Tag Archives: war

Trump to start World War III to distract everyone from links with Russia

We’ll be fine in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, we’ve played the arse out of Fallout 4

Hang on, we’re right. Aren’t we?

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Disappointment as ‘war’ between Boris Johnson and Liam Fox doesn’t involve bloodshed

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Gunnery Sergeant Hartman would reject this war face

There was sadness across the nation this morning as everyone realised that the much hyped ‘war’ between Boris Johnson and Liam Fox isn’t proper and that neither of them are going to get so much as paper cut . Continue reading

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Filed under Politics

WAR – this time it’s different, explains Cameron

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Not this time, says Dave!

The government has explained that the decision to flatten Syria will not cause any of the disastrous problems usually associated with this sort of thing.

Anti-war campaigners, innocent Syrian people and other terrorist sympathisers had pleaded desperately that the inevitiable outcome of bombing would be a hellish nightmare on Earth, but these concerns have now been addressed directly by Prime Minister David Cameron. Continue reading

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Filed under bombs, Children, War

Rousing bombing display by Red Arrows heals parliamentary rift

red arrows

Oooh! Aaaah! Aaaargh!

The first sortie against Daesh forces in Syria has been applauded across all parties, after it was completed by the Red Arrows streaming patriotic smoke.

The world-famous display team drew croweds of admirers, before accidentally killing a family of seven while flying in the diamond formation.

But the survivors really enjoyed the bit where they flew at each other and swerved at the last minute; “My mum would have loved that”, gasped one survivor, “if she hadn’t been blown up a few seconds earlier.”
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Filed under War

Drone pilot wins Victoria Cross

for valour

Although untraumatised, pilot will need years of occupational therapy.

A drone pilot, battling away in a reasonably comfortable lounge, has become the first remote combatant to achieve the Victoria Cross.

Despite a searing repetitive strain injury and being down to his last 2 bags of pretzels, John Stilgo continued to pour missiles into a deadly Afghanistan orphanage.

“I wasn’t concerned at all for my own safety”, revealed Stilgo. “Instinct took over. I just knew I had to push through if I wanted to beat the squadron’s highest score.”
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Filed under Around Harold, Society, War

“It’s just kak”: World agrees to restart 2015 after horrendous beginning

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Happy new New Year: more kittens, less bullets

In an unprecedented move almost the entire world has agreed to press reset and start 2015 again.

“The year so far while young in days has been high in tragedy. It’s just kak” said David Cameron. “Let us all as one pause, step back and have another go. But not the sales again, let’s try to have a little dignity this time and not be queuing outside Next at 3:00am.” Continue reading

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British troops return to Camp Bastion to check they hadn’t left the gas on.

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In a British tradition that dates back to the very early days of travelling, after finally leaving Camp Bastion following 13 years of war in Afghanistan, British troops had to make an embarrassing u-turn and go back to the base to check they hadn’t left the gas on.

Everything had gone according to plan with a flag lowering ceremony attended by dignitaries in front of the world’s media, and then the last troops leaving the base in an operation involving 17 waves of helicopters and planes departing marking the end of our presence in the country.

However on the plane home someone asked the question ‘did you turn the gas off?’

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Putin warns he can deploy more holidaymakers within 45 minutes

'Passport? Check. Sun cream? Check. Unlimited ammunition? Check'

‘Passport? Check. Sun cream? Check. Unlimited ammunition? Check’

Vladimir Putin has warned the west that should it continue to interfere with the situation in Ukraine, he can deploy some more highly trained holidaymakers armed with passports, sun cream, and unlimited ammunition within 45 minutes.

“Obviously I know nothing about them crossing the border,” Putin said, “but I do know that Russian holidaymakers take their holidays very seriously, especially when they are on holiday from military duty and in an area that Russia is keen to control.
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Filed under Defence, International News, News, Politics

UN threatens to shake its fist and say ‘grrr’ if hostilities don’t end

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With bold statements such as ‘stop fighting, now’, ‘stop killing children’, and ‘will you stop teasing Ukraine’, the world’s well-meaning but ultimately powerless parent, the UN, has threatened to start shaking its fist in a frustrated manner whilst saying ‘grrr’ if hostilities around the world don’t stop.

