Tag Archives: Donald Trump

Bust of Winston Churchill gets up and walks out of the Oval Office

“Sir Winston, do you want to hang out with President Trump?” “Never!”

After experiencing only a few hours of the new presidential regime the bust of Winston Churchill that Donald Trump had returned to the Oval Office bellowed “bugger this for a game of soldiers” and took itself back to the British Embassy. Continue reading

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Dr Evil complains he can’t hold world to ransom when people prefer him to Trump

“I can’t even extort one frickin’ million dollars”

Dr Evil announced his retirement saying it’s no longer possible to make a living by threatening to take control of the world when people prefer that to Donald Trump being in charge.

“It’s frickin’ ridiculous, I finally develop a foolproof plan to take over the world and I can’t even get a ransom of ten thousand dollars let alone one million” said Dr Evil. “People just smile at me and say ‘better the Dr Evil you know’, and ask if I’ll pose for a photo with them.”
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Prawns sewn in curtain hems: Obama gets White House ready for Trump

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Two dogs, one underside of the Resolute Desk

Uplifting symphony about to be followed by a scab-covered plague rat farting through a dented tin whistle,  Barack Obama, is spending his remaining hours in power making the White House suitable for Donald Trump. Continue reading

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Burial of last man to walk on moon was ‘obvious fake’

Fake funeral

Still more likely than Donald Trump

Following the supposed burial of Eugene Cernan, the last astronaut to walk on the moon, conspiracy theorists have pointed out a large number of inconsistencies which may mean that the whole funeral was faked.

“We don’t know exactly how they did it,” explained leading sceptic Barry Renfrew, “But if you look carefully at the official pictures there’s something  fishy about this so-called burial.”

“At first glance it looks like a perfectly normal funeral. But when you look closely, little discrepancies begin to emerge which discredit the whole thing.”

“For example, it’s clearly not raining in the scene, and yet everyone is using an umbrella. Was this actually to shield them from the harsh lights in the studio where this image was created? We can only guess.”

“On the same lines, look at the American flag. Nothing wrong with it you might think, the old Stars and Stripes.”

“But hang on – isn’t there something wrong? That’s right – it’s flying straight out, but there’s clearly no wind in the picture! What a give away!”

“The rocket looks a bit dodgy too, if I’m honest.”

“On the whole, we believe the funeral was an obvious fake, probably to put pressure on the Russians, who have yet to work out how to bury their own astronauts.”

Renfrew was quick to deny suggestions that he was actually just an over-sceptical person.

“Absolutely not. I generally believe everything. Like most people, I believe the moon landings were staged. I believe the earth is flat, and possibly on the back of a tortoise.”

“In fact, the only thing I can’t believe, is that Donald Trump is about to be President.”

“That’s GOT to be made-up.”

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Trump takes credit for sun coming up this morning

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Night, or hat too big, Donald?

After taking credit for a new car factory which had been planned for years, Donald Trump has also insisted that a strongly-worded midnight tweet complaining about the dark was responsible for the sun coming up this morning.

The tweet, which was sent last night, read “World all dark now! Terrible!”

Mere hours after this, the sun rose again, making Trump’s supporters jubilant.

“Not even President yet, and he’s already brought forth a giant glowing ball in the East!” said one, adding “He’s done more to end night-time than Obama did in eight years!”

Cynics pointing out that the sun was likely to come up anyway have been met with derision and called “typical liberal intellectuals” or “Hollywood elite”.

The onset of dusk this evening did little to dampen Trump’s sense of achievement. Taking to Twitter again, he explained the likely cause of the sudden darkness, saying: “Getting dark again – all Obama’s fault! So sad!”

 

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Donald Trump and Boris Johnson to star in new Dumb and Dumber movie

trump and trumper

Remind us, which one’s Dumber?

Boris Johnson has flown to America to star with Donald Trump in the new Dumb and Dumber movie, sources confirmed today.

The movie, titled Dumb and Dumber 4 – Trump and Trumper will tell the story of  two unintelligent friends from who set out on a cross-country trip  to return a briefcase full of stolen votes to their rightful owner, only to be pursued by a group of Russian hackers.

“The pair’s childish antics will have everyone in stitches, as we all marvel at how two adult human beings could be so relentlessly stupid,” said a spokesperson.

“Then they’ll start filming the movie.”

 

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Oops. After learning CIA also does his security, Trump tweets “I’m a big fan”

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“How do I say I’m sorry without saying I’m sorry?”

Donald Trump has at last learned the US security agencies he’s slagged off are the very people who shield him from idiots even more deranged than his own supporters.

“Goddam! Really?” asked the orange pussy-grabber “I thought Kevin Costner and Clint Eastwood were doing it. And that other one. The big black guy who said he’d take a bullet for Kevin Kline. You remember, when Kevin was President for a few months, back in the 90s.” Continue reading

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Rolf Harris only musician to agree to play at Trump Inauguration

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Two little toys out of shot

Relieved Republican Party officials have finally persuaded a musician to perform at Donald Trump’s Presidential Inauguration – the well-loved Australian chart-topper Rolf Harris.

GOP insiders had been increasingly nervous that no top-ranking stars would agree to take part, after angry refusals from everyone who’s been on television in the last 70 years.

Absolutely everyone famous you’ve ever heard of respectfully declined their invitation to attend the ceremony, explaining that they had a sore throat, scheduling difficulties, and they thought Trump was an asshole.

Fortunately, the terms of Rolf’s open prison meant he was able to step in at short notice, ensuring Trump’s supporters would get the kind of entertainment they deserve.

It is believed that the star will be performing a set packed with favourites, including Two Little Boys, Tie me Kangaroo Down Sport, and I’m Jake the Peg (Grab them by the Pussy).

