Lack of intelligence, wrapped in a falsified CV, inside a complete absence of empathy, Iain Duncan Smith, has refuted today’s National Audit Office report which states that there is no evidence that welfare sanctions work. Continue reading
Tag Archives: Iain Duncan-Smith
The DWP has slashed funds for homeless hostels and supported housing for disabled people but claims it has no choice as their head office is haunted by an evil spirit that will only tolerate the persecution of those most in need.
“It’s chaos here and bloody terrifying,” a civil servant told us. “Ghost IDS stalks the corridors at night casting evil dust abroad. When you arrive the next morning and try to be compassionate all the computers have a bazzy and the fire alarm goes until something horrific is entered into the system.” Continue reading
With hospitals having been told to take a ticket and wait their turn to be closed, Iain Duncan Smith says people misheard him during the referendum campaign.
“I was shocked that people thought I promised to spend shed-loads of cash on the NHS, and open a new hospital each week, we clearly said close. I’m not one to blame others, but I think you’ll find that was the work of Project Fear. Or immigrants. Continue reading
Evil Brexit henchman Iain Duncan Smith has expressed amazement at the existence of a massive slogan on his battlebus promising to spend £350 million per week on the NHS, insisting he “never noticed it before”.
The Brexit campaign’s battlebus, outside which the former work and pensions secretary was frequently photographed, featured the slogan: “We send the EU £350 million a week – let’s fund our NHS instead.”
Vote Leave also issued posters reading: “Let’s give our NHS the £350m the EU takes every week”, and Duncan Smith himself frequently ripped off his shirt during the campain to reveal a giant tattoo covering his chest with the same message.
Despite these apparently convincing facts, Duncan Smith remained adamant that he knew nothing about it.
The enormous NHS pledge tattooed over half his body was actually an unusual birthmark, he insisted, and he’d assumed the giant white letters on his bus were the result of vandals.
“Oh, THAT giant white slogan!” he announced, when it was pointed out that he was standing in front of it. “I see what you mean now.”
“Probably kids, spray-painting ridiculous stuff like that all over a nice bus. Whoever did it should be ashamed – ruining something perfectly good just for their own twisted pleasure.”
“I wonder if they want a place on the team?”
MPs yesterday beheld a miracle as George Osborne refused to apologise for his budget balls-up with such arrogance he made Iain Duncan Smith seem like Jesus in his compassion and morality.
“No apology needed,” Osborne barked. “My budget looks after those who need protecting most i.e wealthy Tory pensioners. So what if it was an attack on the disabled. You say disabled, I say not pulling your socks up, and in some cases going so far as to claim you can’t put your socks on, and getting out to work.” Continue reading
“It’s great entertainment, think ‘the Hunger Games’, but for older, fat people” beamed life-long socialist and Harold Café owner Pippa Delaney. “And there’s no petty backstabbing, they’re all going straight for each other’s hearts – good luck if they can find one!”
Panicked voters who initially thought Mr Duncan Smith had developed a social conscience were relieved to find it was all a simple misunderstanding, and it was just that Mr Duncan Smith disliked old people even more than he disliked disabled people.
A well-known Pot, usually found lying to and threatening the vulnerable, has complained that some Kettles campaigning to remain in the EU, are using dishonest, bullying tactics.
The one-time ‘Quiet Pot’ is thought to be such an expert on spin that it wouldn’t recognise the truth; even if it was scrubbed, primped, and wearing a satin evening-gown, with the words ‘The Truth’ sewed on front and back in flashing sequins.
EU vote means terrifying choice between something supported by David Cameron and something supported by Iain Duncan Smith
People thinking of voting to stay in the EU are worried they will be seen to be supporting hands-free interactions with pigs, while potential Brexit voters don’t want to give the impression they agree ‘fit to work’ means ‘currently breathing, or warm enough so resuscitation is still possible’.
An influential committee of MPs has warned charities they’ve a ‘last chance’ to rip-off vulnerable givers, before a new regulator starts work.
“Opportunities for such outrageous, systematic, and heartless abuse will soon disappear” said PACAC chairman Bernard Jenkin “So my advice is to steam in now, while you still can.”
