Category Archives: News

Farage: “We’d have been bigger arseholes without Carswell.” A puzzled Nation scratches its head

“Bigger arseholes? How would that have worked then?”

Nigel Farage, has set the UK a tough puzzle; “How could UKIP possibly have been bigger arseholes over the past few years?”

In the wake of Farage’s claim that UKIP could have been more anti-immigrant, but for the spoilsport Douglas Carswell, the Nation has expelled a massive “WTF?” “I’m a dab hand at crosswords and killer sudoku and once got two questions right on Brain of Britain,” said Continue reading

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Clacton’s outrage as Carswell leaves UKIP: “meh”

Carswell leaving leaves UKIP a few nuts short of a fruitcake

Clacton’s worryingly weird MP, Douglas Carswell, a highly principled man who changes party more often than most people do their socks, has abandoned a sinking ship and left UKIP. Which is what Clacton deserves, you’re probably thinking.

“I won’t switch parties, or cross the floor, “said Carswell, who will just stay on as MP for Clacton, without bothering the voters again. “It’s not big money as an MP but more than I’d get elsewhere realistically, so it was a no-brainer.”

“I’ll sit as an independent now,” he explained, before adding “not with all UKIP’s other MPs. Oh no, they haven’t got any …” Continue reading

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Trolls defy terrorists and carry on posting bullshit as normal

Internet trolls are congratulating themselves for keeping calm and carrying on as they spend today spreading hate and misinformation just as they do every day.

“The Prime Minister said to carry on as normal,” said local vile person, Tim Trotman. “So I am because I am not afraid of terrorists and I’m proving this by repeatedly calling everyone whose views are different from mine a libtard snowflake cuck. No need to thank me or call me brave, I’m just one honest Englishman fighting the good fight.” Continue reading

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430-million-year-old fossil named after David Attenborough “actually Keith Richards”

They say he’ll have your eyes out in a flash. As will the eagle

The naming of an old fossil in honour of David Attenboroug was abandoned today, after it yawned, scratched, and was revealed as Keith Richards, contemplating a difficult guitar riff.

This is just the latest in a series of setbacks for the naming things after Sir David Attenborough industry.

Last year the ‘Dinosaur Attenborosaurus Conybeare’ was found to be Ronnie Wood, taking an unusually long afternoon nap.

A wildflower named Attenborough Hawkweed, Continue reading

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Theresa May drafts her Dear Jean (Claude Juncker) letter

The Evening Harold has gained access to the first draft of the Prime Minister’s Article 50-triggering ‘Dear Jean’ letter, reproduced here as a world exclusive.

Dear Jean,
There is no easy way to say this, but it’s time we split up and went our separate ways.
It’s not you, it’s 52% of me.

I need some time on my own without the worries of ongoing strained relationships with close union countries.

I’d like to remain friends if we can, even better if we could be “friends with benefits” maybe get together regularly in the next few years in order to fuck each other over?

Remember, there are plenty more fish in the sea (as long as you have the correct territorial and correctly ratified multi border EU council fisheries agreement, and you must throw back half of the ones you catch anyway).

Yours as ever in splendid isolation,

  • Theresa

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Irony implodes: Nick Griffin to emigrate

Sean Spicer & Nick Griffin, never seen in the same room

Sean Spicer’s less intelligent dodgy uncle look-alike, Nick Griffin, plans to inflict himself on the unsuspecting Hungarians later this year.

Griffin spoke in glowing terms of the growing ”nationalist emigre community” in Hungary, where he’ll move to later this year. He will continue to be politically active though, campaigning for less immigration and stronger national borders.

Laws of quantum physics were suspended yesterday, as Oxford English Dictionaries failed to fit this proposition into Einsteins general theory of relativity. Continue reading

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Political party seeks £70K sponsorship

Oh oh. More words on a bloody bus

Are you the beneficiary of dodgy general election accounting practice?

Maybe you’re now an MP, who wouldn’t be if you’d stuck to the rules.

If so, then your £76,000 MP salary might be just what your party needs to meet an unexpected bill.

Still smarting from Wednesday’s budget reversing, the Tories have to stump up for an Electoral Commission fine of £70,000, after fiddling the figures in the last General Election and are asking for donations from anyone who might have benefitted from their underhand behaviour and “unreasonable uncooperative conduct”.

Please send cash, cheques, postal orders, or negotiable bonds to: Sir Mick Davis, Treasurer, Conservative Party, PO Box 123, George Town, Cayman Islands

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Labour hopes fitting foglamps will help party move forward

Somewhere ahead a bearded man is waving a red flag

Labour seems to have lost contact with its leader, in a dense fog.

