Suppositories in human form
Jacob Rees-Mogg and Nigel Farage have urged everybody in the UK to cut off their noses to take control of their face.
Rees-Mogg explains that noses are a wasteful European body part as it duplicates the role of breathing in and out which is already done perfectly well by the British mouth.
“Why bother having noses just because those Europeans do? To smell you say? That makes no sense” said Rees-Mogg.
A Harold man managed to fulfill his fantasy of sliding down a ice slope in a giant cheese sandwich and, as a happy by-product, represent the UK at the Winter Olympics in the double luge event.
Insurance assessor Alan Atkins said it was just by chance he found his perfect sport.
“I answered an ad for ‘lube trials’ so I expected things to be slippery. But it was still a surprise to hurtle down a steep ice slope at 90 miles an hour. An exhilarating surprise though as I’ve always had a thing about sliding down a slope as a giant cheese sandwich ever since catching a glimpse of a ploughman’s at the Squirrel Licker’s Arms when I was a boy” reminisced Atkins fondly.
Donald exhibiting rudimentary human-like behaviour
An American circus cannot bring it’s prize giant orange-u-tan to London over fears the animal will become stressed by all the public attention.
The Republican Circus had hoped to cash in on it’s giant primate Donald who has amazed American people with his ability to exhibit rudimentary signs of human behaviour. The orange-u-tan can grunt and sniff as a form of speaking, and perhaps more controversially, some say Donald has the ability to communicate simple concepts through tweeting.
“We’re prepared to admit we made a mistake”
Turkeys have had second thoughts about voting for Christmas and now seek a lengthy transitional period to fatten up in peace.
“To be honest, I’m not sure we thought through the implications of voting for Christmas” said turkey spokesman Kevin Sainsbury.
“Too many turkeys just blindly believed the Christmaser’s promise of an extra 250 million pounds without stopping to consider we’d have to give an arm and a leg in return, and probably a breast too.”
Filed under News, Politics
“Roxxxy said ‘fuck off loser’ the moment she saw me”
The technology of sex robots has improved so much they now won’t sleep with the sad losers that buy them.
Inventor Doug Hines said he knew he’d developed a life-like sex robot when Roxxxy took one look at him and said “fuck off you sad, bald, loser, I wouldn’t sleep with you if you were the last man on earth”.
The world is resigned to Armageddon after the realisation that at least one of the leaders in the US / North Korean nuclear pissing contest positively welcomes a golden shower.
“We’re screwed. Trump is goading Kim Jong-un to fire an ICBM tipped in prostitute’s piss in our direction” sighed Washington DC cab driver Ed Stevens.
“I should have taken my fecking sunglasses off”
Bono has admitted that what he was looking for was behind the couch all along.
“All that time climbing the highest mountain, running through fields, and scaling city walls, and singing a song about it for over 30 years, when I could have just looked behind the couch and found that missing moral compass” confessed well known tax expert and occasional musician Bono.
“Taking my fecking sunglasses off for 2 minutes would’ve helped as well.”
Theresa May has chucked Larry the Cat in a bin saying it was his incessant meowing that persuaded her to call an early election.
“Every day at 8am and 6pm Larry would come up to me and meow and meow. He was obviously obsessed with the idea I should call an early election” said May.
“I gave him the brush-off saying ‘Larry I can’t do it – I’ve promised the British public 7 times I won’t call an early election’ but Larry just wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer” explained the PM.
The world will probably run out of schadenfreude if the smug Tory ploy of calling an early election backfires and they lose, experts warn.
“As the polls tighten, we’ve raised our schadenfreude alert to ‘critical'” said a Westminster source. “The smiles getting wiped off the faces of Theresa May, Boris Johnson, and the rest of the Tories will be a serious test of our schadenfreude reserves, as will joy in the implosion of the Daily Mail.”
“But it’s the sheer unadulterated pleasure of seeing Tony Blair’s sad face as Jeremy Corbyn becomes PM that means we won’t just run out of schadenfreude, we’ll likely run out of schadenorgasm as well.”
Promising ‘no income tax, no VAT’ and touting his ability to speak most European languages, Del Boy Trotter, AKA David Jason, says he and sidekick Rodney are the men to negotiate a Brexit trade deal.
