Tag Archives: Donald Trump

Trump closes US borders to witches to stop them hunting him

Point to someone who’s about to get impeached, Donnie

Donald Trump, the least credible politician since Caligulia’s horse, Incitatus*, claimed during a series of tweets that he is the victim of “the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!” and as such is closing the borders to witches from all countries. Continue reading

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Ivanka: “Gender no barrier to my life as billionaire’s heir”

A moment of self doubt? No, just thinking about shoes

Ivanka Trump says her father is essentially a feminist, a keen supporter of women’s rights.

“I grew up in a house where there were no barriers to what I could accomplish as a billionaire’s daughter.”

Speaking without apparent irony on women’s entrepreneurship, Ms Trump said she stayed a whole year at her first job after school, before being lucky enough to land a post with the Trump Organization.

“You’ve got to make your own luck in business, because nobody’s going to hand you success on a plate.” Continue reading

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Trump insists on riding hippogriff across London during state visit

You think he’d more of a Dementor person really

Donald Trump has released a list of demands to be met when he arrives in the UK in October with the chief among them being that he gets to ride a hippogriff and land with it on the roof of Buckingham Palace. Continue reading

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Trump signs order reversing Obama’s cellphone contract

Normally charges for autographs, invoice to follow

Donald Trump today held a “historic press conference” as he signed an executive order reversing Barrack Obama’s Verizon cellphone contract set up in October 2016.

Addressing the US media Trump said that Obama’s contract was hugely expensive and accused the former president of using his cellphone to listen to telephone communications of many US leading figures, until it was pointed out by CNN that this was how telephones usually work. Continue reading

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Trump declares war on grammar with HUUGE expansion of US exclamation mark capacity!!

President Trump vowed to defeat liberal grammar Nazis with a huge build up of US exclamation mark and capital letter reserves.

Trump said the US was being threatened on all sides by reasoned, well set out arguments and the time had come to fight back.

“We can’t fight reasoned arguments just relying on alternative facts alone, right?” said Trump.
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Nixon’s ghost distances itself from Donald Trump

Ghosts hate twitter #FACT

The ghost of Richard Nixon held a press conference last night to make it clear that it has nothing whatsoever in common with Donald Trump.

“I was a crook but this guy’s a godamned loon,” said the ghost. “I reject utterly being involved in his sordid fantasies when he tweeted “How low has President Obama gone to tapp my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy!”* for a start I know how to spell ‘tap’.”

“People say that I disgraced the office of president but Trump’s doing to democracy what I did to Cambodia. And I find it totally [expletive deleted] offensive to have my name used by him in this manner. Now I say to you, Mr President, back off  because you won’t have Nixon to kick around anymore.”

The ghost then ended the press conference by saying it was now heading happily back to the afterlife where untethered by time it had already seen how Trump’s presidency concludes and that on the whole it was very glad it wasn’t alive to experience it and urged everyone who would to “get ahead of the rush” and invest heavily in baseball bats, tinfoil and nuclear missile repellent now.

*We didn’t make this tweet up.

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Obama alleged to have monitored Trump with dastardly ‘reading Twitter’ ploy

Damning proof that Obama can read

President Trump’s allegations that Barack Obama personally monitored him in the weeks before the election are likely true, although there is speculation the method used was ‘reading Twitter’ rather than wiretaps.

Republican Senator Ben Sasse described the allegations as very serious. “We Republicans would never stoop so low as to read even if it’s just 140 characters – it’s just not in our DNE.”
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Trump cites non-existent Lancre terror attack

Local women are not amused (apart from Nanny Ogg, obvs).

Donald Trump has caused further international confusion this morning by taking to Twitter to condemn “Yuge, bad illegal immigrant-led terror attack in Kingdom of Lancre. Really terrible. Sad. Mainstream (fake) news not covering story. Again!”

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Trump: ‘I have the smarts to solve the Israel-Pennsylvania conflict’

‘I can see you’re amazed about my foreign policy knowledge’

President Trump used a press conference with Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu to say he doesn’t need detailed briefings from officials as he already has the smarts to solve the Israel-Pennsylvania conflict.

“I have a great instinct for this sort of thing, there is no need to get lost in the detail” explained Trump.

“Everything is on the table, there’s the two-state solution, but I’ve also discussed the one-state solution with Governor Netanyahu. Perhaps it could be called ‘Israelvania’ as a compromise?”
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Trump sacks attorney general for refusing to wear shoe with a retractable blade

Defiant attorney general Sally Yates claims that whilst she was neutral on her stance about travel restrictions for some Muslim nationals, the reason that she was sacked was purely footwear related.

“Trump insisted that I start to wear ugly 1970’s flat shoes, very unlike his usual preference to 6” heels, and when I tried one on, a weird blade shot out of the front of it.” Ms Yates told us. “Fashion aside, it’s hardly practical, so I politely declined to wear them, saying that they were uncomfortable on a few levels, at which point all he had to say to me was : “I’m very disappointed in you, number 3…” whatever the hell that means, I’m not sure why he was stroking that cat either.” Continue reading

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Disaster looms as Trump under impression Theresa May is Russian call girl

Come and keep your comrade warm

Diplomats were left crossing their fingers today after it emerged that Donald Trump is under the impression that Theresa May is actually a high-class Russian call girl on a visit to cement relations with Moscow.

“We think it’s the coat,” explained the British ambassador in Washington. “We said ‘no Cossack’, but she just does her own thing. It’s not going to be pretty.”

He admitted that May’s opening US speech may have been ill-advised, after she departed slightly from the usual diplomatic protocol and spoke of “Bending over and taking one for my country”.