A kindly-looking bearded man, thought to be Labour’s leader, was last seen waving a red flag aloft, before disappearing.

According to an Evening Harold senior lip-reader, the man  had mouthed a soundless “This way everybody, follow me…” then strode off towards who knows where, whilst the party itself Continue reading

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Chancellor responds to Daily Mail’s instructions

Is he awake?

Living embodiment of a heavy mogadon overdose in human form, Philip Hammond, has dropped plans to increase NI rates for the self-employed.

“I’ve listened to the negative comments of the Daily Mail and its readers and acted accordingly.” said Chancellor Hammond, adding, “I’m not a fool!”.

“I now realise Continue reading

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Brexiters oppose Scots having a vote on Scottish independence

“Another prick and a wall”

Brexiters believe the UK voting to leave the EU is nothing like Scotland voting to leave the UK.

“You simply can’t compare people wanting to regain sovereignty with other people wanting to regain their sovereignty. Any fool can see they’re not the same thing at all.” said Jacob Rees-Mogg Continue reading

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Jack the bigot-slayer chops down giant arsehole’s beanstalk

Jack Monroe, respecter of war memorials

The Land of Make Believe is awash with that Friday feeling this afternoon as everyone grins themselves stupid over the news that plucky Jack Munroe has taken on an evil giant and won.

The giant, who lives way up in the sky in a nasty castle built by Lord Rothermere, is in the habit of flinging shit randomly down onto the unwary, especially if they happen to have brown skin or compassion for their fellow human beings. Today the giant has been given a hefty slap in the pie which is as pleasing as the one it received in December of last year when it was successfully sued for accusing a Muslim family of having links to extremists. Continue reading

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Brexiteers call for Queen to overturn ‘unelected peers’ decision

Still struggling to grasp the situation

Frothing Westminster brexiteers have called for the monarch to take decisive action, after the Lords exercised their parliamentary rights and voted for EU nationals to stay in the UK post-Brexit.

Rising onto his elbows from his sick-bed, against medical advice, swivel-eyed MP John Redwood spluttered “will of the people … clear mandate … take back control … must get the Queen to Continue reading

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Labour Party to be humanely destroyed

Old, grey and lacking vision . Not quite Grand National form

Buckingham Palace has confirmed that the Labour Party will be humanely destroyed on 9th March, the day after John McDonnell makes a toe-clenchingly embarrassing response to the Budget.

“Her Majesty has found it painful to watch her loyal opposition wheezing along, broken winded, lame, and without its guide dog” said a Palace spokesman, who agreed that the decision to put it out of its misery should probably have been taken earlier.

“Labour’s looked on its last legs, on and off for ten years, so I suppose everyone assumed it would recover,” he explained, with a wry smile, “which does seems rather foolish now, when you say it out loud.”

Hopes that a home might have been found at The Horses Trust in Buckinghamshire were dashed when the Trust advised they were unable to accept donkeys.

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Evening Harold banned from White House press briefing for allegedly reporting ‘fake news’

Freemedia160

Chain of thought.

As the White House bans news organisations from their press briefing, The Evening Harold Speaks.

The latest twist in President Donald Gump’s hate campaign against the media has seen The Evening Harold banned from an informal press briefing held by the president’s pet chihuaha, Sean Spicer.

We take this slight very seriously. The Evening Harold’s reputation as a trusted outlet for breaking the news stories other organisations are too afraid to cover is world renowned.

Who else brought you news of McDonalds’ plans to replace ketchup with orangutan blood? Of the demand by badgers for a cull of humans to stop the spread of ebola? Of the hoard of apostrophes left by Grammar Nazis under a Polish mountain? Or of course the tragic life of snooker great John Virgo, still sadly living under that bridge?

As Kim Jong-un once said “To gag the freedom of the press is to allow dictators free reign to stamp all over democracy and personal liberties”. Although admittedly he was giggling and rubbing his chubby little hands at the time.

We must protest. We must stand up for our liberties. We must demand our right to speak. We must grumble most ardently about the state of things these days. What is the world coming to? It so wasn’t like this in our day, was it? Tch!

Unless we want to see civilisation descend into utter chaos once again, as it did under the brutal and sadistic regimes of Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin and Blair; we must fight for our right to be heard.

The Evening Harold will always be here to stand up for truth and decency. To expose corruption; to irk the tyrant; to chafe at the reigns of bondage; to vex the despot; to peeve the oppressor and to stick one right up President Twunt and his bully boy buddies.

Next time he tries a stunt like this, we’ll just make up something really nasty about him instead.