An open letter from disability groups has been slammed by Iain Duncan Smith for ‘lacking substance’, meaning he can’t throw it in the waste-paper bin; one of the best bits of his job.
Duncan Smith explained how he’s eradicating poverty by eradicating the poor and now wants to roll out the same approach to the disabled.
“The current system only encourages people to be disabled. Continue reading
Calls are growing today for the multi-millionaire demagogue Iain Duncan Smith to be banned from the UK following his widely condemned policies calling for a halt on all poor and/or disabled people enjoying any quality of life. So far 100,000 have signed the petition asking that IDS be banned under the ‘unacceptable behaviour’ criteria. Continue reading
David Cameron says that flying UK citizens home from Egypt is a top priority as he much prefers it when they’re killed by his government and not Islamic fundamentalists.
“The decisions that I am taking are about putting the safety of British people first,” the Prime Minister said. “Until they’re back home and then Iain Duncan Smith can hunt them with dogs for all I care.” Continue reading
After realising that Jeremy Corbyn is the first politician since the dawn of time to not be a corrupt lying bastard, the hundred thousand Conservative supporters who paid £3 to vote for him have all decided he’s actually the best of a bad lot, and the’re going to stick around.
“I paid my money to vote Corbyn, thinking I was consigning Labour to electoral oblivion,” admitted Brian Refrew of Harold. “It all seemed to go really well, but having heard him talk just after reading an Iain Duncan Smith quote, I thought ‘fuck it, I’m on the wrong side’.”
Somewhat surprisingly, the Daily Telegraph, who ran a campaign to get readers to vote for Corbyn, has also come out in favour of the left-winger.
In a editorial entitled “Bugger us, it’s obvious now we think about it”, the paper has urged its readers to pay the extra money to become full Labour members, and has demanded better treatment of refugees “just because it’s the right thing to do, which surprises us as much as you, if we’re honest”.
Following on from the release of figures showing how many people have died since being declared fit for work and the news that the UN is to investigate his welfare reforms, Iain Duncan Smith is set to resign in a matter of days and be replaced by Ramsay Bolton.
“Ramsay will be a worthy successor,” Duncan Smith said. “We have much in common as military men who share a similar outlook. Of course he’s got where he is today thanks to his incredibly wealthy landowning father whereas I’m completely different as I’d be nothing without my incredibly wealthy landowning father-in-law.” Continue reading
Iain Duncan Smith has today launched the new national dress code for all public sector workers.
The fetching blue and yellow combo comes complete with sturdy safety goggles and is designed to ensure anyone with a menial job and no future prospects such as council road sweepers, traffic wardens, hospital porters, bin men, bus drivers and the like will no longer be mistaken for someone significant like, say, a middle manager, an accountant or a civil servant. Continue reading
IDS denies accidental humiliation of disabled man: “No accident, it’s what gets me up in the morning.”
Iain Duncan Smith has defended his department’s humiliation of Nick Gaskin, who cannot walk, talk or feed himself.
“It’s a well known fact in my head that benefits scroungers pretend to have multiple sclerosis, constructing elaborate facades by being fed and toileted by an army of well-meaning but frankly gullible carers.”
DWP officials repeatedly asked Mr Gaskin to attend a Jobcentre interview or have his benefits stopped. “We were pretty sure he was a wrong’un.” says IDS “When the potential consequences were explained to Mr Gaskin during a home visit, he just sat there blinking, so we clearly had him rattled.”
Nick Gaskin, from Leicestershire, was diagnosed with primary progressive multiple sclerosis (MS) 16 years ago. He needs round-the-clock care and can only communicate through blinking.
“So what?” asked IDS “I need round the clock care myself. In fact we have a DWP unit just to follow me round and sweep up the shit I make up. And I can’t actually feed myself either – not on a Ministerial salary. But you don’t see me queuing up with a begging bowl and shall I tell you why? Well, yes, living rent free in a mansion on my father-in-law’s estate helps, but this isn’t about me. Don’t change the subject.”