Category Archives: Christmas

Merry Christmas

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Ghosts of Christmas past, present and future refuse to haunt Donald Trump

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Humbug

The ghosts who for over one hundred and seventy years have been successfully haunting misanthropic rich men and getting them to see the error of their ways have refused to work their magic on Donald Trump. The ghosts’ agent, C.J.H Dickens, said that they’d been offered the gig and begged to attend by Trump’s transition team however all three have said no. Continue reading

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Adult siblings looking forward to Christmas regression row

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Tis the season to be exactly like Anne and Mary Boylen. Just swap who gets to play nug-a-nug with Henry VIII for who gets to keep the remote control and there’s literally no difference #FACT

Adults across the country are happily preparing to return to their parents’ homes and resume fighting with their brothers and sisters in the most petulant and immature way possible. Continue reading

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Uncertainty over if today you can legit ‘Christmas eat’ or not

Festive Fayre

A healthy and nutritious dinner for one

The village is divided this evening on whether or not today is the day you can eat and booze like Falstaff on a bender without being accused of self-harm.

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Students demand safe space from judgemental Father Christmas

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Fascist

The National Union of Students at the University of Dunstable is intensifying its campaign for a dedicated safe space for students to avoid the trauma of being deemed naughty or nice by Father Christmas. Continue reading

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Anyone who goes shopping today clearly hates themselves

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They have given up the glory of the animal for an eggnog latte and a set of DVDs

Doctors have determined that anyone who chooses to spend hours of the only life they’ll ever have walking slowly in and out of some shops on a Saturday this close to Christmas is medically riddled with self-loathing.

“There’s no other explanation,” local doctor Clive Evans told us. “Why would someone for whom everything is going well and who has a sunny and optimistic outlook decide to do this? The answer is that they wouldn’t. People who go shopping today are in urgent need of help.” Continue reading

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Queen’s Christmas Message to be replaced by 15 minute scream to better sum up 2016

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We felt like this by January 2nd and it’s only gotten worse

A leaked document from Buckingham Palace titled “2016: Blow me to Bermuda!” has revealed that the Queen will not be delivering a Christmas message to the country and the Commonwealth this year as 2016 has been “a right old barrel of piss” and that Her Majesty couldn’t put a decent spin on this one even if “we swap the royal Sanatogen for disco biscuits before showtime.” Continue reading

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Office workers lynch colleague who said she couldn’t wait for Christmas

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Ho, ho, oh sod off you fat, judgemental bastard

Staff at Harold Save & Prosper have defended their decision to put office manager Sam Woods in a wicker man on the grounds that it was unreasonable to expect them to tolerate an adult who genuinely enjoys Christmas. Continue reading

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Merry Christmas

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Father Christmas’ US visa revoked without explanation

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Ho, ho, ho? No, no. no

Christmas looks set to come but not at all to the United States this year as Father Christmas’ visa has been sensationally revoked and missile batteries in Alaska placed on Reindeer In The Sky Alert: Level One.

A spokesperson for the US Department of Homeland Security said that in these tense times their reaction was perfectly justified. “What we’ve got here is a foreign man with a big beard travelling with a huge sack full of who knows what. If that ain’t a threat to the US then we don’t know what is.” Continue reading

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Brenda’s Guide to Christmas Day Fights

fergie_in_maxim-1663-e1367312654387Following the revelation that the average UK family will have at least 5 fights on Christmas day – with the first one at an impressively precise 10.13am – we asked Harold’s relationship guru and all round sage advice giver, Brenda Ferguson, how to avoid stress this festive season.

“Most arguments follow a predictable pattern” said Brenda. “Having studied these closely over the last few minutes, I have been able to come up with a foolproof way to diffuse nasty situations and restore harmony.” Continue reading

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DWP force obese 900 year old man to do worldwide parcel delivery job

father christmasThe DWP has ruled an obese 900 year old man ‘fit to work’, and fully capable of delivering millions of parcels on Christmas Eve.

Department of Work and Pensions spokesperson Neville Satan defended the health and disability assessment ruling, saying the organisation scrupulously applied the standard ‘is the person dead?’ test to their Northern client.

“Mr Claus may be 900 years but he managed to the parcel delivery job last Christmas” said Mr Satan. “He’s done sod all since then so as far as we are concerned it’s back to work you fat, lazy bastard.”
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Chaos at office after colleague brings in camel for ‘Secret Santa’

Camel-Santa - Copy

Bah, Humpbug!

An office worker was facing disciplinary action today after the act of bring a fully-wrapped camel into work for the “Secret Santa”.

In unprecedented scenes, the camel managed to burst out of its wrapping before even half the presents had been opened, ate most of the other gifts and bit the head of Human Resources on the leg.

