Category Archives: floods

Hard Water Cup retained by Yorkshire in wet final

The Hard Water Cup.

The Hard Water Cup.

FINAL SCORE: Yorkshire 6-1 Devon & Cornwall

Yorkshire Water proved once again how hard it is, with an expected win over soft West Country underdogs in the Hard Water final in the River Calder in Yorkshire in heavy rain.

The West Countrymen had fluked a place in the final with a surprise win over Harold Waterworks last Saturday on the River Gluggle. But the visitors put in a soggy performance in Calderdale as the final ebbed and flowed during the first 20 minutes with neither side able to breach the opponent’s defences.

“We was all wet and wishy-washy,” admitted Barry Babbacombe, the flushed WC manager as they went in at half time 2-0 down. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Defence, environment, floods, Sport

Government to build 13,000 pre-flooded houses in lake

houseinlake

Some rising damp

Stung by criticism of its housing and flood relief policies, the government has announced plans to kill two birds with one stone by building 13,000 new homes at the bottom of a large lake.

Outlining the idea, Prime Minister David Cameron explained that although it seemed initially counter-intuitive, the scheme would bring huge benefits through reducing uncertainty and bringing a “consistent environment where householders can plan ahead with confidence, without constant need for government bail-out.”

“In this unpredictable climate, people have no idea what to expect,” he argued. “Dry one day, wet the next – it’s all over the place. What we’re offering is a lifestyle where people really know where they stand. At the bottom of a lake.” Continue reading

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Filed under floods, Housing

Jeremy Corbyn launches singing career with sure-fire Christmas hit

So sweet

So sweet

Jeremy Corbyn has hit the music scene with what critics say will be this year’s Christmas Number One.

A fabulous video now out of the kindly pensioner singing Happy Birthday Dear Katie has taken the UK by storm.

Harold media analyst Dr Lizzie Phillips says ‘out-of-tune’ is the new black.  “He’s very popular.  I’d definitely put a fiver on him winning X-factor.”

The video was tastefully shot in Cockermouth, showing Jeremy and Katie hugging in the cold air, surrounded by festive sand-bags.

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Filed under Christmas, Entertainment, floods, Labour, Movies, music, Tory sex scandal, Vicars, Weather

Tired Cameron calls for vote to change Syria’s climate.

"You don't need a weatherman..."

“You don’t need a weatherman…”

David Cameron could be getting in a muddle as he flits back and forth between the Climate Change Conference in Paris and earnest war-mongering efforts in London.

Fears that he is over-stretching his mind were not allayed on Monday night when he called for a Commons vote to change the Syrian climate.

“The problem is, he’s got his head in too many places at the same time,” said one commentator.

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Filed under bombs, environment, Europe, floods, ice, International News, Labour, Nature, Politics, War, Weather

Thousand of idiots waiting beach-side, for huge ‘Darwin’ tide

manonbeachstorm

Andy heads off for a two dozen ’99’ Ice Cream cones, with extra grit

Hordes of dolts with limited imagination have been gathering along the beaches of south west England, hoping to see ‘the high tide of the century’.

“We can hardly wait” enthused popular Harold Curate Andy, pegging his windbreak with pebbles “I’ve heard it could be as high as a four-storey house. What’s that in metric then, about two feet? I can’t see anything going wrong but as I’ve brought the Sunday School class, I’ll allow three for safety.”

Andy explained that, by a stroke of bad luck, he’d just missed out on the Indonesian Tsunami. He’d been back-packing in the area only a month earlier, so he’s determined not miss out on some big-surf-wave action closer to home.

“The man on the TV said we should take precautions to ensure we stay safe and don’t put the emergency services at risk” said Andy “That’s why we’re wearing our b.o.g.o.f Eclipse Glasses.”

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Filed under environment, floods, idiots, News, Weather

Harold architect planning to convert his house back into a barn

barn

Artist’s impression of completed barn re-conversion.

Touched by the plight of lambing sheep stranded on the Somerset Levels, Harold architect Joseph Blythe has applied to Harold Council for permission to convert his high-spec open-plan living accommodation back into the barn from which he created it a decade ago.

“It’s a long-term job that’s going to cost a lot of money,” he said, but remains undaunted by the scale of the project, which involves ripping out the balconied mezzanine above the main living area and replacing it with a simple hayloft and digging up the Italian stone floor tiles to create a soil-level sleeping area for the sheep. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, environment, Farming, floods, Lifestyle, Nature, Pets

Ministers hold flood meeting with insurers

FloodsFlood summit meetings were held today in Somerset between Government ministers and representatives of the insurance and financial industries. It had been feared that holding the talks in a county which was completely underwater would cause problems but  this was not the case according to Flooding Minister Dan Rogerson:

“We floated a raft of proposals across the table and told them to ‘Bubble, gluggle, wubble’. They responded with a rather damp ‘Wurgle, gurgle, blurgle’, but we put our flippers down firmly and insisted, ‘Globble, wuggle, floggle.’”

“This is the sort of straight talking these people understand. I’m confident we got our message across.” Continue reading

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Filed under floods, News, Politics