Donald Trump has caused further international confusion this morning by taking to Twitter to condemn “Yuge, bad illegal immigrant-led terror attack in Kingdom of Lancre. Really terrible. Sad. Mainstream (fake) news not covering story. Again!”
Tag Archives: Donald Trump
“I have a great instinct for this sort of thing, there is no need to get lost in the detail” explained Trump.
“Everything is on the table, there’s the two-state solution, but I’ve also discussed the one-state solution with Governor Netanyahu. Perhaps it could be called ‘Israelvania’ as a compromise?”
Defiant attorney general Sally Yates claims that whilst she was neutral on her stance about travel restrictions for some Muslim nationals, the reason that she was sacked was purely footwear related.
“Trump insisted that I start to wear ugly 1970’s flat shoes, very unlike his usual preference to 6” heels, and when I tried one on, a weird blade shot out of the front of it.” Ms Yates told us. “Fashion aside, it’s hardly practical, so I politely declined to wear them, saying that they were uncomfortable on a few levels, at which point all he had to say to me was : “I’m very disappointed in you, number 3…” whatever the hell that means, I’m not sure why he was stroking that cat either.” Continue reading
Diplomats were left crossing their fingers today after it emerged that Donald Trump is under the impression that Theresa May is actually a high-class Russian call girl on a visit to cement relations with Moscow.
“We think it’s the coat,” explained the British ambassador in Washington. “We said ‘no Cossack’, but she just does her own thing. It’s not going to be pretty.”
He admitted that May’s opening US speech may have been ill-advised, after she departed slightly from the usual diplomatic protocol and spoke of “Bending over and taking one for my country”.
Trump was in exultant mood today. “Boy, she’s hot!” he tweeted. “Told me she already fucked 64 million people in her own country, my kind of girl!”
“Theresa May? Theresa WILL more like!”
“There’s no easy way to break it to him that his $8,000,000,000 wall can be scaled with a $9.99 ladder” confided a desperate aide who wished to remain anonymous.
Having taken back control from the EU, the UK will today give it all to the United States when Theresa May meets Donald Trump to complete Britain’s decades long march up the United States’ bottom. Continue reading
After experiencing only a few hours of the new presidential regime the bust of Winston Churchill that Donald Trump had returned to the Oval Office bellowed “bugger this for a game of soldiers” and took itself back to the British Embassy. Continue reading
“It’s frickin’ ridiculous, I finally develop a foolproof plan to take over the world and I can’t even get a ransom of ten thousand dollars let alone one million” said Dr Evil. “People just smile at me and say ‘better the Dr Evil you know’, and ask if I’ll pose for a photo with them.”
Uplifting symphony about to be followed by a scab-covered plague rat farting through a dented tin whistle, Barack Obama, is spending his remaining hours in power making the White House suitable for Donald Trump. Continue reading
Following the supposed burial of Eugene Cernan, the last astronaut to walk on the moon, conspiracy theorists have pointed out a large number of inconsistencies which may mean that the whole funeral was faked.
“We don’t know exactly how they did it,” explained leading sceptic Barry Renfrew, “But if you look carefully at the official pictures there’s something fishy about this so-called burial.”
“At first glance it looks like a perfectly normal funeral. But when you look closely, little discrepancies begin to emerge which discredit the whole thing.”
“For example, it’s clearly not raining in the scene, and yet everyone is using an umbrella. Was this actually to shield them from the harsh lights in the studio where this image was created? We can only guess.”
“On the same lines, look at the American flag. Nothing wrong with it you might think, the old Stars and Stripes.”
“But hang on – isn’t there something wrong? That’s right – it’s flying straight out, but there’s clearly no wind in the picture! What a give away!”
“The rocket looks a bit dodgy too, if I’m honest.”
“On the whole, we believe the funeral was an obvious fake, probably to put pressure on the Russians, who have yet to work out how to bury their own astronauts.”
Renfrew was quick to deny suggestions that he was actually just an over-sceptical person.
