Author Archives: yikes28

Dr Evil complains he can’t hold world to ransom when people prefer him to Trump

“I can’t even extort one frickin’ million dollars”

Dr Evil announced his retirement saying it’s no longer possible to make a living by threatening to take control of the world when people prefer that to Donald Trump being in charge.

“It’s frickin’ ridiculous, I finally develop a foolproof plan to take over the world and I can’t even get a ransom of ten thousand dollars let alone one million” said Dr Evil. “People just smile at me and say ‘better the Dr Evil you know’, and ask if I’ll pose for a photo with them.”
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Trump smooths things over with China by snapchatting them a dick pic

trump-phoneDonald Trump says he’s completely smoothed things over with China by sending them a snapchat of his dick to show how much more they mean to him than Taiwan.

“I think the pic worked” beamed the President-erect.

“The Chinese have stopped complaining about me taking a call from the President of Taiwan, I mean President ON Taiwan. And they say I don’t know how to be diplomatic? Sad!”

Despite Trump’s optimism, foreign policy experts remain on tenterhooks.

“If China so much as hints at ‘small hands’, it’s World War 3”, warned one expert.

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Filed under US Elections

Dormant volcanoes urged to ‘make an exception’ for Brian Tamaki

auckland-volcanoLong dormant volcanoes in Auckland are being urged to get off their lazy asses and start spewing lava and gas in the direction of Destiny Church leader Brian Tamaki.

A self-styled bishop, Brian Tamaki attracted notoriety by saying the devastating Kaikoura earthquake was caused by homosexuals, quoting from the same section of the Old Testament that recommends sacrificing a goat before marrying your child bride.
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Boris Johnson urges Facebook to ban fake news, whilst standing next to a bus

boris-johnson-busBoris Johnson joined the chorus of people urging Facebook and Google to ban fake news, saying it could ‘influence an election’.

“We can’t have the democratic process subverted by Facebook and Google providing a platform for obscure news websites to publish plausible sounding but completely made up stories” integrity campaigner Johnson told the Evening Harold.
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Protests continue against hungry unemployed steelworkers voting in Trump

trumpA bunch of people who’ve never had to wonder where their next meal is coming from are continuing their protests against President-elect Donald Trump.

The angry protesters gathered in mainly affluent cities to protest against President-elect Trump’s obvious racism after he proposed measures to keep illegal immigrants from crossing the Mexican border and he also questioned the wisdom of trade deals with China. Since President-elect Trump is so obviously and definitely racist, his supporters are obviously and definitely racist too, so the protesters reasoned as they burned a few cars to prove that Love triumphs over Hate.
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Time for humans to stop lecturing us about jumping off cliffs, say lemmings

"Jump off a cliff? We look twice before dismounting a stone."

“Jump off a cliff? We look twice before dismounting a stone.”

After the election of Donald Trump and Brexit, the lemming community says it’s rich of humans to lecture THEM about jumping off cliffs.

Lemming spokesman Nigel said while he and his fellow rodents were only endowed with very small brains, they gave up cliff jumping decades ago.
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Crowd at Catholic terrorist burning devastated to find it wasn’t Tony Blair

The crowd makes their displeasure known

The crowd makes their displeasure known

An advertised burning of a Catholic terrorist turned ugly when it dawned on the crowd it wasn’t Tony Blair being burnt.

An expectant crowd gathered at Harold Common on the night of 5 November after seeing signs around the village advertising ‘Catholic terrorist burning’, with people travelling from as far as Dunstable and Felching to ‘see the bastard off’.
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Young couple celebrate getting on printer ink cartridge ladder

hp-cartridgeA young couple from Harold are ecstatic to have purchased their first printer ink cartridge before they turned 30.

“It’s a dream come true to finally hold the HP 364 cartridge in our hands” beamed Nick Stalling. “We’ll be paying it off for 40 years of course, but we now have a printer ink cartridge we can call our own. I only wish gran and grandad were still alive. They had their own typewriter and ribbon so this would’ve meant a lot to them.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Lifestyle

Vinnie Jones advocates hard Brexit

vinniejonesVinnie Jones says Britain would be complete pussies to choose anything other than hard Brexit.

“It’s about self-respect” said Jones. “Soft Brexit sounds like something the French would do to appease the Germans.”
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Octopuses ‘up in arms’ at Trump groping comparison

octopus3

Gerald, in a blue period, due to the comparisons

Male octopuses say they are very respectful to females, and being linked to Donald Trump’s groping is very unfair.

Gerald the octopus says he and his friends always ask first before touching females of the species, and even then its the most gentle of caresses, not a grope.
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Kim Kardashian terrorises armed robbers with minute details of her daily routine

kimArmed robbers who burst into Kim Kardashian’s Paris hotel room got more than they bargained for when the ubiquitous celebrity bombarded them with minute details of her daily routine.

