Tag Archives: Daily Mail

Daily Mail demands cut-price summer BBQs, as well as holidays

There’s a big demand for these chops so you can have one at half-price

Well-known free market critic, the Daily Mail, has called on the government to cap the cost of BBQs in warm weather.

Inspired by the story of Jon Platt, who rejects the laws of supply and demand when they increase his holiday costs, the Mail is expanding its campaign for discount-price holidays during peak periods, to include other seasonal goods and services.

“Retailers ‘somehow’ manage to sell a Weber Genesis E330 BBQ for £700 in January” whined Sarah Vine, who used to be a journalist, “but barely three months later, the sun comes out and they’re all ‘It’s £1,599 take it or leave it’. It must be Jeremy Corbyn’s Continue reading

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Chancellor responds to Daily Mail’s instructions

Is he awake?

Living embodiment of a heavy mogadon overdose in human form, Philip Hammond, has dropped plans to increase NI rates for the self-employed.

“I’ve listened to the negative comments of the Daily Mail and its readers and acted accordingly.” said Chancellor Hammond, adding, “I’m not a fool!”.

“I now realise Continue reading

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Filed under Economy, News, Politics

Brexiteers call for Queen to overturn ‘unelected peers’ decision

Still struggling to grasp the situation

Frothing Westminster brexiteers have called for the monarch to take decisive action, after the Lords exercised their parliamentary rights and voted for EU nationals to stay in the UK post-Brexit.

Rising onto his elbows from his sick-bed, against medical advice, swivel-eyed MP John Redwood spluttered “will of the people … clear mandate … take back control … must get the Queen to Continue reading

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Even Daily Mail readers acknowledge Brexit as a shit sandwich

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But the bus, oh the bus was beautiful. Surely something that pretty cannot lie?

As Theresa May says no way to Brexit promises on immigration and the NHS while leaders at the G20 summit queue up to tell her they’d rather trade with some ducks and a pie than Britain, even Daily Mail readers are realising that Brexit is bobbins. Continue reading

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People who say they hate the Daily Mail still reading it constantly

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Every time you click on the Daily Mail Paul Dacre rips the wings off an angel

Despite being the embodiment of no sane person’s values and an enemy of tolerance and reason the Daily Mail remains massively popular with everyone who claims to hate it.

“It’s a disgusting rag,” said local estate agent Gill Gates. “It hates women and relentlessly promotes division. I believe it represents the very worst aspects of our society. How often do I read it? Oh all the time. It’s on my bookmarks bar and I like to keep up with it so I can have lots of stuff to be outraged at throughout the day.” Continue reading

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Grave fears for Daily Mail’s editor as twelve hours pass without Jeremy Corbyn smear

DacreDaily Mail editor Paul Dacre is missing, presumed dead, after no Jeremy Corbyn smears have been published for over 12 hours.

The absence of Corbyn smears for that length of time was very out of character for the Mail, according to police spokesman Edwin Wallis.
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Goebbels family suing Daily Mail over vermin refugee cartoon

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mac’s allegedly controversial cartoon

The family of former Nazi  Reich Minister of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels has announced immediate legal action against the Daily Mail newspaper, following the Mail’s cartoon comparing Middle-Eastern refugees to rats.

Goebbels’ famous propaganda movies and posters also pictured Jewish people as fleeing rodents, and according to German lawyers the Mail is guilty of blatant copyright infringement.

“It’s not that we don’t like what they’re doing,” explained a Goebbels family member at a press conference this morning in a Munich beer-hall. “We think Josef would have been right behind them, it’s more the principle.”

Daily Mail cartoonist Mac was quick to defend his cartoon, saying: “I’ve never copied anyone, it’s all blatant nasty lying bullshit – which I have to hold my hands up and admire, to be honest.”

“If I’ve been influenced in any way by Nazi propaganda, that would be purely subconsciously, an innocent result of spending many happy days surrounded by Nazi memorabilia, poring over Mein Kampf into the late hours. A bit of that stuff is bound to sink in.”

In a further twist, it emerged that representatives of current neo-Nazi parties were “closely studying” the rest of the Daily Mail’s content.

