Tag Archives: Iain Duncan-Smith

Exasperated IDS: “causing real misery is why I created the benefit cap!”

Duncan Smith, before causing real misery was somehow “a bad thing”

Iain Duncan Smith has reacted with fury to the High Court ruling that his benefit cap causes ‘real misery for no good purpose’. “Real misery is the whole purpose of the cap!” cried the Dr Mengele of modern Conservatism, the man who said he could live on £53 a week then, without irony, billed us lot for a £39 breakfast.

“That’s the trouble with Judges, they don’t live in the real world. They may not even read the Daily Mai Continue reading

Leave a Comment

Filed under Advertisments, breaking news, Politics

Supreme Court 8 to 3 majority “marginal” compared with 51.9 to 48.1 says IDS

Point to your right, Iain

The feeling you get when you bite tinfoil made flesh, Iain Duncan Smith, has claimed that yesterday’s Supreme Court decision on Brexit was “marginal” he then said: “Eight to three is a tiny lead. Almost as small as the amount of shits that I give for the fatal consequences of what I did at the DWP.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Supreme Court 8 to 3 majority “marginal” compared with 51.9 to 48.1 says IDS

Filed under Brexit

IDS denies that benefit sanctions don’t work as they helped him kill “loads of feckless scum”

ids

Point to your right, Iain

Lack of intelligence, wrapped in a falsified CV, inside a complete absence of empathy, Iain Duncan Smith, has refuted today’s National Audit Office report which states that there is no evidence that welfare sanctions work. Continue reading

Comments Off on IDS denies that benefit sanctions don’t work as they helped him kill “loads of feckless scum”

Filed under DWP, Politics

DWP blames its war on the vulnerable on being haunted by the ghost of IDS

capture

Ghost IDS is thorough, it even haunts the signs

The DWP has slashed funds for homeless hostels and supported housing for disabled people but claims it has no choice as their head office is haunted by an evil spirit that will only tolerate the persecution of those most in need.

“It’s chaos here and bloody terrifying,” a civil servant told us. “Ghost IDS stalks the corridors at night casting evil dust abroad. When you arrive the next morning and try to be compassionate all the computers have a bazzy and the fire alarm goes until something horrific is entered into the system.” Continue reading

Comments Off on DWP blames its war on the vulnerable on being haunted by the ghost of IDS

Filed under Politics

IDS clarifies: Brexit means *closing* a new hospital each week

IDS

Open a new hospital each week, are you mad? No, what I said was we could close one each week

With hospitals having been told to take a ticket and wait their turn to be closed, Iain Duncan Smith says people misheard him during the referendum campaign.

“I was shocked that people thought I promised to spend shed-loads of cash on the NHS, and open a new hospital each week, we clearly said close. I’m not one to blame others, but I think you’ll find that was the work of Project Fear. Or immigrants. Continue reading

Comments Off on IDS clarifies: Brexit means *closing* a new hospital each week

Filed under Health, News

Duncan Smith ‘never noticed’ giant £350 million NHS pledge on bus

IDS

Not exactly smallprint

Evil Brexit henchman Iain Duncan Smith has expressed amazement at the existence of a massive slogan on his battlebus promising to spend £350 million per week on the NHS, insisting he “never noticed it before”.

The Brexit campaign’s battlebus, outside which the former work and pensions secretary was frequently photographed, featured the slogan: “We send the EU £350 million a week – let’s fund our NHS instead.”

Vote Leave also issued posters reading: “Let’s give our NHS the £350m the EU takes every week”, and Duncan Smith himself frequently ripped off his shirt during the campain to reveal a giant tattoo covering his chest with the same message.

Despite these apparently convincing facts, Duncan Smith remained adamant that he knew nothing about it.

The enormous NHS pledge tattooed over half his body was actually an unusual birthmark, he insisted, and he’d assumed the giant white letters on his bus were the result of vandals.

“Oh, THAT giant white slogan!” he announced, when it was pointed out that he was standing in front of it. “I see what you mean now.”

“Probably kids, spray-painting ridiculous stuff like that all over a nice bus. Whoever did it should be ashamed – ruining something perfectly good just for their own twisted pleasure.”

“I wonder if they want a place on the team?”

 

Comments Off on Duncan Smith ‘never noticed’ giant £350 million NHS pledge on bus

Filed under EU referendum, News

Osborne achieves impossible and makes Iain Duncan Smith look like Jesus

1748

Fwends

MPs yesterday beheld a miracle as George Osborne refused to apologise for his budget balls-up with such arrogance he made Iain Duncan Smith seem like Jesus in his compassion and morality.