Brian Renfrew, a business analyst for a shipping company in the UK town of Harold, explained to our reporter that he had not originally intended to purchase the camel.

“I was in the pub last night when I suddenly remembered the office Secret Santa was first thing this morning,” he explained miserably. “I thought I was stuck, then I got into a chat with this bloke at the bar who said he had a camel.”

“I’d had a few drinks, you see.”

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Jeremy Corbyn launches singing career with sure-fire Christmas hit

So sweet

So sweet

Jeremy Corbyn has hit the music scene with what critics say will be this year’s Christmas Number One.

A fabulous video now out of the kindly pensioner singing Happy Birthday Dear Katie has taken the UK by storm.

Harold media analyst Dr Lizzie Phillips says ‘out-of-tune’ is the new black.  “He’s very popular.  I’d definitely put a fiver on him winning X-factor.”

The video was tastefully shot in Cockermouth, showing Jeremy and Katie hugging in the cold air, surrounded by festive sand-bags.

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Austerity: Osborne cuts 12 days of Christmas to 3 keeps partridge for himself

The Gidders who stole Christmas

George Osborne has today announced severe cuts to the twelve days of Christmas saying that the nation can no longer afford them and that in any case he and his chums are keeping the best ones for themselves.

“Let’s be realistic about this,” he said. “There is no place in today’s economy for shirkers who go about dancing and putting various types of bird in the post. There is really only one acceptable day for the masses as maids who milk are working hard and contributing to the nation’s coffers. I will also allow professional pipers to pipe and drummers to drum as long as they declare in full any income derived from these activities and aren’t part of some pathetically wet set-up that relies on an Arts Council grant.” Continue reading

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Parents shocked to find song they know at school carol concert

xmaskaleidoscopeREVIEW BY HAROLD MUSIC CORRESPONDENT PIERS WAGHORN:

Parents attending last night’s “Christmas Kaleidoscope” concert at Harold Shining Future Academy (formerly Harold Comprehensive) were shocked to discover that after sitting through 90 minutes of excruciating toss, the very last song was actually one they recognised.

In a bid to give a modern flavour to the event and keep the children interested, a musical set was designed with barely any recognisable content at all.

A first glance at the programme (kindly printed by the local branch of Dyno-rod) gave no hint of the horrors to come.

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Office violence in Harold as ‘Best Ever Xmas Hits’ CD repeats for the 100th time.

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Peace on you.

With only 3 days of December gone, violent episodes in offices and shops across the village have begun to soar as Christmas CD repeat plays hit intolerable levels.

Emergency services have reported a jump in the number of stapler based injuries and Dunstable hospital is calling for more blood donors following a spate of viscious paper cuts. Continue reading

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Izal to re-launch as ‘Dash!’

Barbaric and medieval.

Barbaric and medieval.

It was once the nation’s least-favourite toilet paper, but Izal may soon be available again in selected outlets.

“Obviously, the name Izal is a bit soiled by association now,” said Harold businessman Woodrow Gunther, who has acquired the firm for £1, “so we needed a new brand name. We were thinking about that unique combination of sprouts and Quality Street and alcohol and dried fruit and sprouts and After Eights and alcohol you get at Christmas, and very quickly came up with the name Dash!.

“The problem with Izal,” he explained, “is that it’s been smeared thanks to Obama using a sound-alike word to refer to Islamic State. So that was a bummer.” Continue reading

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‘At least we know it’s not Christmas in November’, say Muslim refugees

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August not too early to start

Muslim refugees arriving in Europe have been criticised for failing to observe the traditional November Christmas celebrations, it has emerged.

Rather than seamlessly integrating into the welcoming community, Muslim families have been aggressively neglecting to put up Christmas trees and tinsel, according to furious locals.

“I’m as tolerant as the next man,” accurately ranted resident Simon Williams from the local English village of Harold. “But when I see them coming here, making themselves at home and not even spraying any of that fake snow stuff on their window panes, I just want to kill.”

“I took a yule log round to one of them yesterday, and although he seemed quite grateful, he had the nerve to ask me wasn’t Christmas in December? I ask you, the cheek.” Continue reading

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US states combat ‘threat to Christianity’ by abandoning everything in Bible

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Twats in brown

In the face of a perceived threat to their Christian way of life, many US states have taken the brave decision to completely abandon all the principles that made the Bible a good thing in the first place.

Most states were planning to take in refugees fleeing from the conflict in Syria, but the fact that the Paris terrorists are apparently the same colour has provoked entirely-understandable panic among the fearless Americans.

The practical effect is for the entire southern USA to cancel all that stuff about Good Samaritans, charity and basically all the “Christian” bits of the New Testament.
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