‘I can see you’re amazed about my foreign policy knowledge’
President Trump used a press conference with Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu to say he doesn’t need detailed briefings from officials as he already has the smarts to solve the Israel-Pennsylvania conflict.
“I have a great instinct for this sort of thing, there is no need to get lost in the detail” explained Trump.
“Everything is on the table, there’s the two-state solution, but I’ve also discussed the one-state solution with Governor Netanyahu. Perhaps it could be called ‘Israelvania’ as a compromise?”
Just $9.99 from all good Mexican hardware stores
President Trump’s aides are frantically trying to work out how to tell their boss about ‘the ladder’ and how it is on sale for $9.99 at all good Mexican hardware stores.
“There’s no easy way to break it to him that his $8,000,000,000 wall can be scaled with a $9.99 ladder” confided a desperate aide who wished to remain anonymous.
A Dunstable travel agent asked to recommend a Greek island with lots of British food and beer and no foreigners cheekily suggested ‘Xenophobia’ only for her client to adamantly suggest he wanted to go there.
“It was a mess all of my own making” admitted Sarah from Thomson. “When he asked how far it is from Luton to Xenophobia, I shouldn’t have said ‘surprisingly close’.”
Filed under News, Transport
“I can’t even extort one frickin’ million dollars”
Dr Evil announced his retirement saying it’s no longer possible to make a living by threatening to take control of the world when people prefer that to Donald Trump being in charge.
“It’s frickin’ ridiculous, I finally develop a foolproof plan to take over the world and I can’t even get a ransom of ten thousand dollars let alone one million” said Dr Evil. “People just smile at me and say ‘better the Dr Evil you know’, and ask if I’ll pose for a photo with them.”
Filed under News, Politics
Donald Trump says he’s completely smoothed things over with China by sending them a snapchat of his dick to show how much more they mean to him than Taiwan.
“I think the pic worked” beamed the President-erect.
“The Chinese have stopped complaining about me taking a call from the President of Taiwan, I mean President ON Taiwan. And they say I don’t know how to be diplomatic? Sad!”
Despite Trump’s optimism, foreign policy experts remain on tenterhooks.
“If China so much as hints at ‘small hands’, it’s World War 3”, warned one expert.
Long dormant volcanoes in Auckland are being urged to get off their lazy asses and start spewing lava and gas in the direction of Destiny Church leader Brian Tamaki.
A self-styled bishop, Brian Tamaki attracted notoriety by saying the devastating Kaikoura earthquake was caused by homosexuals, quoting from the same section of the Old Testament that recommends sacrificing a goat before marrying your child bride.
Boris Johnson joined the chorus of people urging Facebook and Google to ban fake news, saying it could ‘influence an election’.
“We can’t have the democratic process subverted by Facebook and Google providing a platform for obscure news websites to publish plausible sounding but completely made up stories” integrity campaigner Johnson told the Evening Harold.
A bunch of people who’ve never had to wonder where their next meal is coming from are continuing their protests against President-elect Donald Trump.
The angry protesters gathered in mainly affluent cities to protest against President-elect Trump’s obvious racism after he proposed measures to keep illegal immigrants from crossing the Mexican border and he also questioned the wisdom of trade deals with China. Since President-elect Trump is so obviously and definitely racist, his supporters are obviously and definitely racist too, so the protesters reasoned as they burned a few cars to prove that Love triumphs over Hate.
“Jump off a cliff? We look twice before dismounting a stone.”
After the election of Donald Trump and Brexit, the lemming community says it’s rich of humans to lecture THEM about jumping off cliffs.
Lemming spokesman Nigel said while he and his fellow rodents were only endowed with very small brains, they gave up cliff jumping decades ago.
The crowd makes their displeasure known
An advertised burning of a Catholic terrorist turned ugly when it dawned on the crowd it wasn’t Tony Blair being burnt.
An expectant crowd gathered at Harold Common on the night of 5 November after seeing signs around the village advertising ‘Catholic terrorist burning’, with people travelling from as far as Dunstable and Felching to ‘see the bastard off’.
A young couple from Harold are ecstatic to have purchased their first printer ink cartridge before they turned 30.
“It’s a dream come true to finally hold the HP 364 cartridge in our hands” beamed Nick Stalling. “We’ll be paying it off for 40 years of course, but we now have a printer ink cartridge we can call our own. I only wish gran and grandad were still alive. They had their own typewriter and ribbon so this would’ve meant a lot to them.”
Vinnie Jones says Britain would be complete pussies to choose anything other than hard Brexit.
“It’s about self-respect” said Jones. “Soft Brexit sounds like something the French would do to appease the Germans.”
Gerald, in a blue period, due to the comparisons
Male octopuses say they are very respectful to females, and being linked to Donald Trump’s groping is very unfair.
Gerald the octopus says he and his friends always ask first before touching females of the species, and even then its the most gentle of caresses, not a grope.
Armed robbers who burst into Kim Kardashian’s Paris hotel room got more than they bargained for when the ubiquitous celebrity bombarded them with minute details of her daily routine.
With her bodyguard quickly overpowered and tied up, a brave Kardashian confronted the robbers in the only way she knows how – by oversharing every aspect of her personal life from plucking her eyebrows to oiling her bottom.
Labour MPs who attempted to topple Jeremy Corbyn achieved a victory of sorts after the Guinness Book of Records recognised them for conducting the world’s worst political coup.
Guinness World Records spokesman Jamie Clarke said the benchmark for disastrous coups was Operation Valkyrie where the plotters both failed to assassinate Adolf Hitler and got themselves all hung like cattle from piano wire. But the Corbyn coup was a worthy new record holder for its sheer sustained ineptitude and for it so spectacularly achieving the opposite result to that intended.
A local hypochondriac has set up a Just Giving page with an initial fundraising target of £1,000,000,000.
“I think I’ve got AIDS, and Dropsy. And Dengue Fever. Probably Zika too. Worst of all, I’ve got slightly dry skin on my upper arm that literally could be ANYTHING. I’m hoping a billion pounds will cover it” said Harold identity Sally Evans.
Jeremy Corbyn has shown his unifying credentials after obtaining endorsements from both the Judean People’s Front and the People’s Front of Judea, after earlier being endorsed by the Campaign for a Free Galilee and the Judean Popular People’s Front.
The Judean People’s Front and the People’s Front of Judea haven’t seen eye to eye for over 2,000 years, but both groups agreed the Tories and Blairites are far greater threats than Pontius Pilate and the Romans ever were as they threw their combined weight behind Corbyn.
Gavin Mitchell says he doesn’t regret his Brexit vote even though a river of shit is running from his bathroom to the living room.
“Actually I’m proud of this river of shit” said the Britain First member. “It’s a symbol of how patriots like me stood up to those Eastern Europeans who were taking the piss, and, as it happens, taking the shit.”
Mitchell said living in a rapidly growing torrent of excrement was a small price to pay for taking back control of Britain’s drains and sewers.
A frustrated Mo Farah says he doesn’t know what more he can do to secure the role of R2D2 in the Star Wars films after once again doing his trademark ‘Mobot’ celebration.
Farah says he truly hates running, but it’s a means to an end to get his dream robot role.
Morrissey caught in the act
Morrissey’s animal rights crusade may all be an act as allegations emerge he’s a chronic chicken strangler and monkey spanker.
Morrissey, who as lead singer in the Smiths sung the vegetarian anthem ‘Meat is Murder’, has publicly and noisily advocated for animal rights, but it seems behind closed doors the pop icon is not averse to abusing animals for his own selfish pleasure.