Tag Archives: money
“They said Austerity was over. Didn’t see anybody celebrating. They thought it was going to be like a War Is Over Lennon Ono anthem blaring out of the wireless and everybody dancing in the streets. Turned out damper than a squid that’s been dunked in a jar of tepid ale. Another pint?”
“But PPI, though. Nobody saw that coming and nobody saw it coming to an end either. And coinciding with a Bank Holiday. Last week, we had a couple of tourists in the Lickers. Spoke with a funny accent like that. I said ‘Who are you?’ and the bloke goes ‘Tourists’. I said ‘We don’t serve terrorists. Oh, you’re tourists. Are you both Taurus?’ Gin and tonic?”
“I’m putting on a Special on Thursday, which is when PPI ends, at midnight. Bit of a knees-up, Vera Lynn on the box. Miserable old git in the corner, going on about how he forgot to send his coupon in. He thinks it’s like the football pools. Then, when we get to midnight, it dawns on us – no more PPI phone calls! No more Angie’s Advice.”
“Boris up there, going ‘Oy, hold your horses, chaps, we haven’t finished Brexit yet.’ It’s not Brexit dividing the country, mate, it’s PPI. It’s those who claimed and those who didn’t. We all put up with the phone calls, but only 52% bothered to claim. The other 48% said, ‘No, we’re alright as we are, thanks.’ Now it’s over and nobody gives a toss one way or the other. Top up?”
“Anyway, you know what’s coming next, don’t you. Have you been mis-charged fees on your PPI claim?”
From the outside, it looked like any other High Street Bank. But behind the heavy wooden doors, a laundering operation was providing services for working people with no washing machines of their own.
Documents obtained by the Evening Harold from the local Planning Committee reveal conclusively that a ‘change of use’ application was approved in 1959, subject to the building retaining its original facade.
“I’m not surprised at all,” said Doris Kettle who remembers well the massive ‘just one more sixpence’ launderette drying machine swindle of the 1960s.
Harold’s very own armchair globe trotter, Elsie Duggan, offers advice to tourists heading to Greece. Just because she hasn’t been somewhere, doesn’t mean she doesn’t have an opinion.
I’ve read that people in Greece are suffering real hardship. Can you catch poverty from touching a foreigner? C Clarkson, Harold
Elsie replies: I don’t doubt it. I knew someone once who touched a Hungarian by accident, and now they live in a skip. Take some wet wipes, and remember to rub yourself down with some money.
There have been reports that shops are running out of some essentials. Will I still be able to buy chips? D Evans, Harold
Elsie replies: Bloody soggy things they’ll be no doubt, and not enough of them. And do you know what they have on them? Not gravy or ketchup like nice people. Crab spit. Maureen told me that, she said she read it in the paper.
George Osborne delivered his Autumn Statement to the House of Commons earlier today kicking off a frenzy of press coverage and speculation. Finance can be very confusing so we at the Evening Harold have studied the matter in depth and can now cut through the dense thicket of economic burble and shenanigans to present this concise guide to what it all means. Continue reading
David Cameron, Ed Miliband and a small boy in shorts have promised to sell England to someone ‘swarthy and well-off’ to fund Scotland’s demand for a paradise.
While some in England may oppose such a move, no-one will know for sure because they don’t have a say in the matter.
“Scotland may hate Westminster, but Westminster loves Scotland”, said Cameron. “It makes Britain bigger, which in turn makes us more important.”
Cameron revealed that England, on the other hand, has Westminster in it. “I’m afraid that lot are stuck with us, so they’ll just have to lump it.”
Ed Miliband agreed. “A referendum would be pointless, it would be like a child voting to not have a lung. The lung would still be there, whether or not the rest of the body resented it.”
An in-depth study of personal injury lawyer adverts has conclusively proven the vast majority of accidents are caused by idiots.
“We decided to look into the issue when we saw an advert claiming ‘Dave got paid £15,000 after he used the wrong ladder’,” said a researcher at the Harold Institute of Statistics.
“When we looked into it further and it turned out Dave had made his ladder out of damp cardboard boxes and Sellotape.”
Under increasing pressure to reduce costs and boost income into the royal household, the Queen and Prince Philip are rumoured to be considering auctioning off some of their assets, starting with Prince Charles.
“The idea came while the Queen was taking in her daily fix of Bargain Hunt,” her spokesman said.
There was sadness and confusion in Harold as it became one of the first villages to trial the government’s new scheme of loading benefits onto a pre-paid card rather than paying them into bank or post office accounts. The cards are engineered to prohibit the buying of many items from alcohol to pet food to anything over a certain value.
“It’s horrible,” said Mark Keen, a full-time support worker at Piebald House. “The card makes me second-class. I work and pay taxes now there’s this Big Brothered thing that wont let me buy stuff. It’s humiliating plus The Squirrel Lickers is unbearable now. Can’t buy a pint and people with cash get to control the jukebox. Last time I was in Dominic Delaney kept putting James Blunt’s You’re Beautiful on and no one had a coin to break the flow.” Continue reading
Some villagers in Harold have been left distraught by Haroldbook’s decision to start charging users for sending messages to village celebrities outside of their circle of friends. Haroldbook has become a tremendous success since its launch last year by management prodigy Simon Kettle (14) with nearly everyone signing up to the website which allows them to post status updates, list their friends, anonymously harass their enemies and create a fabulous online persona entirely at odds with their real lives.
Haroldbook has been the alleged cause of rows, family break-ups and, last July, a riot when Eddie, landlord of The Squirrel Lickers’ Arms, posted that there would be no more lock ins or take homes. Peace was only restored when it was discovered that Eddie had meant to type that there would be no more Look Ins or Take Hearts as he was throwing out part of his extensive eighties children’s TV collection to make room for a job lot of Thundercats he’d got off eBay.