Theresa May has chucked Larry the Cat in a bin saying it was his incessant meowing that persuaded her to call an early election.
“Every day at 8am and 6pm Larry would come up to me and meow and meow. He was obviously obsessed with the idea I should call an early election” said May.
“I gave him the brush-off saying ‘Larry I can’t do it – I’ve promised the British public 7 times I won’t call an early election’ but Larry just wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer” explained the PM.
The world will probably run out of schadenfreude if the smug Tory ploy of calling an early election backfires and they lose, experts warn.
“As the polls tighten, we’ve raised our schadenfreude alert to ‘critical'” said a Westminster source. “The smiles getting wiped off the faces of Theresa May, Boris Johnson, and the rest of the Tories will be a serious test of our schadenfreude reserves, as will joy in the implosion of the Daily Mail.”
“But it’s the sheer unadulterated pleasure of seeing Tony Blair’s sad face as Jeremy Corbyn becomes PM that means we won’t just run out of schadenfreude, we’ll likely run out of schadenorgasm as well.”
Promising ‘no income tax, no VAT’ and touting his ability to speak most European languages, Del Boy Trotter, AKA David Jason, says he and sidekick Rodney are the men to negotiate a Brexit trade deal.
“Low tariffs, how bout no tariffs for a bonnet de douche deal?” said Jason. Britain will be the envy of this immortal curl. This time next year, we’ll all be millionaires!”
President Trump vowed to defeat liberal grammar Nazis with a huge build up of US exclamation mark and capital letter reserves.
Trump said the US was being threatened on all sides by reasoned, well set out arguments and the time had come to fight back.
“We can’t fight reasoned arguments just relying on alternative facts alone, right?” said Trump.
Damning proof that Obama can read
President Trump’s allegations that Barack Obama personally monitored him in the weeks before the election are likely true, although there is speculation the method used was ‘reading Twitter’ rather than wiretaps.
Republican Senator Ben Sasse described the allegations as very serious. “We Republicans would never stoop so low as to read even if it’s just 140 characters – it’s just not in our DNE.”
‘I can see you’re amazed about my foreign policy knowledge’
President Trump used a press conference with Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu to say he doesn’t need detailed briefings from officials as he already has the smarts to solve the Israel-Pennsylvania conflict.
“I have a great instinct for this sort of thing, there is no need to get lost in the detail” explained Trump.
“Everything is on the table, there’s the two-state solution, but I’ve also discussed the one-state solution with Governor Netanyahu. Perhaps it could be called ‘Israelvania’ as a compromise?”
Just $9.99 from all good Mexican hardware stores
President Trump’s aides are frantically trying to work out how to tell their boss about ‘the ladder’ and how it is on sale for $9.99 at all good Mexican hardware stores.
“There’s no easy way to break it to him that his $8,000,000,000 wall can be scaled with a $9.99 ladder” confided a desperate aide who wished to remain anonymous.
A Dunstable travel agent asked to recommend a Greek island with lots of British food and beer and no foreigners cheekily suggested ‘Xenophobia’ only for her client to adamantly suggest he wanted to go there.
“It was a mess all of my own making” admitted Sarah from Thomson. “When he asked how far it is from Luton to Xenophobia, I shouldn’t have said ‘surprisingly close’.”
Filed under News, Transport
“I can’t even extort one frickin’ million dollars”
Dr Evil announced his retirement saying it’s no longer possible to make a living by threatening to take control of the world when people prefer that to Donald Trump being in charge.
“It’s frickin’ ridiculous, I finally develop a foolproof plan to take over the world and I can’t even get a ransom of ten thousand dollars let alone one million” said Dr Evil. “People just smile at me and say ‘better the Dr Evil you know’, and ask if I’ll pose for a photo with them.”
Filed under News, Politics
Donald Trump says he’s completely smoothed things over with China by sending them a snapchat of his dick to show how much more they mean to him than Taiwan.
