Tag Archives: cricket

Amazingly, Geoff Boycott is still not out

“I’d like to say sorry for being found out. Can I bill you for that?”

Former cricketer and legendary arsehole, Geoffrey Boycott is still ‘not out’ at the BBC, despite taking a risky shot at West Indian players.

Boycott’s smouldering resentment surfaced recently when at a Sky Sports event, forgetting some brown people were in the audience, he said he’d stand more chance of being knighted if he blacked his face.

A Buckingham Palace spokesman acknowledged “I suppose that might work – if it somehow stops him being an arsehole, Continue reading

Comments Off on Amazingly, Geoff Boycott is still not out

Filed under News, Sport

Cricket fan insists on finishing sex under Duckworth-Lewis method

Duckworth-LewisA cricket fan’s marriage is on the rocks after his continued insistence on ending sex under the Duckworth-Lewis method.

When it came to matters of an intimate nature, Harold car dealer and local councillor Ron Ronsson would always insist he’d won the toss and choose to go first, according to divorce papers filed in Dunstable County Court.

The affidavit from Ronsson’s wife Yvonne said Ron was obsessed by cricket, especially the 20/20 format, and he would conduct his love making in the same high octane manner shouting ‘four!’, ‘six!!’, or ‘that’s a huge one !!!’ after each stroke.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Cricket fan insists on finishing sex under Duckworth-Lewis method

Filed under Around Harold, Sport

English invent the new sport of being English – England lose first game

Prince Harry's choice of kit didn't go down well

Prince Harry’s choice of kit didn’t go down well

With the sporting world being dominated by sports invented by the English but won by everyone else, the English have invented a new game in the hope it is one only they can win; the new sport of being English.

Sadly England lost the inaugural game, going down to a 134-0 defeat amid some questionable tactical decisions.

Leading the England forward attack were Prince William and Hugh Grant, two players considered to be the embodiment of Englishness.

Sadly the game was lost when these two giants in the game started talking in German from the first whistle

The team’s manager, Queen Elizabeth couldn’t hide her frustration from the touchline and was heard to shout to her players “was machst du?”

Speaking at her post match press conference, QE2 told reporters: “By speaking German they lost us the game. Obviously the rules state you need to speak perfect English, with more points awarded the more plums you have in your mouth.

“But speaking another language isn’t in the rules of being English. We tried to win the game back by having Steve McClaren come on and start speaking to foreigners in English but with a bad foreign accent and a slightly raised voice, but the game was already lost.”

England’s chances had already taken a blow before the match had even started. Typical English Tory toff Jacob Rees-Mogg was due to be playing the vital midfield dynamo role but sent his Swiss nanny on instead.

The support from the fans was also disappointing from an English point of view. Known for following the England football team in a traditional brassy way, the England Supporters Band turned up to get behind the team. Although confusion set in when they substituted ‘The Great Escape’ for the French national anthem played on vuvuzelas.

A last minute attempt to win the game came as everyone on the England team indulged in a round of binge drinking, throwing up, and fighting each other for no apparent reason, but sadly this all came after the final whistle and outside the stadium.

Unfortunately, things don’t look good for the future of England in the new sport of being English. Losing this inaugural game so emphatically can only be a bad omen seeing as they didn’t yet have an opponent.

Comments Off on English invent the new sport of being English – England lose first game

Filed under News, Sport

Osborne guarantees Indian match-fixing costs

osbornegambling

More donations and votes? You do surprise me

On the first day of his visit to India, George Osborne has announced match-fixers in the sub-continent will soon be eligible for loans backed by the UK government.

“Gambling is one of the UK’s great success stories.” brayed the man born into a wealthy family with an hereditary peerage app; a roll-over winner in the lottery of life “So we’re opening up that market to friends in India, who have friends in the UK with donations to make and votes to sell.” Continue reading

Comments Off on Osborne guarantees Indian match-fixing costs

Filed under News, Politics, Sport

Howzat! Pietersen out after 13797 runs

---pietersen-20130807181645325666-300x0

The ECB have sacked England’s highest ever run-scorer in order to…er…score more runs. More on this story should it ever make sense.

Comments Off on Howzat! Pietersen out after 13797 runs

Filed under Sport

Captain Alistair Cook sets off to sea to ‘undiscover Australia’

nostralia

No-stralia: the undiscovered country.

The England Cricket Board has funded a major sea voyage, with the hope that Captain Cook can ‘undiscover Australia’.

Whittled from ash and unusually rudderless, it’s hoped the vessel can complete its voyage before sinking without trace.

