Tag Archives: f1

McLaren F1 to fit pedals before next Grand Prix

At some races, Alonso has resorted to hailing a cab

With Fernando Alonso complaining last weekend that he’s never raced with less power, McLaren are to swap their Honda engines for pedal power, coupled to a Shimano 16-speed gearset.

“We’re keeping the energy recovery battery set-up though,” said McLaren test driver Jenson Button “as that’s always given more power than Honda’s engine ever did.”

The semi-retired former world champion explained that his high-profile winter triathlon training was in fact a ruse, Continue reading

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Jenson tells shocked David Coulthard to ‘piss off’ on live TV

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Button and Coulthard in happier times

Jenson Button lost his cool on the grid of the Spanish GP today, after being asked the same questions for the 300th time.

“For f*cks sake, David! I’ll drive as fast as I can until the tyres wear out, then I’ll come in for a new set”.

“After that I’ll go back out and do the same thing all over again.”

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Man who wandered onto track at Singapore GP nominated for Sports Personality of the Year

An inspiration to millions

An inspiration to millions

A spectator who walked onto the track at the Singapore GP has been installed as the bookies’ favourite to win BBC Overseas Sports Personality of the Year.

The 27-year-old shot to prominence when he strolled along the side of the track during the race around Singapore’s street circuit, and is now just six points behind Jenson Button in the Drivers’ Championship. Continue reading

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McLaren F1 announces new AA sponsorship

button aa

The AA managed to perform a tyre change in under 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Jenson Button is delighted with the performance of his Honda Civic powered McLaren F1 car and the new AA sponsorship. “The AA has made me a priority case. If they can’t fix the car track-side within 30 minutes they’ll tow me back to the pits. Which will help save fuel and be good for my lap times too.”

The AA link-up is new for Button but he has a long history with Honda, having been blessed by their previous F1 effort until 2008. “When Honda quit, the team had a small party then lashed together a new car with Mercedes power, which sadly won me the 2009 title.”

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scoutscarwashb&w

Intensive training should improve speed and technique for the GP itself

Although crowd funding allows Caterham F1 to contest the season finale, high fuel costs mean cuts elsewhere and plucky Harold Scouts have agreed to step in and provide cheap pit-crew services.

“It’s not our first vehicle venture.” said Rev Tansy Forster of 3rd Harold Scouts “Last year we made over £32.73 from a sponsored car wash and we’ll carry that experience into the race next weekend.”

The in-administration race team hopes to be competitive, but has taken on board Institute of Advanced Motorist advice to ‘drive at 50 in 7th gear for best fuel efficiency’.

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by | November 18, 2014 · 8:54 am

Ecclestone: F1 radio ‘topic ban’ includes politics and religion

'You're breaking up' Bernie solves the Hamilton/Rosberg feud mid-race

‘Sorry, you’re breaking up.’ Bernie resolves  Hamilton/Rosberg feud mid-race

Bernie Ecclestone says prohibitions in F1 pit-to-car radio have similarities with polite dinner protocols.

“As well as politics & religion” explained the mini-mogul “we’re excluding scottish independence, sexual innuendo and your wife’s even-younger sister.” Continue reading

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F1 to recreate old high-pitched, whining engine sound with Vettel recording

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The FIA, Formula 1’s governing body, has taken a positive step to address concerns over the lack of noise from the formula’s new V6 engine. Today’s Malaysian Grand Prix saw Sebastian Vettel’s moaning recorded ready to played out of the cars at the next race.

The tractor-like noise that comes from the new engines is a lot less ‘thrilling’ than the previous power units according to critics who say F1 will suffer from the lack of a high-pitched, almost unbearable whining sound every time a car screeches past.

However many noticed that same high-pitched, almost unbearable whining sound was still emanating from one of the Red Bulls, but with a slight German accent.

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Noise free hybrid anteaters? Our guide to the new F1 season

Sebastian Vettel in the new Red Anteater

Sebastian Vettel in the new Red Anteater

A new Formula 1 season starts this week end with massive (or should that be Massa?) changes to the cars’ specifications. Here is our print out and keep guide:

Noses: All of the cars are required to have a nose resembling an animal. Most teams have settled on styling their snouts on crocodiles, anteaters and tapirs. No one has elected to go for an elephant’s trunk. That would be silly. Continue reading

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F1 rule changes: car-sick babies set to level the field

F1baby

More volatile than a magnum of champagne.

Formula 1 is facing its most radical overhaul yet, following a rule change to make car-sick babies compulsory.