“We are in a difficult position”, UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon said. “Israel blame Hamas who in turn blame Israel, Russia’s friends are destroying Ukraine but Russia says it doesn’t know them even though we saw them all drinking together in the park. And God knows what North Korea are up to, we haven’t seen them in ages.

“We’ve tried sanctions on Russian billionaires but who knew they didn’t keep all their assets in one legitimate bank account?
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Filed under International News, News

US ‘military advisers’ in Iraq lambasted for inappropriate dress

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The only people less fond of peace than Tony Blair

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‘But I must have more blood’ says Blair

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Pretty straight guy

Prince of Darkness and Supreme Evil Being Tony Blair has insisted that the West should again go to war in Iraq to provide him with a supply of the fresh blood of the innocents which he needs to retain his youth and immortality.

Commentators from across the political spectrum have denounced the returning of troops to the country as absolute insanity, but Blair is adamant that a resumption of conflict is the only way he he will be able to gorge on the human blood he so desperately craves.

“Look, I’m a pretty straight guy,” he explained to reporters this morning. “And, you know, my blood lust shall be sated. Great.”

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Obama says US ships in Persian Gulf ‘not war starting, dolphin watching’

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USS George H.W Bush. America has ten of these things. Bit greedy, no?

President Obama has denied ordering US Navy ships into the Persian Gulf for hostile reasons.

“Our ships, their thousands of armed personnel and countless drones and missiles, are not getting close to Iraq to start a conflict,” he told the American people in a televised address. “We are merely dolphin watching which is just lovely. Many other things are lovely including oil and massively lucrative reconstruction projects but they’re for another day. I pinky swear.” Continue reading

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Villagers fear being sent to the Hague after Blair says ‘we’ aren’t to blame for Iraq crisis

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It’s no use looking up there, Tone. God’s not the slightest bit impressed.

There is fear and confusion on the streets of Harold this morning following the publication of an essay on Iraq by Tony Blair. In it the former PM states that “We have to liberate ourselves from the notion that ‘we’ have caused this.” Continue reading

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Sanctions on Himmler and Goebbels fail to deter Hitler from occupation of Poland

putDespite the imposition of sanctions on his closest allies, it appears that German leader, Adolf Hitler remains resolute in his insistence that “The Poles had been asking for it for years and now that they had been invaded it was no use squealing and asking for help from a bunch of lily livered do gooders.”

The West’s reaction to the invasion has been powerful. Leaders have condemned the actions in the “strongest terms” and there is talk of ramping up their opposition by not going to the tea party that the Fuhrer had been planning to host, taking their knitting circle to dear dependable Mrs Belgium’s instead.

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Red faces at National Archive after Baldrick poem published with WW1 soldiers’ diaries

Owen, Sassoon, Brooke, .... Baldrick?

Owen, Sassoon, Brooke, …. Baldrick?

Officials behind the launch of a major initiative detailing lives of ordinary soldiers during the First World War were embarrassed by the discovery that they had mistakenly included the work of Blackadder character, Baldrick, in the achieve release.

The work, entitled ‘The German Guns’ and attributed to Private S.O. Baldrick, was actually written by the sitcom’s writers Richard Curtis and Ben Elton some 70 years after the end of the conflict. Elton was reported to be “delighted at the news” and friends said he was already checking to see if royalty payments may be due.

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Tensions rise over weapons between North and South village gangs

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The long running battle between gangs in North and South Harold saw a worrying development yesterday as the North declared a state of ‘we’re gonna knock you out, innit’ against their Southern counterparts.

The situation in Harold has been bubbling under the surface for a long time, but has escalated amid fears that the ‘People’s Democratic Rudeboys of Harold’ (PDRH) have tested long-range catapults.

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Filed under Around Harold, Crime, News