Tag Archives: Jeremy Corbyn

Man who threw egg, milk and flour charged with battering Jeremy Corbyn

A man who threw egg, milk and flour at the Leader of the Opposition has been charged with battering, because eggs, milk and flour make batter, it emerged today.

Look – we’re not proud. It’s pancake day, someone just recently threw an egg at Jeremy Corbyn, and we couldn’t resist it.

Let’s just move on and pretend this never happened, OK? Good. Thanks.

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Filed under News, Politics, Puns

Exchange of letters between May and Corbyn reaching unbearable level of sexual tension

The exchange of letters between Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn has reached an unbearable level of sexual tension, according to insiders.

What started as a series of communications setting out their respective parties’ positions on the Brexit situation has flared into a burning peak of frustrated desire, it is believed.

“It’s like something out of a Richard Curtis film, only exciting and passionate,” explained one breathless Downing Street staffer.

“You could cut the tension with a knife around here, it’s like a sexual time-bomb waiting to happen.”

Extracts of the highly personal communications have been leaked to the press, and confirm the long-suspected animal attraction between the two party leaders.

In one robust, brooding letter, Corbyn calls for the government to rework the political declaration setting the framework for Britain’s future relationship with the EU – and then enshrine these new negotiating objectives in UK law.

Responding in a late-night note possibly written on scented violet Downing Street stationery, the PM stressed her objections to keeping the UK in some form of customs union, saying this would prevent the UK making its own trade deals.

In his reply, dripping with understated longing and Brut men’s body spray, the Labour leader insisted that without changes to May’s negotiating red lines, he did not believe that “simply seeking modifications to the existing backstop terms is a credible or sufficient response to the need for a deal with the EU that can bring the country together and protect jobs”.

Proud and aloof, Theresa May scribbled a cruel response haughtily rejecting Corbyn’s idea of “dynamic alignment” – automatically keeping the UK in step with EU standards – saying this should be a UK decision. But her mind a lustful whirl, she was unable to resist adding: “In the interests of building support across the house we are also prepared to commit to asking parliament whether it wishes to follow suit whenever the EU changes its standards in these areas.”

“For God’s sake, take me, you crazy Socialist fool.”

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BBC reports May to be dropped on Brussels from Lancaster bomber

The BBC has blamed “human error” for a suggestion on its News at Six that Theresa May would be delivered to Brussels for Brexit talks by being dropped from a second world war Lancaster Bomber.

But the explanation has been greeted with anger by many who saw the incident as an promise of exactly what ought to happen.

At the end of Wednesday’s evening programme viewers were shown black and white footage of the iconic planes as newsreader Sophie Raworth summarised the prime minister’s plan to reopen Brexit talks with EU leaders.

In a computer-generated montage, Theresa May was released from the vintage plane’s bomb launch bay, to fall thousands of feet onto the unforgiving stone roofs of the picturesque Belgian capital.

“I feel cheated,” explained TV viewer R. M. Renfield of the village of Harold. “We were given a glimpse of the Prime Minister being jettisoned a mile above dry land, and I think that’s what people voted for. Bastards.”

The BBC has blamed a training error for the incorrect clip being shown, and explained that it had intended merely to show doctored footage implying that Jeremy Corbyn is some kind of commie, with that hat and everything.

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Villagers slammed for holding Corbyn painting party

The growing trend for Jeremy Corbyn being hired out so children can paint on him during birthday parties has come to Harold. Local parents Cassian and India Hagan-Beckett have come under heavy criticism for holding a Corbyn Daubin’ Crew themed bash for their seven year old son, Quail.  Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold

Corbyn reflects on Labour’s anti-semitism row: ‘I think I’ve handled it rather well.’

“Hmmm. Do you know? I think I’ve handled it rather well”

Jeremy Corbyn has used the Westminster summer break to assess how he’s handled allegations of Labour party antisemitism. “I asked Shami, who said ‘You’ve done very well, Jeremy’. She’s studied the subject so, good enough for me.”