Trump was in exultant mood today. “Boy, she’s hot!” he tweeted. “Told me she already fucked 64 million people in her own country, my kind of girl!”

“Theresa May? Theresa WILL more like!”

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Trump’s aides too scared to tell him about ‘the ladder’

Just $9.99 from all good Mexican hardware stores

President Trump’s aides are frantically trying to work out how to tell their boss about ‘the ladder’ and how it is on sale for $9.99 at all good Mexican hardware stores.

“There’s no easy way to break it to him that his $8,000,000,000 wall can be scaled with a $9.99 ladder” confided a desperate aide who wished to remain anonymous.
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Unelected PM to meet popular vote losing President to hand him UK

The rest of the sign reads “Is a myth”

Having taken back control from the EU, the UK will today give it all to the United States when Theresa May meets Donald Trump to complete Britain’s decades long march up the United States’ bottom. Continue reading

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Bust of Winston Churchill gets up and walks out of the Oval Office

“Sir Winston, do you want to hang out with President Trump?” “Never!”

After experiencing only a few hours of the new presidential regime the bust of Winston Churchill that Donald Trump had returned to the Oval Office bellowed “bugger this for a game of soldiers” and took itself back to the British Embassy. Continue reading

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Dr Evil complains he can’t hold world to ransom when people prefer him to Trump

“I can’t even extort one frickin’ million dollars”

Dr Evil announced his retirement saying it’s no longer possible to make a living by threatening to take control of the world when people prefer that to Donald Trump being in charge.

“It’s frickin’ ridiculous, I finally develop a foolproof plan to take over the world and I can’t even get a ransom of ten thousand dollars let alone one million” said Dr Evil. “People just smile at me and say ‘better the Dr Evil you know’, and ask if I’ll pose for a photo with them.”
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Prawns sewn in curtain hems: Obama gets White House ready for Trump

11098344_1566777213573721_432835855_n

Two dogs, one underside of the Resolute Desk

Uplifting symphony about to be followed by a scab-covered plague rat farting through a dented tin whistle,  Barack Obama, is spending his remaining hours in power making the White House suitable for Donald Trump. Continue reading

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Burial of last man to walk on moon was ‘obvious fake’

Fake funeral

Still more likely than Donald Trump

Following the supposed burial of Eugene Cernan, the last astronaut to walk on the moon, conspiracy theorists have pointed out a large number of inconsistencies which may mean that the whole funeral was faked.

“We don’t know exactly how they did it,” explained leading sceptic Barry Renfrew, “But if you look carefully at the official pictures there’s something  fishy about this so-called burial.”

“At first glance it looks like a perfectly normal funeral. But when you look closely, little discrepancies begin to emerge which discredit the whole thing.”

“For example, it’s clearly not raining in the scene, and yet everyone is using an umbrella. Was this actually to shield them from the harsh lights in the studio where this image was created? We can only guess.”

“On the same lines, look at the American flag. Nothing wrong with it you might think, the old Stars and Stripes.”

“But hang on – isn’t there something wrong? That’s right – it’s flying straight out, but there’s clearly no wind in the picture! What a give away!”

“The rocket looks a bit dodgy too, if I’m honest.”

“On the whole, we believe the funeral was an obvious fake, probably to put pressure on the Russians, who have yet to work out how to bury their own astronauts.”

Renfrew was quick to deny suggestions that he was actually just an over-sceptical person.

“Absolutely not. I generally believe everything. Like most people, I believe the moon landings were staged. I believe the earth is flat, and possibly on the back of a tortoise.”

“In fact, the only thing I can’t believe, is that Donald Trump is about to be President.”

“That’s GOT to be made-up.”

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Trump takes credit for sun coming up this morning

trump hat

Night, or hat too big, Donald?

After taking credit for a new car factory which had been planned for years, Donald Trump has also insisted that a strongly-worded midnight tweet complaining about the dark was responsible for the sun coming up this morning.

The tweet, which was sent last night, read “World all dark now! Terrible!”

Mere hours after this, the sun rose again, making Trump’s supporters jubilant.

“Not even President yet, and he’s already brought forth a giant glowing ball in the East!” said one, adding “He’s done more to end night-time than Obama did in eight years!”

Cynics pointing out that the sun was likely to come up anyway have been met with derision and called “typical liberal intellectuals” or “Hollywood elite”.

The onset of dusk this evening did little to dampen Trump’s sense of achievement. Taking to Twitter again, he explained the likely cause of the sudden darkness, saying: “Getting dark again – all Obama’s fault! So sad!”

 

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Donald Trump and Boris Johnson to star in new Dumb and Dumber movie

trump and trumper

Remind us, which one’s Dumber?

Boris Johnson has flown to America to star with Donald Trump in the new Dumb and Dumber movie, sources confirmed today.

The movie, titled Dumb and Dumber 4 – Trump and Trumper will tell the story of  two unintelligent friends from who set out on a cross-country trip  to return a briefcase full of stolen votes to their rightful owner, only to be pursued by a group of Russian hackers.

“The pair’s childish antics will have everyone in stitches, as we all marvel at how two adult human beings could be so relentlessly stupid,” said a spokesperson.

“Then they’ll start filming the movie.”

 

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Oops. After learning CIA also does his security, Trump tweets “I’m a big fan”

trump-phone

“How do I say I’m sorry without saying I’m sorry?”

Donald Trump has at last learned the US security agencies he’s slagged off are the very people who shield him from idiots even more deranged than his own supporters.

“Goddam! Really?” asked the orange pussy-grabber “I thought Kevin Costner and Clint Eastwood were doing it. And that other one. The big black guy who said he’d take a bullet for Kevin Kline. You remember, when Kevin was President for a few months, back in the 90s.” Continue reading

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