Britain’s hopes of avoiding a monumental clusterf*ck now rest with 10 Downing Street’s resident vermin exterminator Larry the cat, with the nation praying that Larry is partial to large blonde rodents.
“Cometh the hour, cometh the cat” is being whispered the length and breadth of the country, with Larry expected to live up to his job description and deal with the incoming blonde vermin problem.
“If Larry the cat doesn’t bite Johnson’s head off, or at the very least playfully catch and torture him till he scurries away, he might as well not be there” said an MP who wishes to remain anonymous.
“But knowing our luck, Larry is just as likely to think Boris is his ‘spirit human’ given their shared love for doing nothing for 20 hours a day, and spending the other 4 hours eating food and having indiscriminate sex.”
Current Downing Street occupant Teresa May says she respects the Tory leadership election process. “Boris won fair and square, I admit that. I also admit that neither Philip nor I have fed Larry for 3 weeks and he is looking rather hungry.”
The Lib Dems and SNP strongly support Larry getting rid of Johnson, with the kinder gentler Lib Dems preferring a humane relocation, while the SNP prefers Larry “bites the bastarts heid aff – slowly.”
Despite Labour Party membership being overwhelmingly in favour of Larry the cat getting rid of Johnson, Jeremy Corbyn refused to be drawn on a position saying “Larry could eat Johnson, or he could let him remain, we are the party of both eaters and non-eaters”.
England football fans are panicking that their 4 yearly bout of misery is turning totally pear-shaped and they might just win the World Cup.
Fans had to endure being ahead until just before the end of normal time when a Colombian header gave hope they’d suffer a humiliating exit. Extra time revived hopes as England clinically steered the ball into the direction of their own net. Unfortunately those hopes proved to be in vain after England squandered a glorious chance to lose the penalty shootout after Henderson looked to have made them safe with a tame miss. Continue reading →
A Harold man managed to fulfill his fantasy of sliding down a ice slope in a giant cheese sandwich and, as a happy by-product, represent the UK at the Winter Olympics in the double luge event.
Insurance assessor Alan Atkins said it was just by chance he found his perfect sport.
“I answered an ad for ‘lube trials’ so I expected things to be slippery. But it was still a surprise to hurtle down a steep ice slope at 90 miles an hour. An exhilarating surprise though as I’ve always had a thing about sliding down a slope as a giant cheese sandwich ever since catching a glimpse of a ploughman’s at the Squirrel Licker’s Arms when I was a boy” reminisced Atkins fondly. Continue reading →
Donald exhibiting rudimentary human-like behaviour
An American circus cannot bring it’s prize giant orange-u-tan to London over fears the animal will become stressed by all the public attention.
The Republican Circus had hoped to cash in on it’s giant primate Donald who has amazed American people with his ability to exhibit rudimentary signs of human behaviour. The orange-u-tan can grunt and sniff as a form of speaking, and perhaps more controversially, some say Donald has the ability to communicate simple concepts through tweeting. Continue reading →
Turkeys have had second thoughts about voting for Christmas and now seek a lengthy transitional period to fatten up in peace.
“To be honest, I’m not sure we thought through the implications of voting for Christmas” said turkey spokesman Kevin Sainsbury.
“Too many turkeys just blindly believed the Christmaser’s promise of an extra 250 million pounds without stopping to consider we’d have to give an arm and a leg in return, and probably a breast too.” Continue reading →
“Roxxxy said ‘fuck off loser’ the moment she saw me”
The technology of sex robots has improved so much they now won’t sleep with the sad losers that buy them.
Inventor Doug Hines said he knew he’d developed a life-like sex robot when Roxxxy took one look at him and said “fuck off you sad, bald, loser, I wouldn’t sleep with you if you were the last man on earth”. Continue reading →
Bono has admitted that what he was looking for was behind the couch all along.
“All that time climbing the highest mountain, running through fields, and scaling city walls, and singing a song about it for over 30 years, when I could have just looked behind the couch and found that missing moral compass” confessed well known tax expert and occasional musician Bono.
“Taking my fecking sunglasses off for 2 minutes would’ve helped as well.” Continue reading →
Theresa May has chucked Larry the Cat in a bin saying it was his incessant meowing that persuaded her to call an early election.
“Every day at 8am and 6pm Larry would come up to me and meow and meow. He was obviously obsessed with the idea I should call an early election” said May.
“I gave him the brush-off saying ‘Larry I can’t do it – I’ve promised the British public 7 times I won’t call an early election’ but Larry just wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer” explained the PM. Continue reading →
The world will probably run out of schadenfreude if the smug Tory ploy of calling an early election backfires and they lose, experts warn.
“As the polls tighten, we’ve raised our schadenfreude alert to ‘critical'” said a Westminster source. “The smiles getting wiped off the faces of Theresa May, Boris Johnson, and the rest of the Tories will be a serious test of our schadenfreude reserves, as will joy in the implosion of the Daily Mail.”
“But it’s the sheer unadulterated pleasure of seeing Tony Blair’s sad face as Jeremy Corbyn becomes PM that means we won’t just run out of schadenfreude, we’ll likely run out of schadenorgasm as well.” Continue reading →
President Trump’s allegations that Barack Obama personally monitored him in the weeks before the election are likely true, although there is speculation the method used was ‘reading Twitter’ rather than wiretaps.
Republican Senator Ben Sasse described the allegations as very serious. “We Republicans would never stoop so low as to read even if it’s just 140 characters – it’s just not in our DNE.” Continue reading →
‘I can see you’re amazed about my foreign policy knowledge’
President Trump used a press conference with Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu to say he doesn’t need detailed briefings from officials as he already has the smarts to solve the Israel-Pennsylvania conflict.
“I have a great instinct for this sort of thing, there is no need to get lost in the detail” explained Trump.
“Everything is on the table, there’s the two-state solution, but I’ve also discussed the one-state solution with Governor Netanyahu. Perhaps it could be called ‘Israelvania’ as a compromise?” Continue reading →
A Dunstable travel agent asked to recommend a Greek island with lots of British food and beer and no foreigners cheekily suggested ‘Xenophobia’ only for her client to adamantly suggest he wanted to go there.
“It was a mess all of my own making” admitted Sarah from Thomson. “When he asked how far it is from Luton to Xenophobia, I shouldn’t have said ‘surprisingly close’.” Continue reading →
“I can’t even extort one frickin’ million dollars”
Dr Evil announced his retirement saying it’s no longer possible to make a living by threatening to take control of the world when people prefer that to Donald Trump being in charge.
“It’s frickin’ ridiculous, I finally develop a foolproof plan to take over the world and I can’t even get a ransom of ten thousand dollars let alone one million” said Dr Evil. “People just smile at me and say ‘better the Dr Evil you know’, and ask if I’ll pose for a photo with them.” Continue reading →
Long dormant volcanoes in Auckland are being urged to get off their lazy asses and start spewing lava and gas in the direction of Destiny Church leader Brian Tamaki.
A self-styled bishop, Brian Tamaki attracted notoriety by saying the devastating Kaikoura earthquake was caused by homosexuals, quoting from the same section of the Old Testament that recommends sacrificing a goat before marrying your child bride. Continue reading →