Doesn’t look happy, does it? Bet it’s a Remainer
It’s the time of year when eight-legged terror beasts sidle into British homes every bit as needy and unsettling as Kevin Spacey at a youth theatre picnic. However the government are urging people to welcome and nurture the original and least pretentious web-based artists ‘just in case’ as they might come in handy post-Brexit.
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Good Morning Britain
NASA has confirmed that its current Solar mission is a trial run for a planned trip to Piers Morgan’s face. The probe is named the Kardashian in honour of the lady who called him a gaseous windbag in 1958.
“First, we need to test the probe’s shield in the sun’s atmosphere to find out whether it will withstand the extremely high levels of smugness radiating off his enormous face,” said Ms Kardashian. “It won’t, of course, so it’ll burn up on his face and make his head explode, I hope.”
“The original idea,” said NASA, “was to make yesterday’s launch a manned flight, using Piers Morgan as the man. But the risk assessment came out bad. No one knows the effect of smashing a massive ball of molten fury into the sun.” Continue reading
Don’t even look at it. There’s nothing for you here.
In a sight that could provoke tears in a concrete statue of a stiff upper lip some of the most vulnerable people in Britain, rail company bosses, bravely spoke out about the trials they face.
“All we’re trying to do is make a huge profit while investing as much in maintenance and infrastructure as Boris Johnson would in a machine that could induce a state of contrition,” said Manfred Rudhart, CEO of Arriva.
“But our mission is undermined by passengers making ludicrous demands like a season ticket costing thousands of pounds resulting in access to a train they could get on every so often and use to go on a journey.” Continue reading
“Emmanuel. Philip is a big fan, he has all of your films.”
A charmless woman, with few friends and even fewer allies, has gone to the country which invented charm to try and charm its President.
Theresa May, a non-stick politician, whose understanding of charm is limited only by not having any, has been to France today to chat up President Macron.
Mrs May, who promised no election just before calling an election; said there’s no magic money tree just before shaking a magic money tree and giving the fruit to the DUP, and claims to be a Christian whilst giving all the money to the rich is, unsurprisingly, confident she will succeed.
As a committed EU member, France has delegated its brexit negotiations to the EU negotiator, Michel Barnier. So Mrs May thought the best thing to do was to try and bypass Barnier and subvert the whole process by having informal chats with heads of government.
“The PM believes in the divide and rule principle” said Downing Street today “It’s worked so well in the cabinet that she’s keen to try it out on a larger stage. No, me neither.”
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Filed under breaking news, Brexit, News
“Hmmm. Do you know? I think I’ve handled it rather well”
Jeremy Corbyn has used the Westminster summer break to assess how he’s handled allegations of Labour party antisemitism. “I asked Shami, who said ‘You’ve done very well, Jeremy’. She’s studied the subject so, good enough for me.”
“We’re not complacent, even though it took five years to deal with Ken Livingstone but only five hours to put the skids under Margaret Hodge. So we’re making progress. Did I say ‘making progress’? I meant Continue reading
Trying to remember his first point. No one home and even the lights aren’t on
The Supreme Court has ruled that hapless Transport Minister Chris Grayling, who has been in a persistent vegetative state for many years, no longer needs the legal framework of an election to have his financial support withdrawn.
Manchester’s Mayor, Andy Burnham has written to the PM after many requests to Chris Grayling, to actually do the job he’s paid for, went unanswered.
“There’s been little evidence of brain activity from when he was Minister of Justice” said Burnham “and nothing at all since he was moved to Transport. I’ve told Mrs May it would be a kindness to cut off his life-supporting salary.”
Nevertheless, he will make one further contact with Grayling. “The cancelled rail electrification scheme still has loads of kit lying around.” Burnham explained. “We’re going to wire up a 2500 kW Hyundai generator to his gonads and wind it up to full power”.
Burnham agreed that this would have no effect on Grayling’s performance. “We just want to see if we can make his ears light up. The idea is surprisingly popular”.
‘Break right, break right, then line up on the courgettes’
Harold’s allotment committee has offered a new home to the RAF Red Arrows team, which will be homeless once RAF Scampton is sold off.
The former WW2 airstrip has been under cultivation since 1946 but in 2014 was converted to an indoor facility, in the hope of winning lucrative air traffic when more conventional outdoor airports were Continue reading
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Filed under Defence
“Can’t you even give me a hint which country it is?”