“I think the pic worked” beamed the President-erect.
“The Chinese have stopped complaining about me taking a call from the President of Taiwan, I mean President ON Taiwan. And they say I don’t know how to be diplomatic? Sad!”
Despite Trump’s optimism, foreign policy experts remain on tenterhooks.
“If China so much as hints at ‘small hands’, it’s World War 3”, warned one expert.
Long dormant volcanoes in Auckland are being urged to get off their lazy asses and start spewing lava and gas in the direction of Destiny Church leader Brian Tamaki.
A self-styled bishop, Brian Tamaki attracted notoriety by saying the devastating Kaikoura earthquake was caused by homosexuals, quoting from the same section of the Old Testament that recommends sacrificing a goat before marrying your child bride.
Boris Johnson joined the chorus of people urging Facebook and Google to ban fake news, saying it could ‘influence an election’.
“We can’t have the democratic process subverted by Facebook and Google providing a platform for obscure news websites to publish plausible sounding but completely made up stories” integrity campaigner Johnson told the Evening Harold.
A bunch of people who’ve never had to wonder where their next meal is coming from are continuing their protests against President-elect Donald Trump.
The angry protesters gathered in mainly affluent cities to protest against President-elect Trump’s obvious racism after he proposed measures to keep illegal immigrants from crossing the Mexican border and he also questioned the wisdom of trade deals with China. Since President-elect Trump is so obviously and definitely racist, his supporters are obviously and definitely racist too, so the protesters reasoned as they burned a few cars to prove that Love triumphs over Hate.
“Jump off a cliff? We look twice before dismounting a stone.”
After the election of Donald Trump and Brexit, the lemming community says it’s rich of humans to lecture THEM about jumping off cliffs.
Lemming spokesman Nigel said while he and his fellow rodents were only endowed with very small brains, they gave up cliff jumping decades ago.
The crowd makes their displeasure known
An advertised burning of a Catholic terrorist turned ugly when it dawned on the crowd it wasn’t Tony Blair being burnt.
An expectant crowd gathered at Harold Common on the night of 5 November after seeing signs around the village advertising ‘Catholic terrorist burning’, with people travelling from as far as Dunstable and Felching to ‘see the bastard off’.
A young couple from Harold are ecstatic to have purchased their first printer ink cartridge before they turned 30.
“It’s a dream come true to finally hold the HP 364 cartridge in our hands” beamed Nick Stalling. “We’ll be paying it off for 40 years of course, but we now have a printer ink cartridge we can call our own. I only wish gran and grandad were still alive. They had their own typewriter and ribbon so this would’ve meant a lot to them.”
Vinnie Jones says Britain would be complete pussies to choose anything other than hard Brexit.
“It’s about self-respect” said Jones. “Soft Brexit sounds like something the French would do to appease the Germans.”
Gerald, in a blue period, due to the comparisons
Male octopuses say they are very respectful to females, and being linked to Donald Trump’s groping is very unfair.
Gerald the octopus says he and his friends always ask first before touching females of the species, and even then its the most gentle of caresses, not a grope.
Armed robbers who burst into Kim Kardashian’s Paris hotel room got more than they bargained for when the ubiquitous celebrity bombarded them with minute details of her daily routine.
With her bodyguard quickly overpowered and tied up, a brave Kardashian confronted the robbers in the only way she knows how – by oversharing every aspect of her personal life from plucking her eyebrows to oiling her bottom.
Labour MPs who attempted to topple Jeremy Corbyn achieved a victory of sorts after the Guinness Book of Records recognised them for conducting the world’s worst political coup.
Guinness World Records spokesman Jamie Clarke said the benchmark for disastrous coups was Operation Valkyrie where the plotters both failed to assassinate Adolf Hitler and got themselves all hung like cattle from piano wire. But the Corbyn coup was a worthy new record holder for its sheer sustained ineptitude and for it so spectacularly achieving the opposite result to that intended.