“We’re not complacent, even though it took five years to deal with Ken Livingstone but only five hours to put the skids under Margaret Hodge. So we’re making progress. Did I say ‘making progress’? I meant Continue reading

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Filed under Labour, News, Politics

Owen Smith sacked for having idea that makes Labour electable

Owen Smith: if he was serious about Brexit he’d have something written on the side of a bus

Jeremy Corbyn last night sacked Owen Smith from the Shadow Cabinet for suggesting an idea that could win Labour votes.

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UK astonished that the Daily Mail has been lying about Jeremy Corbyn

Next week we’re going with him personally sinking the Belgrano

Paul Dacre, who edits the Daily Mail and pretends to be a journalist, is trying to make up for all the lies he didn’t tell about Jeremy Corbyn in the 2017 election campaign.

“I’ve had to learn to forgive myself.” said a tearful Dacre “So many chances to commission a hatchet job so mendacious it would see a trainee hack kicked off any decent course.”

“If I’d thought he was going to popular with voters I’d have taken one or two more LSD tabs for inspiration Continue reading

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Filed under Media, News

Left-leaning BBC reports Corbyn’s speech at Glastonbury but ignores Mrs May’s at Bekonscot model village

PM’s inspiring speech to dozens of plaster figurines, simply ignored by BBC

In a clear display of media bias, the BBC fawned over Jeremy Corbyn’s ramblings to a mere hundred thousand hippies at an obscure “music festival” but ignored Theresa May’s inspiring message to dozens of plaster figurines at a well-known model village.

Plaster villagers holding cute little Vote Conservative posters, stood in silence, as if transfixed, while the PM reprised her finest speeches Continue reading

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Daily Mail regrets not being more critical of Jeremy Corbyn

Made no mention of paedophilia

Paul Dacre has concluded he might have been more critical of  Jeremy Corbyn, by at least hinting at the Labour leader’s support for paedophilia.

“It’s a weakness of mine, I guess.” confessed the Daily Mail Editor, after a weekend of rare introspection, “By always looking for the best in people, I may have let Corbyn off the hook, by mistake.”

“Yes, we said he’s a terrorist supporter and although we couldn’t prove it, reading between our lines it was clear he was behind the recent terror attacks, even if Continue reading

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Filed under Election 2017, Media, News

No mercy for voters as election campaign enters 4380th day

We choose him, her, other him, all of them, none of them, whatever, just please make it stop

Jaded voters are this morning facing another long and weary day of being campaigned at by politicians who are as in touch with how rest of us live as the Queen is with the latest beefs on the grime scene. While technically this build up to the nation going to the polls has lasted no longer than any other, many are reporting that it feels as if it’s been going on for at least twelve years. Continue reading

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Guardian’s campaigning for the Tories “going brilliantly” says editor

Katharine Viner the editor of the Guardian, a former left of centre newspaper turned heavily moderated online identity politics forum, says that she’s proud of all the campaigning it’s doing for the Tories. Continue reading

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Labour counter Tories’ Strong and Stable tag with #StringandStubble

Corbyn and McDonnell show us the size of their imaginary balls of string.

The Labour media team has launched the Party’s election tag #StringandStubble in a direct hit on the Tories’ #StrongandStable.

Appearing on Channel 4 News, Chancellor-in-Waiting John McDonnell told Jon Snow that very few people had a clue what ‘Strong and Stable’ was all about.

“Perhaps it appeals to people who own a fleet of pedigree racehorses,” he said, “but the vast majority of people want something a bit less rolling hills and open countryside.”

“Labour believes that every man, woman and child has the right to own their own ball of string. Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Civil rights, Economy, Election 2017, Labour, Politics, Social media

Electorate ‘just teasing’, warns Labour Leader

Having a laugh on Red Nose Day.

Jeremy Corbyn says that while he initially felt a little disappointed with the clobbering Labour took in the Local Elections, he remains totally confident that the people will be right behind him when it comes to the ‘real thing’ on 8 June.