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Paul Nuttall denies being UKIP leader

Oh, yes I am leader of that UKIP. I thought you meant the other UKIP

Paul Nuttall has no idea how claims that he was leader of UKIP, ‘The Friendly Face of Racism’, appeared on his website. “Wasn’t me.” he said “Prove it.”

Nuttall blamed a ‘press officer’ for other, more believable claims; that he’d scored the winning goal in the 1966 World Cup final, held a PhD from John Lennon University and been awarded the Nobel Prize in Theoretical Physics, for work on limits to people fitting into a finite place. Continue reading

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BBC’s Panorama shows Prison Chaos following death of Grouty

Grouty discusses aspects of the ‘Prison Works’ philosophy

Tonight’s Panorama is set to shock as undercover footage of drug use and lack of control is rampant just 8 weeks after the death of “Mr Big” Grouty.

Standards took a dip in the late 1980’s when hardline warder Mr MacKay was moved to take control of the offshore category A Fraggle Rock following the escape of Sean Connery. However order was soon regained as power swung to Grouty, controlling affairs with old school bribery and unspeakable violence. Continue reading

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Office worker hides hatred of her ‘awful’ colleagues with generous leaving gifts

“If he sneezes in my Merlot, he’s a dead man.”

A Harold woman has admitted to spending a ridiculous amount of time and money on her colleague’s retirement, even though she can’t stand him.

Marian Smith, a secretary at Harold Bus Company, said that she has always found account manager Mick Walker to be “unrelentingly irritating”, thanks to his tuneless whistling, theatrically loud sneezes, and bad impressions.

“He’s always done that policeman from Allo Allo” said Marian, “which grates a bit after the 50th ‘good moaning’. But since Trump was elected he’s been saying “I’m gonna build a wall….” and “its gonna be yuge” Continue reading

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“Someone must be responsible for this NHS chaos” says Jeremy Hunt

“Come on, who’s to blame?”

Moral vacuum in an expensive suit marred by a condescending, inappropriate NHS lapel badge, Jeremy Hunt, will launch an enquiry into the crisis afflicting hospitals up and down the country.

Speaking exclusively to the BBC, Mr Hunt first winked then, as the cameras started filming, he sobbed “I can’t help thinking that someone must be responsible for this utter shambles.”

Holding a sliced onion just off-camera, MrHunt wiped tears from his cheeks and sniffled “You know, an individual, an actual person, probably a Junior Doctor or whoever was the last Labour Health Secretary, Continue reading

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Salvation Army band splits due to musical differences.

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Mildred Fishbourne with the ’68 Salvation Army posse.

Veterans of the Harold Salvation Army band are frantically searching for new members after the entire percussion section quit in an acrimonious dispute over the future direction of the group.

Lead triangle player Mildred Fishbourne, the last original member from the classic 1968 ‘Godstock’ line up, has long harboured a desire to take the band in a more ‘Hippety Hoppity’ direction.

“One can’t stand still forever” said Mrs Fishbourne over a hot buttered crumpet. “The Saints Go Marching In has been a great success for the band over the years, but we haven’t had a major hit like that since The Floral Dance in the mid 70’s”.

“If we’re going to keep the fan base happy we need to modernise. That’s why we’ve decided to split away and form a new 30 piece woodwind and brass ensemble based around the Gangsta Rap genre”.

Meanwhile bassoonist Edward Cotterell, spokesman for the more conservative traditionalists within the band has been speaking out about the dispute.

“Of course we all want to remain relevant in an increasingly cynical world” he opined, “but when we were forced to play 50 cent’s ‘Wanksta’ at last week’s village bring and buy sale, that really was the biscuit”.

Divisions within the band seem irreparable. With the departure of such an important section of the traditional band, Salvation Army leaders have been desperately trying to find replacements to fill the band’s remaining tour commitments.

Unfotunately it looks as though tonight’s concert at The Lavendar and Pea old folks’ home in Dunstable will have to be cancelled after the entire brass section were gunned down in a drive by shooting, carried out by the Presbyterian Choral Massiv.

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MND sufferer’s distress as he finds new Yorkshire accent is Geoffrey Boycott’s

“That’s brilliant is that.” Boycott listens to one of his own jokes

A man otherwise coping stoically with motor neurone disease has been plunged into despair, and finally driven to ask “Why me?” by the news he’ll be voiced by the legendary ar*ehole and cricket bore, Geoffrey Boycott.

Graham Cross from Yorkshire thought he’d get a nice synthesised Yorkshire voice, when the effects of MND rob him of the power of speech, but says he may now rely on a slate and chalk instead.

I’d hoped for Alan Bennett’s gentle, melodic burble. But it seems the NHS want me to have the grating tones of an arrogant, whining Continue reading

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