Unhappy times past, when Andy lost his wedding to Djokovic
Andy Murray has apologised for letting down his fans again, after unexpectedly losing the birth of his daughter to Novak Djokovic.
Although this was the first time Murray had made it through to the final round of a pregnancy, he was relaxed and happy before the event.
“I’d played well in the pre-natal classes” said the Scot. Continue reading
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Murray overcome with joy
The Miss Universe 2015 contest has ended in confusion and disarray after the host mistakenly named Scottish tennis star Andy Murray as the surprise winner.
A shocked but delighted Murray had already been crowned, and was in the middle of a worldwide TV interview before the mistake was spotted.
“This is so unexpected, but I couldn’t be happier,” Murray announced in front of a cheering crowd. “I’ll do my very best to be as feminine as possible during my term as Miss Universe, starting with the grunting, that’s so important for us lady players.”
“I don’t think I’ve quite got the look yet, either. I’ve got quite a smooth backhand, but the rest of me is pretty hairy, to be honest.”
Andy Murray, with his trademark look of despair.
Andy Murray felt an immediate pang of regret, after giving away his tennis racquet to one of his 3 million Facebook followers.
“I’ve just realised that I’m going to need it again”, said Murray. “It’s quite important, because it’s what I use to hit the balls.”
Murray spent the afternoon trying to buy it back on ebay, but was shocked at how much it was now ‘worth’.
Current racquet owner Terry Hodges explained why it meant so much to him.
“I’ve always been a Murray fan, I’ve followed his career closely from his amateur days, so to win this was like a dream come true. I’ve set the reserve at £5,000.”
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“Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth…”
After declining to give an opinion on the referendum Andy Murray has finally acknowledged that if Scotland becomes independent then he will be just as gloomy playing tennis wearing a Saltire as he ever has been wearing a Union Flag. Continue reading
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Just give it time…
Wimbledon organisers are preparing for the end of an era this fortnight, as looming independence for Scotland has the unintended effect that everyone’s favourite joke about Andy Murray may not work any more.
The traditional “Andy Murray reverts to being Scottish” joke has been sighted every year since the plucky Scotsman first began losing at Wimbledon. The joke is a clever play on the fact that prior to losing, Murray is often referred to in the media as ‘British’, but after being defeated he is likely to be labelled ‘Scottish’, which is so amusing that pointing it out never gets tiresome.
It is traditional to wait several minutes after Murray is knocked out of Wimbledon before posting the joke on Facebook. Over the last few years, the joke has been ingeniously tweaked and subtly twisted to maintain its freshness, as seen in recent outings: “Murray reverts to being Scottish” (2012), “Murray reverts to being Scottish” (2011) and “Murray reverts to being Scottish” (2010). Continue reading
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You want to know where he got those scars? Sorry, wrong man. For some reason we were thinking about The Joker
With just four months until the referendum Scotland has been warned of a new consequence of independence: Tony Blair.
“The Yes campaigners are constantly bigging up famous and influential Scots,” said Better Together spokesperson Lydia Tanner. “Well, if Scotland becomes independent it will be responsible for arguably the most influential Scot of them all and must embrace Tony Blair as one of its own.” Continue reading
Ivan Lendl: the absolute personification of jolliness
Andy Murray has split with Ivan Lendl the coach under whose guidance he won both Wimbledon and Olympic gold saying that Lendl simply wasn’t “miserable enough”.
“I just can’t handle it anymore,” Murray told reporters. “Twice already this year Ivan’s smiled during a coaching session and, though he denies it, I swear I once heard him chuckle when he was talking to his wife on the phone.” Continue reading
Some tennis also being played
Reporting of the weather at the Australian Open reached a new high today with the extremely high temperatures being mentioned 44 times during a single match, the fourth time that the previous record has been broken during this tournament.
Before this year the record stood at 27 mentions of the weather in one match, during a thunder storm at the 2010 tournament, but soaring weather references have seen that record broken on each day of the 2014 event so far. Continue reading
More like ‘no personality’! Eh? Eh? I’m right aren’t I?