“Absolutely not. I generally believe everything. Like most people, I believe the moon landings were staged. I believe the earth is flat, and possibly on the back of a tortoise.”
“In fact, the only thing I can’t believe, is that Donald Trump is about to be President.”
“That’s GOT to be made-up.”
Boris Johnson has flown to America to star with Donald Trump in the new Dumb and Dumber movie, sources confirmed today.
The movie, titled Dumb and Dumber 4 – Trump and Trumper will tell the story of two unintelligent friends from who set out on a cross-country trip to return a briefcase full of stolen votes to their rightful owner, only to be pursued by a group of Russian hackers.
“The pair’s childish antics will have everyone in stitches, as we all marvel at how two adult human beings could be so relentlessly stupid,” said a spokesperson.
“Then they’ll start filming the movie.”
Donald Trump has at last learned the US security agencies he’s slagged off are the very people who shield him from idiots even more deranged than his own supporters.
“Goddam! Really?” asked the orange pussy-grabber “I thought Kevin Costner and Clint Eastwood were doing it. And that other one. The big black guy who said he’d take a bullet for Kevin Kline. You remember, when Kevin was President for a few months, back in the 90s.” Continue reading
Relieved Republican Party officials have finally persuaded a musician to perform at Donald Trump’s Presidential Inauguration – the well-loved Australian chart-topper Rolf Harris.
GOP insiders had been increasingly nervous that no top-ranking stars would agree to take part, after angry refusals from everyone who’s been on television in the last 70 years.
Absolutely everyone famous you’ve ever heard of respectfully declined their invitation to attend the ceremony, explaining that they had a sore throat, scheduling difficulties, and they thought Trump was an asshole.
Fortunately, the terms of Rolf’s open prison meant he was able to step in at short notice, ensuring Trump’s supporters would get the kind of entertainment they deserve.
It is believed that the star will be performing a set packed with favourites, including Two Little Boys, Tie me Kangaroo Down Sport, and I’m Jake the Peg (Grab them by the Pussy).
There have of course been concerns that associating with such an unpleasant character might be bad publicity, but Rolf is said to be fairly relaxed about this, provided Trump doesn’t get too close.
The ghosts who for over one hundred and seventy years have been successfully haunting misanthropic rich men and getting them to see the error of their ways have refused to work their magic on Donald Trump. The ghosts’ agent, C.J.H Dickens, said that they’d been offered the gig and begged to attend by Trump’s transition team however all three have said no. Continue reading
The something nasty in the nation’s woodshed, Nigel Farage, has united people across the political spectrum by being deeply unpleasant.
“The world seems more violent and confusing than ever,” said parish councillor, Nina O’Neill. “Thanks then to Nigel Farage for being entirely vile and bringing us all together with a rallying cry of ‘hark at this arsehole, can you believe what he’s just said?’” Continue reading
The latest in a series of tweets made by furious ginger guinea pig in a crappy man costume, Donald Trump, which have sent some companies share prices tumbling has claimed its first landmass victim as Wales announced its closure after the President-Elect tweeted
“I think the pic worked” beamed the President-erect.
“The Chinese have stopped complaining about me taking a call from the President of Taiwan, I mean President ON Taiwan. And they say I don’t know how to be diplomatic? Sad!”
Despite Trump’s optimism, foreign policy experts remain on tenterhooks.
“If China so much as hints at ‘small hands’, it’s World War 3”, warned one expert.
Narcissistic racist to apologise to US on “behalf of Britain” for its mockery of narcissistic racist
Cathedral roof gargoyle come to boorish life, Nigel Farage, has announced that he is going to the US to “meet all sorts of people and I shall say to them…please forgive some of the things that were said about your President during the election campaign because I’m just that important. Did you see those buses and that poster? That was me. I am shit-hot, ladies.” Continue reading
Lemming spokesman Nigel said while he and his fellow rodents were only endowed with very small brains, they gave up cliff jumping decades ago.