From here it all looks blue and white
After stalling over the central issue of tie colour, talks aimed at solving some of Northern Ireland’s most contentious issues have re-started The five main parties will discuss parades, flags, dealing with the past and the colour of ties.
Talks chairman, former US diplomat Dr Richard Haass, is back in Belfast “for one final effort to help these clowns reach agreement.” Continue reading
Right wing, sexist, homophobic, anti-immigration, bigoted Ukip MEP, Godfrey Bloom, has said he is ‘against racism’ in a confrontation with a journalist who asked why there were no black people on the party conference programme; a question that was met with a slap round the head.
This startling revelation came within minutes of the part-time MEP, part-time Victor Meldrew look-a-like calling a room full of women ‘sluts’.
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The decision will be taken today whether or not Nick Robinson should be recalled out of hibernation.
The BBC look set to make the decision at a time when journalists traditionally take time off.
This has left them with a shortage of reporters to camp out side the main news stories: No 10 to cover the political discussions around military action in Syria, and in Scotland covering the second biggest birth event if the year, a pregnant panda.
A BBC spokesman said: “at this time of year, political reporting types like Nick are placed in a cardboard box with hole in the top and filled with straw, enough food and a copy of Private Eye.”
“They are then placed in the new Blue Peter garden in Salford for a couple of months, before being transported back to London and awoken in a controlled environment around Central Lobby.”
Although this has been done before, the Royal Society for treating Political Correspondents like Animals (RSPCA) has warned unless done with care the early reawakening process could cause problems with their body clock.
“It has been known that they think they are in September already” one RSPCA officer told us.
“When Andrew Marr was recalled early to cover the invasion of Iraq, he spent the first few days reporting on a Queen’s Speech that had not yet been written.”
“The confusion between what his brain was expecting and what he was hearing caused long-term, irreversible damage to his ears.”
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Mr Miliband insists he is a valued member of the team, despite spending 98% of his time in a box.
Following an application under the Freedom of Information Act, the Evening Harold has discovered that Labour leader Ed Miliband is employed on a ‘zero hours’ contract.
Despite ostensibly having a proper job that excludes him from claiming benefits, data shows that the MP for Doncaster North has done less than 35 minutes paid work in the last 3 years.
“It’s not ideal, but I have a strong work ethic”, insisted Miliband. “I’m prepared to do what it takes to stay on the job ladder. Obviously, it would be nice to feel wanted and to have something to say, but I must emphasise: for those 35 minutes, I was fully committed to leading an effective opposition.”
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Evaluations by environmental health officers in Westminster have shown that levels of bullshit (BS) have reached dangerously low levels. This has seen concerns for those in the media that feed off the BS, usually from a prime harvesting location outside 10 Downing Street.
The lower than usual levels of BS has been linked to the summer recess in parliament. As with honey production being down due to the lack of bees in the UK, BS production has hit an all time low as MPs pretend to do constituency work from yachts in the Mediterranean Continue reading
Warning: one of these creatures can crawl up the pipes and emerge from your toilet
A new horror to urban living has emerged following the local election results with scientists calculating that those in built-up areas are never more than three metres from a UKIP supporter.
Residents in Harold’s most populous area, which is lived in almost exclusively by Vikings and locally known as Little Copenhagen, are terrified.
”I was always worried about being in close proximity to rats,’ said blacksmith Nigel Thorvald. ‘And of course spiders. Did you know in your lifetime you swallow between eight and twenty spiders while you’re sleeping plus at least three a year crawl across your face to drink from your eyeballs?” Continue reading
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Records were broken at the local parish elections yesterday when it was revealed that the turnout of just five votes was 50% lower than the previous record low.
At a press conference, attended exclusively by the Evening Harold, Mayor Rufus D Jackson conceded that the polls were nothing to be proud of: “This is an historic day for our community but in a bad way. The fact that each of the candidates received just one vote each is not good, but at least I’ve retained office so it’s not all bad. It sustains my faith in democracy.”
Jackson admitted that it appeared that only the five candidates actually voted: “We will have to look into this of course,” adding “Questions will be asked in the Jackson household as to why I only received one vote.” Continue reading
The wax-Miliband on the high street appears to be about to speak but would anyone remember what it said?
Concerned villagers in Harold have erected wax and cardboard images of Ed Miliband to try and create a sense that the UK does have an active Opposition.
‘It’s all IDS this, Osborne that, and Cameron everywhere you look,’ complained Julie Kettle as she tried to clean the cardboard-Miliband outside The Squirrel Licker’s Arms. ‘Where’s the Leader of the Opposition? It’s scary. I feel like we’re living in a one party-state and it’s a crap party without any crisps or jelly. So we’re putting Milibands around the village to make it seem like he’s actually doing something and engaging with real people.’ Continue reading
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