Down the toilet
The American public has woken up with the bastard hangover from hell, and is pretty sure it did something badly wrong yesterday.
Emerging shakily from the nation’s bathrooms into a world that seems nauseatingly harsh and unfriendly, Americans are trying to shake off the nagging suspicion that something they did was really really stupid and is bound to have been noticed by other peoples.
“When I woke up, I had my face down the toilet, which I can’t help suspecting is a metaphor for something,” explained George Zip from Ohio.
“I had all the classic signs – feelings of shame, a throbbing head, shame.”
“Did I say ‘shame’? Oh God, the shame!”
“I staggered outside, and had that real strange feeling that people were looking at me funny – women, black, Hispanic people, all looking at my like I’d done some really really dumb thing.”
What a tosser, though, really.
In the biggest shock yet to the 2016 Presidential race, an unidentified woman has come forward claiming not to have been ever groped or inappropriately touched by Republican candidate Donald Trump.
Masie Renfrew, 48, a dental hygienist from Brooklyn, claimed to sceptical journalists that she shared an elevator with Trump in 1986 without being molested by the bewigged octopus.
“He just sort of stood there looking at me out of the corner of his eye,” explained Renfrew. “He seemed to twitch slightly, but that could just have been the wig blowing in the air con. Then I got out, and he hadn’t done anything, I was shocked.”
“I supposed I’m lucky I was only going one floor.”
Foreigners seen here preparing traditional kebab dinner
Monarchists have reacted angrily to proposed new rules in which royal families will be forced to announce how many foreigners they contain.
Government proposals for the “naming and shaming” of monarchies with high numbers of immigrant royals were designed to “promote English nobility”, but instead risk penalising hard-working Greeks or Germans who contribute greatly to our society by taking massive civil list payments, according to a spokesman from Who’s Who.
“People like Prince Philip come here looking for a better life, and who can blame them,” insisted a Buckingham Palace insider.
In a rare apology, Donald Trump has admitted that his notorious ‘Make America Grope Again’ slogan might be a bad idea.
Following the release of a tape showing Trump confessing to grabbing unwilling women’s genitalia, the Republican presidential candidate has realised that he may be on the verge of losing the crucial ‘anti sexual assault’ vote.
Trump’s apology was comprehensive, covering his entire adult life, and yet still managed to suggest that Hillary Clinton might be largely to blame.
He explained his position to an array of journalists nervously covering their private parts with their hands in the manner of English football players in a ‘wall’ defending a direct free kick.
The new Samsung Note 7 phone, shortly before recall
Samsung’s military equipment division has announced an emergency recall of its latest SG-7 model hand grenade after users reported that the devices failed to explode under normal operating conditions.
After reports of phones and washing machines bursting into flames, the hand grenades are believed to be the only current Samsung product which does not explode. Users have reported holding the grenades in their hands without incurring severe burns, and no enemy soldiers have been killed by exploding shrapnel.
An English mercenary fighting in an unnamed African country expressed his disappointment that the new product failed unexpectedly.
“I was taking part in a coup against a democratically-elected President,” he explained, “When I lobbed a new Samsung grenade into a machine gun emplacement guarding the government buildings. Imagine my surprise when it suddenly didn’t explode. It just bounced off the guy’s head and rolled into the gutter – I felt a right idiot.”
“Luckily the detachable stylus came loose and speared him through the eye, causing instant death. I always wondered what it was for.”
Executives at Channel 4 have reacted with ‘suspicion’ to the announcement that the BBC is to launch a new cookery competition featuring Mary Berry, Sue Perkins and Mel Giedroyc.
Called the ‘Bake British Great Off’, details of the new show are being kept tightly under wraps by the BBC, but it is believed that members of the public will compete to bake cakes in a tent.
“On the face of it, this does sound rather similar to the thing we thought we’d just bought,” admitted Channel 4 boss Jay Hunt. “They have all the same people, baking cakes, in a tent. Even the name seems familiar. We may have missed a trick here.”
