Tag Archives: Tesco

by | November 6, 2013 · 11:00 am

Supermarket ‘face scan’ spots wide faces – refuses to sell them cake

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‘Beep! No butter for you, Mr Wilson. Or shampoo.’

A local shop keeper claims to have developed a ‘face scanning’ tool, that can automatically target fat people and then deny them biscuits or doughnuts.

But sceptics have claimed that the inventor is just shouting ‘beep!’ himself, and then making personal remarks about local known pie botherers.

Woodrow Gunther, owner of Harold’s second-favourite supermarket, ‘Guntco’s’,  claims he developed the device to ‘help save the public from themselves’.
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by | October 29, 2013 · 7:00 am

NASA to help solve peel-and-reseal problem

Our favourite NASA chap: Bobak Ferdowsi, he's a mission control leader, an expert in jet propulsion and he looks like that. We want his life.

Our favourite NASA chap: Bobak Ferdowsi. He’s a mission control leader, an expert in jet propulsion and he looks like that. We want his life.

‘We put a monkey in space, a man on the moon and a robot on Mars,’ said NASA boss Charles Bolden, ‘so why, I asked myself at breakfast this morning, can I not open this pack of fry ham?’

While he pulled and twisted the little tab on the corner of the packet and even tried to separate the plastic film from the tab itself with his fingernails, his hash browns had caramelised in the pan to such an extent that a layer of Teflon switched allegiance to form a new chemical compound.   Ultimately, Bolden was left with no option but to stab at the bacon packaging frantically with the kitchen scissors in a convincing re-enactment of the shower curtain scene from Psycho.  ‘That’s when it struck me,’ he continued, ‘maybe it is rocket science after all.’ Continue reading →

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by | October 22, 2013 · 7:00 am

Supermarkets to cut down on food waste by no longer selling stupid stuff

You have never and you will never need one of these.

You have never and you will never need one of these.

Following an announcement by Tesco yesterday that it’s dropping some of its promotions in order to prevent food waste British supermarkets have vowed to stop selling stupid stuff.

‘Apparently four million tonnes of food that’s perfectly edible, and I mean proper edible not food you’d maybe donate to a food bank then feel slightly guilty about, is thrown away in Britain each year,’ said Sue Gordon, spokesperson for the British Association of Supermarket Retailers. ‘Our members which include every major chain looked at the problem in depth and realised much of this could be avoided if they simply stopped selling stupid stuff. I mean did you know Waitrose sell ostrich eggs that cost nearly twenty quid each. Ostrich eggs! Have we all lost our minds?’ Continue reading →

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by | August 14, 2013 · 7:00 am

Search for Ed Miliband continues

Have you seen this man? What? Really? Oh, our mistake.

Have you seen this man? What? Really? Oh, our mistake.

The search for Ed Miliband continues amid concerns that Britain may have mislaid not just him but the entire Opposition.

“I heard that they’ve made the cleaners look down the back of all the chairs and sofas in the Houses of Parliament,” said Harold pensioner Ruby Butler as she and her grandson decided to do their bit and look for Miliband in the long-ignored shed at the bottom of her garden. “But all they found was a copy of the New Statesman and half a panini.”

“It is worrying,” said local man Adam Cassidy, preparing yet again to go into the woods in the hope that by leaving out dishes of guacamole and reading aloud from a biography of Ramsay MacDonald he would tempt any Labour politicians who may be hiding in them to break cover. “This country is being buggered senseless by the Coalition, social exclusion is rising, the people who need the most help are getting the least and Ed Miliband and the rest of Labour are nowhere to be seen.” Continue reading →

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by | July 21, 2013 · 1:11 pm

Village Tesco cashiers beg to be allowed to stop asking customers how they are

If your partner can't be arsed to listen to you, why should she?

If your partner can’t be arsed to listen to you, why should she?

Cashiers at the Harold branch of Tesco Express are begging their manager to put an end to the practise that sees them forced to ask every single customer how they are.

“It’s horrible,” said one shell-shocked worker who asked to remain anonymous. “Everyone knows that when someone behind a till asks you that question you either ignore it or grunt out a one-word answer but not here. I don’t know what’s wrong with everyone, except I do, and in the most harrowing detail.” Continue reading →

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by | July 4, 2013 · 11:30 am

Village celebrates ‘Independence from Tesco Day’

butchers

Heads & Tails butchers promises to ‘make ends meat’

The villagers of Harold have taken to the high street, to celebrate their new-found independence from Tesco. Many spent under 45 minutes finding a parking space and then a business that wasn’t all boarded up.

For decades Harold has lived under the cruel tyranny of Tesco, suffering from a wide range of goods at near-affordable prices. But now a reasonably hygienic butchers has opened up on the High Street, breaking Tesco’s stranglehold on the community’s meat-based desires. Cllr Ron Ronsson spoke for many when he simply could not hold back his delight with this new place to get his chop on.

“I’ve been shopping in Tesco for so long now, I’d forgotten about the high street completely”, said Ronsson. “Then I found this amazing business that just sells meat and things made from the wobbly bits, so I thought ‘why don’t I buy everything from here?'”
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by | April 4, 2013 · 12:00 pm

Tesco’s self-serve checkouts become more realistic; now with added attitude

Click the picture for a closer look

Click the picture for a closer look

With an increasing amount of complaints about self-serve checkouts in shops being ‘impersonal and robotic’, Tesco are trailing a new version of the tills that gives you the lack of service you have come to expect from a real barely-live person.

Tesco Express in Harold is one of the stores testing out the checkouts and so far they seem to have gone down well. “I always felt uneasy at the way the machines would say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’” one loyal customer explained.

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