Primal lurker beyond time* and Cabinet Office minister Michael Gove has been praised for improving the physical health of screen staring, stress eating Brits on lockdown by streaming a daily afternoon workout that sets pulses rising. “Like many people since lockdown I’ve been at risk of turning into an endgame Henry VIII but without all the fun of having had six wives and a big argument with the Pope first,” said villager Cassie Fine. “But now I’m getting some much needed daily exercise all thanks to Michael Gove. One look and I’m on my feet running from the room to get away from his wet-lipped cascade of mendacity.” “My wife stays in front of the TV and really works her muscles gesturing in disbelief at almost every word he says but she’s always been hardcore. Back in the day she could hold plank position all the way through a David Cameron speech on why it was necessary to fuck the NHS rigid without even a shiver of disgust.” Rumours that another Downing Street workout series ‘Sprinting Away with Dominic Cummings’ will soon be launched remain persistent but unconfirmed.
*August Derleth by which we really mean the Wikipedia page on Cthulhu
Prominent anti-vaxxer Jenny McCarthy lashed out at authorities for being too slow to develop a coronavirus vaccine that she can then refuse to take and instead promote an essential oil / crystal remedy.
“How can I save people from autism, toxic shock, and scrofula if there is no coronavirus vaccine to warn people not to take?” said a devastated McCarthy. “Gwyneth Paltrow and I have developed the perfect crystal soaked in essential oils placebo and we can’t scare market it until the coronavirus vaccine is rolled out. The stress is causing us to go double-blind”.
McCarthy implored the scientists to science more quickly so she can use her science to ridicule their science. “Gwyneth and I came out with our remedy almost immediately, how hard can it be? And we’ve scientifically proven our remedy to be scientifically proven with no margarine for error. A focus group of three rated the essential oils soaked crystals as “excellent” and the subsequent hospitalisation of one of them was due to an unrelated reaction to an earwax remedy.”
Attempts by the Evening Harold to debate the merits of her remedy were unsuccessful. “Herd immunity? Of course I’ve heard of immunity” said an indignant McCarthy. “I’ve also heard that any coronavirus vaccine will come out in a plain white bottle whereas our remedy is packaged in a calming pink and light blue colour-scheme.”
The insanely evil but inexplicably foxy home secretary Priti Patel today announced that the threat of terrorism in the UK had been reduced from ‘Holy shit, we’re all going to die’ to the lower level of ‘Fucking hell, run for it’.
This is the first time the terror threat has been set so low since it was raised from ‘Jesus, that was close’ back in 2014.
“Clearly we are reviewing the situation continuously” advised Ms Patel while gnawing on a human leg bone.
“We are of course looking forward to when we finally take back control with our own traditional British terrorism. Back to the halcyon days when we could look warily at anyone who has a regional accent, and we can lock up people without trial with impunity again”.
Cherry faced, rotund pile of fetid human detritus, the ironically named MP for Rayleigh and Wickford, Mark François, opined nostalgically, “I don’t mind being blown up, as long as there is a coded warning 5 mins before and that it’s white people doing the bombing. Back when terrorists knew how to do terroristics properly, like real gentlemen. Heady days.”
Meanwhile the security services remain vigilant in the hope that one day we can look forward to the terror threat being reduced to its lowest level of “Call that a bomb? I’ve sharted more damage than that, mate”.
The world will probably run out of schadenfreude if smug Tory PM Boris Johnson suffers any more humiliating setbacks, experts warn.
“After the Supreme Court ruled prorogation of Parliament unlawful, we’ve raised our schadenfreude alert to ‘critical’” said a Westminster source. “The smiles getting wiped off the faces of Boris Johnson, Dominic Cummings, and the rest of the Brexiters will be a serious test of our schadenfreude reserves, as will joy in the implosion of the Daily Mail.”
“And the sheer unadulterated pleasure of seeing Tony Blair’s sad face as Jeremy Corbyn becomes PM means we won’t just run out of schadenfreude, we’ll likely run out of schadenorgasm as well.”
While Germany is sympathetic to the looming schadenfreude shortage, they say they can’t send any supplies to the UK as they need all their schadenfreude for domestic consumption with their population equally fascinated with the Tory meltdown.
“The British will just have to make do with some homegrown ‘joyinthemisfortuneofothers’” said a German spokesman.
But Johnson says he remains confident there’ll be no post-Brexit shortages of schadenfreude.
“We’re already in talks with China for a shipment of cheap, tariff-free gloat,” he confirmed.
A Harold man has criticised Greta Thunberg for sailing to a climate conference, because ocean seasickness vomit levels are already at breaking point.