The sloth in human form, Theresa May, has said it’s time everyone realised that ‘the clock’ is ticking’ on Brexit negotiations and it’s now time to ‘get on with it’.
The PM is due to meet leaders of Austria, Estonia and the Czech Republic this week and will urge them to pull their fingers out. “Some leaders ‘get it’ and have been very helpful” said Mrs May “but I’m told, by those who know, that one country doesn’t even know what it wants, much less Continue reading
Holding his head to stop it exploding
With a YouGov poll showing Boris Johnson as favourite to lead the Tories, people who can count to 20 without using their fingers and toes have concluded the UK couldn’t pass the 11+.
“I love Boris” said a shopper in Dunstable “he tells it how it is. OK, not ‘how it is’, maybe how it should be. If the moon was made of cheese and you could ride there on a unicorn. Which is definitely what Boris would do if he was PM. Maybe he could be the next monarch, he’d make a great King. As a chubby adulterer, Continue reading
Help me, my career is going down the wazzoo
The serial-liar and self-publicist, Boris Johnson, has called on Theresa May to save his vaunting ambition to become Prime Minister by acceding to his ridiculous demands.
“Whiff-waff, whiff-whaff, ping-pong, fuzzy-wuzzy” said Johnson, addressing the House of Commons in a resignation speech this afternoon.
Whilst praising the PM’s resilience, he said that her Chequers plan would see his ambitions for high office in “miserable limbo. Which is apparently some dance done by blacks”. He said, adding “I haven’t actually googled it.”
Johnson quit ten days ago, saying that he could not support a plan which didn’t involve him ending up as Prime Minister
The BBC said Mr Johnson’s friends were insisting he was not trying to emulate Geoffrey Howe, whose caustic resignation speech in 1990 is widely seen as having paved the way for Margaret Thatcher’s downfall weeks later.
“No, Boris wants to be become Prime Minister by acclamation, ideally being driven by chariot up The Mall, throwing grapes to the assembled throng” said Brexiteer lunatic and Iain Duncan Smith stooge, Steve Baker MP.
“Do you want anyone beaten up?” said Johnson.
Griffiths likes whipping his out in public for selfies
UK sex pests have moved to protect their reputation after it emerged that a member of their Westminster branch was secretly a junior government minister.
Andrew Griffiths spends 40 or 50 hours a week texting lewd suggestions to young women, but has been sensationally revealed as minister for Continue reading
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Filed under Tory sex scandal
“No-one remembers who finished fourth”
England fans up and down the country are waking up this morning salivating at the prospect of Saturday’s playoff against Belgium to decide which team bags the highly-prized World Cup third place.
“No-one remembers who finished fourth,” explained manager Gareth Southgate. “That’s what I’ve told the lads, as if any extra motivation were needed.”
England’s failure in the 1990 third-place playoff remains a painful memory for the nation, and Saturday’s big game is a long-awaited chance to finally put the demons of missing out on the coveted bronze medal to rest.
“It’s like fourth, but one better,” clarified Southgate. “Which would STILL be our best result since 1966. So that makes it exciting and not a pathetic waste of time, right? Here come the Belgians, right?”
“Oh fuck,” he added. “I can’t do it anymore. Can’t we just fucking come home?”
Hmm… Frying pan or Fire? They both seem so attractive
Theresa May’s Cabinet remains divided over which plan it will put forward to be rejected by the EU’s negotiating team, five minutes after they receive it.
David Davis, who still needs help with his shoe laces, is in favour of the Frying Pan option, arguing this will allow the country more time to arrange a smooth transition to the Fire, sometime after Brexit Day, 29th March 2019.
In contrast, Liam Fox, whose only business experience is negotiating cheap hotel deals for his best friend, is said to favour going straight into the Fire. “Then we can sell the Frying Pan on eBay to finance the NHS. I’ve never mentioned it before but I used to be a doctor Continue reading
Blah blah blah, Brexit. Blah blah blah Brexit. Blah blah blah …
Windbag and Question Time regular, the alcohol-pusher Tim Martin, plans to keep talking at his usual rate over the weekend, providing enough CO2 to power a thousand Wetherspoon pubs and most of the UK’s abattoirs.
Martin took a break from telling everyone how wonderful Brexit is going to be for him, his minimum-wage staff*, and the alcohol treatment sector, to explain how Continue reading
Colin, escaping into soup’s sweet release
A crayfish who sacrificed its own limb to survive an encounter in a pub with a vociferous Brexit fan has become an online hero.
