Monthly Archives: July 2013

by | July 3, 2013 · 2:30 pm

BBC announce Doctor Who Ramadan special

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Nothing is more British than this

The BBC announced today that it is to broadcast a special episode of family favourite Doctor Who to coincide with start of Ramadan on 9th July. The exact details of the plot remain a closely guarded secret but it is understood that the Doctor will make a new acquaintance and share the meal that breaks their daily fast – iftar – with them and their family.

“There have been and always will be Christmas specials of Doctor Who,” said Paul Regan, a spokesperson for the show. “But as someone who travels throughout space and time the Doctor has of course witnessed many different religious festivals so this year we are showing him getting involved in one as well as reflecting a part of the hugely diverse Doctor Who audience.” Continue reading →

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by | · 10:55 am

Pirelli blame tyre failures on F1 teams “putting them on cars and driving”

About to explode?

About to explode?

Pirelli have blamed the series of tyre failures at the weekend’s British Grand Prix on the way F1 teams are using the tyres, most notably that they are “putting them onto racing cars and driving on them, sometimes really fast”.

The Italian company has modified the tyres for future races but say that teams need to take their share of responsibility and review the way that they are using them, maybe considering not driving so fast or for so long.

“In tests we have found the tyres to be perfectly safe if stored in a neat pile at room temperature. In these conditions very few of them spontaneously explode.” said a statement from Pirelli.
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by | · 7:00 am

New Pool Users Left ‘Bummed Out’.

Is it a chocolate log?

Is it a chocolate log?

The gala opening of Dunstable’s new multi-million pound swimming and leisure complex hit a bum note yesterday, after a patron took ‘bombing the pool’ literally.

Just moments after the official opening ceremony, and within minutes of the great and good of Dunstable, Harold and Felching taking the plunge into the state-of-the-art pool, local school children, politicians and selected villagers were evacuated after an evacuation of an altogether different kind.

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by | July 2, 2013 · 2:00 pm

Urgent Appeal: just £5 a month could buy a Guardian journalist a haircut

guardians

Sometimes we pretend not to notice. Other times, we compliment their clothes. But you can’t hide forever from the ugly truth right  in front of you: Guardian journalists are suffering NOW from Shit Hair.

For just £5 a month, a volunteer hairdresser will pick the biggest bits of cake from the thatch of Julie Burchill. £10 could teach Hadley Freeman how to use a comb. For a generous one-off payment of just £30, you could help Alexis Petridis to trim his own hair with an adult pair of scissors, or at least chew it with a less blunt rodent.

Guardian journalists need YOUR HELP, NOW, before they’re mistaken for tramps by their own interns. Perhaps they do it to make a point of not conforming to stereotypes of attractiveness, perhaps it was really windy on The Tube this morning. Perhaps they all just have really short arms.

Whatever the reason, we need to reach our target of £25,000. That could buy enough conditioner to treat Suzanne Moore.

Don’t just stare at your shoes, look them in the eye and tell them a professional can Probably Sort That Out.

Friends of The Scurf. Together, we can beat canker.

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by | · 11:00 am

‘Invisibility cloak’ pioneer fails to turn up for physics prize again

prize

Pendry (centre) nearly seen accepting his prize

The physicist who proposed the idea of an “invisibility cloak” has failed to appear to receive the Newton Medal, the highest honour of the UK’s Institute of Physics. Imperial College’s Professor Sir John Pendry had been awarded the medal for his work on cloaking and stealth camouflage, but despite assuring organisers he would attend, when the presentation ceremony began he was nowhere to be seen. Some guests swore they could hear someone trying to attract attention in the background, but all attempts at searching were in vain.

This is not the first time Professor Pendry has mysteriously gone absent from an important event. A few months ago he was due to speak at a meeting of the Government’s special committee on scientific matters, but his chair remained empty thr0ughout the session, despite organisers having the odd feeling that they were being watched.

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by | · 7:00 am

Asset stripping government to sell off Stephen Fry

Fluctuations in Fry’s weight in gold has been blamed on national treasure investors

Fluctuations in Fry’s weight in gold has been blamed on national treasure investors

Days after Chief Secretary to the Treasury, Danny Alexander, told the House of Commons that the government will be selling off £15 billion worth of public assets now that their policies have done to the economy what the volcano did to Pompeii, the Great British Fire Sale began in earnest with bidding being opened on Stephen Fry.

“Assets aren’t just companies and institutions though God knows we’re flogging off enough of them: the Student Loan Company, Royal Mail, the NHS it’s all got to go,” explained a treasury insider. “The great wealth of a nation lies in its people. So they can jolly well be priced, packaged and sold off too. Simples.” Continue reading →

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by | July 1, 2013 · 7:00 am

Pirelli urge FIA to hold German Grand Prix on ‘fairly straight section of autobahn’

autobahn

Staying awake will be just one of the challenges

Following a disasterous number of blow-outs during this weekend’s British Grand Prix, engineers at Pirelli are urging the FIA to avoid tight corners until they can work out how to make tyres.

“From reviewing the footage of Hamilton’s tyre failure, we were able to ascertain that he was driving quite fast”, explained Pirelli’s marketing chief Lorenzo Capellini. “And to be honest, anyone trying to go round a corner like that is definitely asking for trouble.”

With speed and cornering both identified as culprits, Pirelli think they’re close to finding a solution. Computer simulations have shown that either a very slow race or one in a fairly straight line would be reasonably safe, as long as they change tyres every three or four miles.
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