There have of course been concerns that associating with such an unpleasant character might be bad publicity, but Rolf is said to be fairly relaxed about this, provided Trump doesn’t get too close.

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Ghosts of Christmas past, present and future refuse to haunt Donald Trump

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Humbug

The ghosts who for over one hundred and seventy years have been successfully haunting misanthropic rich men and getting them to see the error of their ways have refused to work their magic on Donald Trump. The ghosts’ agent, C.J.H Dickens, said that they’d been offered the gig and begged to attend by Trump’s transition team however all three have said no. Continue reading

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Welcome break from complexities of Islamic terrorism provided by Nigel Farage being balls out awful

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“Nationalism is an infantile thing. It is the measles of mankind” – Einstein

The something nasty in the nation’s woodshed, Nigel Farage, has united people across the political spectrum by being deeply unpleasant.

“The world seems more violent and confusing than ever,” said parish councillor, Nina O’Neill. “Thanks then to Nigel Farage for being entirely vile and bringing us all together with a rallying cry of ‘hark at this arsehole, can you believe what he’s just said?’” Continue reading

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Wales to close after Trump tweet knocks billions off value

wales_flagThe latest in a series of tweets made by furious ginger guinea pig in a crappy man costume, Donald Trump, which have sent some companies share prices tumbling has claimed its first landmass victim as Wales announced its closure after the President-Elect tweeted
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Trump smooths things over with China by snapchatting them a dick pic

trump-phoneDonald Trump says he’s completely smoothed things over with China by sending them a snapchat of his dick to show how much more they mean to him than Taiwan.

“I think the pic worked” beamed the President-erect.

“The Chinese have stopped complaining about me taking a call from the President of Taiwan, I mean President ON Taiwan. And they say I don’t know how to be diplomatic? Sad!”

Despite Trump’s optimism, foreign policy experts remain on tenterhooks.

“If China so much as hints at ‘small hands’, it’s World War 3”, warned one expert.

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Narcissistic racist to apologise to US on “behalf of Britain” for its mockery of narcissistic racist

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Anyone else having trouble with the fact none of this is photoshop?

Cathedral roof gargoyle come to boorish life, Nigel Farage, has announced that he is going to the US to “meet all sorts of people and I shall say to them…please forgive some of the things that were said about your President during the election campaign because I’m just that important. Did you see those buses and that poster? That was me. I am shit-hot, ladies.” Continue reading

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Time for humans to stop lecturing us about jumping off cliffs, say lemmings

"Jump off a cliff? We look twice before dismounting a stone."

“Jump off a cliff? We look twice before dismounting a stone.”

After the election of Donald Trump and Brexit, the lemming community says it’s rich of humans to lecture THEM about jumping off cliffs.

Lemming spokesman Nigel said while he and his fellow rodents were only endowed with very small brains, they gave up cliff jumping decades ago.
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“Thank f*ck that’s over.” says a weary UK “Can we go back to Syria and refugees now?”

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Aggghhhhhh. Enough already. SHUT UP!

Wearied by the spewings of a malevolent, sulky troll over the past month, the UK has rediscovered its interest in Syria and migrants drowning in the Mediterranean.

“I got emotionally dulled by pictures of children covered in blood and dust.” says Harold’s Carly Jeffery “So in October, the prospect of a 24×7 reality show about an orange sociopath with anger issues Continue reading

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Statue of Liberty spotted buying ticket to Paris “just in case”

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She’s been doing that grumpy face ever since she realised what a mistake being in Ghostbusters II was

The Mother of Exiles from whose beacon-hand glows worldwide welcome has been spotted in a Manhattan travel agents buying a one-way ticket to Paris for November 9th.

“It’s just in case,” said the Statue of Liberty. “Just in case Trump wins the keys to the White House. I’d rather go home than stay here as a landmark in a country ruled by an orange malignancy who couldn’t be more of an enemy of democracy if he beat it to death in an alley then broke into its house and shat on its cat.” Continue reading

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Trump to import Brute Squad from Florin to “observe” polling stations

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Anybody want a peanut?

Donald Trump has today announced that in order to “protect this great democracy from Crooked Hillary” he is flying the Florinese Brute Squad to the US at his own expense.

“This will make America great again!” Trump thundered. “King Humperdink is a swell guy, we’re very close unless he turns out to be a huge threat to global security and then I’ve never met him. He’s got this amazing Brute Squad in Florin City that go into the Thieves Quarter and prove that the long arm of the law usually has a rock at the end of it. I love these guys!” Continue reading

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Trump won’t commit to accept gravity

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Trump is on the lookout for floating voters

During the third televised presidential debate, the United States’ most popular orange wig-stand, Donald Trump, has refused to commit to accept gravity.

“I have a tremendous plan to make America float again.” said Trump last night. “Crooked Hillary’s ‘universal laws’ have held this country down for far too long. Believe me, it’s gonna be so great….”

When pressed by the moderator to confirm his acceptance of gravity, Trump declined Continue reading

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Trump denies running for president, blames media

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“O, thou scabrous reptile, thou cream-faced loon, thou pussy toad…” Joe Queenan

Proof that money can’t buy happiness or a decent wig, Donald Trump, has taken to Twitter to deny that he’s running for President of the USA. Continue reading

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Octopuses ‘up in arms’ at Trump groping comparison

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Gerald, in a blue period, due to the comparisons

Male octopuses say they are very respectful to females, and being linked to Donald Trump’s groping is very unfair.

Gerald the octopus says he and his friends always ask first before touching females of the species, and even then its the most gentle of caresses, not a grope.
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