“A bit more aviation fuel pollution isn’t going to do any harm,” said local climatologist Mike Fairchild. “Compared to the amount of puke and poos she’s going to drop in the ocean, it would be a drop in the ocean. It wouldn’t even be in the ocean.”
“Birds have evolved to keep out of the way of planes. Now we have to start thinking about the whales and sharks who are traumatised when a massive shit comes their way after a ship passes.”
“Thunberg is famous for her green credentials,” he continued, “and it shows on her face the moment she steps on board a boat. Puke and diarrhoea are best stored in a sewer behind a fat-ball, not dumped on the seabed.”
“This whole eco-trip by boat malarkey is going to backfire and she’ll be left with egg on her face and ketchup running down her smock,” he added.
Britain’s hopes of avoiding a monumental clusterf*ck now rest with 10 Downing Street’s resident vermin exterminator Larry the cat, with the nation praying that Larry is partial to large blonde rodents.
“Cometh the hour, cometh the cat” is being whispered the length and breadth of the country, with Larry expected to live up to his job description and deal with the incoming blonde vermin problem.
“If Larry the cat doesn’t bite Johnson’s head off, or at the very least playfully catch and torture him till he scurries away, he might as well not be there” said an MP who wishes to remain anonymous.
“But knowing our luck, Larry is just as likely to think Boris is his ‘spirit human’ given their shared love for doing nothing for 20 hours a day, and spending the other 4 hours eating food and having indiscriminate sex.”
Current Downing Street occupant Teresa May says she respects the Tory leadership election process. “Boris won fair and square, I admit that. I also admit that neither Philip nor I have fed Larry for 3 weeks and he is looking rather hungry.”
The Lib Dems and SNP strongly support Larry getting rid of Johnson, with the kinder gentler Lib Dems preferring a humane relocation, while the SNP prefers Larry “bites the bastarts heid aff – slowly.”
Despite Labour Party membership being overwhelmingly in favour of Larry the cat getting rid of Johnson, Jeremy Corbyn refused to be drawn on a position saying “Larry could eat Johnson, or he could let him remain, we are the party of both eaters and non-eaters”.
After being found guilty of bank and tax fraud uncovered during the investigation into Russian election interference, Paul Manafort, the former chairman of Donald Trump’s campaign, has been sentenced to being poked with the soft cushions.
Manafort sat still in a wheelchair and betrayed little emotion as the US district judge TS Ellis of the eastern district of Virginia pronounced the sentence, which will be partially offset by several cushion pokes already received.
The sentence seems far more lenient than federal sentencing guidelines, which call for 19 to 24 years in prison for these types of crimes.
However, Judge Ellis described the guidelines as “excessive” and “out of whack”, saying Manafort had no prior criminal history, had lived “an otherwise blameless life”, and was a nice white man.
Critics have pointed to a possible disparity in severity of sentencing, given that a young black man was yesterday sentenced to death by nuclear explosion after committing the relatively minor crime of “looking at a policeman in a funny way.”
Ellis was quick to refute that Manafort’s sentence was in any way unduly light, telling reporters that cushion poking can be extremely unpleasant, depending on the cushion, and he had in any case instructed his staff to make sure that “all the stuffing was up one end”.
Theresa May has defended legendary Transport Secretary Chris Grayling after it emerged that Grayling has unwittingly bestowed a £108m nautical transport contract upon former Roxy Music singer Bryan Ferry.
“Well he sounds like a boat,” insisted a haunted-looking ministerial spokesperson this morning. “You have to admit he sounds like a boat, and that’s definitely better than a company with no boats.”
Millionaire singer Ferry is currently enjoying a solo tour in Australia, and has presumably little interest in post-Brexit medical supply chain logistics, despite the fact that his son is a fox-hunting toss bag.
Nevertheless, the front man pronounced himself “delighted” with Grayling’s unexpected largesse, and announced his intention to spend the money on wild animals for his son to torture.
Prime Minster May refused to condemn the now psychedelically ludicrous misadventures of her Transport Secretary, insisting that Grayling is “the best man for the job.”
“Believe me,” she confessed. “I’ve looked at all the others, and they’re actually worse. He really is the turd de la turd.”
Representatives from the Catholic community have been urged to come out and denounce convicted child molester and Catholic George Pell.
Cardinal Pell, until very recently the third most important Catholic in the world, was found guilty of raping underage boys and has been sent to prison. Despite this, many important figures on the fringes of the Catholic community are refusing to criticise him, and in some cases are even refusing to believe that what he did was wrong.
Former Australian Prime Minister John Howard insisted that Pell is “a person of both high intelligence and exemplary character” and maintained that his conviction on child sexual abuse charges doesn’t “alter my opinion of the Cardinal”.