“That’s not because we’re thinking of suing or anything,” explained one fascist, “We just think it’s a bloody good read.”

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‘50% of refugees could be secret ginger extremists’ says Daily Mail

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Escaping their roots?

Following the conviction of a “ginger extremist” for plotting to kill Princes Charles and William, the Daily Mail has revealed that up to 50% of so-called refugees from Syria could actually be secret gingers on a mission to undermine the UK’s brown and blond society.

“People see heartbreaking pictures of migrants in boats apparently fleeing a warzone,” argued Mail editor Paul Dacre today, “But have you ever noticed how many of them are wearing hats?”

“Many of them are coming over here, claiming to be light brown or ‘strawberry blonde’, but it’s clear that in many cases this is nothing but a ruse.”

A spokesperson from the UK’s National Council of Gingers expressed shock at the assumption that redheads were terrorists based purely on the colour of their hair.

“It may be true that many of the refugees follow are of ginger background,” he explained, “But the vast majority of gingers are peaceful, hard-working folk, even if they do look a bit funny.”

Instances of gingerphobia are on the rise worldwide, as seen in the recent incident in a US school when a ginger pupil was arrested by police after bringing in a comb which teachers found threatening.

President Obama attempted to make it up to the boy by inviting him to visit the White House any time he wants, provided he wears some sort of hair net, and a message of solidarity was issued from the National Association for the Advancement of Bald People.

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One at a time: Guardian on mission to declare everything in known universe racist

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If you have to ask whether or not Mister Superpaws is racist, you’re part of the problem

It’s already ticked tea, Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds, barbecues, universities, beaches, spoons, and hair off the list (guess how many of those we made up) and though it has along way to go the Guardian is determined to see through its mission to declare absolutely everything racist.

“I’m confident we can do it,” editor Katharine Viner told us. “We used to do proper investigative journalism but by focussing on this we can just pay a few freelancers to sit in their kitchens and endlessly pump out daft opinion pieces. It certainly saves money.” Continue reading

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Poor Daily Mail still confusing Kim Kardashian for news

image The Daily Mail has had its medication reviewed after a study of its website shows it is still confusing Kim Kardashian for news.

“We thought we had dealt with this illness that sees them confuse paparazzi stalking and soft core perversion with news,” The MailOnline’s therapist told us.
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Daily Mail admits to getting a bit excited by Isis

Paul Dacre: sweaty palms

Punishment for sins we all committed in a past life and alleged source of news, the Daily Mail, has admitted that Isis gets them a little bit sweaty.

“It’s the way they keep doing entirely unspeakable things to people and filming it that I find so fascinating,” said editor, Paul Dacre. “We then publish images from those films, with the worst details ever-so-slightly blurred, and harrumph about how evil it is. Then we do it again and again and again. Simples.” Continue reading

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Paul Dacre leaves house wearing unflattering suit, sporting high forehead haircut, and no make-up

Paul Dacre, editor of The Daily Mail, arrives at the High Court to give evidence to the Leveson Inquiry on February 9, 2012 Paul Dacre has been pictured leaving his house this morning, possibly to meet a woman, or a man, or to buy a paper, wearing an unflattering suit and carrying more than a few extra pounds.

His daring outfit, comprising a grey two-piece suit in a dark galactic grey teamed with a white shirt with unflattering blue vertical pinstripes and a burgundy tie, left the Daily Mail editor looking older than his years.
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Today is ‘Let’s remember the Daily Mail supported Hitler’ day!

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Daily Mail owner, left, with friend

It has been announced that December 28th is from now on to be the day when we should all remember that just prior to the Second World War, English newspaper the Daily Mail was actively supporting the Nazi dictator Hitler, we’ve just decided.

The decision to have a special day to remind people that behind the Mail’s paper-thin facade of middle class respectability lurks a creepingly foul fascist cesspit has been in the pipeline for a while, but finally came to fruition following the paper’s story today about the Queen’s correspondence with former nutter and cannibal Idi Amin.
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Daily Mail talking bollocks again

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The Daily Bollocks

The Daily Mail’s exclusive story attacking the makers of feminist t-shirts for sweatshop conditions has been revealed to be total bollocks, it was revealed today.