Pretty straight to the heart
Tony Blair has reacted to criticism of his shady deals with repressive dictators and huge banks by announcing that he will close all his commercial activities and focus on the simple things he is best at – massacring hundreds of thousands of innocent people in illegal wars.
“People have asked why I, being a former leader of this country, should sell my knowledge of our secrets to a foreign power, when no other former prime minister has ever done this,” explained Blair today to journalists while leaning casually on a huge pile of money.
“And I say to these people – ‘are you from Iraq? Because if you are, I’m going to slaughter you.'”
“That usually shuts them up. I’m a pretty straight guy, you know.”
“Death, death, death, death, blood, death – that’s pretty much the agenda. I’ve started bombing aid convoys in Syria – does that work?”
When asked if he had any other plans for the future beyond mass murder, the former prime minister was quick to elaborate.
“To be honest, I’m quite looking forward to doing Jerry Hall.”
A damning report into the Metropolitan Police has found that London’s black cars are almost twice as likely to be beaten up by crazed policemen than vehicles of any other colour.
In 2015, there were 849 incidents of police brutality involving black or dark-hued automobiles, compared with 450 cases of white cars being damaged in custody.
“These figures show that the streets are just not safe for vehicles of colour,” claimed Albert Renfrew of the activist organisation “Black Cars Matter”.
“Our capital’s motorists face this sort of blatant discrimination every day. Just last week, my local police decided to smash up my own immaculate black Mini, even though it was parked next to a white Skoda with flat tyres, no MOT and a large painting of a policeman with a penis for a head on the bonnet.”
“I don’t think this is a coincidence.”
In a move that has been criticised as taking commercialism too far, organisers of the Olympics have unveiled the official Rio 2016 gang of muggers, who will ruthlessly prey on sports fans visiting the city, but will only take items produced by the Games’ leading sponsors.
The small army of Games Takers, recognisable by their official uniforms, will enhance the Rio 2016 brand by moving discretely through the back streets surrounding the main stadiums, viciously snatching any products which visitors may be carrying, should they be from Visa, Samsung, Omega, or slightly less plausibly, Bridgestone Tyres.
“I was walking along, slightly lost, unwittingly flaunting the whole gamut of products from Proctor & Gamble,” explained one victim. “Pringles, Bounty, Vicks, you name it. They took everything. It feels so authentic! Unfortunately I now have two broken legs, and Samsung don’t do plaster casts.”
Two hearts that beat as one…
There were protests in the international diving community today after conjoined twinsTom and Dan Goodfellow-Daley won Olympic gold yet again with a perfectly-synchronised dive in Rio.
The twins, who are joined at the shoulder, thigh and buttock, rose as one off the high board before executing a perfectly simultaneous double backflip and pike, hitting the water at the exact same second.
“It seems so unfair,” complained Eddie and Geoff Rutter, an entirely separate pair of synchronised divers from the English village of Harold. “We understand that they’ve overcome great obstacles in life to get where they are today, but we feel that the being synchronised bit just isn’t as hard for them.”
“I mean, we’ve practised the timing and everything for years. We’ve developed a near-telepathic sense of oneness. And we asked if we could use a huge piece of duct tape to stick ourselves together, but they said no. So where’s the justice?”
Filed under Dating, Olympics
It’s a worry
In a move of either political genius or heartbreaking stupidity, Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has sensationally resigned from his own shadow cabinet along with everyone else.
Giving the reason for his resignation as “the staggering incompetence of the leadership around here”, Corbyn seems to finally have struck a chord with Labour voters, seeing his approval rating leap.
“The people in charge of this party have to realise that their performance just hasn’t been good enough,” he explained to a bemused interviewer this morning.
“During the referendum campaign I was completely invisible, lacklustre and unconvincing,” he thundered. “And it’s about time I stood up and told me I’m not taking any more of myself.”
Not exactly smallprint
Evil Brexit henchman Iain Duncan Smith has expressed amazement at the existence of a massive slogan on his battlebus promising to spend £350 million per week on the NHS, insisting he “never noticed it before”.