The fact that a former Prime Minister of Australia would insist that child rape is OK as long as it is done by a Catholic just shows how hopelessly radicalised many once respected figures have now become.
Gordon Renfield of Essex Road, Islington, an atheist who leans if anything towards the Jedi persuasion, said he couldn’t understand why Catholics refused to condemn people like Pell.
“I know it might just be a few bad apples,” he explained today, “And no-one is saying that ALL Catholics are up to this sort of thing, but can anyone tell me why they can’t just stand up and say that people like this are evil?”
“I’m not denominationalist, but it does rather make me tar them all with the same brush, I’m afraid to say.”
The Pope, meanwhile, refused to comment on Pell’s conviction until an appeal is heard. Just to play that back – the leader of the Catholic church is giving his deputy the benefit of the doubt after a conviction for child molestation.
“I tell you,” insisted Renfield, “I swear they’re all as bad as each other.”
The Lib Dem party have confirmed that they are yet to receive an invitation to join the new “Independent Group” of MPs, but are not concerned as these kind of things often get lost in the post.
Many commentators have noticed that the mission of the newly-formed Independent Group is to be a centrist anti-Brexit party – a mission not entirely un-identical to that of the Liberal Democrats themselves.
“It’s only a matter of time,” insisted the Lib Dem leader, whose name we are quite frankly too lazy to Google. “They’re probably shy, being a new party and all, with us being so historic and respected.”
“There’s no question that they are deliberately excluding us from the most significant political movement in years, which happens to be exactly what we stand for too, just in case anyone has forgotten.”
“Or it’s just in the post. Yes, that’s what it’ll be. Has the postman been yet? Oh.”
Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she is ‘disgusted’ with the direction in which the Conservative Party is being taken, and has joined the brave group of ragtag MPs in the ‘Independent Group’.
In a strongly-worded letter to herself, May spoke movingly of the disastrous handling of the Brexit negotiations and the Tory party’s lurch to the right, adopting Ukip policies and pursuing a hard Brexit.
“Dear me,” she wrote. “I no longer feel I can remain in the party of a government whose policies and priorities are so firmly in the grip of the ERG and DUP.
“Brexit has re-defined the Conservative party – undoing all the efforts to modernise it. There has been a dismal failure to stand up to the hardline ERG, which operates openly as a party within a party, with its own leader, whip and policy.”
“What a heap of shit, quite frankly. Whoever got us into this mess has a lot to answer for!”
The nation’s arseholes have announced that after due reflection, they are pretty sure that the baby just born to the teenager who travelled to Syria to join Islamic State should die.
The baby, born of course to a British mother, has no idea what it is doing in a refugee camp in Syria, and if it could talk, would probably be quite saddened at its minimal life expectancy should it stay where it is.
Its mother, Shamima Begum, was 15 when she left the UK to join ISIS in Syria, having been groomed online. As 15-year-old children are well-known to be mature and rational, it is understandable that she should be vilified for her poor life choices.
A far harder intellectual challenge is whether her day-old baby should share in the condemnation of its hapless mother.
It seemed briefly that popular opinion might swing behind the fact that the baby has very little responsibility for its situation, and that being British, entirely innocent of anything at all and a day-old-baby, perhaps we could allow it to live.
The argument that the baby would probably be OK if we just ignored it has been weakened by the fact that its two siblings did indeed both perish, leaving the odds for this one at best rubbish.
“I don’t care about all that,” insisted an arsehole spokesperson. “I believe that I’m a nice person, but to be honest I’ve just been whipped up too much into a ball of xenophobic fury by the Daily Mail that I’ve got to the point where I don’t care if a baby dies.”
A program of badger vaccination in the West of England has run into trouble after several badgers refused to participate after hearing that vaccines caused autism.
The Cornish Wildlife Trust had started working with farmers to vaccinate badgers in order to reduce the prevalence of bovine TB, as an alternative to culling.
There were high hopes that the vaccination program would put an end to the ruthless slaughter of badgers in an attempt to protect cattle, but no-one expected the stripey mammals to willingly put their lives at risk rather than receive the vaccine.
“It seems that a rumour has spread around the badger population that these vaccines are in some way linked to badger autism,” explained local farmer Gordon Renfrew. “This is a shame, because a) there’s no such thing as badger autism, and b) even if there was, this theory would be bollocks.”
Apparently a few rogue badgers have with lucrative books and lecture tours to sell have preyed on the credulity of your average badger-in-the-street, and have spread this imaginary health risk.
Many badgers have gone as far as to insist on traditional violent culling rather than have a simple injection which really isn’t going to do anything bad.
Badgers have been seen deliberately facing farmers with guns, allowing dogs to catch them and even throwing themselves off high buildings, all rather than face vaccination on the word of some slimy ex-badger who was struck off badgerhood and now lives the easy life on the lecture circuit in America.
