Tag Archives: Donald Trump

Trump defends controversial presidential pardon of Scar the lion

According to Trump there’s very bad lions on both sides of this

Compelling evidence that the world isn’t real but a computer simulation that’s gone tits up in a crappy suit, Donald Trump, has told a press conference that he is proud to have pardoned Scar, a hirsute regicide from Pride Rock. Continue reading

Comments Off on Trump defends controversial presidential pardon of Scar the lion

Filed under Trump

Support group for those who still can’t believe Trump is president overwhelmed

Look at that face, is that really the so-called Leader of the Free World? We’d prefer Mr Pastry

An urgent appeal for volunteers has been made by a group set up to help those who just can’t take in the fact that the United States has an illiterate and racist satsuma in charge of it. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Donald Trump

Trump rows back on conceding Charlottesville violence may not have been entirely the victims’ fault

Donald Trump showing off with his one times table

President Trump says although, in theory, those hurt in the Charlottesville riots were “not entirely to blame” for their own injuries, the likelihood is that they were.

The President said white supremacists, Good ol’ boys at heart, might want to examine their consciences and see if their actions might perhaps, in some small, unintended way, have contributed to the situation, but it’s not really necessary. Continue reading

Comments Off on Trump rows back on conceding Charlottesville violence may not have been entirely the victims’ fault

Filed under USA

Oh great – it’s a nuclear pissing contest and one guy loves golden showers

The world is resigned to Armageddon after the realisation that at least one of the leaders in the US / North Korean nuclear pissing contest positively welcomes a golden shower.

“We’re screwed. Trump is goading Kim Jong-un to fire an ICBM tipped in prostitute’s piss in our direction” sighed Washington DC cab driver Ed Stevens.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Oh great – it’s a nuclear pissing contest and one guy loves golden showers

Filed under Golden Showers

Trump grabs planet by the pussy

But…but he seems so nice

The world continues to act surprised in the wake of an elderly sociopath proving that he has no regard for others or the future. Continue reading

Comments Off on Trump grabs planet by the pussy

Filed under News

Trump closes US borders to witches to stop them hunting him

Point to someone who’s about to get impeached, Donnie

Donald Trump, the least credible politician since Caligulia’s horse, Incitatus*, claimed during a series of tweets that he is the victim of “the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!” and as such is closing the borders to witches from all countries. Continue reading

Comments Off on Trump closes US borders to witches to stop them hunting him

Filed under Trump

Ivanka: “Gender no barrier to my life as billionaire’s heir”

A moment of self doubt? No, just thinking about shoes

Ivanka Trump says her father is essentially a feminist, a keen supporter of women’s rights.

“I grew up in a house where there were no barriers to what I could accomplish as a billionaire’s daughter.”

Speaking without apparent irony on women’s entrepreneurship, Ms Trump said she stayed a whole year at her first job after school, before being lucky enough to land a post with the Trump Organization.

“You’ve got to make your own luck in business, because nobody’s going to hand you success on a plate.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Ivanka: “Gender no barrier to my life as billionaire’s heir”

Filed under News, Trump

Trump insists on riding hippogriff across London during state visit

You think he’d more of a Dementor person really

Donald Trump has released a list of demands to be met when he arrives in the UK in October with the chief among them being that he gets to ride a hippogriff and land with it on the roof of Buckingham Palace. Continue reading

Comments Off on Trump insists on riding hippogriff across London during state visit

Filed under Donald Trump

Trump signs order reversing Obama’s cellphone contract

Normally charges for autographs, invoice to follow

Donald Trump today held a “historic press conference” as he signed an executive order reversing Barrack Obama’s Verizon cellphone contract set up in October 2016.

Addressing the US media Trump said that Obama’s contract was hugely expensive and accused the former president of using his cellphone to listen to telephone communications of many US leading figures, until it was pointed out by CNN that this was how telephones usually work. Continue reading

Comments Off on Trump signs order reversing Obama’s cellphone contract

Filed under News

Trump declares war on grammar with HUUGE expansion of US exclamation mark capacity!!

President Trump vowed to defeat liberal grammar Nazis with a huge build up of US exclamation mark and capital letter reserves.

Trump said the US was being threatened on all sides by reasoned, well set out arguments and the time had come to fight back.

“We can’t fight reasoned arguments just relying on alternative facts alone, right?” said Trump.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Trump declares war on grammar with HUUGE expansion of US exclamation mark capacity!!

Filed under Politics

Nixon’s ghost distances itself from Donald Trump

Ghosts hate twitter #FACT

The ghost of Richard Nixon held a press conference last night to make it clear that it has nothing whatsoever in common with Donald Trump.

“I was a crook but this guy’s a godamned loon,” said the ghost. “I reject utterly being involved in his sordid fantasies when he tweeted “How low has President Obama gone to tapp my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick) guy!”* for a start I know how to spell ‘tap’.”

“People say that I disgraced the office of president but Trump’s doing to democracy what I did to Cambodia. And I find it totally [expletive deleted] offensive to have my name used by him in this manner. Now I say to you, Mr President, back off  because you won’t have Nixon to kick around anymore.”