The Brexit campaign’s battlebus, outside which the former work and pensions secretary was frequently photographed, featured the slogan: “We send the EU £350 million a week – let’s fund our NHS instead.”
Vote Leave also issued posters reading: “Let’s give our NHS the £350m the EU takes every week”, and Duncan Smith himself frequently ripped off his shirt during the campain to reveal a giant tattoo covering his chest with the same message.
Despite these apparently convincing facts, Duncan Smith remained adamant that he knew nothing about it.
The enormous NHS pledge tattooed over half his body was actually an unusual birthmark, he insisted, and he’d assumed the giant white letters on his bus were the result of vandals.
“Oh, THAT giant white slogan!” he announced, when it was pointed out that he was standing in front of it. “I see what you mean now.”
“Probably kids, spray-painting ridiculous stuff like that all over a nice bus. Whoever did it should be ashamed – ruining something perfectly good just for their own twisted pleasure.”
“I wonder if they want a place on the team?”
OK, you first.
The country has reacted with bitter disappointment this morning to discover on waking that Nigel Farage is for some reason still in existence.
“Leaving Europe will bugger up our country for generations,” explained Evening Harold business editor Piers Waghorn, “But if there was one faint silver lining to this massive turd cloud it was that Farage should logically cease to be.”
“What’s he thinking? Why does he still exist? By now he should be a bad memory, not a living breathing arsepipe.”
The millions who voted to Leave the EU have also all expressed disappointment, explaining that the only reason they did it was to get rid of Farage once and for all.
“We realise the country will sink into recession and England is now the most despised nation on Earth,” admitted a spokesperson for the 52%.
“But it seemed worth it on the assumption that UKIP would disappear. We feel cheated.”
However, speaking to journalists, Farage insisted that his work was far from complete.
“On one level, I’ve ruined the country, it’s true. But there’s so much more to do. Have you got a swimming pool? Well do you go to one? Good, I’m going to piss in it. Then I’ll let down your tyres. Then I’m off to Tesco’s to touch all the fruit.”
“With my cock.”
“An arsehole’s work is never done!”
The clue’s on your hat, George…
Unexpected awkwardness was growing in the Conservative party this afternoon as it became apparent that chancellor George Osborne hasn’t yet realised that he is required to resign just as much as David Cameron.
In a buttock-clenchingly embarrassing display of obliviousness, Osborne has signalled his readiness to roll up his sleeves and begin work on economic adaptation to the new realities, tweeting “It is not the outcome I wanted but I respect decision of British people and will do all I can to make it work”.
“We just haven’t got the heart to tell him,” admitted a party spokesperson. “He’s all keen to get going, he doesn’t seem to have any idea that his political life expectancy is about three milliseconds longer than his mate Dave’s.”
“It’s a bit like one of those chickens still blissfully running around after its head’s been cut off, only more awkward. And with less chicken.”
And you, and you, and you…
Nigel Farage has taken a moment’s break from his loathsome victory writhings to clarify the Leave campaign’s promise to divert an alleged £350 million per day into the National Health Service.
“That was all bollocks,” he explained. “You see, we said that so that people would vote for us, but it isn’t true.”
“For a start, it isn’t actually £350 million. That was made up. We do pay into the EU, but we get most of it back. But that wouldn’t have made you vote for us.”
“The other thing, about giving the money to the NHS, that was what we in politics call a ‘lie’. We hate the NHS, we’re going to sell it to evil American corporations and deny all health care to poor people.”
“So it wouldn’t make sense to give it money, would it? Come on, be serious.”
“Anyway, today is a great day for democracy.”
“And to further clarify, when I say that, what I mean is – ‘you’re all fucked’. Thanks for listening!”
Turkeys are heading to the polls today to decide once and for all whether they should demand Christmas.
In a vote which is looking neck and neck, there is every chance that the nation’s turkeys will collectively decide that they want nothing more than to be slaughtered, roasted in fire and feasted on by salivating old Etonians.
“It’s about taking back control,” explained one turkey waiting patiently in line to be butchered. “I could live to a deeply dissatisfying old age, or have my head cut off.”
