Tag Archives: Golden Showers

Oh great – it’s a nuclear pissing contest and one guy loves golden showers

The world is resigned to Armageddon after the realisation that at least one of the leaders in the US / North Korean nuclear pissing contest positively welcomes a golden shower.

“We’re screwed. Trump is goading Kim Jong-un to fire an ICBM tipped in prostitute’s piss in our direction” sighed Washington DC cab driver Ed Stevens.
Continue reading

Leave a Comment

Filed under Golden Showers

Reoffending rates rocket as inmates seek to avoid Huhne

I'm here to help

I’m here to help

Suggestions by disgraced former cabinet minister Chris Huhne that he will embark on a new career helping rehabilitate prisoners are in doubt after inmates at Leyhill Prison said they would rather stay in jail for life than listen to Huhne for 5 more minutes.

Gavin Smith, an amateur shoplifter from Harold who was due to be released in 3 weeks, said he was panicking at the thought of having Huhne lecture him about the way he should live his life, and why the Lib-Dem energy policy would avoid melting the ice caps while keeping British industry moving.

“It was possibly an over-reaction to kill two inmates and three guards to avoid being released, but I was desperate” said Smith. “I’m just hoping my lawyer doesn’t think of any technical defence.”

Other inmates are committing petty offences en masse in the hope they can buy more time in prison until Huhne loses interest in helping prisoners.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Reoffending rates rocket as inmates seek to avoid Huhne

Filed under Crime, International News, Politics

Pope and ex-Pope ‘will perform breakfast sketch from Morecambe and Wise’

grape3

What do you think of it so far?

Following ex-Pope Benedict’s decision to move into the Vatican along with Pope Francis, there were fears among Papal advisors that the unprecedented situation might lead to some ecumenical friction between the two holy men.

In a surprise to everyone, however, the Pope and ex-Pope have revealed that far from being discomfited by the living arrangements, they have actually embraced the celibate buddies idea so much that they have started performing old comedy double-acts, and intend to build up to a big break with tradition by swapping this year’s Christmas blessing for a revival of Morecambe and Wise’s famous “Breakfast” routine to the tune of “The Stripper”.

Read more

Comments Off on Pope and ex-Pope ‘will perform breakfast sketch from Morecambe and Wise’

Filed under Dating, International News, Showbusiness, Vikings

Murderous magician will find out what his Wandsworth

pistolwandOne of Harold’s most beguiling mysteries has finally been solved, and sadly proven to be a most despicable and gruesome crime.

Every local knew and loved the spectacular magic show put on annually by local magician “The Great Haroldo”. Although a touring performer he would end his season every year in Harold, and has done so for over 20 years. The pinnacle of the show was always a grand illusion which would culminate in a member of the audience disappearing.

In the early years the volunteer would always re-appear, looking slightly shaken, and return to their seat. However every year since 1997 the volunteer has failed to re-materialise, and none has ever been seen again.

Continue reading

Comments Off on Murderous magician will find out what his Wandsworth

Filed under Crime, DNA, Golden Showers, International News

Dress rehearsal for Queen’s funeral was lovely, says Charles

Piss off Charlie

Piss off Charlie

Prince Charles, heir to the Throne for 60 years, is said to be very impressed at how well today’s dress rehearsal for the Queen’s funeral went.

“One couldn’t help but notice how smoothly things went” said Prince Charles. “On the evidence of today’s dress rehearsal, there is no reason why one’s mother’s funeral couldn’t take place as early as next Tuesday. One will have to work things around lunch at the Dorchester though.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Dress rehearsal for Queen’s funeral was lovely, says Charles

Filed under Golden Showers, International News

No mincing about: all the beef on the Grand National

horsecowGrand National 2013 – your guide to the runners and riders, from the Evening Harold’s own racing correspondent!

This year looks like being the most open Grand National for a while, with a mixture of sad puns and frankly disgusting rudeness battling it out over the famous 84 furlongs. But who to bet on? Well, that’s the whole bloody point, isn’t it? So let’s meet the horses.

THE HORSES

RECTAL BAGPUSS

Jockey: P. Yaffle
Sure to win “Best Turned Out”, but does the 43 year old filly still have what it takes to go the distance? No.
Odds: Gabriel the Toad
Our verdict: Mouse organ
Read more…

Comments Off on No mincing about: all the beef on the Grand National

Filed under Golden Showers, Royals, Sport

BREAKING NEWS: Graham Norton arrested naked in High Street

graham

Disgusting Graham Norton wasn’t this one

49-year-old Irish television presenter Graham Norton, host of comedy chat show The Graham Norton Show, shares his name with a man arrested naked in Harold village’s High Street this morning, it has emerged.

Norton, who took over the prestigious Friday night slot on BBC One from Jonathan Ross in 2010, is not the same man as the Harold local who police detained today for performing a lurid dance routine on the steps of the Boer War memorial, naked apart from Wellington boots and a Phillips screwdriver.

Openly gay Norton, who is known for his camp demeanour, innuendo-laden dialogue and flamboyant presentation style, has nothing in common with the local man (who has been detained for further questioning) other than the shared name, which is a total coincidence.

Read more…

Comments Off on BREAKING NEWS: Graham Norton arrested naked in High Street

Filed under Around Harold, Golden Showers, International News

Duchess of Cambridge vows ‘never to return’ to village after receiving an unexpected gift

carefulharold

The Duchess of Cambridge has vowed ‘never to return to Harold’ after her visit to re-open the old people’s home on Wednesday.

Her remarks follow an embarrassing incident which saw a resident follow the new tradition of showering the pregnant princess with gifts, giving her flowers, a teddy bear and a ‘do it yourself DNA test’ Continue reading

Comments Off on Duchess of Cambridge vows ‘never to return’ to village after receiving an unexpected gift

Filed under Around Harold