“No apology needed,” Osborne barked. “My budget looks after those who need protecting most i.e wealthy Tory pensioners. So what if it was an attack on the disabled. You say disabled, I say not pulling your socks up, and in some cases going so far as to claim you can’t put your socks on, and getting out to work.” Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Politics

If this is a Tory civil war, imagine what it will be like when it gets nasty

Cameron Popcorn sales have soared as the British public sit back in their armchairs to watch the Tories tear each other apart, hopefully literally.

“It’s great entertainment, think ‘the Hunger Games’, but for older, fat people” beamed life-long socialist and Harold Café owner Pippa Delaney. “And there’s no petty backstabbing, they’re all going straight for each other’s hearts – good luck if they can find one!”
Continue reading

Comments Off on If this is a Tory civil war, imagine what it will be like when it gets nasty

Filed under Politics

Man with no moral compass accidentally finds moral high ground

Duncan SmithIain Duncan Smith resigned as Work and Pensions Secretary because his preferred option of boiling pensioners down to soap was rejected, it can be revealed.

Panicked voters who initially thought Mr Duncan Smith had developed a social conscience were relieved to find it was all a simple misunderstanding, and it was just that Mr Duncan Smith disliked old people even more than he disliked disabled people.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Man with no moral compass accidentally finds moral high ground

Filed under Politics

“Pot accuses Kettle of using ‘spin, smears and threats'”

Iain-Duncan-Smithangry

“Say that again and I’ll punch your lights out. I used to be world heavyweight boxing champion”

A well-known Pot, usually found lying to and threatening the vulnerable, has complained that some Kettles campaigning to remain in the EU, are using dishonest, bullying tactics.

The one-time ‘Quiet Pot’ is thought to be such an expert on spin that it wouldn’t recognise the truth; even if it was scrubbed, primped, and wearing a satin evening-gown, with the words ‘The Truth’ sewed on front and back in flashing sequins.

Continue reading

Comments Off on “Pot accuses Kettle of using ‘spin, smears and threats'”

Filed under EU referendum, Europe, News

EU vote means terrifying choice between something supported by David Cameron and something supported by Iain Duncan Smith

tweedle dumb or tweedle dumber?

tweedle dumb or tweedle dumber?

The horrifying realisation they will have to choose between something supported by David Cameron and something supported by Iain Duncan Smith has put most people in the UK off their breakfast.

People thinking of voting to stay in the EU are worried they will be seen to be supporting hands-free interactions with pigs, while potential Brexit voters don’t want to give the impression they agree ‘fit to work’ means ‘currently breathing, or warm enough so resuscitation is still possible’.
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Europe, Politics

Charities ‘last chance’ to be bastards

charityoxfammers

Chuggers are the least of your worries, the thin end of your wedge

An influential committee of MPs has warned charities they’ve a ‘last chance’ to rip-off vulnerable givers, before a new regulator starts work.

“Opportunities for such outrageous, systematic, and heartless abuse will soon disappear” said PACAC chairman Bernard Jenkin “So my advice is to steam in now, while you still can.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Charities ‘last chance’ to be bastards

Filed under charity, News, Politics

IDS wants a hard copy of “disabled whiners’ letter”, so he can bin it

IDS-larfing

Duncan Smith hears the latest suicide figures for benefit claimants

An open letter from disability groups has been slammed by Iain Duncan Smith for ‘lacking substance’, meaning he can’t throw it in the waste-paper bin; one of the best bits of his job.

Duncan Smith explained  how he’s eradicating poverty by eradicating the poor and now wants to roll out the same approach to the disabled.

“The current system only encourages people to be disabled. Continue reading

Comments Off on IDS wants a hard copy of “disabled whiners’ letter”, so he can bin it

Filed under DWP, News, Politics

100,000 sign petition to block Iain Duncan Smith from the UK

Iain-Duncan-Smith

At fifty, every man has the face he deserves

Calls are growing today for the multi-millionaire demagogue Iain Duncan Smith to be banned from the UK following his widely condemned policies calling for a halt on all poor and/or disabled people enjoying any quality of life. So far 100,000 have signed the petition asking that IDS be banned under the ‘unacceptable behaviour’ criteria. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Politics

Oops! Tories thought bullying dossier was Jeffrey Archer novel

archer

it was too well written & the plot wasn’t unbelievable

A top Tory, who’d denied being aware of bullying complaints before 2015, said today “Ah, I remember it now! At first, I thought the 2010 dossier was Iain Duncan Smith’s new policy for the disabled; then that it was a draft of a Jeffrey Archer novel”.

“Of course, with hindsight it was too well written, the plot  wasn’t unbelievable and I didn’t want to scratch my eyes out. I feel such a fool.”