“Well, it’s my head, and I don’t see why anyone else should tell me what to do with it.”
Celebrity Eurosceptic and glutton Michael Gove explained why a vote for Christmas was the best thing for Britain:
“Our Turkeys know that what they really need is to be smeared with butter, roasted for four hours, and basted every thirty minutes.”
“I’ve been stuffing them for years, and they don’t seem to mind a bit.”
When asked for a comment, drooling carnivore Boris Johnson merely burped and muttered something about gravy.
A spokesturkey for the Remain Alive For God’s Sake campaign expressed disbelief that so many turkeys were voting to be killed and eaten, saying: “Are you not paying attention? They are going to kill and eat us! With gravy! Is that what you want?”
“We’re game!” chorused half the voting turkeys.
Following their high court defeat over plain cigarette packaging, tobacco companies have announced a move into branded chemotherapy treatment.
“We accept that we have to start moving into new areas,” admitted British American Tobacco spokesman Harry Death.
“Our research shows a remarkably similar demographic between cancer patients and our existing customers. Really, it’s uncanny.”
Marlboro have already launched an aggressive cancer drug for the rugged outdoors type, while Benson and Hedges’ Silk Cut chemo will be aimed at users who do not really need treatment but don’t want to feel like they’re missing out.
Meanwhile, for those who find the whole chemo thing a bit too strong, why not try menthol-chemo for the cool rush of winter – like that bloke in the operating gown in the Macmillan ads.
This is only the start of big tobacco’s monetization of its products’ longer-term effects. Camel have started selling amusing hump-branded urns, while Superkings have a range of longer than usual coffins for budget-conscious tall people.
Filed under Drugs, Health
Communism in action
A consortium of concerned parents has claimed a moral victory after the proven legality of term-time holidays caused travel firms to immediately quadruple their non-holiday prices to cash in on the massive demand.
“We’ve always said it’s a scandal that travel costs in the holidays are raised artificially to exploit parents,” explained Ron Pratt, who refused to pay a £60 fine for taking his children to Florida, causing local authority to take him to court.
After the High Court found that there was actually nothing illegal in taking children on term-time holidays, the major travel companies have taken only days to massively raise their prices for the rest of the year.
“Now prices are the same all year round,” trumpeted a jubilant Pratt. “Instead of being forced to pay an undeserved £60 fine, I now have the right to pay £2500 more to go to Florida in September.” Continue reading
Not a bell-end, apparently
Londoners have reacted with surprise to the news that their new mayor Sadiq Khan is not an evil, lying corrupt bell-end.
Unlike predecessor Boris Johnson, Khan has immediately given the impression of being a likeable, reasonable man, with little or no inclination to act like a complete arsewipe.
“We have to say we expected the sort of person who would lie about wasting millions of pounds of our money on building a green bridge for his mates,” confessed one Londoner. “Or who display casual racism every day, calling Africans ‘piccaninnies’, that kind of thing.”
Filed under News, Politics
She’s got Pedigree, chum.
Serena Williams is under investigation from sporting anti-doping agencies after a random check at the Italian Open.
Williams, who confessed to ‘inadvertently’ consuming dog food before the match, was found by medical staff to have a lovely glossy coat and cold nose after reaching the last eight of the Italian Open.
The world number one tried “a spoonful” of food meant for her dog, Chip, before beating fellow American Christina McHale in straight sets in Rome.
It is believed that doping experts were made suspicious by her uncharacteristically athletic performance in leaping at the net and catching the ball in her mouth, combined with her unusual end-change ritual of cocking her leg and urinating against the umpire’s chair.
Her opponent declined to make an official complaint, but seemed distracted by Williams’ tactic of constantly running round to her side of the court and sniffing her arse.
A spokesperson for the player denied that any performance advantage had resulted from the dog food, saying: “Serena has always been an honest player, not a cheat.”
“She’s a good girl. Who’s a good girl then? Yes you are, yes you are!”
Filed under News, Pets, Sport