Caucus?
Despite intensive coverage of the Iowa caucus it’s been revealed that most people this side of the Atlantic couldn’t give a rat’s arse about the result and fully ninety per cent think a caucus is some sort of animal.
“Caucus? Bloody hell, be careful,” local farmer Phil Evans said to us. “They can break a man’s arm you know.” Continue reading
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Blimey, the White Witch has let herself go
Millions of viewers have been enchanted by the BBC’s latest costume drama spectacular this time based on a book most people have read and not one they’re pretending to have as is the case with War and Peace.
The sumptuous adaptation of C.S Lewis’ classic tale tells the story of a small boy called Sir John Chilcot who wanders into a strange land held in the grip of winter by a powerful and deluded ruler who wouldn’t know the truth if it sat on their face and wiggled. Continue reading
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Balls to The Exorcist this is real horror
Thirty-two years since they were told to leave the BBC Micro and get back to studying their Kathy & Mark books former pupils of Harold’s St Mary’s Primary School are suing it for not letting them complete the educational game Granny’s Garden.
“The damage has been huge,” said Rebecca Shaw, now aged 38. “We got as far as the dragons and having to work out which one to befriend and then Miss said we had to stop. Which dragon would’ve been our friend? The not knowing has ruined my life.” Continue reading
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Without Friends Reunited where on the web will we go to pretend to be happy? What alternative could there possibly be?
Pioneering social network Friends Reunited has closed after being deserted by millions of users who migrated to Facebook for all their creating an online persona that is a tissue of lies plus kitten videos and Minions memes needs.
Those few remaining souls addicted to Friends Reunited’s particular blend of anxiety and schadenfreude are being advised not to despair but instead sign up for Friends Reunited Reunited. A new site is dedicated to the old one’s glory days of recklessly throwing away your marriage for the chance to at long last play nug-a-nug with your fifth form crush. Continue reading
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The Grim Reaper has announced that his project for 2016 is to put together a truly remarkable band in the afterlife.
“I took Lemmy and then thought, hang on, this could be the start of something big so I carried on,” the anthropomorphic personification told us. “After Lemmy for bass I went huge for the front man and got Bowie and now there’s also Dale Griffin on drums and Glenn Frey on lead guitar.”
“A band this awesome needs a hugely charismatic person to introduce them and no one fits the bill like Alan Rickman.” Continue reading
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If it all kicks off he’s got lots of friends who look like this
Dead-eyed Blue Meanie in a human being costume, George Osborne, has spoken of his indifference to the approaching financial apocalypse.
“Don’t really give one to be honest,” he said. “Maybe it should all go boom and slip into invigorating chaos. For one thing all that foraging and fighting would solve the obesity crisis. When I’m ordered to go out and meet the public I often think that what would benefit almost all of them the most is a good dose of Hunger Games.” Continue reading
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The horror
Local parents have solved the problem of excessive screen time turning their children into drooling homunculi who don’t know what trees are by putting pictures of them kissing on the home screens of all their children’s gadgets.
“Nothing repulses kids faster than the idea of Mum and Dad, or Mum and Mum, or Dad and Dad, or Mum and Just Call Him Uncle For Now And We’ll See How Things Go getting amorous,” Harold parent Ceaserina Okereke told us. “Mine took one look and ran out of the room. Which is good because kids don’t get much exercise these days. Now instead of watching crap on YouTube they want to play board games and read books.” Continue reading
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Dry January: it never stops feeling like this
As the newly sober enter the fifth day of Dry January many have spoken of their horror at discovering that the world is at best like a long day trip to a pathetic waxworks where every single model has the face of the ex you most regret.
“I tried relaxing after work,” villager Jane Hough told us. “And ended up watching an entire episode of the One Show without the fluffy mind-shield that is a nice glass of red. For the first time I really listened to Alex Jones and Matt Baker and now I feel so dreadfully hollow.” Continue reading
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Fooling no one
Besieged gyms are calling for the government to increase funding to protect them from time wasters who will only darken their doors once.
While technically this solitary effort does meet a lazy person’s goal of exercising more by temporarily raising their activity levels above that of a cushion, gyms are flooded to dangerous levels by their misplaced enthusiasm and over-elaborate gym kit that still has the labels on it ‘just in case’. Continue reading
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He’s staring at the sky to summon more rain. And Cthulhu.