“Low tariffs, how bout no tariffs for a bonnet de douche deal?” said Jason. Britain will be the envy of this immortal curl. This time next year, we’ll all be millionaires!”
President Trump vowed to defeat liberal grammar Nazis with a huge build up of US exclamation mark and capital letter reserves.
Trump said the US was being threatened on all sides by reasoned, well set out arguments and the time had come to fight back.
“We can’t fight reasoned arguments just relying on alternative facts alone, right?” said Trump.
Damning proof that Obama can read
President Trump’s allegations that Barack Obama personally monitored him in the weeks before the election are likely true, although there is speculation the method used was ‘reading Twitter’ rather than wiretaps.
Republican Senator Ben Sasse described the allegations as very serious. “We Republicans would never stoop so low as to read even if it’s just 140 characters – it’s just not in our DNE.”
‘I can see you’re amazed about my foreign policy knowledge’
President Trump used a press conference with Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu to say he doesn’t need detailed briefings from officials as he already has the smarts to solve the Israel-Pennsylvania conflict.
“I have a great instinct for this sort of thing, there is no need to get lost in the detail” explained Trump.
“Everything is on the table, there’s the two-state solution, but I’ve also discussed the one-state solution with Governor Netanyahu. Perhaps it could be called ‘Israelvania’ as a compromise?”
Just $9.99 from all good Mexican hardware stores
President Trump’s aides are frantically trying to work out how to tell their boss about ‘the ladder’ and how it is on sale for $9.99 at all good Mexican hardware stores.
“There’s no easy way to break it to him that his $8,000,000,000 wall can be scaled with a $9.99 ladder” confided a desperate aide who wished to remain anonymous.
A Dunstable travel agent asked to recommend a Greek island with lots of British food and beer and no foreigners cheekily suggested ‘Xenophobia’ only for her client to adamantly suggest he wanted to go there.
“It was a mess all of my own making” admitted Sarah from Thomson. “When he asked how far it is from Luton to Xenophobia, I shouldn’t have said ‘surprisingly close’.”
Filed under News, Transport
“I can’t even extort one frickin’ million dollars”
Dr Evil announced his retirement saying it’s no longer possible to make a living by threatening to take control of the world when people prefer that to Donald Trump being in charge.
“It’s frickin’ ridiculous, I finally develop a foolproof plan to take over the world and I can’t even get a ransom of ten thousand dollars let alone one million” said Dr Evil. “People just smile at me and say ‘better the Dr Evil you know’, and ask if I’ll pose for a photo with them.”
Filed under News, Politics
Donald Trump says he’s completely smoothed things over with China by sending them a snapchat of his dick to show how much more they mean to him than Taiwan.
“I think the pic worked” beamed the President-erect.
“The Chinese have stopped complaining about me taking a call from the President of Taiwan, I mean President ON Taiwan. And they say I don’t know how to be diplomatic? Sad!”
Despite Trump’s optimism, foreign policy experts remain on tenterhooks.
“If China so much as hints at ‘small hands’, it’s World War 3”, warned one expert.
Long dormant volcanoes in Auckland are being urged to get off their lazy asses and start spewing lava and gas in the direction of Destiny Church leader Brian Tamaki.
A self-styled bishop, Brian Tamaki attracted notoriety by saying the devastating Kaikoura earthquake was caused by homosexuals, quoting from the same section of the Old Testament that recommends sacrificing a goat before marrying your child bride.
Boris Johnson joined the chorus of people urging Facebook and Google to ban fake news, saying it could ‘influence an election’.
“We can’t have the democratic process subverted by Facebook and Google providing a platform for obscure news websites to publish plausible sounding but completely made up stories” integrity campaigner Johnson told the Evening Harold.
A bunch of people who’ve never had to wonder where their next meal is coming from are continuing their protests against President-elect Donald Trump.
The angry protesters gathered in mainly affluent cities to protest against President-elect Trump’s obvious racism after he proposed measures to keep illegal immigrants from crossing the Mexican border and he also questioned the wisdom of trade deals with China. Since President-elect Trump is so obviously and definitely racist, his supporters are obviously and definitely racist too, so the protesters reasoned as they burned a few cars to prove that Love triumphs over Hate.