Speaking from the poop deck, the dashing figure of Alistair Cook pledged that he ‘would not return until the seas below Indonesia were proved to be completely devoid of any troubling land masses’.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Captain Alistair Cook sets off to sea to ‘undiscover Australia’

Filed under Sport, Technology

England cricket team put down by Perth vet

dead cricketer

Had a good innings – just not recently…

Deeply lamented by a large circle of sorrowing friends and acquaintances,  the England cricket team was finally put out of its misery today by a sympathetic Perth veterinary surgeon.

Like a horse with a broken leg, a blind dog or a really crap cricket team, spirit broken and body reduced to a wheezing shell, England had been reluctantly hobbling blindly onward under the whip of public opinion. By the end the team were little more than things of amusement for the howling cruelty of the Australian crowds and David Warner. Continue reading

1 Comment

Filed under Farming, Health, Sport

Is this about the cricket? UK’s Christmas card to Australia less festive than usual

shutterstock_16952602-e1357307525201

Comments Off on Is this about the cricket? UK’s Christmas card to Australia less festive than usual

by | December 8, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Please don’t name me either, says Australian cricket captain [EDIT: And most of England team]

Michael Clarke in typical pose, heading back to pavilion

Following a newspaper’s proposal to discourage England bowler Stuart Broad by not naming him, the Australian cricket captain Michael Clarke has made a heartfelt plea not to be named either, after a disastrous performance on day one of the Ashes.

The Brisbane Courier-Mail, after apparently being taken over by a consortium of six-year-olds, put the unusually grown-up plan on its front page yesterday. The perhaps hasty reasoning being that maverick bowler Broad thrives on aggression, and therefore could be neutralised by never speaking his name. Not for nothing is the city of Brisbane known as a centre of philosophy and logical thinking. Continue reading

Comments Off on Please don’t name me either, says Australian cricket captain [EDIT: And most of England team]

Filed under Lost and Found, Sport

English Sports scientist resurrects bails from 1882 Ashes

ashes

Brimful of Ashes.

A sports scientist at the cutting edge of technology has revealed plans to recreate the original bails from cricket’s famous 1882 ‘Ashes’.

When the unthinkable happened 131 years ago and ‘the colonies’ won on British soil, it was announced that ‘English cricket was dead’ and the bails were ceremonially burned.But thanks to three straight wins on the trot and a burning need to rub it in to the Aussies, Derek Hampton thinks the time is right to resurrect the once exctinct sport.

“By pouring the Ashes into a 3D printer, we should be able to ‘clone’ the bails back to life”, insisted Hampton. “I’ve plugged mine in and it looks pretty straightforward, although I’ve got to be careful not to accidentally fax them.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on English Sports scientist resurrects bails from 1882 Ashes

Filed under Sport, Technology

Australia play Sussex team more on their level ahead of third test

media649

Comments Off on Australia play Sussex team more on their level ahead of third test

by | July 27, 2013 · 2:30 pm

Newsagent reports surge in demand for Aussie sports papers

Watson

Ha. Haha. Hahahahahaha.

A newsagents in Harold has reported a 200-fold increase in orders for antipodean newspapers with miserable-looking sports failures on the front.

Before Thursday, Derek Evans rarely sold a copy of the Sydney Sports Echo, and Oz Cricket Monthly had been banned by the council. But following England’s success in cricket, bicycles and Wimbledon, owning such a periodical is now virtually compulsory.

“This is a good one”, said Evans, holding up a copy of the Wollagaloo Sporting Gazette. “You can see some phlegm on Watson’s face, where Clarke has been shouting ‘you have my full support’ at it.”
Continue reading

Comments Off on Newsagent reports surge in demand for Aussie sports papers

Filed under Around Harold, Sport

Aggers urges batsmen to walk: ‘only a cur would run between stumps’

agnew

Agnew demonstrated how ‘swallowing the ball’ was acceptable if the opponents were losing.

Respected cricket buff Jonathan Agnew has slammed England’s latest approach to the Ashes, after witnessing batsmen running between stumps to score points.

“In my day, breaking into a trot was very much frowned upon”, revealed ‘Aggers’, to audiences everywhere too tight to pay for Sky. “We know we’re better than them so there’s no need to break sweat. We should thrash them at a more sportsmenlike canter.”

With the latest developments in computers, cameras and foreign scapegoats, many had assumed that controversy had abandoned the Gentleman’s Game. But with some players still insisting on waiting for a ruling from umpires rather than a Pakistani betting syndicate, Cricket risks being tarred by the same brush that daubs the sort of chap who plays football.
Continue reading

Comments Off on Aggers urges batsmen to walk: ‘only a cur would run between stumps’

Filed under International News, Sport