“What amazes me,” said Mr Renfrew, “Is that parental badgers would consider for one second putting their cubs at risk of a horrible death on the word of one discredited ex-badger.”
“What are these parents thinking of? Thank God this doesn’t happen with humans!”
Encouraged by Donald Trump’s populist ‘Build a Wall’ policy, the Australian government has announced plans to build its own border wall around the entirety of the country’s coastline.
Australia’s ruling coalition, led this week by a man called Scott Morrison who literally has a pet lump of coal, is no stranger to xenophobia and right-wing staring-eyed lunacy. It is currently nursing its wounds after an historic defeat in parliament forced it to allow medical treatment for refugees it is keeping on island prisons.
Fearing perhaps that the small percentage of the population who actually like racist polices might feel discouraged by the refugee thing, Morrison proudly announced the new “Great Barrier Wall” plan this evening.
The wall will be built just inland from the beach edge, around the entire 9,000 mile circumference of the country, allowing plenty of room for surfing and shark baiting.
“This should keep the buggers out,” enthused the Prime Minister, in the tolerant tones known so well to observers of the Australian right.
“There’ll be no doors, no way through, nothing. I’ve just realised that means we can’t get to the beach, but it’s a small price to pay. I’m alright here with my coal, anyway.”
“I was expecting to get a bit of grief about the wall from some of the lefty whingers, but I’m hearing people saying it’s a great idea, and in fact, it’s a shame it didn’t go up a couple of hundred years ago.”
“Everyone else in the world seems pretty keen as well, for some reason…”
Tech giant Facebook has abandoned its new fake news regulator, realising quickly that what it actually needed was a real news regulator.
Brian ‘Bobby’ Renfrew, 46, was hired last Thursday, and spent several days at his desk at Facebook HQ before it was realised that he was actually a cardboard cutout of Tom Hiddleston.
“It’s an easy mistake to make,” insisted a spokesperson. “We have a problem with fake news. We wanted to regulate it, but instead of getting a REAL fake news regulator, what we got was a FAKE real news regulator.”
“See what I mean? It’s a knotty one.”
“And I can’t really see anywhere else this joke could go from here,” he explained, his voice tailing off sadly.
Despite the fact that it will certainly cause the collapse of all life on this planet, everyone is secretly quite relieved that the insect population is dying out, it emerged today.
Recent studies show that the global insect population is dying off at a rate of 2.5% per year. This means that in 100 years all insects will be gone along with all animals and plants which depend on them, including mankind.
However, the bright side which has not escaped most of us is that insects are generally unpleasant and yucky, and that total planetcide might not be so bad if it got rid of all the flies, beetles and stuff.
Noted ecologist Brian Renfrew said that the decline in insect life was mainly due to the destruction of natural habitat and the use of chemical fertiliser in farming.
“Insect are being devastated by these threats, with potentially catastrophic effects,” he explained. “And between you and me, about time too. A wasp stung me only last week, hurt like buggery.”
“Global destruction’s a small price to pay for getting rid of those little bastards, if I’m quite honest.”
The exchange of letters between Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn has reached an unbearable level of sexual tension, according to insiders.
What started as a series of communications setting out their respective parties’ positions on the Brexit situation has flared into a burning peak of frustrated desire, it is believed.
“It’s like something out of a Richard Curtis film, only exciting and passionate,” explained one breathless Downing Street staffer.
“You could cut the tension with a knife around here, it’s like a sexual time-bomb waiting to happen.”
Extracts of the highly personal communications have been leaked to the press, and confirm the long-suspected animal attraction between the two party leaders.
In one robust, brooding letter, Corbyn calls for the government to rework the political declaration setting the framework for Britain’s future relationship with the EU – and then enshrine these new negotiating objectives in UK law.
Responding in a late-night note possibly written on scented violet Downing Street stationery, the PM stressed her objections to keeping the UK in some form of customs union, saying this would prevent the UK making its own trade deals.
In his reply, dripping with understated longing and Brut men’s body spray, the Labour leader insisted that without changes to May’s negotiating red lines, he did not believe that “simply seeking modifications to the existing backstop terms is a credible or sufficient response to the need for a deal with the EU that can bring the country together and protect jobs”.
Proud and aloof, Theresa May scribbled a cruel response haughtily rejecting Corbyn’s idea of “dynamic alignment” – automatically keeping the UK in step with EU standards – saying this should be a UK decision.
But her mind a lustful whirl, she was unable to resist adding: “In the interests of building support across the house we are also prepared to commit to asking parliament whether it wishes to follow suit whenever the EU changes its standards in these areas.”
“For God’s sake, take me, you crazy Socialist fool.”