Continue reading

Comments Off on Oops! Tories thought bullying dossier was Jeffrey Archer novel

Filed under DWP, News, Politics

PM hurries holidaymakers home from Egypt so they can be killed by IDS instead of Isis

A UK citizen killed abroad is a tragedy. If they’re killed by their own government it’s an economic necessity

David Cameron says that flying UK citizens home from Egypt is a top priority as he much prefers it when they’re killed by his government and not Islamic fundamentalists.

“The decisions that I am taking are about putting the safety of British people first,” the Prime Minister said. “Until they’re back home and then Iain Duncan Smith can hunt them with dogs for all I care.” Continue reading

Comments Off on PM hurries holidaymakers home from Egypt so they can be killed by IDS instead of Isis

Filed under News

Elections to be replaced by new ‘people-rating’ app

peeple

Happy voters commenting on Iain Duncan Smith

MPs from all parties were in turmoil today after a surprise announcement from the UK Electoral Commission that traditional electoral ballots will be replaced by the controversial ‘people-rating’ phone app Peeple.

Instead of the whole tedious business of visiting hastily-converted schools and village halls to place their vote, British citizens will now simply assign a rating from one to five stars for each local candidate, in a similar way to placing reviews on Trip Advisor or Amazon. Votes can be accompanied by personal comments about the candidates, which will not influence the result, but should be great fun.

“You can’t stop progress,” insisted Electoral Commission Chief Executive Peter Wardle. “This will free up valuable time which the public can spend rioting or building street barricades. Although it could be a bit of a bugger for Iain Duncan Smith.”

Reaction from the UK political parties was mixed. “We see this as a great enabler of democracy, a potential game-changer in human engagement,” explained Jeremy Corbyn. “Although in spite of myself I can’t help feeling a bit sorry for Iain Duncan Smith.”

Prime Minister David Cameron was more hesitant in his approval, warning of the risk that the simplicity of phone-based voting might mean that people are unduly influenced by certain minor incidents from politicians’ pasts, which should really be forgotten and have no bearing on today, and anyway he never did it.

“Mind you,” he concluded, “At least I’m not Iain Duncan Smith.”

Secretary of State for Work and Pensions Iain Duncan Smith gave a short statement to reporters: “I’m fucked. But at least I’m not Katie Hopkins”

Comments Off on Elections to be replaced by new ‘people-rating’ app

Filed under Politics, Social media

Bogus Labour voters decide f*ck it, we’re staying

CorbynCameron

Tricky… Tricky choice…

After realising that Jeremy Corbyn is the first politician since the dawn of time to not be a corrupt lying bastard, the hundred thousand Conservative supporters who paid £3 to vote for him have all decided he’s actually the best of a bad lot, and the’re going to stick around.

“I paid my money to vote Corbyn, thinking I was consigning Labour to electoral oblivion,” admitted Brian Refrew of Harold. “It all seemed to go really well, but having heard him talk just after reading an Iain Duncan Smith quote, I thought ‘fuck it, I’m on the wrong side’.”

Somewhat surprisingly, the Daily Telegraph, who ran a campaign to get readers to vote for Corbyn, has also come out in favour of the left-winger.

In a editorial entitled “Bugger us, it’s obvious now we think about it”, the paper has urged its readers to pay the extra money to become full Labour members, and has demanded better treatment of refugees “just because it’s the right thing to do, which surprises us as much as you, if we’re honest”.

1 Comment

Filed under Nostalgia, Politics

IDS assisted dying vote dilemma: “Which would cause the most pain?”

ids

It’s a tough choice – which would hurt more?

“As a Catholic, I usually prefer people to suffer for as long as possible.” said Iain Duncan Smith today

“On the other hand, every scrounger who does the decent thing and offs himself… well it’s one less begging mouth for us normals to feed, isn’t it?”

Continue reading

Comments Off on IDS assisted dying vote dilemma: “Which would cause the most pain?”

Filed under DWP, News, Politics

Ramsay Bolton tipped to replace Iain Duncan Smith at the DWP

At least this one's a smiler which is nice

At least this one’s a smiler, which is nice.

Following on from the release of figures showing how many people have died since being declared fit for work and the news that the UN is to investigate his welfare reforms, Iain Duncan Smith is set to resign in a matter of days and be replaced by Ramsay Bolton.

“Ramsay will be a worthy successor,” Duncan Smith said. “We have much in common as military men who share a similar outlook. Of course he’s got where he is today thanks to his incredibly wealthy landowning father whereas I’m completely different as I’d be nothing without my incredibly wealthy landowning father-in-law.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Ramsay Bolton tipped to replace Iain Duncan Smith at the DWP

Filed under Politics