“It’s obvious now that quite a lot of people were having a bit of a laugh on Thursday,” he said.  “There is, of course, such a thing as the rebellious ironic tactical vote.  But when, just by chance, huge chunks of the electorate have the same fun idea at the same time, the result can be a highly misleading picture of the mood of the country.  Fortunately, I can see straight through it.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Brexit, Election 2017, Entertainment, Labour, Politics, Society

Corbyn orders McDonnell to lay down electoral life in futile gesture

Don’t know why these two are on our minds

Jeremy Corbyn has told shadow chancellor John McDonnell to sacrifice himself for the good of Labour’s election campaign.

“The election’s not going very well, you know,” said Corbyn. “It’s a psychological thing rather like a game of football and in football ten men often play better than eleven so I’ve asked John to be that one man.”
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Filed under Election 2017

Mrs May pledges buckets of chips for everyone

Mrs May negotiating a chip.

The Conservative Party has started its campaign of checking the quality of chips in every town in the country.

“I have been absolutely clear right from the start that the foundation of a strong economy is a good plate of chips,” she told the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg.

“Historically, we’ve always been a nation built on potatoes and we welcome the diversity of modern potato products, like crisps and waffles, along with the more traditional formats, such as roast potatoes and, of course, chips.  Not to mention jacket potatoes, which provide not only carbohydrates but also clothing for poor people.” Continue reading

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Filed under Brexit, Civil rights, Economy, environment, Europe, Farming, Food, Lifestyle, Politics

Labour maverick doesn’t play by the rules but gets the job done: Dirty Jerry

But you’ve gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Well, do ya punk?

Labour’s new look Jeremy Corbyn is a steely-eyed man; he’s seen his share of trouble but takes no shit. From anyone.

In a departure from his previous gentle style, Corbyn challenged a shadow cabinet rebel today, in forthright terms. “I know what you’re thinking. ‘Did he fire six colleagues or only five?’ Well to tell you the truth in all this excitement I kinda lost track myself. But you’ve gotta ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky? Continue reading

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Politicians call on politicians to stop playing politics over politics

Everyone: “Just stop it, all of you.”

Senior politicians from all parties have demanded that politicians from other parties stop playing politics in the run up to the General Election.

At Prime Ministers question time today, Theresa May told the House that calling the election was essential as “too many Westminster MP’s had deliberately made political points about the details of Brexit”.

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Labour hopes fitting foglamps will help party move forward

Somewhere ahead a bearded man is waving a red flag

Labour seems to have lost contact with its leader, in a dense fog.

A kindly-looking bearded man, thought to be Labour’s leader, was last seen waving a red flag aloft, before disappearing.

According to an Evening Harold senior lip-reader, the man  had mouthed a soundless “This way everybody, follow me…” then strode off towards who knows where, whilst the party itself Continue reading

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Filed under Labour, News, Politics

Labour Party to be humanely destroyed

Old, grey and lacking vision . Not quite Grand National form

Buckingham Palace has confirmed that the Labour Party will be humanely destroyed on 9th March, the day after John McDonnell makes a toe-clenchingly embarrassing response to the Budget.

“Her Majesty has found it painful to watch her loyal opposition wheezing along, broken winded, lame, and without its guide dog” said a Palace spokesman, who agreed that the decision to put it out of its misery should probably have been taken earlier.

“Labour’s looked on its last legs, on and off for ten years, so I suppose everyone assumed it would recover,” he explained, with a wry smile, “which does seems rather foolish now, when you say it out loud.”

Hopes that a home might have been found at The Horses Trust in Buckinghamshire were dashed when the Trust advised they were unable to accept donkeys.

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Filed under Labour, News, Politics

James Delaney to stand for Labour in Stoke by-election

He’s actually running for two seats. One for him. One for Hat.

Well-travelled London businessman, James Keziah Delaney, has announced that he is to replace Gareth Snell as the Labour candidate in this week’s by-election.

“I have sworn to do very foolish things,” Delaney grunted from atop a massive white horse. “People who do not know me soon come to understand that I do not have any sense.” He went on to explain that he “knows things about the dead” which is why he’s so attracted to a divided Labour Party predicted to suffer an historic defeat at the next general election. Continue reading

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Filed under Politics