslim PEDO DEATH CULTS, could get so racist? #idespair”.

Critics have been quick to point out that he has dedicated his entire political career to encouraging popular racism for his own selfish political ends, and that Farage condemning racism is about as plausible as a penis condemning urine.

“Nonsense,” insisted Farage at a press conference today, his authority only slightly diminished by his choice of vintage SS uniform and fake Hitler moustache.

“No-one has done more than me to condemn racism. Some of my best friends are Black, Asian and Muslim. Well, Bob is. And he’s a bit smelly, to be honest. Anyway, Heil me.”

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BBC apologises for athletics interrupting expert analysis

Intensive training means they can keep going for hours. No, really.

BBC Sport has expressed its ‘sincere regret’ that footage of athletes running, jumping, and throwing things has interrupted the droning, tedious wittering of Gabby Logan and her expert panel of assorted retired athletes.

“We are very sorry.” said Head of BBC Sport, Gary something-or-other “After a busy day at work there’s nothing better than flopping on the sofa and watching overpaid former sportsters spouting fatuous nonsense; like that kids’ party game where each child has to repeat absolutely everything the previous child said – Continue reading

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