Footage shows Colin the crustacean wedged in at the bar next to a tweed-suited Nigel Farage wannabe, before detaching one of its own claws to make a bid for freedom.
At first the tasty shellfish can be seen trying to deflect his assailant with a combination of uncomfortable body language and grunting, but the right-winger‘s first use of the phrase “political correctness gone mad” was enough to convince it that the loss of a claw was a small price to pay.
As the sounds of “I’m not racist, but some of them…” rang behind it, the crayfish hobbled quickly into the pub kitchen, seeking the back door and a handy stream behind the building. It was only to find itself trapped again when Mr Brexit, apparently oblivious to its discomfort, followed it into the kitchen and began extolling the mercantile opportunities of the Commonwealth.
At this point the crayfish realised the only option left to it was to hop into the boiling pan of soup bubbling on the stove, thus ending its torment forever.
Mystified, the Brexit lover returned to the bar to widen his audience, only to be surprised by a stampede of customers also rushing for the kitchen to dive into the sweet release of death by boiling.
More aesthetically pleasing and aerodynamic than Harley originals
In the wake of Donald Trump’s new steel tariffs, retaliatory action is expected which could restrict the import of Harley-Davidson two-wheeled, agricultural behemoths.
However, JCB, the well-known maker of earth-moving equipment, is ready to fill the gap.
“Owners will first have to get used to the reduced noise and increased power of a stationary diesel engine, something like a small scavenge pump, before moving on to the real thing.” said JCB’s Sales Manager Jan Pickford, who outlined what ‘the real thing’ might involve.
“For the prototype, we sliced a JCB digger down the middle, front to back, Continue reading
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Filed under Donald Trump, International News, News, USA
Anyone got a tissue? I was thinking of sacking poor people and ooohh …”
Perennial arsehole, Chris Grayling says he won’t resign in the wake of the catastrophic meltdown of the rail system because “some big boys did it and ran away”.
“It’s not my fault” said the front-bench arsehole, whose management of the criminal justice system was so appalling that his replacement, Michael Gove seemed like a breath of enlightened fresh air. [Look, we can’t do everything for you; just google ‘Chris Grayling, Minister of Justice’ and see for yourselves. Best have a large gin to hand when you do so, unless it’s after 2pm when you can have a quadruple.]
Grayling’s survival in the cabinet led many to believe he has the negatives from Theresa May’s pornographic bio-pic “Give it to me Big Boy” which charted her otherwise inexplicable rise to the highest public office in the land.
“Trust me” said Grayling, who one claimed parliamentary expenses for a property only stumbling-distance from the House of Commons and a mere seventeen minutes by rail from his actual home. “I’m a Conservative.”
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Filed under News
“Darling, the baby sitter’s here.” “Good God, tell him we’re not going out.”
Liam Fox has welcomed the imposition of swingeing tariffs on steel by the USA. “This is going very well and to plan” explained Fox, whose job is signing international trade deals but is actually only qualified to sign sick notes or prescriptions.
Fox insists on being addressed as ‘Doctor’, despite having no doctorate or current employment as a medic *.
To put that in perspective, imagine your gardener demanding to be addressed as ‘Officer’, because she worked for the Police twenty years ago.
Unsurprisingly Fox’s ego is one of the few wholly one-man-made structures visible from space. The utter, utter prick.
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Filed under International News, News, USA
Or even from the tower of my stately home
Jacob Rees-Mogg remains hopeful that the UK Brexit sky-diving team will secure a no-parachute outcome. “What this country needs is to thud into the ground at 122mph. Like a sack of stone-ground organic flour dropped from the loft of a nicely restored, timber-framed, 17th Century Tithe Barn.” said Rees-Mogg.
“Or to use another analogy, say a 61 year-old woman wrapped in a duvet, accidentally falling from the roof of a five storey, Old Westminster mansion, recently bought by a man who definitely doesn’t want Continue reading
“The NHS is safe in my, oops …”
Local NHS staff have joyfully welcomed the prospect of another reorganisation.
“Fantastic news!” cried Harold GP Dr Clive Evans, who had been toying with the idea of taking early retirement. “But you can forget about that now. I can’t wait to get stuck into lots of new forms and protocols. Oh, oh, oh … and briefing seminars, where you pretend to be your favourite animal. My Salamander from the Lansley reforms is still talked of at Dunstable Continue reading
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