Combined wealth: tens of millions. Combined empathy: zero
A Downing Street official has confirmed that the Cabinet are giddy with delight as they prepare to vote against pausing the rollout of Universal Credit which is predicted to push over a million children into poverty by 2020 and at least double homelessness. Continue reading
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That feeling you get when you bang your funny bone made flesh and given a Cabinet position, Jeremy Hunt, is a clear threat to the nation’s wellbeing but is banning him from turning up at hospitals whenever he feels like it the solution to preventing a winter health crisis? Continue reading
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Happy happy joy joy
As Labour continue to have an awfully big adventure in Brighton local inventors Dr Rachel Goody and Dr John Guest have announced that they’ve created the Perfect Conference Attendee.
“Through genetic mutation we’ve managed to change ordinary humans into beings that look smart, can only cheer and have five sets of hands in order to easily generate thunderous applause,” said Dr Goody.
The PCAs also possess reinforced legs as well as the stamina to give five hour standing ovations however their inventors are still tinkering.
“We won’t be finished until our PCAs have no ability to think,” said Dr Guest. “Then they’ll be ready for Ukip.”
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The May stood on the burning deck
Whence David Cameron had fled;
The bus o’lies that started all this dreck
A rusted heap long dead.
Yet strong and stable she stood,
To the EU she would not yield –
A creature of Oxford and the Bank of England,
Who’d rather run through a wheat field. Continue reading
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Friendliest. PM. Ever
As Brexit unfolds with all the grace of a bloated corpse falling out of a walk-in freezer and Donald Trump continues to, you know, be, villagers are finding comfort in the idea that all this is down to lizards. Continue reading
Filed under Conspiracy
Give it a few months and this is what’ll be like every time you nip down the shops
As the government steers Brexit with all the skill of a cow attempting to land a Lockheed Martin F-35 Lighting II on the deck of a storm-tossed aircraft carrier at midnight it has decided to give police and prison officers more money. Continue reading
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So many guilty looking types, so little time
Police across the UK are speaking of their sadness at the news that the Righteous Copper’s Friend aka the Yellow Pages will now be entirely online.
“It brings a tear to my eye,” said Harold’s entire police force PC Anita Flegg. “Since 1966 Ol’ Yeller has been a vital component in many a conviction. Beating the shit out of some nasty little scrote until they confess to everything from the Gunpowder Plot onwards won’t be the same when we’ve got to do it with a laptop.” Continue reading
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It only takes a second to be safe and it could’ve saved us from both endless conspiracy theory bulltwang and Paul Burrell ever becoming a thing
Two decades have passed since the nation was brought to a standstill by a very good example of why you should always wear a seat belt. Continue reading
According to Trump there’s very bad lions on both sides of this
Compelling evidence that the world isn’t real but a computer simulation that’s gone tits up in a crappy suit, Donald Trump, has told a press conference that he is proud to have pardoned Scar, a hirsute regicide from Pride Rock. Continue reading
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Look at that face, is that really the so-called Leader of the Free World? We’d prefer Mr Pastry
An urgent appeal for volunteers has been made by a group set up to help those who just can’t take in the fact that the United States has an illiterate and racist satsuma in charge of it. Continue reading
Filed under Donald Trump
Claim you went here and got lots of O.W.Ls and N.E.W.Ts, no one will ever check
A level results getting villagers today are happy in the knowledge that absolutely no one cares.
“All through school I was told that A levels would define my entire life,” eighteen year old Simon Delaney told us. “Now I’ve finished I know that they serve no purpose whatsoever and that I can now get on with doing things on my own terms.”
“A levels, degrees – all a load of bobbins,” Cassie Fine, owner of local geek shop Dungeons & More Dungeons said. “My CV says I went to Miss Cackle’s Academy for Witches, did a BA at Unseen University, an MPhil at the College of Winterhold and a DPhil at the Tufty Club. Never had a boss who’s bothered to check if it’s true.”
