“No, they all taste like that. Don’t worry.”
Serial tax-system-rapists, Starbucks will open a store in Milan next year, says CEO Toby Green. “We open in Milan, then further stores will be rolled out across the country. Think of waves of Sherman tanks in 1943.”
“Basically, we’ll f%ck the Italian treasury up the a%se from Sicily to the Swiss border, with Rohypnol-laced champagne cocktail parties and our tried-and-trusted off-shore profits, on-shore losses tax strategy. It worked like a dream in the UK. Well, we told them it was a dream.”
Once the whole country has been impoverished, the Starbucks outreach team will return to Milan. “Italian culture gave us espresso, Ferraris and more recently, multi-million dollar compensation packages.” says Green “and we want to demonstrate our respect for that culture and tradition.”
“So when we get back to Milan we’ll be hanging their Finance Minister from a lamp-post in the Piazzale Loreto.”
Filed under Business, News
Starbucks executives are furious after an incautious purchase of a plastic bag resulted in the multinational making its first ever contribution to the UK Exchequer.
“5p doesn’t sound like much, but it’s a matter of principle” said Starbucks UK head Mark Fox.
Filed under Business, News
Campaign ‘left bad taste in the mouth’
A tea shop in Harold has been vilified on Twitter, after a racial equality promotion descended into farce.
Mick Clarkson, owner of the ‘Brew-ha-ha Tearoom’, claims he was trying to create a utopia when he gave his staff some permanent markers.
Unfortunately, police were called and two Moldavian workers arrested, after racist slogans were spotted on customer’s cups.
“We are not racist, we like at least one person from other side of village”, claimed Nikolai Spitz. “And we do not hate everyone else as has been suggested.”
The row erupted after Ron Ronsson was served a latté with the phrase ‘Some Kosabians wipe properly’ written roughly where his lips would have been.
The irony of collecting tax in a Starbucks cup was lost on this tax collector
Corporation tax has long been a contentious issue politically, with HMRC doing their best to get multi-national companies to pay the correct levels of tax owed. These tactics have ranged from taking company directors out to dinner to the more drastic action of asking them really nicely.
Now HMRC have announced they are to try a new approach to collecting the millions of pounds owed to the public purse; begging.
For a wad of grubby lucre, he won’t keep going on about profit margins, depreciation and capital allowances.
It’s the time of year when many self-employed people start to panic about the January Tax Return deadline.
“They catch me out every year, sneaking their brown oblong envelope in among the Christmas cards,” said Pippa Delaney, owner of Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! in Harold. “How jolly nice of HMRC to send me a seasonal payslip.”
But help is now at hand with a local accountancy firm getting ready for their January Sale. “We’ve got loads of special offers lined up,” said Geoffrey King, of King’s Counting House, “and some real bargains in our Down A Bit On Last Year range of simplified Tax Returns and, for the client whose dog chewed up his business records, our unique Sounds About Right range of off-the-peg accounts.”
A pram almost as large as their sense of entitlement.
The government has received a large boost in opinion polls with the announcement of the new prams in coffee shops tax.
“We believe in helping hard-working Britons,” said Chancellor George Osborne. “And our new tax will allow people who only have a few minutes to leave their workplace and grab a caffeinated beverage of their choice to be able to do so without being forced to fight their way into coffee shops stuffed with prams the size of shire horses or having to queue for ages as a parent insists on their three year old doing the ordering and paying no matter how long this takes or how many people are waiting to be served so said three year old can ‘have a learning experience’.” Continue reading
Food & Drink with Miles Anour
Can I get an dry extra arid foamy cappuccino?
Like many other people, my day always starts with a cup of coffee. Admittedly I start my day several hours later than most people, but that’s due to the heavy research that a professional writer, like what I am, has to undertake.
So there I am, standing in the queue trying to reconstruct the hazy segments of the previous evening when I hear the following grating order from a customer.
“Could I get a grande dry cappuccino?”
I have BIG ISSUES with this seemingly simple request. First, what goes the customer mean by the phrase ‘could I get’. Does he wish to serve himself? Make the barista redundant, perhaps? Surely he either means ‘Could I have?’ or ‘Could you get?’ Continue reading
Soon to be as unfathomable as Nick Clegg’s purpose.
David Cameron has announced at a press conference that the government has made maths illegal.
“We looked at what was best for Britain, what would help us move forward as a nation,” he said. “And the answer was obvious. What’s caused all our recent financial troubles that under George Osborne’s inspired and creative leadership as Chancellor of the Exchequer has got far worse than anyone imagined? Not sure that bit’s been written out properly, anyway it’s numbers. They are dangerous and so we going to ensure public safety by putting the understanding and manipulation of numbers beyond the reach of ordinary citizens.” Continue reading