With Andy Murray named as BBC Sports Personality of the Year for 2013, people incapable of thinking for themselves have been busy repeating a ‘joke’ about him not having a personality.
“It’s called Sports Personality of the Year right? Personality, right? So how can Andy Murray win when he doesn’t have a personality??!” said James Luck, an office worker from Northampton, while grinning like he’d just invented comedy. Continue reading
In what some are calling “the custody battle of the century”, Andy Murray has been awarded the Sports Personality Of The Year in an attempt to secure his full British status after Scottish independence.
“We have given him the award to recognise his amazing achievements over the last year” the British said. “And make sure we have him Monday to Friday, but we are willing to let Scotland have him at weekends and Boxing Day.”
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They’ll have him back in 2015 if devolution makes him officially Scottish.
Andy Murray has been disqualified from the US Open for being a tea-drinking surrender monkey as the backlash against Britain by the United States continues.
Since a House of Commons vote on Thursday resulted in no support for the use of force against President Assad’s regime in Syria at this time, the US has had to find a new poodle to yap for it at the United Nations and relations between Britain and the US are at their lowest point since the early eighties when we opened Cats on Broadway and they shot one of the Beatles. Continue reading
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Murray assumes position for knighting himself
Andy Murray has spoken out for the first time about the unseemly ‘tug of love’ between David Cameron and Alex Salmond, which is tearing Britain’s favourite tennis player apart.
With Cameron pledging a knighthood and an open offer of cucumber sandwiches in Number 10’s rose garden, Salmond has hit back with a gift of 1,400 acres of Scottish coastline.
“It might seem a bit extravagant, but nothings too much for Scotland’s favourite son”, said Salmond. “There’s plenty more where that came from, if he should ever fancy owning his own loch.”
Not to be outdone, Cameron has promoted Murray in the line to the throne. He’s moved from 1,456,005th to third in just 48 hours.
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Our precioussss. It’s our birthday and we wants him.
David Cameron has confirmed that earlier this morning Andy Murray was formally offered asylum in England to save him from the threat of Scottish independence.
“We have been worried about this young man for some time,” said Cameron. “It started when he won the U.S Open only to increase as he went on to win Olympic gold and Queen’s. Yesterday’s triumph at Wimbledon served only to confirm that he must remain British.” Continue reading
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10.45 Hi tennis fans! Welcome to the Evening Harold live blog for today’s ‘action’ at Wimbledon. We’re expecting several over-privileged posh twats on court today, and hopefully at least a few hilarious hissy little fits.
11.00 Not long to wait now. We’re on Court no.1, where the reek of smugness is already radiating off the crowd. Some are wearing ‘fun’ hats, others are tucking into strawberries. Lovely. What a delightful group of tennis aficionados, as opposed to ‘stupefyingly dull pricks’ that Neil from Derby has just suggested by text message. Steady on Neil, you sound like a communist.
11.20 At last it’s time for the official warm-up session, where members of the public practice looking surprised when they’re picked up by the TV cameras. A coach is showing them how to master the ideal combination of delight and embarrassment, without slipping into crude, sexually suggestive hand gestures.
Matt from Surrey tweets: Come on Tim!
Hilarious. Wanker.
11.30 A small man dressed like Alan Partridge has climbed into a massive children’s high chair. Christ knows how much he paid for that ticket. The perverted little freak.
11.32 Boris Becker is next door, practicing doing his German accent. You’re not fooling anyone you know, Boris. You’re ginger for fuck’s sake.
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Murray may compromise by finishing second
Britain’s Scottish tennis star Andy Murray has revealed that he’s torn over whether to win Wimbledon just yet.
Hero Murray, who last year won an Olympic gold for a country, explained that winning Wimbledon was a ‘difficult decision’ that shouldn’t be taken too lightly.
“There’s a lot of emotion around this, and I don’t want to be hasty”, said Murray. “If I do decide to win, it should be for economic reasons.” But Scottish hardliners have accused him of sitting on the fence, or whatever it is ‘Sassenachs use down there in the middle of the court’.
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