Tag Archives: crash

by | November 13, 2015 · 10:00 am

Hamilton blames crash on road cars ‘being so much faster than F1’

Insurance assessors were quickly on the scene to add storage charges.

Insurance assessors were quickly on the scene to add storage charges.

Lewis Hamilton has collided with a parked car in a conventional saloon, after being caught out by its ‘breath taking’ speed.

“Obviously, my company car is a hybrid, and if I go too fast I might run out of fuel or my tyres could go pop”, claimed Hamilton.

“So when I got behind the wheel of a normal vehicle, I think I got a bit giddy.”

Hamilton had been trying to keep a Mercedes behind him at the time of the crash, but was held up by a parked car travelling at roughly the same speed as a McLaren.
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by | March 6, 2015 · 2:45 pm

Fernando Alonso’s beard woke up from accident “thinking it was 1975”

Alonso's beard woke up decades in the past

Alonso’s beard woke up decades in the past

Following his high speed accident in Barcelona last week, stylists have revealed Fernando Alonso’s beard woke up thinking it was 1975.

A proud wearer of facial fluff, Alonso went into turn 3 at the Circuit De Barcelona-Catalunya with a bit of morning stubble, but after colliding with a wall his beard came out having seemingly forgotten the past 40 years and slipped into a 70’s style.
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by | July 7, 2014 · 7:00 am

Cyclist arrested after dramatic high-speed chase

cyclesting

Reckless maniac didn’t even have a bell.

PC Anita Flegg has been hailed a hero in Harold today following the dramatic arrest of a crazy cyclist who could have caused mayhem on the roads around Harold.

The speeding cyclist was spotted by eagle-eyed PC Flegg during a routine check of local cycle paths.

“He was travelling at an astonishing speed along the main road,” said PC Flegg, “and drinking from a bottle which he threw at me as he passed.”
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by | June 19, 2014 · 11:00 am

Tesco in-store speed bumps will tackle ‘mobility scooter menace’

scooters

Cake and biscuits can also be used to slow scooters down.

Tesco has announced a range of mobility scooter calming measures, including speed bumps placed at regular intervals in the aisles.

Analysts have linked Tesco’s fall in profits with last year’s purchase of a Sunset Freedom Anklebain by Harold pensioner Doris Kettle. Draped in rain gear and cackling manically as she careers around the store while high on Sanatogen, some shoppers are so desperate they’re even taking their chances in Lidl.

Store manager Paul Watts hopes to restore some civility to his store, and the speed bumps are just one part of a strategy to get Doris to ‘Slow the Hell Down’.
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by | June 13, 2014 · 11:00 am

Lotus vows to complete Le Mans 24 hour race in under 8 minutes

lotusfire

A test driver relaxes after a job well done.

Car manufacturer Lotus has pledged to return to Le Mans next year, and shatter the 24 hour barrier.

Using a combination of high octane fuel, boozed-up drivers and second-hand remoulds, chief engineer Bertrand Collins is confident of finishing the event almost before it starts.

“Lotus has a proud history of owners attempting to drive all the way to Le Mans, only to break down in huge numbers right across France”, said Collins.

“So they’re there in spirit, or perhaps in a hired Renault Twingo. That’s the sort of determination and blind optimism we’re hoping to tap into.”
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by | March 17, 2014 · 2:37 pm

Safety experts warn: ‘never re-use a helicopter’

helicopter1

‘Like hand grenades, helicopters should only be used once’.

Aviation safety experts have warned passengers and pilots alike of the dangers of using a helicopter more than once.

But Nicola Bentley of the ‘Land Once’ campaign insisted that choppers are perfectly safe, as long as they’re destroyed immediately after their maiden flight.

“Given their enormous expense and technical complexity, some  people might be tempted to get back in a used helicopter and make a return journey”, explained Bentley. “But our advice is ‘don’t’. Helicopters are a lot like matches, condoms or carrier bags in that respect: only a moron would attempt to re-use them.”

Bentley is calling for clearer labeling on helicopters, as well as the removal of temptations such as fuel filler flaps. “Don’t get back in it, for God’s sake don’t refuel it, and don’t ever attempt to switch the big fan back on”, warned Bentley.
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by | December 8, 2013 · 9:08 pm

Derek Acorah crash ‘blamed on spirits’

acorahnsx

Psychic is now considering an Acorah NSX.

Self-confessed TV psychic Derek Acorah has been charged with careless driving and failing to provide a breath specimen, after crashing half a mile from Harold’s popular Squirrel Lickers Arms.

Acorah was arrested at the scene by PC Anita Flegg who had followed the celebrity after he left the Squirrel Lickers’ monthly Frog Sandwich & Pernod Absinthe night.

According to an onlooker at the scene, Acorah asked Flegg if they’d met previously, before announcing ‘I’m getting something… it’s the driver of a Ford Ka… He says ‘iiiit waaas aaaaalll myyy faaaault, you caaaan let Mister Acorah goooo’. “Then the bloke from the ambulance announced that he wasn’t dead, just concussed”, explained Acorah. “There’s always one in the audience who plays up.”
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by | October 7, 2013 · 7:00 am

Korean Grand Prix: “Good in parts”

wheel bomb

Some pit crews are reluctant to handle latest tyres

F1’s Bernie Ecclestone sounded cautiously optimistic after introducing a ‘random explosives’ feature at the Korean GP.

“Unfortunately, by mistake, the BBC had showed a short extract of MOTO GP on their F1 preview show. It was on for less than one complete lap but by then it was too late and our core audience had already seen more action than they expect in a whole season of F1.

The sponsors were naturally a little concerned and so, as an emergency ‘fix’, we agreed to deploy a number of small, secret incendiary devices on various cars to spice things up. All things considered it went quite well and we’ll definitely do it again.”

Nico Rosberg was the first ‘hit’ when his front wing disappeared in a spectacular shower of sparks. Sergio Perez then had a rather spectacular exploding tyre which, as an unexpected bonus damaged several other cars. This was closely followed by a fire in the mechanical gubbins of Mark Webber’s Red Bull.
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