The rumour that A levels now only exist in order to allow Jeremy Clarkson the opportunity to post the same smug tweet about them every year remain persistent but as yet unconfirmed.
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‘So tired, can’t brain. Will “Woman who’s been dead for twenty years, still dead” do as a headline?’
The end of August currently seems to be a hundred years away for knackered tabloid journalists ordered to write as much Princess Diana related bobbins as possible day after day. Continue reading
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Looks like One has just spotted a peasant
Alarmed at no longer being able to simply dispatch her husband to go and open a badger sanctuary whenever he starts getting on the royal tits, the Queen has spent some of our money on buying him a shed to sit in. Continue reading
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Would things really be much worse if he was in charge?
Fans of the tits ‘n’ dragons spectacular, Game of Thrones, are claiming that the episode leaked online is a hoax and that naughty hackers have put up a documentary on Britain instead.
“I’m very disappointed,” said local fan, Meya Begum. “It’s just crappy weather and miserable peasants being taken advantage of by a privileged few who couldn’t find their arses with a map. I was hoping to see The Wall but I’m sure I saw a branch of Greggs instead.”
“All you get to see is people being manipulated into ruining their lives because of a shiny slogan written on the side of a bus, I mean banner,” she said. “The only thing that makes me wonder if it’s fantasy after all is that in this all the poor people are thin.”
Blimey, Harry’s not aged well
Though for years it has been thought that even a book containing nothing more than the same picture of a puddle on every page would sell millions of copies as long as readers were assured that the puddle was in the grounds of Hogwarts, the legend of The Boy Who Lived has finally failed. Beaten not by a terrifying Dark Wizard but by a sweaty meeting room in Brussels.
“This new story’s rubbish,” said local Harry Potter fan, Jane Hough. “I’m prepared to believe in magic, flying cars, house elfs and all that. But this new book claims that Harry’s leading the Brexit negotiations with no plan and no idea of the consequences. That’s just too far-fetched.”
“And I don’t agree with changing Ron and Hermione’s names. Ron’s now this loud blond buffoon who does nothing constructive but seems to think he’s going to be the next Prime Minister and Hermione’s a brittle nightmare who only ever says three words at a time: “Brexit means Brixit”, “strong and stable”, “confidence and supply”. Has a Dementor sucked out her brain as well as her soul?”
“I might stick with it to the end. Hopefully Harry’ll be a hero after all and cast the obliviate spell on everyone and then we’ll forget Brexit was ever going to happen.”
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Still less bleak looking than HMP Dartmoor
The government has come under fire for for cutting almost all funding to the prison system and opting to chuck prisoners into a sarlacc pit instead. Continue reading
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As she marches she can sing that old classic “The Pink Frock My Father Wore”
World’s most angry and bigoted neighbourhood watch group run amok, the DUP, have stopped rolling around in all their magic money tree cash long enough to order the Prime Minister to radically change her holiday plans. Continue reading
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A pleasant change from all those holiday photos of Dave pointing at fish
Bored of slowly making life worse for everyone but themselves the government has decided to lighten the mood and ruin the country completely over the next few days in order to surprise Theresa May when she returns from Italy.
Continue reading
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Ugh, a woman as the Doctor. How Tory is that?
Labour have offered comfort to men so incensed by Doctor Who now starring someone who doesn’t have a musket-and-bandoliers swinging about between their legs that their own are in danger of falling off through sheer rage by assuring them that the leader of their party will always be a man. Continue reading
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Strong and stable or don’t you think she looks tired?
Facing the prospect of Brexit kicking the UK so hard it’ll be wearing its arse for a hat as Conservatives from councillors to MPs are seemingly engaged in a ‘who can blather like the most offensive bubbly-jock’ contest while Michael Gove and Boris Johnson are like just out there, you know, loose, a frantic Theresa May has opted to turn the Tories off and on again in the hope that’ll fix all their and her problems. Continue reading
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