Donald Trump, the least credible politician since Caligulia’s horse, Incitatus*, claimed during a series of tweets that he is the victim of “the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!” and as such is closing the borders to witches from all countries. Continue reading
Tag Archives: Donald Trump
Ivanka Trump says her father is essentially a feminist, a keen supporter of women’s rights.
“I grew up in a house where there were no barriers to what I could accomplish as a billionaire’s daughter.”
Speaking without apparent irony on women’s entrepreneurship, Ms Trump said she stayed a whole year at her first job after school, before being lucky enough to land a post with the Trump Organization.
“You’ve got to make your own luck in business, because nobody’s going to hand you success on a plate.” Continue reading
Donald Trump has released a list of demands to be met when he arrives in the UK in October with the chief among them being that he gets to ride a hippogriff and land with it on the roof of Buckingham Palace. Continue reading
Donald Trump today held a “historic press conference” as he signed an executive order reversing Barrack Obama’s Verizon cellphone contract set up in October 2016.
Addressing the US media Trump said that Obama’s contract was hugely expensive and accused the former president of using his cellphone to listen to telephone communications of many US leading figures, until it was pointed out by CNN that this was how telephones usually work. Continue reading
Trump said the US was being threatened on all sides by reasoned, well set out arguments and the time had come to fight back.
“We can’t fight reasoned arguments just relying on alternative facts alone, right?” said Trump.
The ghost of Richard Nixon held a press conference last night to make it clear that it has nothing whatsoever in common with Donald Trump.
“I was a crook but this guy’s a godamned loon,” said the ghost. “I reject utterly being involved in his sordid fantasies when he tweeted “How low has President Obama gone to tapp my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy!”* for a start I know how to spell ‘tap’.”
“People say that I disgraced the office of president but Trump’s doing to democracy what I did to Cambodia. And I find it totally [expletive deleted] offensive to have my name used by him in this manner. Now I say to you, Mr President, back off because you won’t have Nixon to kick around anymore.”
The ghost then ended the press conference by saying it was now heading happily back to the afterlife where untethered by time it had already seen how Trump’s presidency concludes and that on the whole it was very glad it wasn’t alive to experience it and urged everyone who would to “get ahead of the rush” and invest heavily in baseball bats, tinfoil and nuclear missile repellent now.
*We didn’t make this tweet up.
Republican Senator Ben Sasse described the allegations as very serious. “We Republicans would never stoop so low as to read even if it’s just 140 characters – it’s just not in our DNE.”
Donald Trump has caused further international confusion this morning by taking to Twitter to condemn “Yuge, bad illegal immigrant-led terror attack in Kingdom of Lancre. Really terrible. Sad. Mainstream (fake) news not covering story. Again!”
“I have a great instinct for this sort of thing, there is no need to get lost in the detail” explained Trump.
“Everything is on the table, there’s the two-state solution, but I’ve also discussed the one-state solution with Governor Netanyahu. Perhaps it could be called ‘Israelvania’ as a compromise?”
Defiant attorney general Sally Yates claims that whilst she was neutral on her stance about travel restrictions for some Muslim nationals, the reason that she was sacked was purely footwear related.
“Trump insisted that I start to wear ugly 1970’s flat shoes, very unlike his usual preference to 6” heels, and when I tried one on, a weird blade shot out of the front of it.” Ms Yates told us. “Fashion aside, it’s hardly practical, so I politely declined to wear them, saying that they were uncomfortable on a few levels, at which point all he had to say to me was : “I’m very disappointed in you, number 3…” whatever the hell that means, I’m not sure why he was stroking that cat either.” Continue reading
Diplomats were left crossing their fingers today after it emerged that Donald Trump is under the impression that Theresa May is actually a high-class Russian call girl on a visit to cement relations with Moscow.
“We think it’s the coat,” explained the British ambassador in Washington. “We said ‘no Cossack’, but she just does her own thing. It’s not going to be pretty.”
He admitted that May’s opening US speech may have been ill-advised, after she departed slightly from the usual diplomatic protocol and spoke of “Bending over and taking one for my country”.
Trump was in exultant mood today. “Boy, she’s hot!” he tweeted. “Told me she already fucked 64 million people in her own country, my kind of girl!”
“Theresa May? Theresa WILL more like!”
“There’s no easy way to break it to him that his $8,000,000,000 wall can be scaled with a $9.99 ladder” confided a desperate aide who wished to remain anonymous.
Having taken back control from the EU, the UK will today give it all to the United States when Theresa May meets Donald Trump to complete Britain’s decades long march up the United States’ bottom. Continue reading
After experiencing only a few hours of the new presidential regime the bust of Winston Churchill that Donald Trump had returned to the Oval Office bellowed “bugger this for a game of soldiers” and took itself back to the British Embassy. Continue reading
“It’s frickin’ ridiculous, I finally develop a foolproof plan to take over the world and I can’t even get a ransom of ten thousand dollars let alone one million” said Dr Evil. “People just smile at me and say ‘better the Dr Evil you know’, and ask if I’ll pose for a photo with them.”
Uplifting symphony about to be followed by a scab-covered plague rat farting through a dented tin whistle, Barack Obama, is spending his remaining hours in power making the White House suitable for Donald Trump. Continue reading
Following the supposed burial of Eugene Cernan, the last astronaut to walk on the moon, conspiracy theorists have pointed out a large number of inconsistencies which may mean that the whole funeral was faked.
“We don’t know exactly how they did it,” explained leading sceptic Barry Renfrew, “But if you look carefully at the official pictures there’s something fishy about this so-called burial.”
“At first glance it looks like a perfectly normal funeral. But when you look closely, little discrepancies begin to emerge which discredit the whole thing.”
“For example, it’s clearly not raining in the scene, and yet everyone is using an umbrella. Was this actually to shield them from the harsh lights in the studio where this image was created? We can only guess.”
“On the same lines, look at the American flag. Nothing wrong with it you might think, the old Stars and Stripes.”
“But hang on – isn’t there something wrong? That’s right – it’s flying straight out, but there’s clearly no wind in the picture! What a give away!”
“The rocket looks a bit dodgy too, if I’m honest.”
“On the whole, we believe the funeral was an obvious fake, probably to put pressure on the Russians, who have yet to work out how to bury their own astronauts.”
Renfrew was quick to deny suggestions that he was actually just an over-sceptical person.
“Absolutely not. I generally believe everything. Like most people, I believe the moon landings were staged. I believe the earth is flat, and possibly on the back of a tortoise.”
“In fact, the only thing I can’t believe, is that Donald Trump is about to be President.”
“That’s GOT to be made-up.”
Boris Johnson has flown to America to star with Donald Trump in the new Dumb and Dumber movie, sources confirmed today.
The movie, titled Dumb and Dumber 4 – Trump and Trumper will tell the story of two unintelligent friends from who set out on a cross-country trip to return a briefcase full of stolen votes to their rightful owner, only to be pursued by a group of Russian hackers.
“The pair’s childish antics will have everyone in stitches, as we all marvel at how two adult human beings could be so relentlessly stupid,” said a spokesperson.
“Then they’ll start filming the movie.”
Donald Trump has at last learned the US security agencies he’s slagged off are the very people who shield him from idiots even more deranged than his own supporters.
“Goddam! Really?” asked the orange pussy-grabber “I thought Kevin Costner and Clint Eastwood were doing it. And that other one. The big black guy who said he’d take a bullet for Kevin Kline. You remember, when Kevin was President for a few months, back in the 90s.” Continue reading