Monthly Archives: December 2013

by | December 3, 2013 · 2:30 pm

‘Greenwash’ claims over double-glazed pint glasses

ecopint

Landlord insists ‘ecopint’ is at least as efficient as windfarms.

A local pub landlord has been accused of misusing a green energy grant, after spending the entire budget on double-glazed pint glasses.

Eddie the barman at the Squirrel Lickers Arms has been charged with ‘greenwash’ by a group of thirsty environmentalists. The same group has also raised doubts over the accuracy of the energy labels adorning his beer pumps, and criticised a ‘green levy’ on so-called ‘hippy sh*t’ on the jukebox.
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by | · 12:30 pm

UK falls down world education league tables; great result for Simon Cowell

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Shanghai may have clever kids, but do they have Jedward?

The UK has fallen outside of the top 20 in a world league table of educational standards, a result seen as “positive” by X-Factor creator, Simon Cowell.

“Having an education is one thing, but aiming for a decent career takes away people’s ambition to be famous for five minutes,” Cowell said.
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by | · 11:00 am

Tom Daley posters now on 100% of UK teenager’s bedroom walls

tom-daleyTom Daley’s announcement that ‘right now I’m dating a guy’ while also clarifying ‘I still fancy girls’ has ensured that every UK teenager now has a Tom Daley poster on their bedroom wall.

“I’ve loved Tom since he was in short trousers, well he’s still in short trousers” said Melanie Delaney, aged 19 from Harold. “I’m just so relieved that Tom is only dating that guy ‘right now’. As soon as Tom gives him the flick, I’ve got a really good chance as he’s made it clear he ‘still fancies girls’.”

Melanie’s brother, Simon Delaney aged 16, was full of excitement as he stuck his first Tom Daley poster to his wall. “I’ve always known I was gay and I can’t wait to meet Tom as soon as he finishes with the guy he is with ‘right now’.”
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by | · 7:00 am

Tesco “giant catapult” delivery system will rival Amazon drones

tesco flinger

Device can also be used to destroy local businesses.

Tesco have responded to Amazon’s announcement that they are looking to use unmanned drones to make deliveries by revealing their own new delivery system, a series of giant catapults.

“Amazon’s plans to use unmanned drones need so much to fall their way that this is clearly just a publicity stunt.” said Philip Clarke, CEO of Tesco plc, “They are targeting 2018 for their ‘drone deliveries’ but for that to happen not only do they need significant changes in legislation, they also need huge progress in the technology involved. The technology behind our giant catapult system has been around for centuries, and as far as I know there are no laws against launching groceries through the air.” Continue reading →

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by | December 2, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Aldi employ sheepdogs to ‘herd’ customers around their shops

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Discount supermarket, Aldi, has announced its plan to get customers in and out as quickly as possible in the run up to Christmas. From Thursday stores will employ sheepdogs to herd people around the stores and to the tills.

“We often see an increase in customers this time of year, and many are here for first time,” joint chief executive, Matthew Barnes said.

“We make no money from people standing around in the aisles or taking time to read the ingredients, so we have partially trained Bull Terriers to herd them round as quickly as possible.
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by | · 11:00 am

Best friends forever: Britain pleads with China to love it more than the USA

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Pastry, potatoes, beef, swede and onion. You can’t beat that, Ronald McDonald.

David Cameron has flown to Beijing with a delegation of high achieving Brits to beg China to love the UK more than it loves the US. On his knees on the tarmac at Beijing Capital Airport the Prime Minister said “Britain will act as China’s strongest advocate in the West” before promising “dialogue of mutual respect and understanding” as well as a blind eye turned to all China’s abuses of human rights and the environment, and at least five more seasons of Downton Abbey.

“China should be our bestie not that of those across pond,” Cameron said. “What has the Untied States ever done for the world? We’ve given it the Cornish pasty, Fifty Shades of Grey and the tuning fork: no contest.” Continue reading →

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by | · 7:00 am

Cyber Monday: idiots saddened by lack of queues

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Progress: 70 years ago we queued for rations, now we queue for shiny things and no one has to pretend that they find Tommy Trinder amusing.

Today is Cyber Monday the busiest day of the year for online sales during which Britons will spend over one billion pounds on PlayStation 4s, Breaking Bad box sets and inflatable toast (seriously, that is a thing). While most of us relish shopping naked and not getting arrested or uploaded to YouTube, and Amazon’s agency drones will be forced to walk the equivalent of to the moon and back before being allowed their first break, idiots are lamenting the lack of queuing. Continue reading →

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by | December 1, 2013 · 2:05 pm

Sharp rise in wardrobe damage as desperate Brits try to get to Narnia

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We’ll go through but only if there’s a Nando’s on the other side.

There has been a sharp rise in wardrobe damage across the country as desperate Britons try to get to Narnia in order to seek asylum from the coalition government. A political regime that many are describing as ‘a bit rubbish’.

Narnian immigration spokesanimal Mrs Beaver said that she was baffled by the sudden enthusiasm for her country. Continue reading →

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by | · 11:00 am

Osborne to make Autumn Statement in stunning georgette dress

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It’s the frock on the right that really says massive financial inequality to us.

The venue for the Chancellor’s Autumn Statement this year will be the O2 Arena, Downing Street has announced.  “The House of Commons is far too dreary a setting for the nation’s finest showing off their finest finery,” said artistic director, Nico Rubaiyat, “but in the O2, we can give The Statement  the full son-et-lumiere makeover.  I’m working with some beautiful pinks and oranges and there’s a bit of yellow in there too.”  The show will be broadcast live on 5 December, simultaneously on BBC Parliament and Radio 1 Extra. Continue reading →

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