Tag Archives: austerity

Cameron promises wife ‘smaller dishes pile and less net dust’

"Coming soon - these birds won't antagonise themselves""

“Coming soon – these birds won’t antagonise themselves””

In a bid to get wife Sam to stick with him for another term, David Cameron promised he will attack the dishes pile and really get on top of the dust despite not making much progress on either of these chores over the last 5 years.

“Gordon left a huge mountain of dishes when he left number 10 and I’ve done really well to stop the pile getting too much bigger” explained the PM.

“And the percentage of dirty to clean dishes has actually decreased over my watch, due to a clever quantitative easing approach I call ‘buying new dishes’.”
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Filed under Election 2015, Election 2015, Politics

Apple to buy Greece as a holiday home

Already contains plenty of white

Already contains plenty of white

Shortly after announcing record profits Apple CEO, Tim Cook, has revealed that the US technology giant is set to buy Greece and use the debt-ridden European country as a holiday home.

The $18bn profit for three months ending December 2014 is the biggest quarterly profit ever made by a public company, and Cook has decided to spend it on ‘something nice’ for Apple’s staff to use.  Continue reading

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Filed under News

Public services cut to 1930s level: Chancellor makes time travel suck

Class divide- Two Eton schoolboys are appraised by three young cockneys outside Lord's in June 1937 as part of class distinction study

England 1937 and today

George Osborne has sent his autumn statement spending plans to the possibly ironically named Office for Budget Responsibility setting the course for the smallest public service spending since the 1930s. Continue reading

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Filed under Economy, Politics

‘We still need to make £25 worth of cuts’ warns George Osborne’s barber

20140106-212627.jpg

“We have come a long way, but the job is not yet half way done”. These were the words of George Osborne’s hairdresser yesterday when talking about the now famous ‘Austerity Cut’ he has been working on for the past few months.

“We have gone some way with this cut but will need to complete at least a further £25 worth of cuts to get things looking a little bit more respectable,” he continued.

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Filed under News, Politics

Food bank for the super-rich opens so they can enjoy austerity ‘fun’

Three days worth of essentials from Food: The Bank

Three days worth of essentials from Food: The Bank

A Harold couple have caused controversy by opening a food bank for the super rich. Oofy and Lysander Eastoft reject accusations that their venture is in bad taste and say that it has been extremely popular amongst their social set which includes some of the wealthiest people in the country.

“It all started when we went to the food bank run by the church,” said Oofy, 32. “We going to get the three days emergency food that they give out and use it all for an ironic dinner party. But the vicar got majorly cross – seriously are vicars even allowed to know words like that? – and she said the food bank was only for people who were in desperate circumstances and had a voucher from their GP or social services.” Continue reading

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Filed under Around Harold, Economy, News

Mayor offsets parish austerity measures ‘by buying massive car’

jackson limo

Mayor hopes car will support ‘up to six hookers’

Local Mayor Rufus D Jackson has reacted swiftly to criticisms of his austerity programme, by buying an ‘absolutely enormous’ car.

With budgets for the local library, citizen’s advice bureau and most bin collections cut by up to 100%, some villagers had started to question how this would lead to more growth.

But while Jackson admitted that the tactic was causing hardship for the sort of people he didn’t care for, he insisted that owning a massive car would help cheer up those that mattered the most.
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Filed under News, Politics