In an unsurprising development, the Mail’s bitter criticism of the charity behind the ‘This is what a feminist looks like’ shirts has been comprehensively refuted by the Fawcett Society, which has produced evidence that the workers were paid above minimum wage, worked reasonable hours, were allowed to join unions and received paid overtime.

Eva Neitzert, deputy chief executive of the society, said in a statement: “We’re not surprised, frankly. That tedious bunch of bigoted arseholes will do anything to ridicule women. What a depressingly predictable load of toss.”

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Britain First boycott reading.

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Britain First leaders organising their now famous ‘library invasions’

Far­-right Facebook picture sharers Britain First have called on their supporters to boycott reading after some words were written about them that were critical and questioned their practices.

The group, which is a splinter group of the BNP set up by disgruntled party members, made the call to action following their boycott of The Sun for criticising their use of Lynda Bellingham’s death to garner support and on the Daily Mail for being too socialist and left wing.

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No Ebola in UK: Daily Mail heartbroken

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“Why is everyone so healthy, dammit?” Paul Dacre

It’s a global health crisis that’s slowly but surely breaking the heart of the nation’s scaremonger-in-chief, Paul Dacre. The editor of the Daily Mail is reported to be barely a shadow of himself as day after day Ebola fails to appear in the UK. Continue reading

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Theresa May’s crackdown on poisonous organisations won’t include Daily Mail

Home Secretary outlines her get-tough policy for most people “Then, if I think they look a bit iffy, I grab them by the balls…”

New anti-extremist measures announced yesterday, targeting people and groups who “stay just within the law but spread poisonous hatred”, were described as draconian by some who might fall foul of legislation: Peter Hitchens, Richard Littlejohn, Melanie Phillips and Paul Dacre.

Although a future Conservative government would ban most extremist groups, hurried negotiations yesterday afternoon with Daily Mail owner Lord Rothermere mean the self-styled ‘newspaper’ will be exempt, due to its “unique contribution” to the cultural life of the country.

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“Breathing linked to cancer!” says Daily Mail

 

All these stiffs were breathing before they died.

Look! All theses stiffs were breathing before they died

In a major longitudinal study, first revealed rather breathlessly in the Daily Mail, researchers at Dunstable Royal Infirmary have identified breathing as a key factor linked to cancer and eventual death.

The project’s leader and Harold’s very own GP Dr Clive Evans, explained the breakthrough. “Until recently we’d focussed on dead patients, who generally weren’t breathing at all. But when we started to monitor live patients, an astonishingly high correlation with breathing suddenly emerged.”

‘Forest’, the right-to-enjoy-a-lingering-death-from-tobacco people, Continue reading

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Daily Mail continues to wage its terror campaign against Britain

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Wide-eyed and dangerous: the Daily Mail’s leader is a fanatic known only as Paul Dacre

Vicious tabloid the Daily Mail continues to wage war against us all with its tawdry and sensational coverage of world events. Today it has chosen to show pictures of the last moments of David Haines’ life before he was murdered by Isis. Continue reading

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Pack of braying media leeches ‘fear for Paul Gascoigne’s health’

 

Gazza thought the flashing lights when he went out in the morning were to do with his drinking

Gascoigne didn’t realise his blurred vision wasn’t always due to drinking

Paparazzi have asked fans to pray for the recovery of Paul Gascoigne (48 colummn inches).

He was papped earlier this week looking hagard, belying his ability to still shift papers.

The footballing legend is being treated in hospital for a serious illness, which many people feel entitled to be informed about and then make judgements upon.

A worried jackal, Brian (300mm, f stop 5.7), spoke from the scrum outside the hospital ‘I really hope he’s not drinking that gin I gave him, at least not all of it. I bought an appartment on the Algarve thanks to Gazza, and I really owed him one.’

Concerned vampire Simon (50mm, mainly portrait work) agreed. ‘I got him to agree to an exclusive tomorrow, if he makes it through the night. But I also spoke with Geoff, a former team mate (pundit rates, less 10% for cash) who agreed I can make up some quotes for him to say, so I’m covered whatever the outcome.’ Continue reading

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