Author Archives: yikes28
“After the Supreme Court ruled prorogation of Parliament unlawful, we’ve raised our schadenfreude alert to ‘critical’” said a Westminster source.
“The smiles getting wiped off the faces of Boris Johnson, Dominic Cummings, and the rest of the Brexiters will be a serious test of our schadenfreude reserves, as will joy in the implosion of the Daily Mail.”
“And the sheer unadulterated pleasure of seeing Tony Blair’s sad face as Jeremy Corbyn becomes PM means we won’t just run out of schadenfreude, we’ll likely run out of schadenorgasm as well.”
While Germany is sympathetic to the looming schadenfreude shortage, they say they can’t send any supplies to the UK as they need all their schadenfreude for domestic consumption with their population equally fascinated with the Tory meltdown.
“The British will just have to make do with some homegrown ‘joyinthemisfortuneofothers’” said a German spokesman.
But Johnson says he remains confident there’ll be no post-Brexit shortages of schadenfreude. “We’re already in talks with China for a shipment of cheap, tariff-free gloat,” he confirmed.
“Cometh the hour, cometh the cat” is being whispered the length and breadth of the country, with Larry expected to live up to his job description and deal with the incoming blonde vermin problem.
“If Larry the cat doesn’t bite Johnson’s head off, or at the very least playfully catch and torture him till he scurries away, he might as well not be there” said an MP who wishes to remain anonymous. “But knowing our luck, Larry is just as likely to think Boris is his ‘spirit human’ given their shared love for doing nothing for 20 hours a day, and spending the other 4 hours eating food and having indiscriminate sex.”
Current Downing Street occupant Teresa May says she respects the Tory leadership election process. “Boris won fair and square, I admit that. I also admit that neither Philip nor I have fed Larry for 3 weeks and he is looking rather hungry.”
The Lib Dems and SNP strongly support Larry getting rid of Johnson, with the kinder gentler Lib Dems preferring a humane relocation, while the SNP prefers Larry “bites the bastarts heid aff – slowly.”
Despite Labour Party membership being overwhelmingly in favour of Larry the cat getting rid of Johnson, Jeremy Corbyn refused to be drawn on a position saying “Larry could eat Johnson, or he could let him remain, we are the party of both eaters and non-eaters”.
Fans had to endure being ahead until just before the end of normal time when a Colombian header gave hope they’d suffer a humiliating exit. Extra time revived hopes as England clinically steered the ball into the direction of their own net. Unfortunately those hopes proved to be in vain after England squandered a glorious chance to lose the penalty shootout after Henderson looked to have made them safe with a tame miss.
Rees-Mogg explains that noses are a wasteful European body part as it duplicates the role of breathing in and out which is already done perfectly well by the British mouth.
“Why bother having noses just because those Europeans do? To smell you say? That makes no sense” said Rees-Mogg.
Insurance assessor Alan Atkins said it was just by chance he found his perfect sport.
“I answered an ad for ‘lube trials’ so I expected things to be slippery. But it was still a surprise to hurtle down a steep ice slope at 90 miles an hour. An exhilarating surprise though as I’ve always had a thing about sliding down a slope as a giant cheese sandwich ever since catching a glimpse of a ploughman’s at the Squirrel Licker’s Arms when I was a boy” reminisced Atkins fondly.
The Republican Circus had hoped to cash in on it’s giant primate Donald who has amazed American people with his ability to exhibit rudimentary signs of human behaviour. The orange-u-tan can grunt and sniff as a form of speaking, and perhaps more controversially, some say Donald has the ability to communicate simple concepts through tweeting.
“To be honest, I’m not sure we thought through the implications of voting for Christmas” said turkey spokesman Kevin Sainsbury.
“Too many turkeys just blindly believed the Christmaser’s promise of an extra 250 million pounds without stopping to consider we’d have to give an arm and a leg in return, and probably a breast too.”
Inventor Doug Hines said he knew he’d developed a life-like sex robot when Roxxxy took one look at him and said “fuck off you sad, bald, loser, I wouldn’t sleep with you if you were the last man on earth”.
“We’re screwed. Trump is goading Kim Jong-un to fire an ICBM tipped in prostitute’s piss in our direction” sighed Washington DC cab driver Ed Stevens.
“All that time climbing the highest mountain, running through fields, and scaling city walls, and singing a song about it for over 30 years, when I could have just looked behind the couch and found that missing moral compass” confessed well known tax expert and occasional musician Bono.
“Taking my fecking sunglasses off for 2 minutes would’ve helped as well.”
“Every day at 8am and 6pm Larry would come up to me and meow and meow. He was obviously obsessed with the idea I should call an early election” said May.
“I gave him the brush-off saying ‘Larry I can’t do it – I’ve promised the British public 7 times I won’t call an early election’ but Larry just wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer” explained the PM.
“As the polls tighten, we’ve raised our schadenfreude alert to ‘critical'” said a Westminster source. “The smiles getting wiped off the faces of Theresa May, Boris Johnson, and the rest of the Tories will be a serious test of our schadenfreude reserves, as will joy in the implosion of the Daily Mail.”
“But it’s the sheer unadulterated pleasure of seeing Tony Blair’s sad face as Jeremy Corbyn becomes PM that means we won’t just run out of schadenfreude, we’ll likely run out of schadenorgasm as well.”
“Low tariffs, how bout no tariffs for a bonnet de douche deal?” said Jason. Britain will be the envy of this immortal curl. This time next year, we’ll all be millionaires!”
Trump said the US was being threatened on all sides by reasoned, well set out arguments and the time had come to fight back.
“We can’t fight reasoned arguments just relying on alternative facts alone, right?” said Trump.
Republican Senator Ben Sasse described the allegations as very serious. “We Republicans would never stoop so low as to read even if it’s just 140 characters – it’s just not in our DNE.”
“I have a great instinct for this sort of thing, there is no need to get lost in the detail” explained Trump.
“Everything is on the table, there’s the two-state solution, but I’ve also discussed the one-state solution with Governor Netanyahu. Perhaps it could be called ‘Israelvania’ as a compromise?”
“There’s no easy way to break it to him that his $8,000,000,000 wall can be scaled with a $9.99 ladder” confided a desperate aide who wished to remain anonymous.
A Dunstable travel agent asked to recommend a Greek island with lots of British food and beer and no foreigners cheekily suggested ‘Xenophobia’ only for her client to adamantly suggest he wanted to go there.
“It was a mess all of my own making” admitted Sarah from Thomson. “When he asked how far it is from Luton to Xenophobia, I shouldn’t have said ‘surprisingly close’.”
“It’s frickin’ ridiculous, I finally develop a foolproof plan to take over the world and I can’t even get a ransom of ten thousand dollars let alone one million” said Dr Evil. “People just smile at me and say ‘better the Dr Evil you know’, and ask if I’ll pose for a photo with them.”
“I think the pic worked” beamed the President-erect.
“The Chinese have stopped complaining about me taking a call from the President of Taiwan, I mean President ON Taiwan. And they say I don’t know how to be diplomatic? Sad!”
Despite Trump’s optimism, foreign policy experts remain on tenterhooks.
“If China so much as hints at ‘small hands’, it’s World War 3”, warned one expert.