The ghost then ended the press conference by saying it was now heading happily back to the afterlife where untethered by time it had already seen how Trump’s presidency concludes and that on the whole it was very glad it wasn’t alive to experience it and urged everyone who would to “get ahead of the rush” and invest heavily in baseball bats, tinfoil and nuclear missile repellent now.

*We didn’t make this tweet up.

Comments Off on Nixon’s ghost distances itself from Donald Trump

Filed under Trump

Obama alleged to have monitored Trump with dastardly ‘reading Twitter’ ploy

Damning proof that Obama can read

President Trump’s allegations that Barack Obama personally monitored him in the weeks before the election are likely true, although there is speculation the method used was ‘reading Twitter’ rather than wiretaps.

Republican Senator Ben Sasse described the allegations as very serious. “We Republicans would never stoop so low as to read even if it’s just 140 characters – it’s just not in our DNE.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Obama alleged to have monitored Trump with dastardly ‘reading Twitter’ ploy

Filed under Politics

Trump cites non-existent Lancre terror attack

Local women are not amused (apart from Nanny Ogg, obvs).

Donald Trump has caused further international confusion this morning by taking to Twitter to condemn “Yuge, bad illegal immigrant-led terror attack in Kingdom of Lancre. Really terrible. Sad. Mainstream (fake) news not covering story. Again!”

Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under International News

Trump: ‘I have the smarts to solve the Israel-Pennsylvania conflict’

‘I can see you’re amazed about my foreign policy knowledge’

President Trump used a press conference with Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu to say he doesn’t need detailed briefings from officials as he already has the smarts to solve the Israel-Pennsylvania conflict.

“I have a great instinct for this sort of thing, there is no need to get lost in the detail” explained Trump.

“Everything is on the table, there’s the two-state solution, but I’ve also discussed the one-state solution with Governor Netanyahu. Perhaps it could be called ‘Israelvania’ as a compromise?”
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Politics

Trump sacks attorney general for refusing to wear shoe with a retractable blade

Defiant attorney general Sally Yates claims that whilst she was neutral on her stance about travel restrictions for some Muslim nationals, the reason that she was sacked was purely footwear related.

“Trump insisted that I start to wear ugly 1970’s flat shoes, very unlike his usual preference to 6” heels, and when I tried one on, a weird blade shot out of the front of it.” Ms Yates told us. “Fashion aside, it’s hardly practical, so I politely declined to wear them, saying that they were uncomfortable on a few levels, at which point all he had to say to me was : “I’m very disappointed in you, number 3…” whatever the hell that means, I’m not sure why he was stroking that cat either.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Trump sacks attorney general for refusing to wear shoe with a retractable blade

Filed under Trump

Disaster looms as Trump under impression Theresa May is Russian call girl

Come and keep your comrade warm

Diplomats were left crossing their fingers today after it emerged that Donald Trump is under the impression that Theresa May is actually a high-class Russian call girl on a visit to cement relations with Moscow.

“We think it’s the coat,” explained the British ambassador in Washington. “We said ‘no Cossack’, but she just does her own thing. It’s not going to be pretty.”

He admitted that May’s opening US speech may have been ill-advised, after she departed slightly from the usual diplomatic protocol and spoke of “Bending over and taking one for my country”.

Trump was in exultant mood today. “Boy, she’s hot!” he tweeted. “Told me she already fucked 64 million people in her own country, my kind of girl!”

“Theresa May? Theresa WILL more like!”

1 Comment

Filed under Politics, Sex

Trump’s aides too scared to tell him about ‘the ladder’

Just $9.99 from all good Mexican hardware stores

President Trump’s aides are frantically trying to work out how to tell their boss about ‘the ladder’ and how it is on sale for $9.99 at all good Mexican hardware stores.

“There’s no easy way to break it to him that his $8,000,000,000 wall can be scaled with a $9.99 ladder” confided a desperate aide who wished to remain anonymous.
Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Politics

Unelected PM to meet popular vote losing President to hand him UK

The rest of the sign reads “Is a myth”

Having taken back control from the EU, the UK will today give it all to the United States when Theresa May meets Donald Trump to complete Britain’s decades long march up the United States’ bottom. Continue reading

2 Comments

Filed under Politics

Bust of Winston Churchill gets up and walks out of the Oval Office

“Sir Winston, do you want to hang out with President Trump?” “Never!”

After experiencing only a few hours of the new presidential regime the bust of Winston Churchill that Donald Trump had returned to the Oval Office bellowed “bugger this for a game of soldiers” and took itself back to the British Embassy. Continue reading

Comments Off on Bust of Winston Churchill gets up and walks out of the Oval Office

Filed under International News

Dr Evil complains he can’t hold world to ransom when people prefer him to Trump

“I can’t even extort one frickin’ million dollars”

Dr Evil announced his retirement saying it’s no longer possible to make a living by threatening to take control of the world when people prefer that to Donald Trump being in charge.

“It’s frickin’ ridiculous, I finally develop a foolproof plan to take over the world and I can’t even get a ransom of ten thousand dollars let alone one million” said Dr Evil. “People just smile at me and say ‘better the Dr Evil you know’, and ask if I’ll pose for a photo with them.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Dr Evil complains he can’t hold world to ransom when people prefer him to Trump

Filed under News, Politics