With opponents claiming the sport is increasingly out of touch with conventional road cars, next season’s vehicles will feature a ticking vomit-bomb right behind the drivers’ ears.

Reigning world champion Sebastian Vettel welcomed the move, claiming he had ‘a lot of experience’ in being followed by whining babies.

The FIA has signed up Mothercare to supply the children, which will be chosen for their light weight, aerodynamics and ability to barf up both lungs at the slightest hint of a wobble.

“We are always looking for ways to make our technology relevant to the road” claimed recently re-elected FIA president Jean Todt. “Although when we showed a panel of Ferrari owners a picture of a baby, under half of them knew what one was.”

Keen to emphasise the sport’s links with conventional automobiles, next season will feature a number of other changes.

“When drivers make a pit stop to have their tyres changed, they’ll also be offered two slightly out-of-date creme eggs for £1”, explained Todt. “Then as they pull back onto the track they’ll have to negotiate a pensioner in a Micra, who simply refuses to move into the other f***ing lane.”

Teams boycotted plans to make their drivers pick up a take-away meal, citing cost as a barrier to some of the smaller teams.

“It might sound simple to design a curry hook that can withstand a few g, but popadoms shatter if you so much as look at them”, claimed Adrian Newey. “And besides, we spend thousands trying to shed those final few grams. Teams like Cosworth can’t really afford to spend £150k on a lightweight carbon fibre replacement for a conventional carrier bag.”

Bernie Ecclestone gave his backing to the latest rule change, and claimed that bilious babies would level the field.

“We won’t know for sure until after the first race in Australia”, said Ecclestone. “If the babies don’t work, we can always switch to Plan B: we’ll make Vettel communicate with his pit crew by text message or by updating his timeline on Facebook.”

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Korean Grand Prix: “Good in parts”

wheel bomb

Some pit crews are reluctant to handle latest tyres

F1’s Bernie Ecclestone sounded cautiously optimistic after introducing a ‘random explosives’ feature at the Korean GP.

“Unfortunately, by mistake, the BBC had showed a short extract of MOTO GP on their F1 preview show. It was on for less than one complete lap but by then it was too late and our core audience had already seen more action than they expect in a whole season of F1.

The sponsors were naturally a little concerned and so, as an emergency ‘fix’, we agreed to deploy a number of small, secret incendiary devices on various cars to spice things up. All things considered it went quite well and we’ll definitely do it again.”

Nico Rosberg was the first ‘hit’ when his front wing disappeared in a spectacular shower of sparks. Sergio Perez then had a rather spectacular exploding tyre which, as an unexpected bonus damaged several other cars. This was closely followed by a fire in the mechanical gubbins of Mark Webber’s Red Bull.
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Pirelli blame tyre failures on F1 teams “putting them on cars and driving”

About to explode?

About to explode?

Pirelli have blamed the series of tyre failures at the weekend’s British Grand Prix on the way F1 teams are using the tyres, most notably that they are “putting them onto racing cars and driving on them, sometimes really fast”.

The Italian company has modified the tyres for future races but say that teams need to take their share of responsibility and review the way that they are using them, maybe considering not driving so fast or for so long.

“In tests we have found the tyres to be perfectly safe if stored in a neat pile at room temperature. In these conditions very few of them spontaneously explode.” said a statement from Pirelli.
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Pirelli urge FIA to hold German Grand Prix on ‘fairly straight section of autobahn’

autobahn

Staying awake will be just one of the challenges

Following a disasterous number of blow-outs during this weekend’s British Grand Prix, engineers at Pirelli are urging the FIA to avoid tight corners until they can work out how to make tyres.

“From reviewing the footage of Hamilton’s tyre failure, we were able to ascertain that he was driving quite fast”, explained Pirelli’s marketing chief Lorenzo Capellini. “And to be honest, anyone trying to go round a corner like that is definitely asking for trouble.”

With speed and cornering both identified as culprits, Pirelli think they’re close to finding a solution. Computer simulations have shown that either a very slow race or one in a fairly straight line would be reasonably safe, as long as they change tyres every three or four miles.
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Evil dictatorship welcomed by Bahrain

f1 copyThere has been protests throughout Bahrain this week at the decision to allow a fierce and brutal dictatorship come and stage a race in the country. The FIA, Formula 1’s governing body, has been accused of ruling with an iron fist to create an environment of fear up and down the paddock.

The ruling parties main opposition, the Formula One Teams Association (FOTA), have been involved in a long battle to try to install democracy into the sport, but have suffered casualties along the way, with Eddie Jordan now being ritually humiliated on television as punishment for past signs of dissent.

Click here to get to the finishing line…

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