Category Archives: DWP

DWP. Our work with the disabled is “already piloting” the cashless society

Another couple of parasites out on the lash

Work and Pensions minister, David Gauke says the DWP has made great strides towards eliminating a cash-in-hand society for the disabled.

“Obviously, some of them do still have some cash but Rome wasn’t built in a day and we’ve plans to siphon that off Continue reading

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May “sanctioned” over missing Queen’s speech

Her Majesty and Mrs May in happier times

Theresa May’s benefits have been suspended, after she cancelled an appointment with the Queen at Westminster.

“Her Majesty doesn’t take such decisions lightly” said a palace spokesman “but the discipline of attending for work is important, especially for someone who’s left their job for no good reason.”

The PM walked out of her last job eight weeks ago “With no guaranteed job to go to, this was extremely reckless and she can’t expect to just carry on being paid as if nothing Continue reading

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DWP on MS woman’s lost benefits “if she could squeeze a thumb, why not a trigger & work as a killer?”


The name’s Green, Damian Green: licenced to harass

Outraged DWP assessors found that Mel Wiseman, a woman with MS, had rejected work as an internationaal assassin, despite being able to grip someone’s thumb.

“She was assessed last year as a malingerer, who might have taken any number of jobs.” said Damian Green, Secretary of State for Work and Pensions.

“Scalextric test driver, banana ripeness officer or, with her specialist Continue reading

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PM says domestic violence victims ‘should man up’


Calm down dear. Then make me a cup of tea, there’s a good girl

David Cameron has shrugged off a Court of Appeal ruling that the so-called bedroom tax discriminates against so-called domestic violence victims.

The ruling followed legal challenges by a woman with a panic room in her home, but the DWP had argued that she ought to ‘stand up for herself and grow a pair’, adding  that they might issue loans for abused women to learn martial arts and improve their employability.

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IDS wants a hard copy of “disabled whiners’ letter”, so he can bin it


Duncan Smith hears the latest suicide figures for benefit claimants

An open letter from disability groups has been slammed by Iain Duncan Smith for ‘lacking substance’, meaning he can’t throw it in the waste-paper bin; one of the best bits of his job.

Duncan Smith explained  how he’s eradicating poverty by eradicating the poor and now wants to roll out the same approach to the disabled.

“The current system only encourages people to be disabled. Continue reading

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Albert Hall team announce discovery of Hitler’s other ball


It’s a monster!

Following German historians’ discovery that Adolf Hitler did indeed only have one ball, a team of testiculologists at the Albert Hall have announced the surprise discovery of the other one.

German historian Peter Fleischmann recently found medical records confirming that Hitler suffered from “right-side cryptorchidism”, but it was some time before anyone realised that this actually meant the hilarious one-ball thing.

Although the fascist leader’s monotesticularity has long been a cause of speculation, leading historians urged against leaping to conclusions.

A. J. P. Taylor, author of Triumph and Testicles, the Origins of the Second World War, argued that the Albert Hall link was far from proven, saying:

“While popular belief has it that the deficient testicle must be found in the Albert Hall, many other equally plausible theories exist.”

“For example, one respectable school of thought maintains that the Albert Hall idea is a red herring, and that research should instead be carried out into the notion that ‘Goering had two but very small’.”

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IDS denies accidental humiliation of disabled man: “No accident, it’s what gets me up in the morning.”

Iain Duncan Smith laughing

“That’s made my day!” IDS hears claimant really does have multiple sclerosis

Iain Duncan Smith has defended his department’s humiliation of Nick Gaskin, who cannot walk, talk or feed himself.

“It’s a well known fact in my head that benefits scroungers pretend to have multiple sclerosis, constructing elaborate facades by being fed and toileted by an army of well-meaning but frankly gullible carers.”

DWP officials repeatedly asked Mr Gaskin to attend a Jobcentre interview or risk his benefits being stopped. “We were pretty sure he was a wrong’un.” says IDS “When the potential consequences were explained to Mr Gaskin during a home visit, he just sat there blinking, so we clearly had him rattled.”

Nick Gaskin, from Leicestershire, was diagnosed with primary progressive multiple sclerosis (MS) 16 years ago. He needs round-the-clock care and can only communicate through blinking.

“So what?” asked IDS “I need round the clock care myself. In fact we have a dedicated DWP unit just to follow me round and sweep up the shit I make up. And I can’t actually feed myself either – not on a Ministerial salary.”

“But you don’t see me queuing up with a begging bowl and shall I tell you why? Well, yes, living rent free in a mansion on my father-in-law’s estate helps, but this isn’t about me. Don’t change the subject.”

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