As the north continues to be battered by floods the Guardian newspaper has decided to blame the whole thing on Jeremy Corbyn.
“Ever since he became leader our stance has very much been when the news is nasty or scaremy, don’t think, just blame Jeremy,” Guardian editor Katharine Viner told us. “And the floods are a perfect excuse to carry on.” Continue reading
At last a Dickens character we recognise. Good old Inspector Javert
BBC One has blown the nation’s minds with Dickensian, a lavish 20-part drama that’s more confusing than a riddle wrapped in the Enigma code inside a clue from 3-2-1.
“I thought it would be a fun story featuring the most famous Dickens characters,” said viewer Ange Harris. “But it’s unfathomable. Who are the Barbarys, what’s a Captain Hawdon, and am I allowed to laugh at the name Fanny Biggetywitch?” Continue reading
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Ho, ho, ho? No, no. no
Christmas looks set to come but not at all to the United States this year as Father Christmas’ visa has been sensationally revoked and missile batteries in Alaska placed on Reindeer In The Sky Alert: Level One.
A spokesperson for the US Department of Homeland Security said that in these tense times their reaction was perfectly justified. “What we’ve got here is a foreign man with a big beard travelling with a huge sack full of who knows what. If that ain’t a threat to the US then we don’t know what is.” Continue reading
Respect your Prime Minister: don’t even think it.
Tory MPs working on their end of year constituency newsletter have been warned by Number 10 that any mention of pigs will result in their resignation. A leaked document from the Cabinet Office states “…our party and the Prime Minister have made headlines for many good reasons such as [fill in later] and [well, I don’t know, has anyone checked Wikipedia?] so there’s no need to mention anything outside of this. Especially outside in the farmyard.” Continue reading
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It’s everywhere but not here. Enjoy.
And who gives a rat’s arse whether the Force is with you or not? Continue reading
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He’ll also be taking his protein pills and putting his helmet on
The first Britain in space since Margaret Thatcher was thing, Tim Peake, will be blasted from the Baikonur Cosmodrome tomorrow on a mission to ensure that some corner of a low Earth orbit field is forever a little bit bobbins.
“As the only Brit up there it will be my responsibility to fly the flag,” he said. “A crap plastic flag I’ll shove in my colleagues’ faces during Euro 2016 until England fail to make it out of the group stage and then I’ll just drop it somewhere because what’s more British than mindless littering?” Continue reading
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The Gidders who stole Christmas
George Osborne has today announced severe cuts to the twelve days of Christmas saying that the nation can no longer afford them and that in any case he and his chums are keeping the best ones for themselves.
“Let’s be realistic about this,” he said. “There is no place in today’s economy for shirkers who go about dancing and putting various types of bird in the post. There is really only one acceptable day for the masses as maids who milk are working hard and contributing to the nation’s coffers. I will also allow professional pipers to pipe and drummers to drum as long as they declare in full any income derived from these activities and aren’t part of some pathetically wet set-up that relies on an Arts Council grant.” Continue reading
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The Left united will never be defeated! Oops
There were celebrations all over Westminster last night as the Labour Party launched another splinter group to demonstrate their cohesiveness.
Open Labour joins Momentum, Labour First, The Labour That Melts in Your Mouth and Not in Your Hand, and The People’s Front of Judea amongst many other groups each espousing the ‘correct’ way to be left of the government. Continue reading
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At fifty, every man has the face he deserves
Calls are growing today for the multi-millionaire demagogue Iain Duncan Smith to be banned from the UK following his widely condemned policies calling for a halt on all poor and/or disabled people enjoying any quality of life. So far 100,000 have signed the petition asking that IDS be banned under the ‘unacceptable behaviour’ criteria. Continue reading
“The US election? It’s just hair and circuses.”
David Cameron has spoken of his delight at Donald Trump doing for religious tolerance what he himself allegedly did to that pig, and making everyone forget how awful his own government is.
“It’s brilliant,” Cameron enthused. “All the UK press is concerned with is what someone who might one day be President of another country is saying and tweeting while me and my chums get busy having a lovely bombing and further undermining the NHS. There are no eyes on our ball. I am reminded of the famous saying ‘If Iain Duncan Smith declares war on the disabled and no one is watching, does he make a sound?'” Continue reading
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