“I’ve done nothing wrong,” he told us. “I was going to be seen sitting down with the EDL over a pint and getting them to drop the protest which would prove I can listen to opposing points of view and mediate. As long as those points of view come from white English men of course. Let’s not get carried away here.” Continue reading
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With England as good as out of the World Cup, a charity shop in Harold has been mistaken for a BNP outlet after receiving hundreds of old, unwanted England flags.
Doris Kettle works in the store for a few hours a week, and has been staggered by the response.
“Normally we find it hard to find volunteers, but since Friday morning we’ve been inundated with fat, tattooed, shaven headed men asking if they can sign up to ‘help the cause'”, revealed Kettle.
“Now that we have 15 on every shift I’m a bit scared to tell them the money goes to poor Africans.”
An offshoot of the BNP called Prime Britain is campaigning to have the points of the compass renamed in the belief that this will mean devout Muslims won’t know where Mecca is when they come to pray.
“We’re taking a stand for all decent British people whose way of life is under threat,” said Prime Britain leader Kev Gadsby. “This is a Christian country and Muslamics have no right to be facing another country or town or whatever like it’s better or something.” Continue reading
In scenes reminiscent of the Australian cast of Lion King bursting into song to entertain fellow passengers, the group of far-right racists surprised travellers when they suddenly started singing the classic ‘we’re coming, we’re coming’.
“We normally save our voices for our rioting,” one of the baritones in the group explained, “but something about the duty-free alcohol-fuelled flight made us burst into spontaneous song.
Ex-EDL leader Tommy Robinson had been jailed for 18 months for fraudulently claiming he was not racist. He made the claims in October when he left the EDL citing his concerns over the ‘dangers of far-right extremism’.
Robinson pleaded guilty to the charge and told the court that looking back he could see he was actually fooling nobody. “The trouble with fraud is that you have to convince people you are something you are not,” Robinson told the court.
“In hindsight I may have had more luck convincing people I had to leave because I was pregnant than asking them to believe I was no longer a bigot.”
Due to unforeseen circumstances we at the EDL are urgently seeking a new leader.
Please get someone to read the following criteria to you carefully before deciding if you would be a good fit for the EDL. Godfrey Bloom need not apply.
After revealing the name and address of a completely innocent man on twitter, EDL leader, Tommy Robinson has taken to the social media site once again to show he is not as thick as the episode made him look.
Robinson was attempting to publish the name and address of the editor of EDL News, an anti-EDL protest group, but instead revealed the details of a man who doesn’t even share the same name.
Evening Harold exclusive interview:
Godfrey Bloom splashes in puddles. As we walk to Harold café Veggie! Veggie! Veggie! for a brunch of vegan bacon and eggs washed down with foamy glasses of milkless milk, the now ex-senior Ukip politician cannot conceal his delight at being free of the boorish identity he had to assume to fulfil that role and so splashes his Birkenstocks happily in the puddles on the High Street, his kaftan flapping in the breeze.
“It was hell,” Bloom says of his former life once we’re settled in a cosy booth and he’s removed his crochet beanie lamenting over the amount of time it’s going to take for his hair to grow long again, “but worth it. My mission was to penetrate Ukip and troll it by hogging the headlines and when on Friday Nigel Farage said ‘increasingly, over past months his statements have left us in a position where, frankly, what we stand for and what we campaign for are irrelevant,’ my work was done.”
“We will still seek to vigorously protect our airports and seaports from an influx of Asians and Eastern Europeans, but we will turn a blind eye to the post” said EDL spokesmen Bernard Grout.
“I’m aware some people might think we have done a 360% turn and are therefore hypnotists” said Grout. “But our members have always been sex-starved loners first, and racists second.”