With her bodyguard quickly overpowered and tied up, a brave Kardashian confronted the robbers in the only way she knows how – by oversharing every aspect of her personal life from plucking her eyebrows to oiling her bottom.
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Labour MPs achieve Guinness Book of Records recognition for ‘world’s worst political coup’

guinness-recordLabour MPs who attempted to topple Jeremy Corbyn achieved a victory of sorts after the Guinness Book of Records recognised them for conducting the world’s worst political coup.

Guinness World Records spokesman Jamie Clarke said the benchmark for disastrous coups was Operation Valkyrie where the plotters both failed to assassinate Adolf Hitler and got themselves all hung like cattle from piano wire. But the Corbyn coup was a worthy new record holder for its sheer sustained ineptitude and for it so spectacularly achieving the opposite result to that intended.
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Hypochondriac sets up Just Giving page – asks for £1,000,000,000 ‘to be on the safe side’

hypochondriacA local hypochondriac has set up a Just Giving page with an initial fundraising target of £1,000,000,000.

“I think I’ve got AIDS, and Dropsy. And Dengue Fever. Probably Zika too. Worst of all, I’ve got slightly dry skin on my upper arm that literally could be ANYTHING. I’m hoping a billion pounds will cover it” said Harold identity Sally Evans.
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Jeremy Corbyn endorsed by both the Judean People’s Front and the People’s Front of Judea

People's Front of JudeaJeremy Corbyn has shown his unifying credentials after obtaining endorsements from both the Judean People’s Front and the People’s Front of Judea, after earlier being endorsed by the Campaign for a Free Galilee and the Judean Popular People’s Front.

The Judean People’s Front and the People’s Front of Judea haven’t seen eye to eye for over 2,000 years, but both groups agreed the Tories and Blairites are far greater threats than Pontius Pilate and the Romans ever were as they threw their combined weight behind Corbyn.
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Brexit voter literally up shit creek after failing to find Polish plumber

fat edl memberGavin Mitchell says he doesn’t regret his Brexit vote even though a river of shit is running from his bathroom to the living room.

“Actually I’m proud of this river of shit” said the Britain First member. “It’s a symbol of how patriots like me stood up to those Eastern Europeans who were taking the piss, and, as it happens, taking the shit.”

Mitchell said living in a rapidly growing torrent of excrement was a small price to pay for taking back control of Britain’s drains and sewers.
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Mo Farah continues campaign to win R2D2 role

FarahA frustrated Mo Farah says he doesn’t know what more he can do to secure the role of R2D2 in the Star Wars films after once again doing his trademark ‘Mobot’ celebration.

Farah says he truly hates running, but it’s a means to an end to get his dream robot role.
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Filed under Olympics

Hypocritical Morrissey repeatedly strangles chickens and spanks monkeys

Morrissey caught in the act

Morrissey caught in the act

Morrissey’s animal rights crusade may all be an act as allegations emerge he’s a chronic chicken strangler and monkey spanker.

Morrissey, who as lead singer in the Smiths sung the vegetarian anthem ‘Meat is Murder’, has publicly and noisily advocated for animal rights, but it seems behind closed doors the pop icon is not averse to abusing animals for his own selfish pleasure.
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Rio Olympics causing transport chaos, say London commuters

Surbiton trainHolding the Olympics in a place other than London is causing transport chaos as people aren’t taking holidays to escape or working from home, according to London commuters.

“Bloody selfish” says Surbiton commuter Sean Nunean. “The government should’ve ensured London held the Olympics again so people like me can get a seat on the 8.27am to Waterloo.”
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Cats aren’t merely sleeping – they’re dreaming of worming humans

Don't be fooled - she's plotting to worm you

Don’t be fooled – she’s plotting to worm you

Cat’s spend most of their day sleeping because they’re dreaming of worming humans, according to Harold cat whisperer Mary Evans.

“Cat may appear to be lazy and sleeping their life away, but the cunning buggers are actually secretly plotting to worm their owners” explained Evans. “They resent having to hang round humans for a measly two portions of alleged meat a day, and what better way to exact revenge than through the utter humiliation of worming?”
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‘A few songs from our new album’ now world’s most dreaded phrase

Bono singing a few songs from the new album

Bono singing a few songs from the new album

‘A few songs from our new album’ has replaced ‘you’ll hardly feel a thing’ and ‘my mum’s coming to stay for a bit’ as the world’s most dreaded phrase.

The poll result was slightly surprising given the plethora of terror attacks and generally upsetting news, but it seems the horror of Bono, Eric Clapton, and co devoting a significant part of a concert to new material is undimmed.
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Filed under music